Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

Last night my husband and I were talking about the housing market and the banks. He was sharing with me how he heard this one woman was saying she tried to be proactive and before her financial situation occurred, she contacted her mortgage lender.

Lender’s response: They did nothing.

Why did they do nothing? Because her mortgage was current and on time.

Result: Financial situation occurred and she got behind four to six months I believe.

Her Next Move: Contact the Lender

Result: Did not help her out because she did not meet that criteria.

My husband was disgusted. I told him there are people out there in her same position. They have taken steps to be proactive and the mortgage lender has shunned them because their situation did not meet the criteria for help. Was not drastic enough because their payment history was exemplary. Then when they got behind a little and asked for help – met with a closed door.

I’ve heard similar stories from people personally that this happened to. What this says is that you have to CREATE your own BAILOUT. When it was announced that we were in a recession, the economy had already been in a recession. Once it was “VERBALIZED” then it was like a domino effect.

I feel comfortable in saying that everyone who is having financial issues and not able to pay their mortgage now, did not spend recklessly, take elaborate trips and etc. More than likely what happened is they were coasting along, paying their bills just fine and then all of sudden the word “RECESSION” was verbalized and work started drying up (if they worked for someone else), orders became less and less (if they owned their own business). Now they were in the position of having to decide pay this or pay that which they had not been in before.

First step in creating your own bailout: Re-evaluate all of your household obligations and be honest with yourself. What do you NEED? Are there subscriptions that you have that you do not benefit from?

You are the one that has take action for your benefit. Take action today.

This movie deals with romance and shopping, not so much romance from the outset. As a young girl, she thought shop windows saw a perfect world of dreamy thing. Grown up girls getting whatever they wanted and equated them to fairies and princesses that did not need money. They had magic cards. Once she is a young adult on her own, she shops her way through life. Loses job. Finds job giving money advice in a magazine. Love interest on job.

Money Implications: I knew this would be a fun one for me to asses because of the title and my not being a shopper.

First: Her mindset from her youth was as a shopper. This carried over into when she became an adult.

Money Tip: If you are a shopper, you are shopper. You can learn to shop within balance.

Second: This character had an excuse for everything she bought.

Money Tip: Stop shopping on impulse. You should not have to make an excuse for the things you purchase. That already says you know you should not have purchased it.

Third: This character stated she heard the mannequin calling out to her.

Money Tip: If you are walking in the stores and you hear the voices saying, come and buy me. You can respond mentally and say it is not the appropriate time. I am not giving in and walk away. Leave without giving in. It may be a challenge at first but you can overcome impulse shopping and overspending.

Overall Lesson: This movie clearly shows how your upbringing and exposure does affect your choices when you become a young adult and as an adult.

Recommendation: Do not hide it from your spouse that you are a shopper. It will eventually come out if you try to keep it a secret and it might come out to your disadvantage.

If you have not seen this movie or know someone that it would make a great gift for, purchase your copy now:

I must share when I went to see this movie, I hadn’t been to the movies in a very long time. Busy mom of twins and so I was treating myself that day with “Mommy” time. For at least ten minutes, I was in there by myself. I can’t say I was necessarily surprised.

I don’t want to give too much away in case you have not seen the movie but from a money and marriage aspect – wow, I have much to share. Briefly – Boy meets girl, they become high school sweethearts. Boy and girl get married. His dreams of being a pro athelete are shattered by injury. Woman gets a corporate job — makes lots of money. Holds it over man’s head.

First – I did not enjoy how she continued to demean him. Understand this the Power of Speech is crucial in a relationship. Instead of building up their relationship, she continued to tear it down, including when it came to his JOB.

Money Tip for Wives: Do not talk down to your mate about his business or his job. This affects you as well. Sounding unappreciative of what he does and continuing to bring this before him will eventually get old and they could go to someone else that would appreciate what they are doing.

Second –  When the husband had to take over the finances, it was very clear he was not aware of what the bills were. All we see are bills on the table and a look on his face in unbelief. You did not see bill collectors calling at all hours and him trying to figure out how to pay the bills.

Money Tip: Regardless of who manages the money in the household, both husband and wife need to know what is happening with the household personal finances. Share with them what bills have to be paid on the first of the month, what has to be paid midmonth – to who, how much and how it is paid — whether check or automatic deductions from certain accounts. Let them know what is paid quarterly, annually and monthly.

Third –  Remember when you came into your marriage, both of you had dreams. Do not sacrifice one person’s dream for the other. In this movie that did happen because the wife felt because she brought the money, that her dreams were more important which made him feel inadequate.

Money Tip: Agree to go for both husband and wife’s dreams which can only enhance your marriage relationship even more. Help each other achieve those goals because in the end there will be a part of it that deals with finances. Imagine if the husband and wife both achieved those career goals and all the bills were paid off and you could take vacations every other month or donate to causes important to both of you or buy that dream house or start that family. There are a myriad of things husbands and wives can do together successfully when they are on the “same page”.

Fourth: When they were at the restaurant and she wanted to pay the bill, he knew they did not have the money but she insisted on paying the bill. Then one of her clients, ended up having to pay the bill.

Money Tip: Talking about Money is very important. It is a conversation that is more than a one time conversation. Talk about money throughout the week so everyone is clear on what is happening with money in the house. No husband or wife is a mind reader, especially when it comes to finances. It does not matter how long you have been married, Money Talk Matters. Talk about it, talk about it and gain insight and understanding.

Brief Aside: If you talk negative about your spouse to your family, that is how they will see that mate. It is hard to undo negative speech about someone you love. Choose your words carefully.

If you have not seen this movie, purchase below:

The first movie that I want to talk about is Fireproof. Understand this is my opinion as a money and marriage advocate and personal finances educator. Fireproof was a good movie overall. From the money and marriage aspect – clearly they were not on the same page regarding finances in the marriage. He had “his money” and she had “her money”. The husband had drawn those lines in the very beginning of the movie. I would’ve like them to show more detail on why he had drawn those lines. Reason: there are couples that deal with that and don’t understand because they are driven by their emotion.

When you have His Money and Her Money in a marriage, those lines are not drawn without reason. This could help couples understand each other’s motivation for some of the choices that they make.

There came a point in the movie where he did use “His Money” for a need that was important to her. Although she thought someone else did it until she did some background checking. Then she was convicted herself about her own thoughts.

Overall: It is a good movie. That was my take on the money and marriage side.

Recommendation: When you have His Money and Her Money, establish clear reasons upfront the reason it needs to be this way. Otherwise the separation of money can lead to separation in other areas of marriage and open the door for lack of trust in many areas. Know why you are choosing separate funds. All choices have consequences good, bad or indifferent. Do not make any decision lightly.

This morning has led to many posts regarding personal finances. I was on the phone contacting one of my vendors. They were asking me about Money Talk Matters and what I do. I shared with them that I teach couples how to communicate about money throughout the lifetime of the marriage. The customer service rep on the other end said I wish you had talked to my daughter.

I asked her how long the daughter had been married. She said eleven years and is going through a divorce. Nasty divorce. She stated that her daughter would not listen to her. Clearly this lady and I were on the phone for some time. She went on to share that this daughter was a shopper. From her saying that, I ascertained that it was partially a factor in this divorce. I shared with her even through divorce, her daughter could still contact me if she wanted to discuss finances.

There are times when our adult children (no matter how old they get) will have to get the message from someone else. If your son or daughter is preparing to walk down the aisle and you are not able to share the message about money and its importance in marriage you can have some options:

1) Send them to this blog and let them read this particular post
2) Give them the web address www.DebtAtTheAltar.com
3) Remind them of all the stories in the news about couples that would be divorcing but cannot because of financial issues
4) Give them the gift of financial education by giving Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar financial education program

Once you have decided what you are willing to do, you can be assured that you did broach the subject of finances in a manner that was not threatening but out of concern. Hopefully, your son or daughter will appreciate what you are doing.

I prefer that you not be like this mother, sighing because the daughter is going to have a rough time even in divorce. Talk about finances before and during marriage can help prevent financial stress. Take the time to equip your loved ones with premarital financial answers.

Earlier this morning when I was doing some research, I read a story stating that CBS News did a poll recently. One of the items that stayed with me is that parents have had to tell their children they could not afford something. This might have been the first time they have had to say this. The story shared that some kids were upset.

The economy is having an affect I am sure that many did not expect. I like to see it as an opportunity to get financial houses in order. Take this time to reevaluate spending patterns and see where an adjustment can be made. That does not necessarily mean you cannot splurge. What it means is take your time and pick and choose how you are going to splurge.

One thing I do like about this is that parents are discussing money with their children, not necessarily by their choice; however they are including them. Whereas if this were not happening right now, they probably still would not have been included. I encourage you if you are reading this to talk with your children today about money. Talk with them on a level that they can understand. You can never start to early.

Think of all the advantages of teaching children now about money. It can prevent financial mistakes and teach them how to make their own decisions, not give into peer pressure. Let’s be honest, sometimes that happens when it shouldn’t.

Our twins are very conscientious about spending and saving their allowance. It makes us happy that they are taking into account the consequences of spending and saving. They are seven years old. Money talk matters regardless of age and can impact households in a positive way.

I wonder what would happen if for six months – families decided to take on this motto: Do not SPEND what you do not HAVE! Would that in itself create a bailout for some or not.

Day in and day out life happens. We talk about things on the news, friends and relatives. We talk about our children, neighbors and even our jobs. Yet, when we talk about money it might not necessarily pertain to our situation. We talk about we need to buy this or that and usually that is the extent of the conversation.

With the economy being as it is, couples and individuals are being forced to communicate about money. What is interesting is some do not even know where to start or how to have the “Money Talk”. There are couples that have been married for years and have paid the bills, bought houses, cars, etc yet the “Money Talk” has not been what it should be.

Now is a prime opportunity to begin a new foundation and establish the “Money Talk” for your relationship. Regardless of the economy, Money Talk Matters for one simple fact if nothing else, that is money has many roles in our lives. It is not something to be taken lightly but necessary in every day life.

Begin the “Money Talk” today and recognize that it is not a one time conversation. It is an ongoing conversation. Take the first step and start today. You are welcome to post your comments.

I felt this needed to be shared here.

Congratulations you are with the one you love. It is safe to say you have spent a lot of time together getting to know each other. You are engaged and planning the wedding of a life time. I remember exhibiting at bridal shows and all the brides going from booth to booth with family members and friends discussing specific items. It warmed my heart as I thought about these couples preparing to open a new chapter in their life.

As you are beginning this new chapter, I would prefer that you walk down that aisle with insight versus being in the dark. Before I continue, there are some of you that might believe you are prepared and could say “I Do” right now. We are about to find out. Understand this part will be fun but there is a serious side to it. Do not discount what you write. I ask that you be honest as you answer the question.

The purpose of this exercise is to open your eyes in an area that is one of the leading causes of divorce. It is to make you truthfully look at yourself and recognize where you could need some help and be more forthcoming about your financial picture.

If you have 5 or more yes answers then you are an Asset to yourself, will be the same in your marriage and will more than likely not keep financial secrets.

If you have 5 or more no answers then you are a Liability to yourself and will be the same in your marriage if you do not take steps to become a better financially oriented person.

If you have an equal number of yes and no answers, then you are in the middle of the road. You probably would benefit from some additional unbiased guidance to ensure you enter into your marriage with a goal of financial success and not failure.

Take out a sheet of paper and number from 1 to 10. Then write Y or N beside it after you read the question.

Are You An Asset or Liability?

(1) You have talked with your fiancé about your debt? Yes or No

(2) You have always paid your bills on time? Yes or No

(3) You believe that you and your fiancé should have separate accounts once married? Yes or No

(4) You know how to talk about money during engagement? Yes or No

(5) You have managed money well as a young adult? Yes or No

(6) You are a shopper and your fiancé has no idea? Yes or No

(7) If your fiancé lost his job once married, you would stay the course? Yes or No

(8) Would you be willing to share with your fiancé what you are being paid? Yes or No

(9) You would admit to your fiancé if you had a previous bankruptcy? Yes or No

(10) If your fiancé is bringing debt to the marriage, will you still marry him? Yes or No

(11) Do you believe that financial mistakes can be forgiven? Yes or No

(12) Would you keep financial secrets from your fiancé? Yes or No

Did you wind up being an Asset or a Liability? An asset means useful or desirable thing.
When you enter into your marital relationship even in the beginning you should be an asset bringing value. Or did you wind up being a liability which means debt owed. If you are a liability, you can take positive steps to change that for yourself and your relationship.

The above questions are to help you focus on a very important part of marriage. This was an eye opener and know that The Debt CAN Stop At The Altar. This tool can help you even face the reality that you need to begin talking with your fiancé about money even if you find it painful.

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

For the Parent: Without talking about money to your children the following could happen:
1) Applying for numerous credit cards and overcharging
2) Writing checks and not knowing how to balance the checkbook
3) Getting loan after loan from a bank and getting co-signers
4) They repeat what they saw you do

For the Student: I am going to say high school to college age:
1) Peer pressure when out with friends which can lead to overspending
2) Mismanaging money from student loans and applying for every credit card offer on campus
3) During break getting a job but spending the money instead of planning ahead
4) Not being able to return to school because its not affordable

For the Engaged Couple:
1) Walking down the aisle and preparing to say “I Do” then finding out spouse is in debt – Creates a major problem
2) Knowing that you are a shopper and praying your fiance does not find out
3) Learning your future spouse has $20,000 in debt and not knowing how to handle it
4) Not compromising on wedding expenditures – could set the stage for marriage

For the Married Couple:
1) Been married for years and one person managed the money, now faced with consequences that are forcing conversation
2) Blaming the other person for spending in a time when you needed to be “frugal”
3) Silence being a part of the marriage because of financial tension
4) One person feeling as if they shoulder all the financial burden

Whether you are married, engaged, a student, parent or single – you decide. Based on what you read above, should money be a taboo subject? Share your comments.

Welcome to Money Talk Matters. I invite you to take a look throughout this site. You will find information, resources, interviews and answers to every day personal finance questions. 

You will learn about the different roles of money in your life, guidance for individuals, engaged couples, married couples and even military servicemembers, their spouses and families.

Whether you are re-evaluating your finances, cleaning up old debt, preparing to walk down the aisle or even searching for answers in a time when the economy appears to be grim, MONEY TALK MATTERS.

You are invited to send in a question that you would like to have answered. Know that you will be given recommendations on personal finance issues and at the end of the day, the responsibility is yours to choose what you will or will not do.