Money Talk Matters

Archive for August, 2009

My readers know that I am a researcher which is such a love of mine. A couple of days ago, I wrote a post about Professional Athletes and Marital Issues and last night when I was doing some research, this article came to my attention entitled Bankruptcy filings may hit 1.4 million.  That in itself I cannot say if that surprised me because several years ago when I was a professional writer for a blogging site and I primarily wrote on mortgages and homeownership, there were sooooo many stories about the bankruptcies being filed at that time that courthouses could not even keep up.

I digress, I continued to read because this is what caught my attention: ”

Debt problems don’t stop with subprime borrowers. Celebrities who filed for bankruptcy in July included movie actor Stephen Baldwin, who sought protection from creditors after lenders began foreclosure procedures against his home. Lenny Dykstra filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in a petition that says the former Major League Baseball All-Star owes between $10 million and $50 million”.

Mismanagement of money runs the gamut and believe me debt is equal opportunity celebrity or not, professional athlete or not.  Sure, I know many of you are thinking celebrities, professional athletes should have someone managing their money – and they probably do but for some obviously it is not working.

If you have not started, begin getting your finances in order today.

Money and marriage are near and dear to my heart because this is what I live.  I am the person that came to their marriage with financial baggage and maybe different than you I did put it on the table. As a matter of fact, so did my husband. We both came to our marriage with financial baggage and we are both Christians. My husband and I are a happily married couple of 13 years that know from our own experience how to be successful at money and marriage.

When it comes to dealing with financial baggage which can be anything from  - slow pays, homelessness, debt, bankruptcy, cleaning up credit, family and money, becoming parents, job loss, spending, student loans, bad credit, business decisions affecting finances and relationships – we have experienced it.

When I say this morning, Money and Marriage is My Ministry,  it is a ministry for me that I do not take lightly. I thought back to when I was interviewed by US News and World Reports - a question she asked was does faith impact money? I had soooo much fun answering that question because it does when you are a Christian, believer.  I am here to listen, then encourage and provide solutions that work to:

• Couples that are in church whose finances are funny and they do not understand but do not think they can reach out to anyone for help because they believe they will be judged or their situation will become church staff gossip

• Couples who are embarrassed to even say we have made wrong decisions and want to get our money and marriage right. We don’t want money being a reason we get divorced.

• Individuals who are tired of making wrong financial decisions but need help in cleaning it up.  

• Anyone that want help in the area of money and marriage without judgment and condemnation. 

• The person that has fear when it comes to money.

Regardless of what you think, you can come out of financial frustration today. As far as I am concerned, Christian Marriages should be setting the example for those not of faith and encourage them to want to be a Christian. But I know that is not what has happened.   

It is time to equip Christian marriages with life skills to sustain marriages and not let them be a divorce statistic.  Let me address this – do you have to be a Christian to contact me? No, you do not and I will continue to provide you with solutions based on what I know works. 

Christian or not, when you are given solutions it will be your choice whether or not you utilize the information and move beyond financial frustation and begin the path of financial independence.

I saw an article in the Wall Street Journal that talked about What Layoffs Do to a Marriage and I had to share about it. See, I have experienced this in my own marriage.

This article talks about how when someone is laid off, they do things around the house, job hunt and try to keep themself busy. Then when the spouse comes home, they are desperate for attention.  A layoff impacts the relationship on so many levels.

I want to share what happened with us, it was well after we had been married four years and hubby was laid off. I saw how hard he worked for someone else and asked him what did he want to do.  One of the differences with us is that our household budget was based on one income in case of something  just like that. So he did not have to go back to work for someone else. I told him to do what he wanted. He decided that he wanted to start a small printing business that we could run out of our home.

We had sooo much fun doing this because we literally turned our dining room into the printing shop in our first home. Another great thing is that my business that I had on the side, funded his business. Love it because there was no credit cards used. The one thing we did for the biggest piece of equipment we needed we had gotten an equipment lease through American Express at that time. Otherwise everything we purchased.

That article talks about how most plan their lives around two incomes and we didn’t so we had the luxury of starting another business while I worked at a law firm. My income at the firm was the same as his prior to the layoff - so we did not miss a beat.

Our goal was to make sure that at the end of the day we are happy. Depression was not an option. Working for someone else does not define who you are, sure it can use your skills but many people would do something else if they had the money.  There does come a time when what makes you  happy outweighs what you make working for someone else.

If you are dealing with a money and marriage issue resulting from a layoff, send me your question.

This movie has several of my favorites again Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan and Terrance Howard. It is always my goal not to spoil it for you if you have not seen the movie, so here is my brief recap.

Harper Stewart (Taye Diggs), who is a writer and The Best Man at the wedding of Lance (Morris Chestnut) and Mia (Monica Calhoun). The three of them went to college together. Lance was a football player and becomes  a pro player. Needless to say he lived up to the reputation of a football player being physically intimate with all the girls. Then he meets Mia and decides he needs to be with her. Harper tends to dissuade him saying she is a “good, Church going girl”. Eventually Lance and Mia do hook up and he plans on marrying her. The weekend prior to The Wedding, all of their old college friends get together in celebration of this upcoming union. Harper’s book comes out and they discover he has captured their lives in print but changed their names. He tries to say that it is fiction. Lance believes he is the only person Mia has ever slept with but according to Harper’s book secrets begin to come out… You will have to see the movie to get all the juicy details. It is a GREAT movie.

Money implications:

Once secrets are revealed, it can alter the course of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether they are salvageable or not depends on the people in the relationship. These young people set out to accomplish different professions and they did it. It did not change them and they were genuinely happy for each other.

The character Terrance Howard played tried several different things and was talented. The bottom line is he did not stop at one thing  – he kept on going. The bride-to-be was comfortable in who she was and so was the groom regardless of what anyone thought.

Nia Long’s character, Jordan was an independent business woman that had everything going on. Yet she was not in a relationship. Although while they were in college, something almost happened between her and Harper. She is very career focused which happens with many women. Once their career is at a certain point, then they think about dating and/or marriage.

Julian was a teacher and content doing that job, yet his girlfriend Shelby all the college friends did not like. Shelby was a woman that was into shopping and prestige. She wanted Julian to return to become a lawyer and he is not interested. She also was big on pouting if she did not get her way. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Observation:

One of the main secrets revealed almost caused this wedding not to happen after a lot of money had been spent. It does not matter if you are on the bride’s side or the groom’s side, if a wedding is called off after the money has been spent and you cannot get deposits back it can upset everyone. Granted if you found out something the night before that you just could not live with, then those expenses would not amount to what it could costs you later. Be true to yourself and decide what you need to do. Think about the big picture not just the short-term. CAUTION: Too many people rush into a wedding trying to save face. They are more concerned with what people are going to think about them instead of their true feelings about getting married and the person they are marrying. Do not get into the habit of trying to please people.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) Financial secrets can tear down trust in a relationship and marriage. Share your financial background upfront and if the fiance’ cannot handle it then you are better off.

2) Be comfortable in who you are. That means if you are comfortable being the homemaker then be the homemaker. If you are employed outside the home, then you are employed outside the home. Have the discussion about what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is according to how each of you see it -  not what your parents think. Talk about the respective roles and agree. If you choose not to talk about it, it can be costly in the long term.

3) Husbands and wives have to believe in each other and support them in their individual dreams as well.  At the end of the day, it does affect the household bottom line. Do not be so short-sighted that you think it is only about you. Once you said “I Do” it is no longer “ALL ABOUT YOU”.

Definitely one for the library:

I did not know about this movie until I was doing some research and very glad that I found out about this movie. Favorite actors and actresses Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson, Owen Wilson and Michael Douglas are the main characters for this movie. I will be brief in my summary.

Kate Hudson whose character is Molly prepares to marry Carl who is played by Matt Dillon. Carl works for Molly’s father, Bob who is Michael Douglas. Carl’s best friends Neil and Dupree, played by Owen Wilson have been with him through everything in his life. Of course they are in his wedding and Dupree is his Best Man. Upon returning from the honeymoon, newlywed life begins with some interesting issues that can impact a marriage such as the place of friendship, parenting, money and employment. This is a must see movie for engaged couples and newlyweds.

Money Implications:

1) Accept yourself for who you are and do not let the parents of the spouse make you feel inferior. Those feelings affect your job, relationships and your marriage.

2) Maintain your friendships within your marriage but not at the expense of your marriage. There is no rule that says once you are married you have to get rid of your friends. CAUTION:  Be careful if you are a husband and has a single female friend or vice versa if you are the wife and have a single male friend. Do not open that can of worms.

3) Know what your household income is and work your mutual financial plan. Establish mutual financial goals even while planning your wedding. Anyone outside of your household (this includes parents, grandparents) does not need to know what your income and expenses are unless you are seeking to establish a financial plan utilizing a financial advisor or planner.

4) Have candid talks with your soon to be spouse regarding finances, especially if they grew up in an affluent environment. The true financial picture of your marriage should be discussed before you walk down the aisle so they do not come into the marriage with unrealistic expectations based on their upbringing.

Observations:

Newlyweds must be comfortable in their marriage and relationship because when other factors present such as relationships with parents and best friends arise that may cause conflict, the newlyweds must stick together despite what parents and best friends think. Even though best friends have generally been around longer than the spouse, the spouse comes first. A true best friend will not place you in the position of choosing between them and your spouse.

WORD OF CAUTION: If one friend is saying this is not the person to marry, consider the source. BUT if EVERYONE is saying you should not marry this person, then you need to WAKE UP and be truthful. Do not marry a person that is not good for you just to get out of a) your parents’ home;  b) because you want to be married and do not truly love this person or c) for the money.

Recommendations:

1) Pay attention to how the bride is handling money while you are engaged and planning for the wedding. Listen to what they are saying and whether or not they are willing to compromise on wedding purchases and reduce costs. For example, if the bride comes from an affluent family and knows that her parents are paying for everything and is not willing to compromise based on the groom wanting to reduce or alleviate something, this could be a glimpse into what they will do once you are married.

2) Money cannot buy you love. Do not let your parents money and their thoughts about money and a mate dictate who you should marry.

3) Be true to yourself about who you really are and who you love. Do not get into the habit of pleasing people or you will end up unhappy.

Another movie that I cannot recall why I had not seen this one before especially since I am such a huge fan of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.  Really after Pretty Woman you think I would have been one of the first ones to see this but I had not seen this until recently. Almost embarrased to admit such. But I digress, let’s see if I can summarize it without giving too much away.

A journalist (played by Richard Gere) who is on deadline finds out about this “Runaway Bride” and decides to write about her without getting all of the facts. Okay I know from my brother having been a journalist, that is Journalism 101 – always check your facts before you run a story. The Runaway Bride (played by Julia Roberts) turns around and writes the newspaper and gets him fired. Journalist decides to do his fact checking a little late, after the fact by going to the town where the Runaway Bride is in order to clear his name. He befriends her family, friends and fiance. While the journalist is talking with the Runaway Bride’s father, he shares that he has all of her escapes via videotape and gives them to the journalist.  The father also comments on how he has paid for all of these weddings. Runaway Bride says she is paying for number four. Journalist believes she will not make it down the aisle to number four. The more he finds out about her…. Next question is does she make it down the aisle and marry number four or what does she do? You will have to watch the movie if you haven’t already to find out what happens.

Money Implications:

1) Considering her father paid for three weddings, I do not expect anyone to believe their parents will pay for a second wedding if the first one does not last. The expense of three weddings sure enough could put parents in debt.  

2) This bride has major premarital concerns and if the day of the wedding arrives and you continue to have questions, you should either delay the wedding or call it off. It does not matter what people will think – be true to yourself.

3) Realize that money is being spent for a wedding. Whether you are paying for the wedding or your parents are paying, money is being spent. Do not take it for granted that some of these expenses once you have spent the money there is not an opportunity to get the money back. If you have not begun to talk about finances, now is just as good as any time. Start talking about money for your marriage while you are talking about compromising on financial expenses for the wedding.

Observations:

1) The bride continues to panic as she is at the altar or approaching the altar. The father makes a joke about it but you can tell he is not necessarily happy about this situation. The bride says she is going to pay this time. It’s as if she almost has some guilt about these different attempts.

2) When the bride wants to purchase an expensive wedding gown, the lady at the dress shop does not want to sell it to her because she knows her past history with weddings and not making it down the aisle. She recommends she purchase something less expensive. The journalist steps in and says he will buy the dress. When choosing a dress, buy within your budget.

Recommendations:

1) Wherever you are in your relationship, six months to a year or even longer, start talking about money now. Three out of four married couples argue about money. It is not a written rule that you must become a part of that statistic. Talk about money in order to prevent financial stress in your marriage.

2) Be certain that the person you are about to marry is the person you love regardless of income, appearance or employment status. Let’s be honest, some of the cutest people or most handsome treat people the worse. People do not stay the  same age, size and could change jobs several times throughout marriage.

3) Do not lose your identity in becoming a wife. All to often women lose themselves when they become married, especially if their husband has some type of position. They get lost in being Mrs. XXX and then when he loses that position and/or becomes depressed or becomes upset then they too go through that same behavior instead of being strong and talking him through what happened and encouraging him to move forward. Instead the entire household is now depressed and cannot seem to move out of the slump they are in. **Part of what I saw was the problem with Maggie is she felt she could not be herself which incidentally cost her family in the long run.

Good. This means that you have opened up with your soon-t0-be spouse about your finances and there is some cause for concern.  Great! Why do I say that? Because you are talking about your financial background before you walk down the aisle. Can you imagine what would happen if you did not?

Imagine walking down the aisle saying I do, knowing all the while in the back of your mind you hope that he does not find out about your debt. Let me ask you, how do you plan on keeping this from him once you are married? Should you? Remember three out of four married couples argue about money. Furthermore, we have all heard that money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

The fact that you are discussing the bottom line and it is causing concern, I say ask the soon-to-be groom the same thing. What is his financial background? This way you do not feel as if you are the only one in the hot seat. Trust me right about now you feel as if you are in the hot seat and want to change the subject.

Not necessary. Your learning to discuss money issues now will serve you well throughout your marriage instead of avoiding the tough topics. Share with me, how do you plan on starting the “Money Talk” today?

This is one of those things that I have always known because some become professional athletes at such a young age and are bombarded with limelight, money and opportunities that they are not necessarily prepared for. I came across this story tonight and could not resist sharing it, it is titled Taking Vows in a League Hit Hard by Divorce.

This story shares that 78% of NFL players are bankrupt, divorced or jobless. WHOA! That statistic says that they are not being protected nor surrounded by people that are truly looking out for their best interest long term. There is absolutely NO REASON on GOD’s Green earth why these individuals should end up bankrupt or jobless.  I had to say it that way.

This is the way I see it - their job is to play football but is not a reason for them to neglect their marriage.  It still takes work – TEAMWORK as a matter of fact. The wife cannot feel as if she is doing all the work. Furthermore, the athlete should not be made to feel as if he is strictly a cash machine.

There is sooo much in this article but another thing I want to point out is it says, “When athletes retire, most face an identity crisis. Many do not retire on their own terms, and once they leave the game, they also leave behind the fame and fortune, the crowds and adoration. Their wives experience a similar loss of status.”  Wives need to have their own identity whether they are married to a professional athlete or not because as soon as that person stops that particular position she could easily fall into depression. That does not help that husband in any way shape or form, especially if he did not leave that position on his own terms.

Athletes and wives should be taking the time to establish who they are outside of his job. What are your dreams and goals? If he was not a professional athlete what would both of you be doing? What is it you would do if you had to retire today?

Being a professional athlete does not define who you are. Put a plan in place so that when the job is done, you can move on to the next phase of your life with minimal stress and disarray to your household.

Read the article and share your thoughts here.

Listen – BRIDES, GROOMS, PARENTS - what will it take for people to realize that money is such an important topic that needs to be addressed before walking down the aisle. Obviously this man did not know his bride enough to know that she would BECOME a DIFFERENT person because of money.

If you are in the process of getting married and you have not talked about money - CAUTION – what could possibly happen if you reveal after the wedding that you have DEBT? Do not set yourself nor your future spouse up like that. It is not fair to either one of you. Do not rush yourself. If having this discussion means you do not end up getting married then you are probably better off. Money discussions are not to be taken lightly nor ignored.

You must read this story – this husband says, he assumes her motive was money. Judge grants bail for Boynton Beach wannabe…

Before you think so little about discussing money – bride or groom – think enough of yourself to ask the question. Parents – LOVE your son or daughter more than enough to give them Financial skills for marriage. Go to www.DebtAtTheAltar.com and get Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar.

It is soooo good to be back. I thought I would start this writing campaign off having loads of fun and giving a different look at things when it pertains to money. As a reader of Money Talk Matters, you should know by now that my approach is “not the norm” and it will look at things from a perspective you might not have thought of.

There is no reason that this post should be different. Let’s have fun. Look at the title: What is your M.M.O? Maybe you looked at that and said I have a HMO which is a health maintenance organization that provides healthcare or you have a PPO which is a preferred provider organization. At the end of the day, you had to choose your HMO or PPO or you chose neither one.

Are you curious as to what an M.M.O is? I am sure that many of you have heard of MO on different legal shows. This is what I want to ask you what is your Money Mode of Operation? When a money situation arise that you did not plan for – how do you handle it? Do you:
1) Get upset
2) Ignore it thinking it will disappear
3) Look at it and begin thinking of solutions
4) If you are married, do you blame the spouse
5) Fuss to friends about it hoping they will join “the pity party”

Think back to the last time you found out about a money situation that you did not know about. What was your response? Is this something that you would repeat or do you think you need to handle issues better?

Your Money Mode of Operation says a lot about who you are, how you handle money and what you think about money. If you are a person that does not like conflict, you should do everything that you can to make sure your finances are pretty much always in order.

If your Money Mode of Operation is to fly off the handle, scream to those around about the issue – know that at the end of the day, screaming DOES not solve the problem. As a matter of fact, it could create uneasiness to anyone that saw you “lose it”. Furthermore, the problem continues to remain and could grow to be an even bigger progblem later.

If you are Married and you do not know your Money Mode of Operation, I imagine your spouse does not either. It is time to sit down and begin talking about your finances. Establish financial goals with one another.

Know this, if you are not aware of your Money Mode of Operation begin thinking about it now. I am certain you will discover your Money Mode of Operation. After much thought, do you need to make an adjustment. I recommend you adjust where necessary and prepare yourself for your next money decision.

Good luck on finding out what your MMO is!