Money Talk Matters – Bride and Groom Money Talk©

One of my favorite Money and Marriage Tips that I often post on Twitter is the biggest expense of marriage is …. DIVORCE. Well, well how about that the New York Times released an article on October 23, 2009 and in the very beginning it says, “But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.”

Money Talks To Have Before Marriage continued to share the affects of divorce affect far more people. Divorce is not just about the husband and the wife, it affects the children, relatives and friends of those spouses. It is very costly. The author of this article states, He has wanted to devote a series to divorce and money for a long time and decided to start with discussing finances which could save some marriages if people made it a priority”.

Money and Marriage should be a lifestyle of open communication about finances, establishing and achieving mutual financial goals as well as removing financial stress and strain from the relationship. When financial stress takes over the relationship, husbands and wives tend to forget about the loving and nurturing part of their relationship. Dreams are forgotten. Pointing the finger becomes the norm and shifting the blame. Blaming each other does not solve the financial challenges.

Brides-to-be, grooms, and even newlyweds take note. Sure you can spend thousands of dollars on your wedding, but what will you do to ensure that your marriage lasts for a lifetime?

When this question came in to me, I had to do a little research because I had not ever heard of this. This person is divorcing from her husband and I gather it is not by her choice; however, she has no access to money because his money is in his ministry account.

I had not heard of a ministry account before. What I have discovered is that it is an account for people involved in ministry. What it appears to me is this woman’s husband has an account and did not give her access nor did he put her name on the account.

Now I ask you, what is GODly about this behavior? What happened to the Ephesians 5:25-29 where it says, (Amplified Bible) ”

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27 That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless]. 28 Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church.

Doesn’t it say in 29, he must nourish, carefully protect and cherish her. So it appears this man is going to leave his wife and possibly kids without financial means to take care of their household. Sure, I don’t know the whole story. Even without knowing the entire story, this does not sound like to me what Jesus would do!

This saddens me because it is questions like these and situations like this that cause others in the Church to stumble. Because people who are and are not saved are watching how Christian marriages are falling apart based on husbands and wives choices, selfishness and lack of guidance from within the Church.

Recommendation:
(1) The wife needs to take steps to ensure she and her children are provided for.

(2) She needs to do an assessment of what joint accounts they do have.

(3) She also needs to assess the credit cards they have and find out what happens when they get divorced.

(4) If the wife has a joint bank account and no credit card, she should talk with a personal banker about opening her own account and getting a debit card attached to her account.

*This is a time to be honest with yourself and not in denial about your situation.

Over the last few days I have watched some news and saw this story about Steve Phillips that worked for ESPN and the young production assistant. It is pretty sad that this is becoming so common that almost every week or so, there is a story in the news regarding infidelity which can lead to job loss, divorce, not to even mention the impact on the children.

I have yet to figure out how people can be so short-sighted when it comes to choices that they make. Because of a choice he made to involve himself with this young woman, now he has lost his job, his wife has filed for divorce.. allegedly this young woman made harassing phone calls and even came to their home one time. Seems as if this all started when this young woman’s relationship ended with him.

When I saw it on the news, they were showing a clip of the movie, Fatal Attraction which they were comparing this to. That definitely came to my mind. The price of infidelity is HIGH and I don’t think most people can afford to pay it.

What are going to be the long term effects of this on his family? How can he explain this to his kids, I believe I heard there are children. It does not matter what age children are when infidelity is a part of the reason there is a separation or divorce, someone has to explain what is happening. Sure it is not the media’s or public’s business – what happens though is these people are in the media’s eye and it becomes “open season” for them and and unfortunately the lives of their families.

Couples don’t be so short-sighted that you do not think about the long-term consequences of every decision and action you take.

Very interesting this morning I came across this article discussing Research shows Career Women make Bad Wives . Of course the title caught my attention and I had to continue reading.

This article is discussing another article that was written by a Forbes Executive in 2006 that said Don’t Marry a Career Woman. His article suggested the career woman is more likely to divorce, not have children and more. Does talk about Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Oprah, Martha Stewart and more as highly successful women that are either single, divorced or childless.

I have not ever looked at that and find that to be interesting. When you have a marriage where both husband and wife are focused on their careers, children can be a part of it. A great component of marriage, career, parenting and all that it entails is balance, communication and goals. What each spouse would like for their marriage, careers and parenting dreams? I for one do not think you have to give up your career dreams in order to be a parent.

What are your thoughts about the career women and being a wife?

I had the opportunity the other night to watch Say Yes To The Dress for the first time and I cannot exactly say that I was surprised by what I saw. Since I had not seen it before I decided to sit through at least thirty minutes of the show and my husband and I talked about it.

This is a show where the bride-to-be goes to the dress shop with her family, bridesmaids, sometimes the grooms and begins the exciting task of choosing her dress. Well, this one particular episode that I was watching this young woman already knew what dress she wanted before she walked in the store because she saw it on someone that worked there and fell in love with this dress. Her budget for her dress was set at $5,000. I will reserve my comments on that one for later.

So the coordinator comes out and she speaks with her and shares with her about the dress she would like to try on this day. So this bride-to-be and coordinator go to the back and the dress is brought into the dressing room. She puts the dress on and it is absolutely stunning. She walks out where the family and friends are and they really like it as well.

Then she is told what the price of the dress is. She realizes it is over budget and the coordinator proceeds to recommend an alternative. Bride-to-be puts on the alternative dress which is nice and within her budget but she wants Dress #1. So she is now back in her regular clothes and asks to talk with her family for a few minutes.

Bride-to-be and family meet in this room and she tells them the dress is over budget and by how much. The family in turn decides they will help her pay for this dress that is 2xs over her budgeted amount. The coordinator goes to the manager of the bridal shop and say we need to help her get this dress.

When I saw this, it reminded me of when a salesman at the car dealership goes back and talks with the manager about the price. Then he comes back and says this is the lowest we can do. Same thing, the manager comes out with the coordinator and says this is the price we can give you. Mind you it still stays around 11k and she is excited.

Observation:

1) Brides – the budget is in place for a reason. The dress is going to be worn one day for a few hours.

2) I would have preferred seeing her put the additional money towards a down payment on a house or paying off existing bills. Let’s face it, more than likely one person is coming into the marriage with debt.

3) When she chose to go over budget, the family decided they would kick in. So is it her normal standard to go over budget for the things that she wants. If so, this groom is going to be in trouble fast.

4) Involving the family in financial affairs in a new marriage can present some problems. Proceed with caution.

Today there was no way that I was going to let this topic pass and not write. My brother sent me this story, I saw it on twitter and all over various sites – Interracial couple in Louisiana denied a Marriage License by a Justice of the Peace in Tangipahoa Parish. My initial thought was UNBELIEVABLE – here it is 2009 and it is still happening. Then I had to stop and say wait a minute – I am from Louisiana, in an interracial marriage and I KNOW FIRSTHAND that the same mindset this Justice of the Peace has exists not only in Louisiana but in many states. The sad thing is that this Justice of the Peace used his personal bias when it came to his position and that is not right.

LOVE does not know ethnicity boundaries – people make those boundaries for whatever reason. This JOP saying that interracial marriages don’t last and his concern for the kids literally made me ill. My husband and I have been very happily married for 13 years and have beautiful twins. Last time I checked, racism is racism whether you are biracial or not. I’ve experienced racism just because of my skin color when shopping ALONE and I have not lived in Louisiana in years.

We have President Obama and yes that united a lot of people. BUT, we still have a long way to go. Weigh in! What are your thoughts on this issue.

Husbands and wives listen up. This question came to me anonymously and I felt to address this on my blog.  Should a married person keep borrowing money to a friend a secret? First and foremost, a marriage is built on trust and cannot be built on secrets. When secrets come out they usually inflict HAVOC on a marriage because of what it is. Why would you, a married person be loaning money to a friend and not discuss it with your spouse? That goes for male or female.

What is your goal for not telling your spouse that you are loaning money to a friend?

(1) You are not telling your spouse because you know they would not agree.

(2) You believe the friend will pay you back before the spouse discovers this money  is missing.

(3) You do not believe you are accountable to your spouse when it comes to money and you can do whatever you want.

(4) Your friend has been giving you a hard time about checking with your spouse before doing things. SO to show them that you are in control, you loan this friend money without telling the spouse.

If none of those are your goal, then you need to re-evaluate why you keep loaning money to a friend and are keeping it a secret. Are you prepared to deal with the consequences when your spouse finds out? Secrets rarely stay a secret.

I know that many brides and grooms have gotten creative because of what is happenign with the economy. I read a story today that is titled Bride’s Offer to Barter turns into $75,000 wedding for free. I tell you what I like this story, why you ask? Let me tell you it says to me that she is not going to overspend nor by on the spur of the moment just because she wants something. She will take her time and shop around.

This bride posted on Craigslist she didn’t have the money for her wedding but would barter services if anyone could help her out. People stepped up to the plate and helped make her wedding dream come true. It would be interesting to see how she manages money for their marriage. I say that because she did not have money for a wedding. You know the saying, where there is a will, there is a way. Well this bride has truly seen that come true.

When it comes to marriage, money is an important part of marriage. I hope that this bride and groom are already discussing money and how to manage it for their marriage beyond this glorious wedding day they just had.

What are your thoughts about bartering for a wedding?

The topic of savers and spenders marrying continue to be a hot topic. I know firsthand that this is true even of my own marriage. I read an article a couple of days ago that was titled Why Savers and Spenders Marry . The author shares how her husband started a new job teaching in the fall and suggested he might need some new work clothes. She braced herself for a fight. To her surprise – she calls him Mr. Frugal, he agreed with her.

I know when I met my husband, he was a shopper to his heart. Believe me when I say shopper, I mean it seriously. One of the first things he asked me was to write down all of my sizes – clothes, shoes and jewelry. I must say this floored me because that had not ever happened. Mind you I did what he asked. Once we got married, he would shop for me. This was great because I HATE shopping. I love to shop for books (I am an avid reader) but not clothes. I don’t do Christmas shopping like most. I have to make my list of what I want, where it is at. Go in, purchase it and come out.

Okay, back to the post – so when we got married we agreed on a plan to clean up our debt. Within our plan we also decided to balance his spending and he agreed. So we established healthy boundaries in money management. So the shopper became conservative and saving.  I believe that in every saver and spender their is a part of the other perspective in each. It just depends on what you would purchase. Because I turn into a shopper when it comes to books, however, for anything else I am a saver.

Husbands and wives, brides and grooms  – open communciation and being honest about who you are is essential. If you are a shopper, you are a shopper. If you are a saver, you are a saver. Do not let that role cause you to live an unhappy marriage and life. Work together for common goals in the financial aspect of your marriage.

Very rarely am I up in the morning to watch the early morning talk shows. However, this morning I was up watching GMA and saw a story about this new website that is an alternative for couples that have disputes. So you do not have to go to People’s Court or even before Judge Mathis (which is one of my favorites). This guy created Sidetaker.com where couples can post their disputes and let people decide how they should handle a situation.

I can readily see why people gravitate to such a site as this because there will always be people that want to give advice. Many people seek the advice of others even when they know what to do. Then there is that group that will continue telling their situation to people until they hear what they want to hear. My favorites are the ones that ask you for your advice and then do the opposite of what you suggest. I am sure many of you can relate to that.

What do you think of Sidetaker.com?