Money Talk Matters – Bride and Groom Money Talk©

Congratulations to all the engaged couples that are dealing with money matters during the engagement! Does that sound strange? It should not because better now than later to be discussing money matters. Talking about who is going to manage the money, what are the existing debts being brought into the marriage and much more can save you from a lot of grief, headaches, nights where you go to bed upset with each other because of financial stress – believe me it is not worth it.

When you stand across the altar from the one you love, those first few months to couple of years should be spent nurturing the relationship, having fun as you learn more about each other as a husband and wife, the quirks, the habits and so much more. Coming into a marriage with debt that has not been discussed is setting the marriage up for division and a lack of trust in the marriage. Once trust is gone in the relationship, it is hard to get it back.

If you are engaged and wonder what you should be talking about, the following is a beginning point:

1) What student loans are being brought to the marriage?

2) What credit card debt is being brought to the marriage?

3) What happends when a financial emergency arises? What do each of you think would be the best way to get a financial unexpected emergency handled?

4) Who is going to be better at managing money?

By all means are these the end all of all the questions. This is a starting point. The idea is not to overwhelm and frustrate each other to a point of not wanting to discuss finances. You should talk about finances with the idea of resolving challenges and having a game plan. Financial discussions can lead to greater intimacy in a marriage.

When there are no financial problems, the fun can truly begin pampering each other just because you love one another. It does not have to be a special day – each day you spend with each other is a GREAT day.

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Brides if you have a fiance that does not want to share money, what is the message that sends to you? Did you ask him why or did you jump to assumptions because he said he did not want to share money? Listen, before you go jumping off the handle and then getting mad with him, sit down and talk with him about the reason.

I also want to ask you why do you want him to share money at this point? You are engaged not married. What is behind your wanting him to share money? While you are engaged it gives you an opportunity to observe how each other handle money individually and not as a couple. Sure this is your future spouse but you both have your own income and are coming to the table with some sort of financial background.

Let me caution you, if the reason you want your fiance to share money now during the engagement is so you have more to spend you potentially could scare him away. Having access to more money does not necessarily make you a better money manager especially if you are a spender.

If he does not want to share money based on an experience he had with a prior girlfriend, even though you are not her, he is entitled to not share during this time frame. What have you done to prove to him that you are not going to do the same thing she did? Let’s face it, there are men and women that take advantage of each other when it comes to money.

I believe it is a great thing to discuss all of these varying topics that are centered around money because it shows you what is going to happen during the marriage. If you are openly talking about money while you are engaged, this gives you more of a headstart at solving financial issues during your marriage. You won’t have to get stressed about it because you are already in the mode of being solution oriented when it comes to finances.

That is one of the best things you can be is, be solution oriented instead of victim oriented. You finances and marriage depend on your being level headed as husband and wife in an effort to resolve financial challenges and move on.

I love him but he has debt and that stays on my mind. If you are a bride-to-be and this is you, congratulations on recognizing a red flag. This red flag is DEBT and it bothers you that he has it. Let me ask you this question and how you answer it will be important.

Question: How did you find out about the debt?

If your answer is (1) He told me – this is good because it means that he is being honest with you about financial mistakes he has made in the past. He wants to alleviate the debt and could see how you are going to respond to the fact he said he has debt. Are you going to leave him because he has debt or are you willing to say, I understand mistakes happen and let’s develop a plan to remove the debt.

If your answer is (2) He did not tell you and you found out on your own either by going through some of his things or a family member told you, then you have to ask yourself what else is he hiding from you and why? Caution: If you were going through his things, you could have a trust issue later if he discovers this is how you found out. Did he not tell you about the debt because he truly feels bad and is afraid that you would leave him. Or did he not tell you purposely because he is thinking if I can just get her to the aisle, then once we are married I can tell her about the debt.

Or if your answer is (3) He told me he has debt and wants to break it off. Then you need to discuss in detail why he wants to break it off. You have to ask yourself what is it about the debt that bothers you? Is it because you do not have debt or is it because both of you have debt? Now is the time to put everything on the table.

Since you are aware he has debt, what does your picture look like? What is it that you would like to see for the future and both of you be honest with each other. Honesty is the best policy. Secrets lead to division, destruction and sometimes divorce. Do not let a secret establish your life’s path in your relationships.

Brides – if your fiance does not make any money, how are you going to handle that? In everything you do, you must have a plan whether it be education, career, purchasing a car, buying a house and even getting married. Each of these areas involve money and it is not wise to make decisions with your eyes closed.

Financial decisions have long lasting effects if made carelessly. So if you are engaged at this point and your fiance does not make any money, let me provide some “food for thought”. Hold on to your seat because that does not mean I am going to say break off the engagement. Continue reading below.

Questions to ask yourself if your fiance does not make any money. Make sure you can answer these questions based on your own observations of him, by talking with him and what you know is true:

1) Is your fiance a hardworker, but poor at managing money?

2) Does he feel that he should not have to work, but think things should just be given to him?

3) Does he have bills?

4) When you and your fiance go out, who pays for dinner, movies or whatever the activity is?

5) If your fiance does not work, what was his last job and why did he quit?

6) Does he want to start his own business?

7) How are the wedding expenses being handled?

After the wedding, where do you and your fiance plan to live?

9) Does your fiance have dreams and goals for himself?

10) What does your fiance’s credit report look like?

11) Was he married before, if so was money one of the reasons the marriage ended?

Brides, when you take a trip and you plan on driving you have a map and you map out your course. If you are like me, you map it out in complete detail even to where your gas stops will occur. When you are planning on getting married to someone that you are going to share your life with, it should not be any different. Take the time and get these questions answered. Do not ignore the fact that his not making any money is bothering you.

PLEASE PLEASE pay attention to the little red flag that is raised. It should bother you and that means it is worth discussing and not being swept under the rug. If it is necessary – get Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar financial education program which teaches couples how to communicate about money in a non-threatening manner.

What a fun time to be planning a wedding as an engaged couple. One thing that you should not forget to do is establish a budget as an engaged couple. This budget could encompass many things because while most brides are probably focused primarily on the wedding, I want to encourage you to also focus on the marriage.

You could establish a wedding day budget – what you plan to spend for
caterers, flowers, wedding gown, etc. The groom’s cost will more than likely be minimal. However, once you return from the honeymoon and began living together if you had not gotten a place together prior to your marriage, now you are beginning your life together as husband and wife.

What should be included in the budget:
Income
Expenses
Groceries
Utilities
Insurance costs – auto, life, health
Credit Card bills
Student Loans

Those are only a few items that should be on the budget. You should sit down and each person complete a budget worksheet of what their bills are separately and then do a budget where you have combined all of your expenses.

As you are planning to move forward with the wedding, do not blame each other for past expenses that you incurred when the other person was not a part of your life. Budgeting says that you do not have to keep up with the Joneses or your best girlfriend that had a wedding that costs x amount of dollars.

As an engaged couple, now is not the time to be silent when it comes to finances, budgeting and your future. Be honest with yourself and establish a plan. It can make the difference between financial stress and financial happiness.

If you need additional guidance or resources, look under www.moneytalkmatters.com/products.

Brides and grooms there is no reason to fear discussing money before marriage if your soon to be spouse is your best friend, the person you can talk to about everything and the one you are marrying for love and not money. Regardless of what financial mistakes that were made prior to your saying “I Do”, you should put the cards on the table.

There are a variety of benefits to discussing money before marriage such as:

(1) Trust – If you can openly and honestly discuss your finances before you get marriage this can increase the level of trust within your marriage. This could say to your future spouse that you trust them and love them enough to share even the not so pretty picture so they are not broadsided later by an ugly truth.

(2) Teamwork – This presents to your future spouse teamwork versus division because of money. Discussing money before marriage allows both sides to see what each other did right and what mistakes might have been made. Furthermore, the two of you can come together and discuss a way to resolve financial issues together. This in itself can reveal how you will handle financial challenges once you are married.

(3) Financial Goals – Talking about money early gives you an opportunity to establish mutual financial goals. This gives you a glimpse into what you have to look forward to once you are married and how you can think about the short and long-term consequences of decisions made. You will see whether each one will fight to have their own way or be willing to compromise and work for the benefit of the relationship.

(4) Can keep you from being a statistic – Discussing money before marriage instead of keeping financial secrets from your groom to be, could keep your marriage from becoming a divorce statistic due to the lack of financial discussions.

Grooms make a note: If you have to support your bride-to-be financially before marriage make sure that all the cards are on the table beforehand. What is good about this is the opportunity to find out the good, bad and ugly about each other’s financial background. What each of you have done and what you plan to do for your future?

Now is the time to find out why you need to support the bride-to-be financially and is it due to her mismanagement of funds. If she is working, then the two of you need to talk about money management skills. What have you done and you already know that she is having some issues? How do you plan to move forward because one of the first things that you need to decide as husband and wife if not before is who will manage the money for your marriage.

You do not want to go into your marriage managing money by trial and error. Debt after a wedding impacts the marriage relationship like nothing else in the beginning. It robs husbands and wives of the opportunity to learn about each other and nurture their relationship. They almost automatically go into fight mode because of the financial strain that they are facing.

Take this time to talk about each other’s financial background and establish a new financial foundation for your marriage, who will manage the money and pay the bills as well as mutual financial goals to pay off debt, plan for vacations, buying a house and more. Think long-term and not just for today.

I must say with all the different things going on with the economy and how it is affecting marriages, I am happy to see the anonymous questions that are coming in. For example, today this statement came in my fiance does not want to share his money. Hmm – there are several ways that you can look at this.

What is the reason the bride feels her fiance should share his money even at this stage? Is it because they have established mutual bills for the wedding? Or is it because she thinks she should have access now and would rather spend his money versus her money?

Why does the fiance not want to share his money? Is there something that happened in a previous relationship that has given him reason to keep his money separate until they are married? Where is it written that even during the engaged state, there is an obligation to share the money? Personally, I feel that the bride-to-be and groom should be watching how each other handles their individual money. They should be making a mental note of the following things:
a) Are they paying all their bills on time?
b) Are they purchasing all their wants versus their needs?
c) Are they spending when they are unhappy and overspending?
d) Are they asking the other person for money?
e) Do they borrow money from their parents because they have a shortage?

Those questions and much more should be answered even in this stage. I do not fault the fiance for not wanting to share without knowing all the facts. I see it as a precaution and the bride-to-be needs to find out why he feels this way. DO not assume you know the reason before talking with him and asking the question.

Have you not seen any of the court tv shows such as Judge Hatchett, Judge Joe Brown or even Judge Mathis – this statement is like an episode that I have even seen over and over.

Boy dates girl, they believe they are in love. He loans her money after dating for about six weeks. She begins paying him back after the loan. She pays a minimal amount two times and then she breaks up with him. They do not have anything in writing and before you know it, they end up on Judge Mathis or Judge Joe Brown.

Listen, when you are in the dating stage this is also the perfect time to watch how someone manages their money. If you are dating someone and they ask you for a loan, do not feel obligated to loan them the money. It is not your responsibility.

Watch the signs:

(1) Being asked to loan money without anything in writing.

(2) Asking you for a loan in the first place.

(3) Mismanaging funds. Spending money loaned on extras versus paying off bills.

(4) Asking you to pay a bill for them while you are in the dating stage.

(5) Asking you to help a relative financially.

When you are only dating, watch what is happening with their money. How they spend, if they are working and more. This is not to be taken lightly. So take heed and choose your relationships carefully.

Brides if your fiance is bad with money, now is the time to talk with him and plan for your financial foundation during your marriage. It is a GREAT thing that you are finding out this information prior to your walking down the aisle. You may be puzzled as to why! Because there are so many brides and grooms that are not even discussing money before marriage and then they become mad when they find out that the money is not right or the other person has debt.

The biggest expense of marriage is DIVORCE. While you are seeing that your fiance is bad with money, why not take steps together to correct his financial mistakes and any financial mistakes that you have made. While you are putting it out there that he is bad with money, what about you? Is your financial background spotless? If not, then I suggest you share with him as well what your financial background is so that you are starting from a place of everyone’s financial cards being on the table.

It is not fair if you do not share with him and you know in the back of your mind, you have made mistakes too. Even if you have not made mistakes, share with him how you handle money so that it can enlighten him on how you make financial decisions as well as what you base those decisions on.

After you have shared how you handle money, the two of you should look at what his plans are to clean up his financial situation. Establish goals that are achievable and realistic. He needs to be able to take some steps to correct his financial picture. That may or may not necessarily involve you. What you can do is to talk with him on a regular basis and see what progress he has made. This will let him know you are not just going to have a one time discussion and drop it. Encourage him to pursue financial relief in his own life.