Money Talk Matters

Archive for November, 2009

From what I read President Barack Obama signed a bill Nov. 6 that extends the $8,000 first-time homebuyer credit until June 30, and makes some current homeowners eligible for $6,500 on a new home purchase. That is good news.

It is a great thing to be a homeowner and it is important to know how to purchase a home and not go into thinking you need to compete with the Jones. There are probably many families right now that were under the impression they needed to compete with the Jones that are having a difficult time based on the economy.

What is one of the first steps you can take in preparing to become a homeowner. If you have six months to a year, sit down and budget what you are paying for your current place of residence and what you are willing to spend to become a homeowner. I remember when my husband and I were preparing to become homeowners, we took our time driving through and looking at the different neighborhoods, housing developments and did not get swayed by what people said.

For us it was not about what the lender wanted us to spend, it was about us not being “house poor”, deserving to own a piece of the “American Dream” and enjoying it. So take the time to make the budget and be realistic. If you are in a rental situation and have not had to pay utilities, then you need to have a line item for the budget when you looking at home buying costs.

You can also contact the local utility company and ask them what is the average utility cost during the winter and summer months. This will give you an idea of what you can expect. To receive more information on home buying costs from A to Z on becoming a homeowner, I invite you to get your copy today of Amazon.com Bestseller Homebuyer’s Helper (How to Have and Hold on to your House) via http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/products

Attention Brides, Brides-to-be ****

If your fiance is not paying his rent, what is the reason? When you are engaged to be married and it does not matter when the marriage is, if your fiance is not paying his bills you need to ask him why not? You also need to be watching this and not ignoring it. What could possibly be the reason for them not paying their rent or their own bills?

What message is this sending to you? I pray it is not a message of sweep it under the table and do not discuss it. Do not be so hung up on getting married, that you are willing to overlook him not paying his rent. Realize that a rental company will evict you after they do not receive their rent for a period of time. This will go on his credit record

Let me say this, if he is not paying his rent, what else is he not paying? I hope that he does not tell you he did not pay his rent because he spent the money on you? This already makes for more financial stress than you need entering into marriage. If your fiance is not paying his rent, the following are some steps I recommend:

(1) Find out his reason before you make any decisions as to why he is not paying his rent.

(2) Ask him if there are other bills that he is not paying.

(3) Convey to him that you are engaged to be married to him and not paying his bills is sending you an uneasy message and could result in more financial stress than necessary as you prepare to enter into marriage.

(4) Make sure he understands the long-term consequences of not paying his rent.

(5) While he is sharing his situation, begin sharing with him about your finances even if they are not as serious.

Brides if this is the person you love, then you can work this out. Make sure you have a very clear picture of what is happening with his finances. Get all the facts and do not leave room to be taken advantage of. Meaning he tells you what he wants you to hear. I think at this point you could ask for a credit report. That gives you enough information to know what his financial picture really looks like prior to your saying “I Do”.

Brides and Grooms, if you are engaged and arguing about money step back and ask yourself, what are we arguing about? Let me pose these questions:

1) Are you arguing about one person overspending?

2) Is one person not paying their share of the bills?

3) Are you arguing about expenses that occurred before you became engaged?

4) Or is about the wedding expenses?

The four questions above might not even be the reason you are arguing. What you need to do is step back and begin talking about your financial situation that exist on both parties behalf. Why? If you are arguing before you get married, imagine what it is going to be like once you say “I Do.” The two of you are the same people and that will not change.

This means that both of you have to adjust your money management skills or learn how to manage money for the benefit of the marriage. Do not rush into marriage thinking that you can change each other. When it comes to money brides and grooms have to accept responsibility for their individual choices prior to becoming husbands and wives. Sure, the husbands and wives will sometimes end up dealing with the consequences of choices made by brides and grooms. What tends to help that situation is by being honest about your finances prior to saying “I Do” versus letting that spouse get blindsighted by money issues.

Remember, arguing does not solve money issues. What it does is allow people to point the blame, shop based on emotions, stop talking and much more. Do not fall into those patterns because it usually leads to more financial mistakes.

I want to share today a firsthand account of “The Marriage Fishbowl”. The marriage fishbowl just doesn’t apply to people in high profile offices, but it also applies to people in ministries, certain high profile atheletes and much more.

I remember when my husband and I were dating, there were people in my class at the time that did not like us being together. It happens and I am sure some of you can relate. We represent happiness and true love. Not judging someone based on appearances and other people’s opinion.

At the time we were dating, I was attending ministry school. We got engaged while I was in school and married about two months prior to graduation. There were people that were watching our every move – did he treat me well, how do they act in pubic and etc. Some went so far as to say we would not make it. There was at least one or two other couples that formed based on our relationship because they felt our marriage had given them the green light to marry outside of their race. My husband and I knew that GOD brought us together so we were not marrying each other out of rebellion to our parents or anything of that nature.

So we felt like we had been in the fishbowl. In a few months we will be celebrating 14 yrs of marriage. We have an unconditional love and are both givers. That definitely makes all the difference in the world.

It does not take being The First Family to be in “The Marriage Fishbowl.” More than likely it is happening right there in your own community.

Brides – stop read and learn. I have been getting several questions regarding fiance’s and I must say please pay attention. This question came no doubt from a bride and you need to read this answer in full.

Question: Should a fiance help with bills even if he does not live with me?

Answer: This answer is going to be quite detailed because there are several variables.

First and foremost, the fiance’ should not be obligated to help the bride-to-be pay bills if they are strictly the brides’ bills that were created even before the fiance’ came along. Now if he chooses to help, it should be his choice and not one of feeling as if he was manipulated into helping. That would be wrong.

Second, if these were bills created by the bride-to-be for the wedding that they (bride and fiance) budgeted for, then sure he should help out with the bills even if he does not live there. Another factor that comes into play with this is if they are primarily paying for their own wedding and the parents are not contributing or are making a minimal contribution to the wedding.

Third, if these are joint bills they created together what I mean by that they opened up joint credit accounts and they have charged this and that, sure he should help pay for the bills even if they do not live together. This can be a lesson in money prior to saying “I Do”. What can be learned in this lesson is what was the original agreement when it came to expenses, who would pay, etc. If the fiance helped create the debt and then decides that he does not want to help pay, I say to the bride-to-be take a long look and decide if this is what you want your marriage to be like.

If he does not voluntarily help pay before then more than likely he will not pay after you say “I Do”. Then what happens is you are going to have regrets and think of ways to get out of it.

This is a “hot topic” that I continue to see needs answering. Should parents give married “GROWN” children money. Let me say upfront there are a lot of different factors and I am going to discuss them right here. Because LIFE happens and the answer can vary. Take the time to read this and decide what applies to you or what will you do when your children are grown and married.

First situation: I think it is acceptable for parents to give grown married children money if they are in an emergent situation. It was unexpected, they are not bad money managers but an unexpected sitation has happened. Also as long as the husband and wife, both know the parents gave the money. This does happen and can happen.

Second situation: Parents are loaning their adult child money without the spouse knowing it. This is primarily when the spouse is complaining to parents about their spouse. So the parents are almost taking sides and encouraging separation in money and marriage by their actions. Do not even pretend it does not happen because it does. Parents do not insert yourself in the middle of a husband and wife financial issues. They have to learn how to talk with each other (not argue) and work out their differences. You are not in their home 24/7 and are getting one side of the story.

Third situation: Grown married children are taking advantage of their parents because they know they can. There are probably a husband and wife that are bad money managers based on their own background, then they run to mom and dad to bail them out of their financial troubles because they know they can without any remorse. This in itself makes for debt situations that can tear the marriage apart. What can also end up happening in this situation is that one set of parents become a bank and the other set of parents are almost ignored because they do not open up their wallets. Either way, all of this scenario is bad.

Caution for parents: When brides and grooms get married initially, they need to learn how to rely on each other. Not run to you to bail them out at the first sign of financial stress.

Brides and grooms: Do not go to your parents and speak negatively about yout spouse and money. Once you paint a picture of negative and uncooperation, it is hard to change it back.

Brides to be: ALERT – We all know the statistics and I am going to remind you what they are:
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

Three out of four married couples are arguing about money since the recession.

One in three marriages deal with financial infidelity

If your fiance does not pay his share of the bills that you are creating together prior to marriage, be “CAUTIOUS”. Why, let’s lay the cards on the table:

(1) Why is he not paying his share? Is it because he just does not want to?

(2) Can he not afford to? He could afford to create them with you.

(3) Is he blaming these bills on you?

This is not a time to ignore the fact that he does not want to pay his share. Is this a pattern and will this be what he does once you are married? There are clear signals that people are ignoring every day in order to walk down the aisle. Then they get divorced because of issues that arise such as money, when they did not talk about it in the first place.

Brides to be (and grooms) – pay attention to what your soon to be spouse is doing with the money prior to your getting married. Don’t just focus on the wedding plans – but look at how they are paying their own bills, are they even talking about it or being silent, what are the parents role in their bills if any and much more.

You do not want to come back from the honeymoon to discover debt beyond your imagination and have regrets. Life is to be enjoyed not dreaded.

Begin talking about money today. One way you could spark the conversation is to tell him about a financial situation that you are dealing with and see if that encourages him to open up about his own financial situation. Nothing too heavy but enough to let him know that you trust him and want to include him in decisions you are making.

Start talking before you come home to the pile of bills.

I was watching CNN a few days ago when they were discussing the NY Times Reporter’s interview with The First Family regarding their marriage and it is very evident they are in what I like to call “The Marriage Fishbowl”.

The Marriage Fishbowl is clearly where everyone is watching your every move that the husband and wife make. Did he do this? Did she do that? What was the response? How do they handle this or that? Being in the marriage fishbowl will cause your marriage to be critiqued by some, praised by others, some will remain silent in wonder, there are couples that will try to live up to your representation of marriage and much more.

With Barack and Michelle Obama, clearly based on the interview facts are facts:

1) He had not lived in the home full-time since 1996. So being in the position they are in now is a good thing. Togetherness.

2) Date night is important to them. Yet it was criticized because of how he did it a year ago.

3) Family is important to them and he makes time for his wife and daughters despite being The President.

4) It was shared that there was a very stressful time in their marriage.

Life Lessons to Accept:

1) We all have a role in our marriage. When the other spouse is not there full-time, we take care of business and do what needs to be done especially when there are children involved. You do not let things fall apart.

2) Marriage takes teamwork. Communication is very important. Not arguing but talking with cool heads.

3) Wives and husbands are to support each other in their individual and mutual goals. VISION is important and know where you are going.

4) Date night is important because it gives you time to enjoy your relationship and each other.

Money was not a topic but I want to interject. Discussing money is very important and would alleviate financial mistakes. Because that too is something that is watched when you are in “The Marriage Fishbowl”.

What do you think it takes to make a marriage work? Leave your comments.

We will discuss “The Marriage Fishbowl” again.