Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

Three days ago I got married and I can still see it sooo clearly. There we were in our chosen venue and my husband with his tuxedo on and the groomsmen by his side. As my father walked me down the aisle, it felt like the best decision I was making. In the back of my mind, I knew everything was not right but there was no way I was going to back out of my own wedding. This was the day I had dreamt of, money had been paid and I wanted to have the wedding.

We said “I Do” and there we were pretending everything was alright for the family and friends that were attending. Here I am now three days later and we have not stopped fighting about bills. It seems like an ongoing argument that will not quit. I did not rush into my wedding and I saw different warning signs about the lack of money management on his part. He was always coming up short for different things and I just brushed it off. Of course, I thought once we were married, things would change.

Now, we are sooo stressed and fighting so much all I can think about is getting out of this marriage. It’s only been three days and I know that I do not want to go through my marriage like this. How do I move forward with this marriage or do I just end it?

Before I make recommendations on this scenario, BRIDES-TO-BE and ENGAGED couples I invite you to write in your comments. Part 2 on Tuesday.

Engaged Couples and Brides-to-Be

There’s a lot of reports coming out right now about money and marriage detailing the affects of money on marriage. Let me share that MONEY has ALWAYS and WILL ALWAYS be a part of marriage. Whether you have a wedding, elope or even go to the Justice of the Peace money is involved. Once you are married, money is an even bigger resource because your financial decisions affect two people.

Let’s cut to the chase, money is used almost daily in some form whether you are buying lunch, paying for gas or even puchasing that latte’ in the morning to get you started it all takes money. Once you are married, money is even more important to the success of the marriage because your financial decisions will affect both of you and not just one of you. Remember, you will no longer be single but a unit.

Money in itself cannot do anything. So when people say money is one of the top three reasons for divorce – in essence it because of how the money was managed or mismanaged that someone did not agree with that affected their relationship, it is because values were not respected and all hope was lost. So before you walk down the aisle, love yourself and each other enough to have begun talking about money. WHY? Because money and marriage is an ongoing conversation for the lifetime of your marriage.

Money has many roles in marriage and prepare yourself because paying for a wedding is not the only role. Take some time and think about what the roles are you believe that money plays in your relationship and what it will mean for your marriage.

If you are seeking a financial education program that you can begin utilizing now, go to www.moneytalkmatters.com/products and purchase Money Talk before the Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops at The Altar. This program is a comprehensive program that teaches you how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of your marriage and can be utilized in the privacy of your own home.

Do not set yourself up to be a “Newlywed” that says “I Made a Mistake”! You can CHOOSE how you want your money and marriage to be – Full of Stress because of Financial Secrets or Fun-Loving, Having Regular Financial Stress-Free talks.

I can remember when it was confirmed that I was carrying twins, one of the first things I did was join an online forum where I could speak with other moms carrying multiples. What a great time we had of sharing tips, resources and encouraging each other. I know from being a “wedding vendor” the same thing happens with brides.

Brides get online to do research regarding fashion, flowers and even finances. Well, it is great that you can talk with other brides and ask how do you handle this and what do you do about this. However, when it comes to finances it is sooo much more than that. Money is a crucial part of marriage that you should be discussing with your future spouse.

What do you want for your money and marriage? Only you and your groom know what the truth is regarding your finances. While you are engaged, now is the time you can observe and openly discuss how do you handle different financial situations. Trust becomes a factor. What does it really mean to trust the one you “say” you love in the area of finances? If you do not feel you can trust them, why is it? How will this affect your relationships?

I will tell you this, TRUST is essential. If you cannot trust someone then you do not have anything. Let alone trust when it comes to money. So do not deceive yourself and begin talking with your fiance. I realize talking to other brides gives you  a chance to see how someone else handled it, BUT they do not know your fiance and you are learning more about him every day.

Begin talking money with your future spouse. If you need some help in how to begin the conversation get your copy today of Money Talk Before the Commitment Walk and Debt Stops at the Altar – it guides you through conversations you should have and solutions to common financial problems.

This morning I decided to write on money management in the household based on several things I have read as well as some discussions I have had. Whether the wife or the husband is the money manager, it is crucial to marriage that the other person is knowledgeable of the household financial climate. If you are the money manager and you are not sharing with your spouse what is going on with the finances, what message are you sending?

At the end of the day, if a financial situation happens and you are not able to pay the bill or meet the unexpected financial situation you are going to be the one that will get blamed. Why? Because you are the one managing the money and aware of what the income and expenses are. You consciously chose not to include the other person. Does that make it right that you get blamed? Absolutely not. What this should say to you is this – I need to include them whether you talk about it once a week or even once a month to start – begin talking.

Money is a part of marriage and you should not wait until an emergent situation occurs to begin talking about finances. When you are talking about finances because of a crisis, your emotions are all involved and you might not think as clearly when you are discussing what your options are in resolving the matter.

You are on the same team and therefore work together versus against the marriage. You can get a lot more accomplished.

Brides and Grooms: This morning I decided to write this post and say Don’t be blinded by love and miss the financial issues that are staring you in the face. If you are engaged to a person and you see financial issues presenting themself but you because you are so in love you do not ask questions, you are literally setting yourself up for financial conflict later.

Yes, financial conflict because there will come a time when you cannot ignore it anymore and want some answers. If you are marrying your best friend, the person that you can talk to about anything then when financial concerns enter your thoughts, take the time to stop and ask the questions.

Maybe the person does not realize they are on this course of financial destruction. Your asking the question could make them stop and say wow, I did not think that is what I was doing.  Furthermore, if you can begin communicating now about money while you are engaged it makes it that much easier to communicate about money in your marriage.

You should not wait until you have a financial challenge to discuss money. Money in marriage is an ongoing discussion not a one time and it is all good discussion. Do not set yourself up like that.

For those of you that are young and getting married, pay attention and do not think you cannot or should not ask the questions. You do not have to be a part of the “norm” that does not talk about money prior to marriage. Step outside of the box and begin talking today.

I wonder how many couples got engaged during Thanksgiving where now either the bride-to-be or groom is looking to cut costs already for the pending wedding. I think I saw a tweet where a groom was looking for ways to reduce costs. It truly is amazing to me, how crafty the brides and grooms get at ways to reduce costs, expenses for the wedding day and might not have had one discussion about money for their marriage.

Sure, it is all good to reduce costs where you can. Wouldn’t it be even better or like icing on the cake to know your marriage could handle financial challenges that might present themselves based on discussions you have had and continue to have during the engagment.

Since this is the beginning, pay close attention to how both of you handle money, talk about money as well as what you agree and or disagree on when it comes to money. Time will tell if you can handle it or not.

Over the holiday weekend, I don’t know how I lucked out and found a “Say yes to the Dress” Marathon. Brides – PLEASE PLEASE stay within your budget and do not bring the other family members in to your financial challenges if you choose to go over budget.

I saw this episode, where the dress costs $25,000 and the family decide they were going to haggle with the sales lady to get this dress down to $12,000. It was unbelievable, of course there was no way they were going to see a $25,000 dress for half. So at the end it was $15,000 without the taxes and it was still waaay over budget. The bride was crying and the parents were biting the bullet. WAIT!!! They have not even paid for the wedding yet. This is just the dress. Hmmm, wonder what would have happened if the bride stayed within budget and thought about the rest of the wedding.

I will tell you right up front, if she went this far over just for the dress, this groom is in trouble. Does not bode well for the marriage in my opinion. Think about it when brides and grooms are planning a wedding and spending, this gives insight into how they will handle major expenses throughout the marriage. Don’t let the three words “I Want it” get you in trouble. Big difference between needs and wants.

Think I will save another observation on a different bride to a later time.

Special Alert – for brides-to-be and grooms, all engaged couples if you are arguing about money now see it as a good thing and become solution oriented. Talking not arguing would serve you better because it will allow you to lay the cards on the table and figure out a solution that works for both.

Even though you are engaged right now, it can give you more of a glimpse into how each other makes decisions when times get tough. What does the fiance want to do? What does the bride-to be want to do? Are they close to being on the same page or are you far apart and refusing to compromise in order to reach an agreement? Listen, its okay to agree to disagree. However, when it comes to finances you cannot just argue, someone walk away without any type of solution being made because feelings got hurt.

Step back from the situation and ask yourself, what are you really arguing about? Did someone’s opinion not get taken into consideration? Or did one person overspend when the other one suggested you should be in a saving mode? Of course if you focus on the fact that you are arguing too long it could be viewed as a negative instead of seeing it as a positive. The good thing about it is you can get your issues on the table and there should not be any financial secrets that each other does not know about as you approach your wedding day.

Question for the fiancee – does arguing about money at this point make you want to call off the wedding and if so, why?

Bride and Groom, Engaged Couples the benefits of premarital financial counseling are many. First and foremost it teaches couples up front that money is a topic that should not remain taboo and ignored if for no other reason, that is it one of the top reasons for divorce. Frankly it costs more to get divorced that it does to get married.

Premarital financial counseling is what it says pre-marital meaning financial counseling that occurs before you get married that can benefit you throughut the lifetime of the marriage. Understand that this should not be a one hour or a 30 minute talk about your finances and then you are sent on your way to muddle through “money and marriage.” Premarital financial counseling should be focused specifically on finances for a certain length of time and be somewhat interactive with couples.

When you are sitting in front of a counselor with your soon-to-be spouse in the room, you could answer things a way that the bride or groom expects you to answer but it might not be the truth. The premarital financial counselor should be interested in getting to the bottom of any financial issues that exist between the couple.

Additionally, the couple has to be honest and participate in the premarital financial counseling which will help them in making decisions when they are no longer in the presence of the counselor. Premarital financial counseling should include finances, relationships and even employment discussions between the couple.

It is not just about there are going to be some hard time, but should also focus on solutions for topics that have not even been discussed. There are times when financial discussions could get heated but if you remember to stay in a position of the decisions we make today will affect tomorrow and as well as consider the long-term consequences, you will do alright. Do not get swayed by the short-term solution (band-aid).

If you are interested in premarital financial counseling and don’t have someone local that you can talk to, contact me. We can conduct premarital financial counseling via telechat or email.