Money Talk Matters

Archive for May, 2010

If you are like me, you love those Cosby shows where the characters did the unexpected. Since last week we talked about Vanessa and Dabnis, I thought this week we could talk about Denise and Martin, because that was another doozy when I saw it for the first time.

Remember, Denise went to Africa to get it together and do for others. She didn’t want to be in college and the parents agreed to send her. She returns a week early and the parents are surprised. They are glad to see her and have plans for her to return to college but….. Take a look:

Once Elle is accepted into Harvard and she is sooo looking the part, she gets snubbed by many people due to her being “blonde”. Lo and behold in her first class, she is unprepared and the character Vivian Kenzington agrees with the instructor to kick her out. Didn’t see this coming but Vivian ends up being Warner’s fiance. Elle is sickened.

Of course the cat claws come out as soon as Vivian realizes that Warner knows Elle. At the end of the day, Warner still does not approve of Elle and thinks she is out of place at Harvard, which in turn makes her fight for her law school education.

Lesson: Brides and Grooms – be true to yourself and do not get caught up in the approval of other people or you will be setting yourself up for heartache.

The lessons in this movie did not have to do with money but instead focused more on self-esteem, relationships and knowing your mate. It is always good to have your self-esteem in check and be comfortable with who you are. Love yourself so that you can in turn love others.

Of course as I was trying to call it a night, one of my all time favorite movies was coming on – Legally Blonde. What’s a girl to do, turn in or sit up, watch it and share financial lessons on the blog. Hmmm, since you are reading this you know what I chose.

At the beginning the character Elle is expecting her boyfriend Warner to propose to her tonight. She goes with her friends and chooses a dress that she will wear. They go to dinner and he wants to discuss their future. She is sooo prepared for him to ask her and since he is going to Harvard, says his family’s expecting a lot from him and Harvard’s going to be hard.

Here comes the line, that’s why Elle, Poo bear, I think its time for us to.. she says I accept and he says break up. His bottomline is if he is going to be a senator he needs to confirm to what his family will approve of. WOW! He tells her he needs a Jackie and not like he has a choice. She walks out.

I wonder right now, how many relationships have ended because a family member did not approve. Don’t get me wrong – when many people are telling the bride or groom they should not marry a certain person – yes, they should be listening. However, when a family is degrading their son or daughter’s choice because they are not who they would choose — what I say to the son or daughter is this… you know who you love, will be with you through thick and thin regardless of easy or difficult times. You are the one that has to live with this person at the end of the day not your family. Make sure you know who you love, like and why.

Another lesson from this movie was that Elle decided that she would attempt to become the person that would go to Harvard. She studies with her sorority group for the LSATs and she gets into Harvard. Of course Warner was stunned to see her on campus.

Lesson: Be true to who you are and not try to conform to someone’s opinion of you. That will only lasts so long.

Come back tomorrow as we discuss more lessons.

Part 2 – To With This Ring.. I love it because immediately the questions from Claire and Cliff are being asked – what do we know about him.. Does he have his own apartment? Does he live alone? Claire asks Cliff what do you know?

What do you think would happen if parents asked questions of the fiance such as – Do you have any debt? What is your income? How long have you been working at your job? If you have a financial emergency, what is your method to solving it.

Watch this next part about With This Ring:

If your parents asked your fiance about his bills? His Debt? Would you still be with them. Weigh in!

I was thinking back to all those times when I watched The Cosby show and the episodes of Vanessa going to college and being engaged came to mind. Vanessa comes back from buying the bread and says she’s engaged! Take a look at this first episode:

How you share about your engagement to family and friends, sends a message. I remember too hearing from a friend about one of her friends being engaged and none of the friends liked it. Like my mother has always said, “Everybody cannot be wrong”.

My fiance has been in at least five weddings over the last sixteen months. We have been engaged and are now planning our wedding. I told her from the beginning that since we were paying for the wedding, I thought we should have a conservative yet elegant wedding that we both can remember for years to come. Yet every time we talk, I hear about this friend’s wedding and that friend’s wedding. It is getting on my last nerve. What is a groom to do?

Brides-to-be take a note, if you spend your time trying to keep up with the Joneses and you and your groom are paying for your wedding, you just may run him off. Money is one of the top causes of divorce. When he is being honest with you and sharing with you upfront that he does not want a lot of debt, listen to what he is saying. He is not saying he does not want a wedding. He is saying he does not want debt that is going to smother him and you to the point of there is stress from the beginning in the marriage.

It has been told to men from the beginning they are supposed to be the providers for their families. How can he provide for the family if you are creating uncontrollable debt and put it all off on him? Be honest with yourself about what your income is and what is his income is. There is nothing like having the ability to come back from a honeymoon and nuture your new marriage relationship without financial stress instead of coming back to a stack of bills and immediately arguing about you spent this amount.

Once the arguments start, then pointing the finger begins. Shifting the blame and no one will enjoy that. Let me let you in on a secret, when you are looking at the Joneses, you are looking from the outside and you do not know exactly what is going on in the inside. You may be reading this and saying yes, I do know what’s going on. You know what your girlfriend is saying not her husband. There is always her side, his side and THE TRUTH!

Groom: Sit down with your bride and show her the budget, what the two of you have agreed upon and what you have spent to date for the wedding expenses and what remains. Furthermore, also talk with her about what bills you are both bringing to the table outside of the wedding. Maybe the BIG PICTURE will help her to stop looking at her friends.

My fiance is in financial trouble and I am truly uncomfortable. It is making me rethink this whole wedding thing. Should I rethink it or go ahead with the marriage?

Dear Bride-to-be, if this is you here is what I have to say – pay attention to your feelings. Obviously this is a red flag for you and you do not want to sweep your feelings under the rug. Remember, money is one of the top reasons for divorce, communication is another. If you and your groom are not communicating openly about money, it is as if you are setting yourself up to fall into the statistic.

Since you know that he has some financial trouble – let me ask you this – did he tell you upfront or did you find out by accident? If he told you that he has financial trouble that is a step in the right direction. Why? Because he is not trying to hide it. Second, he wants you to know what you are getting yourself into.

The next step for you is if he told you upfront, find out exactly how much financial trouble it is. Whether it is so many thousands of dollars in debt, is he facing auto repossession, debt from a previous marriage or what. You need to know the whole picture because once you are married more than likely you will have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, I am writing to you from experience.

My husband had a bankruptcy from a previous marriage long before we got together. Several years after we were married, creditors were calling saying he owed them money. When I asked him about it, he said they were discharged in the bankruptcy. I said okay, where was the bankruptcy filed. Then I put on my legal hat and made some calls, wrote some letters and within 30 days had a copy of the discharged bankruptcy paperwork listing the creditors that were under that filing. Let the fun begin.

So find out what you need to know beforehand and be honest with yourself. Can you handle being there for him while he deals with the financial trouble or not? Also find out what his game plan is to remove the financial trouble. He should have a plan in place prior to getting married.

Let’s flip this. Maybe this is just me usually when I hear fiance’, I think of the groom. Well, hold on to your seat someone sent this one in and said, what do I do. My fiance’ is bad with money and I was planning on her being the money manager. How do I address this now?

That is just it – you address now. Talk with her about money management. Why? Because it concerns you that she is not managing her money well and whatever the consequences are – whether she has debt, collectors calling or whatever, once you are married you could be dealing with the consequences of that. Do not brush it under the rug because it could become a nightmare for you if you do not address it.

Ask her the following:

1) What does she know about managing money? Being bad at finances does not necessarily mean it is her intent to be bad. She might not be budgeting or keeping track of how her money is being spent and ends up making mistakes. Talk with her about establishing a budget.

2) Maybe this should be first, let her know that you love her and want to help her get her finances in order so that once you are married, she can be confident whether she is managing the money or you are. You want to include her in on your financial habits so that the two of you can establish a financial foundation for your marriage. Your finances will be one of openness and not financial secrets.

This should give her some level of comfort and maybe even a sigh of relief because she will know that she is not alone. Dont take it for granted that she might not have had anyone that she could talk with nor depend on and now you are here. Remember it is all in how you say it and present it to her.

I have to continue writing about fiance’s this week because there have been a lot of anonymous questions coming in. Believe me I can understand anonymous because finances are a tough, private and can be an embarrassing subject to talk with someone about. It is a subject that can change people’s lives forever based on their mindset, level of stress, urgency as well as desperation.

Let’s jump right into this: My fiance’s parents are not contributing to any of the wedding, yet they want my family and I to incorporate a lot of their expensive traditions. They did not want anything to do with the plans, but when they find out about what has been decided then they want to change things. How do I handle this?

For the brides that are dealing with the above question, BLESS your heart. You have already made decisions and more than likely have paid money towards various things that were within your budget and your parents budget. What I am about to share with you will be straight and to the point without pulling any punches.

First and foremost, whose wedding is this? Yours and your future husband. Who is paying for this wedding? Sounds like you and your parents and you are staying within the established budget. Who should be dealing with your future in-laws? Hmmm, I would say your future husband. Why? Because I am imagining that you and he talked about the wedding plans and discussed in detail what you would like to see. Now that his family is coming back after the fact, when THEY DID NOT want any part of the planning does not mean it is okay now to disrupt your wedding plans. There is already stress that comes with planning without this type of tension. Be careful not to allow anyone to try and relive their wedding through yours and turning your WEDDING DAY into something that you do not want.

Caution: Pay attention to how your fiance handles this because this can set the tone for how he will handle things once the two of you are married… if there is an issue between you, his wife and his parents. That’s a different post for another week at least.

Fiance is not helping pay for wedding and what should I do? Yes, it is 2010 and tradition is somewhat out the window. Why do I say tradition is somewhat out the window – that is because of what has happened with the economy and continues to happen. There are many brides whose parents are not in the position to pay for their wedding as it once was.

If the parents are not in the position to pay, now I have not ever known it to be where the fiance pays. Now, that does not mean that he should not contribute. I would imagine if the couple was older or even if it was not their first marriage, that the bride and groom would be the ones primarily paying for their wedding.

However, if it is a younger bride whose parents are paying or contributing– let me ask you this question and you think about it– what was the understanding with you and your fiance upon getting engaged about the wedding? Did you talk about who was going to pay for the wedding? How much did you envision being spent? Did you want a big or small wedding? When is the wedding date? When you can answer that question, then you decide how to proceed.

Granted this can be one of the best times to begin money communication because maybe you just misunderstood something. Maybe he did too. Now is the time to talk about financial plans for the wedding and you will see how the two of you communicate about money. Communication styles are important when it comes to money. No better time like the present to openly talk about what you both would like and then see if you can compromise and reach a vision you both agree on without regret.