Money Talk Matters

Archive for December, 2010

When I looked over in the next check out lane, there was my husband and our son. I said to my daughter, cover up his present. She did right away. So she stood in line with our shopping cart. Hubby and I touched base briefly and then agreed to meet up for lunch after both of us checked out.

Our son was soooo excited for his sister. He told her when you see what I got for you its going to blow you away! Now, coming from an eight year old – that made me laugh a lot. I knew what he had gotten her. Mind you, he went over the dollar amount and on this one I stretched since I felt it was truly worth it.

After lunch we had a couple of more places to hit and then we were home for the evening. It was sooo much fun and of course the twins were excited for the next day. They had saw boxes being delivered by UPS, the mailman and Fed Ex. Yet, they didn’t know which ones belonged to them and which ones were ours. Oh the fun I was having.

Needless to say that evening, there I was with all of my receipts and budget evaluating what was done with the finances that day. I was very proud of what my husband had done with his lists and dollar amounts as well as myself. When Christmas came, it felt good to know that we stuck to our game plan and didn’t move from it.

It was a great day for many reasons and one which was because it was done in CASH! That’s right. No credit card bills coming in January with huge balances or anything of that nature. I told my husband thank you and that I appreciated him working within the plan because I know that is not what he would like to do.

Lessons from the Cash Christmas:

1) Set your plan whether early or even late and stick to the plan. You (and your family) are the ones that has to live with the consequences.

2) If you are the shopper, shop within healthy financial boundaries that allow you to enjoy life knowing the bills are paid and you have money left over.

3) Create memories surrounding finances that don’t involve stress. Hmmm, there’s a refreshing idea.

4) For those with children, set the example and actions you want them to follow once they are adults.

It all started on Thursday night before Christmas. My husband and I were discussing our game plan for taking the twins shopping for each other on Christmas Eve like we had done so many years before. Each year they become more and more excited as they have decided what they believe the other one wants.

We had discussed what the amount they were allowed to spend. Then we also discussed a couple of other purchases that we needed to make. Of course, there I was with my budget in hand as we were having the “spending talk”.

The game plan was set and the lists were made with dollar amounts attached that was the target number. The next day would prove to be filled with loads of fun and surprises.

On Christmas Eve, hubby got up and went to work. He had two lists in hand and knew the goal was to get the things on the list once he was done with work and get home at a certain time. The twins were all excited about him getting home early so they could go shopping with us.

That morning, I worked on business and prepared for the afternoon outings that would come quickly. There we were at 1pm, ready to get in the car and tackle the stores. OOOH our twins know mom doesn’t like to shop, yet this day I felt it was going to be fun and I would enjoy it.

Our daughter got in the car with me and we decided that I would do the groceries. Once we were home, then husband would return with our son and pick her back up to go do the shopping for our son. Lo and behold as we are driving, our daughter says since I’m with you mom, we might as well get Cody’s gift. Well, of course that was my thought yet I didn’t want to stop her from shopping with Daddy.

I told her in that case we needed to shop for his gift prior to grocery shopping. We found exactly what she wanted to get him in the price range. She said he is going to love it. We put it in the buggy and then proceeded to get the groceries.

The store was soooooo crowded. People standing in the aisles with shopping carts and not moving. I hadn’t seen anything like this in a long time. We made our way up to a check out line and we look over in the next check out line and guess what happened…….

Tomorrow is Christmas and I have much excitement for our twins. Understand this, we give them different things all year long because they are good kids, very domestic in helping around the house without being asked and have such a loving spirit.

Earlier this week, they put up our Christmas tree for the first time. Our twins are not kids that will go into stores and say I want this, this and this. They are happy with whatever they get. They have just begun to say here is what is on my wish list and we are talking maybe 2 or 3 items. What I love love love is that these items consists of one toy and then the others are educational. Come on – make a mother proud.

I have gently had the conversation about the difference between needs and wants especially when it comes to spending money. When you start early, I believe it is easier to learn and can save a lot of heart ache in the future.

Even as big kids – adults (parents) there are things that we want. We too as adults must do it in moderation so there are no regrets when the beginning of the new year comes around. When parents struggle financially, it also affects the children. Do what you need to do for your family and move it forward.

At the beginning of the week, we started out talking about needs versus wants. When I posted a question on my Facebook fan page for Brides and Grooms Money Talk regarding knowing the difference between needs versus wants, I received a comment. The commenter said it was a great tip, yet couples avoid it because it makes them look cheap.

I thought about this and began wondering, when did knowing about your needs versus wants become a bad thing? When did it become bad to have balance when it comes to money instead of being out of order, stressed with debt and arguing with your future spouse about money?

Recommendation for brides and grooms, don’t believe the hype about not discussing money and keeping up with the Joneses or that favorite girlfriends wedding you attend in the last few months. Focus should be what do you and your future spouse need for your wedding and more importantly your marriage. The wedding is one day and should be a day you can remember.

Knowing your needs and making purchases within your financial boundaries does not make you cheap by any means. Which would you prefer to buy what you need and have extra or to overspend, have financial stress and strain over money even before you walk down the aisle, relationship affected on many levels?

You decide. As an adult be prepared for the consequences regardless of how you decide. You don’t get to point the finger at someone else.

I thought this lesson was so important that I would continue this theme throughout this week. Hmm, timely considering Christmas is coming. I knew that is what you were thinking.

Sit back and take a look:

Do you know the difference between needs and wants? Many brides and grooms are planning their wedding right now and this is a lesson that should not be missed. If brides and grooms can learn this lesson early during their engagement even before planning their wedding, this can benefit them greatly throughout their marriage.

Let’s get down to the basics and start off with definition. Need is defined as a requirement. Think back to the days of school when you were taught our basic needs are food, clothing and shelter. Elementary Watson right! Want is defined as feeling a desire for or wish for something. Classic example – someone wants to win the lottery. Doesn’t mean they will.

Brides and grooms enter their engagement with their own ideas when it comes to money long before any wedding planning even happens. Once the wedding planning begins whether thought out or planning as you go, many factors begin coming into play. What will the day of the wedding be, florists, caterers, wedding dress, how large will the bridal party be, whose paying for the wedding and even the venue. Before you know it there is this huge party planned on behalf of the bride and groom sometimes at their expense; the expense of the bride’s parents or at the expense of the bride, groom and parents.

I recommend for any bride, groom and or parent of a bride or groom that could be reading this, sit down and be honest with yourselves about your needs and your wants.
Let’s have some fun which could also be quite an eye-opener. This is for the bride and groom. May be considered old school, yet time to go back to the basics. Here is what I’d like you to do: fold the sheet of paper in half, on the top of the left hand column write the word Need and on the right hand column right want. Above both of the columns in the middle write the word Wedding.

Under the left hand column where you wrote need – write what you need for your wedding. Then under the right hand column where you wrote wants – write what you want. For some of you, you may find that your need list is quite short and has completely changed your perspective on the wedding and life as a whole. There are others who may discover that what you want may get you in trouble financially because you have been putting your wants ahead of what you need.

When it comes to money, let me encourage you to know what your needs are and invest your money in your needs instead of buying what you want and then borrowing money for your needs.

Seeking Mothers of Brides-to-Be for interviews regarding money and marriage. Whether your daughter is getting married in a few weeks, several months or even in a year, you are welcome to be interviewed.

Let’s talk financial tips you would share with your daughter or best friend’s daughter. It’s time for your voice to be heard.

Interviews will be used for podcast beginning Mid-January and those that are local (Denver), there will be an opportunity for video interview as well.

Interviews will be ongoing, get scheduled now!

If interested, send an email to drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

This morning on The View, Whoopi said I love the Wedding day, its the day after I have the problem with. That has been in my head all day because I believe there are many that fall into this category.

How many brides should we say are sooo excited about their wedding day and then when they return from the honeymoon its post-nuptial withdrawals? Planning their wedding, meeting with the wedding planner, caterers and such was fun and busy. Once they return from the honeymoon… its quiet.

I think so many are focused on the wedding, yet they forget to plan, prepare and prevent unnecessary issues when it comes to marriage. Plan how you want your marriage to unfold, prepare for merging money in order to prevent blowups regarding financial stress. Of course there is more to it than that, yet that is a place to start especially since there are a lot of financial challenges that can arise in the first year that really tear a marriage apart.

When newlyweds start out with marital debt, it makes it very hard to nurture and enjoy the relationship instead of arguing about the money and pointing the finger which more than likely will happen.

To prevent wedding day blues, talk with your soon to be spouse about what you want your marriage to look like, how you want the finances handled and what are mutual steps you can agree to take in order to prevent stress on the marriage.

The end of 2010 is just around the corner as is a bride and groom’s wedding day; therefore, let’s take a look at what made the headlines for money and marriage.

#10: At the beginning of 2010, leading article was Marriage: A Good Investment for Guys (Time Magazine). Article cited a study in 1970 that showed an unmarried man was better off financially than a married guy at that time and NOW 22% of the women make more money than their husbands. Question: Will this news bring on a mad rush of men chomping at the bit to pop the question? Observation: I wouldn’t necessarily say that marriage makes a man more successful than if he remained single. When it comes to a man or woman’s success it depends on their character, work ethic, dreams and goals as individuals.

#9: In February 2010, we were given a glimpse of what was happening in marriage via Money Matters in Marriage (Washington Post) which discussed “The State of Our Unions”. Article states according to “The State of Our Unions” annual survey by the Univ of Virginia’s National Marriage Project and the Center for Marriage and Families at the New York based Institute for American Values, W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project wrote the Great Recession that began in 2007 exposed an economic factor. Wilcox stated “the economic downturn reminds us that marriage is more than emotional relationship it is also an economic partnership and social safety net. Lesson: Money has always been a part of marriage. There are husbands and wives that have weathered the financial storms for years. Couples should enter marriage with a clear picture of what marriage and money can be instead of expecting the fairy tale.

#8: February continued to be a busy month when discussing marriage and money, which shouldn’t be a surprise considering there’s Valentines Day and National Marriage Week. Next in line was a news story titled Money and Marriage: Avoid Problems through Full Disclosure (ABC News GMA). Bottom line – ways to alleviate most money problems is to communicate, get help from a financial counselor if necessary, designate one person to manage the money and devise a strategy to pay bills on time. Lesson: Communicating about money is an ongoing conversation not a one time chat or text message.

#7: Our journey continued in February and we were met with Five Ways to save your Marriage (CNBC.com). Of course my immediate thought was COMMUNICATION. Communication was second and first was working together as a team. Lesson: Husbands and wives must realize and accept they are on the same team and not opponents.

#6: Reflecting on the top 10 news stories about money and marriage, month after month we kept hearing about the impact of the economy on people, engaged couples and businesses. One reoccurring theme I noticed was brides wedding dress deposits and bridal stores going out of business. Brides made deposits on the wedding dress of their dreams only to discover weeks and even days to prior to their wedding the bridal shops had closed down without notice. Resulted in no dress and no return of deposit.

#5: It’s never too late to talk about Finance and Romance, especially in the heat of the summer. One story that was sure to get the “home fires burning” was titled Finance and Romance: A Perfect Marriage (Forbes Woman). Short and sweet of this: Managing your finances can lead to increased romance in marriage. Lesson: Very easy to be romantic when there is no financial pressure!

#4: For those who didn’t learn the lesson about Finance and Romance could be living more of the theme from our next candidate, Your Money, What Love Joins Together, Debt can put Asunder (NY Times). Nothing like a bride’s fiancé finding about her student loan debt (amount very close to the wedding day) and calling off the engagement. Lesson: Communicate honestly about the debt and financial obligations being brought into the marriage early on in the relationship so everyone knows the truth.

#3: Debt is a four letter word when ignored can affect marriages severely resulting in divorce. Up next making the headlines was titled The Biggest Money Mistakes Couples Make (US News and World Reports). Top mistakes were not talking, combining accounts too early, sharing credit cards, real estate and other type of debt, ignoring the risk of a break-up and ignoring the marriage penalty. Lesson: Most important is to start talking (not arguing) about money issues and establishing a mutually agreed upon financial foundation that the marriage can operate. This should lead to specific and well-defined roles for husbands and wives and mutual financial goals for the marriage.

#2: I must say I had no idea this next one would even end up in the list; however upon reading the news I felt it deserved to be included. Prince William’s engagement spurs tips on mixed money marriages (USA Today). Different financial backgrounds and experiences and the one with lesser financials can get swept up in their future spouse’s lifestyle thereby creating and increasing stress. Lesson: Even though you may not be Prince William nor his fiancé, do not lose yourself or identity once you are married and give up on your dreams.

#1: This list started out taking a look at the affect of marriage on men and who would have known at the end of November, gracing the headlines would be a Study focusing on women, money and divorce (Today Show). States that 1/3 of women are better educated, in 22% of the couples, she is the primary bread winner and 38% are at risk of divorce. Lesson: For the wives that are the primary bread winner – goal should be working together for the greater good of the marriage. Treat your husband the way you want to be treated regardless of income.

Based on the stories I’ve read over 2010, I’d say we are in for more precedent setting money and marriage stories like never before. Stay tuned…..

Copyright ©2010 – Dr. Taffy Wagner, CEPF – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

Bride and Groom Money Talk© a community for brides and grooms to talk about financial questions that arise during wedding planning launches an essay contest “Financial Lessons learned during Wedding Planning”.

Until December 18, 2010, current and future brides-to-be have an opportunity to write a 250 to 300 word essay on financial lessons learned during their wedding planning (how to save on venue cost, how to compromise with the groom on certain items, etc.) and enter with the opportunity to win a $50 gift card to be used at their discretion. Bride and Groom Money Talk are looking for creativity, detailed responses full of their experience regarding financial lessons learned and how it made a difference as they are planning their wedding.

In order to be eligible:
1) You must be a resident of the United States

2) Have a valid email address

3) “Like” Bride Groom Money Talk page on Facebook.

A minimum of 25 entries required and only one per bride.

All entries must be submitted by December, 18, 2010 at midnight MST to drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com.

The winner will be chosen based on originality and creativity used from the financial lessons learned. Winner will be notified on December 20, 2010 via blog post Money Talk Matters.com and on Bride Groom Money Talk Facebook page