Money Talk Matters

Archive for the ‘Money talk budget’ Category

I had the opportunity the other night to watch Say Yes To The Dress for the first time and I cannot exactly say that I was surprised by what I saw. Since I had not seen it before I decided to sit through at least thirty minutes of the show and my husband and I talked about it.

This is a show where the bride-to-be goes to the dress shop with her family, bridesmaids, sometimes the grooms and begins the exciting task of choosing her dress. Well, this one particular episode that I was watching this young woman already knew what dress she wanted before she walked in the store because she saw it on someone that worked there and fell in love with this dress. Her budget for her dress was set at $5,000. I will reserve my comments on that one for later.

So the coordinator comes out and she speaks with her and shares with her about the dress she would like to try on this day. So this bride-to-be and coordinator go to the back and the dress is brought into the dressing room. She puts the dress on and it is absolutely stunning. She walks out where the family and friends are and they really like it as well.

Then she is told what the price of the dress is. She realizes it is over budget and the coordinator proceeds to recommend an alternative. Bride-to-be puts on the alternative dress which is nice and within her budget but she wants Dress #1. So she is now back in her regular clothes and asks to talk with her family for a few minutes.

Bride-to-be and family meet in this room and she tells them the dress is over budget and by how much. The family in turn decides they will help her pay for this dress that is 2xs over her budgeted amount. The coordinator goes to the manager of the bridal shop and say we need to help her get this dress.

When I saw this, it reminded me of when a salesman at the car dealership goes back and talks with the manager about the price. Then he comes back and says this is the lowest we can do. Same thing, the manager comes out with the coordinator and says this is the price we can give you. Mind you it still stays around 11k and she is excited.

Observation:

1) Brides – the budget is in place for a reason. The dress is going to be worn one day for a few hours.

2) I would have preferred seeing her put the additional money towards a down payment on a house or paying off existing bills. Let’s face it, more than likely one person is coming into the marriage with debt.

3) When she chose to go over budget, the family decided they would kick in. So is it her normal standard to go over budget for the things that she wants. If so, this groom is going to be in trouble fast.

4) Involving the family in financial affairs in a new marriage can present some problems. Proceed with caution.

This is definitely a loaded post. When I saw it come in, I couldn’t help but think if you want to end up headed to divorce court, sure.  Why do I say that? Let’s be honest when a son or daughter marries, they are now the husband or wife of that person and that relationship has priority in marriage. That husband and wife will have enough issues of their own that need to be handled without bringing in a parent into it.

I do not think a parent should be handling the daughter and her husband’s money. That can pose problems for the husband and wife. The father could begin talking to the daughter about the expenses without the husband and insinuating different things. Then the daughter says something to her husband in a derogatory fashion. Now, not only do you have a conflict between the husband and wife, but also the husband and the father-in-law.

I believe it is okay if the parent would like to make suggestions based on information shared with them, that is one thing. But for the parent to be managing the money of two grown adults – not such a good idea. If the husband and wife need financial guidance, then they should consult an unbiased third party that will focus on the best interest of the marriage.

Now you see why I said sure, if you want to be on the journey towards divorce. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. There is no need to add a parental relationship that focuses on the husband and wife’s money to really muddy the water and put relationships on edge. Imagine what would happen to the husband or wife? Now they are stuck in the middle and it is a no win situation either way. Think long and hard before doing this.

This was one of those mornings when couples were heavily on my mind and it was best that I write out these posts because someone is in need of guidance. It doesn’t matter if they cannot send in an email but prayerfully, they will be led to these posts.

All too often I have heard about the husband being the breadwinner and controlling the money, the wife is home with the kids has to ask for money. Then when she gets money it is very limited – when I say limited it is just enough or some have said barely enough to take care of the things she needs to do for the household.

This results in the wife becoming resentful towards the husband and he is unaware. This happens for several reasons because instead of the wife seeing him as a husband she feels as if he is a parent and she is in the role of a kid asking for money; there was not a clear discussion on finances for the household and based on the husband’s upbringing – the man bringing home the money and controlling it has led to that same pattern in his marriage which he has not focused on whether it is good or not, but continuing that pattern he saw.

Now I can assure you, if husbands knew this was happening with their wives where the perception was the wives were feeling like a child instead of an equal partner, some would change that.

Having a husband that is controlling the money and having to ask for money also leads to some financial challenges in the future. What would happen if the husband could not work? Does the wife now start working and trying to figure out how to manage the household finances? What if he became injured? WIVES wherever you are, if you are reading this and in this position, yes you are the wife and you are a woman. You need to know how to manage money in and out of marriage.

Remember, before you got married you were on your own. You do not have to lose yourself in marriage but learn how to work as a team. That means work together with the finances, including each other and not making one person feels as if they have to ask permission to have some money. That could eventually sink a relationship.

I tell you I am not a big proponent of titles because it tends to cause people’s behavior to change based on the title. When I saw this title this morning as I was doing some research, I could not resist writing. Title of this story is Tightwads, Spendthrifts – Attract, Marry and Fight.

The gentleman and his colleagues that took the survey said whether a tightwad or spendthrift, participants indicated they were unhappy about their emotional reactions toward spending money. I have always said you cannot get your emotions met by spending. It actually causes more problems and more debt.

Husbands and wives need to put their emotions aside when making financial decisions. Decisions based on happiness, sadness, madness or frustration can lead to more wrong decisions and cause division in the relationship. I encourage them all to thing big picture and not just the few minutes that they are in heat of the moment.

Engaged couples should talk about their views on finances prior to getting married as well as observing financial patterns. Those that are already married should re-evaluate financial habits that have been exhibited throughout their marriage and make adjustments where necessary.

Does not matter whether you are a tightwad or spendthrift, establish healthy financial boundaries for your marriage, communicate openly about finances and establish mutual financial goals for your marriage. This way everyone is aware of financial obligations.

Oh and before I leave this post, there is no golden rule that tightwads and spendthrifts have to fight in marriage.