Money Talk Matters

Archive for the ‘Premarital money’ Category

Are you a bride to be and as you are approaching your wedding day, afraid your financial secret will come out? Before you decide to keep your finances a secret… take a look:

Maybe it hasn’t been said before, but I am convinced money is that elephant in the room when it comes to relationships. Couples get engaged and they discuss money as it pertains to budgeting for the wedding. Yet, brides and grooms are coming to their marriage with some existing financial obligation whether it is student loan, credit card or even car loan… SOMETHING exists and not talking about it.

I’ve seen those comments that say we’ve been married only six days and are not going to make it because there is so much debt! I then think to myself the financial behavior did not occur in the last six days, you are choosing now to see it and have decided its too much.

There are also parents that are going through the stages of wedding planning with their daughters and they see how the daughter is overspending, yet they say nothing. Before you know it, some grooms call off the wedding because of the amount of debt being incurred.

Money is that elephant in the room in relationships because of FEAR. People are afraid to share their financial mistakes because they think they will be judged, the other person will leave or the other person will become angry.

Married couples don’t always communicate about money. Remember when the economy started dropping, there was a statistic that came out saying 3 out of 4 couples were arguing about money since the recession. Made me go hmmm, were they not even talking about money before.

Money is not an easy subject to bring up and YOU must start somewhere. Once you start, every time will get easier after that – the idea is to START and not let your marriage be bombarded by financial mistakes that happened prior to the marriage cause division during the marriage.

If you would like help with money and marriage communication, go to www.moneytalkmatters.com/products where you can elect to receive either premarital financial counseling or counseling.

You know it is there and needs to be discussed, yet the topic is avoided because of fear,

Money Talk Before Marriage isn’t necessary if..

1) You have decided to keep your financial secrets hidden and you can handle the consequences once the truth comes to light.

2) You want your upcoming marriage to potentially be a divorce statistic by not discussing one of the top (if not the top) cause for divorce.

3) You are so in love, your fiance has told you that he or she is not paying their bills prior to your being married and you feel secure in knowing this will change once you are married.

4) You have swapped credit reports.

5) You are aware your future spouse has other children and is not paying child support. then once you say “I Do”, the ex-wives will sue you both.

6) Your future spouse is not working and has no intention of getting a job; thereby placing you in the position of bringing in all the income, paying the bills and planning for the future.

7) When one spouse has more debt than the other and the one with no debt will be expected to pay all the bills.

You’ve talked with your girlfriends about financial issues and they have re-assured you everything will be okay despite the fact they don’t know your future spouse and what his thoughts are.

9) You prefer to learn your money lesssons On-the-job in marriage and comfortable with making mistakes.

* If you need premarital financial counseling, register at www.moneytalkmatters.com and Dr. Wagner will contact you.

Copyright ©2010 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

Brides-to-be and grooms are preparing for their wedding. One comes from a wealthy family and next thing that happens, the groom is presented with a prenuptial agreement. The parents like the groom but say to the bride, before you walk down the aisle to marry this man; we want to protect your assets and what we have left you. We are not saying you cannot marry him, BUT you must have a prenuptial agreement in place.

Is it the parent’s place to demand the son or daughter have a prenuptial agreement? Or should the son or daughter be wise enough to know to have a prenup? Or is their relationship based on love and they are not concerned about this type of agreement? Who should be using a prenup and does it set you up for divorce?

Let’s be realistic, there are some parents who will demand explicitly their son or daughter have a prenuptial agreement in place before they marry their fiancé AND they will not move from this place. They are not saying they do not love that fiancé; however, the reason behind their wanting a prenuptial agreement because some parents have accumulated wealth, are funding trusts for their children or possibly handing over interest in family business to their children and want to ensure children’s financial interests are protected.

There are also the circumstances where there are children from a previous marriage and property that should be handed down should be protected. Furthermore, it can be used to protect the future spouse from debt. Utilizing a prenuptial agreement does not say that you are planning for your marriage to end in divorce. There are different circumstances which warrant a prenup and some circumstances that do not.

As a bride or groom, if you are presented with a prenuptial agreement and you are not a professional athlete, celebrity or even if your family does not come from wealth, there are several factors you should consider before signing this document:

1) How were you presented with the prenuptial agreement? Did you receive this document within weeks of the marriage or were you given the prenuptial agreement at least several months prior to the wedding? The timing of the document can say a lot about your future spouse. Did your future spouse hope that you were so in love with him or her that you would just sign the document and not read it? Once you read the document will you discover that you get nothing? What will you think about this person that you thought you knew so well?

2) You should consult with your own lawyer to review this document in its entirety and ask if there are clauses that need to be adjusted on the basis of fairness. It is important to make sure that it is fair on behalf of the husband and the wife.

I remember a few years ago, a friend was saying she had been presented with a prenuptial agreement and it was one-sided. This friend could not reach an agreement with her future spouse when it came to the prenuptial agreement and they ended up not getting married. Understand just like that situation, you could begin to see the true person when a prenuptial agreement is involved and even moreso if it involves money. Money tends to make people behave out of character or it is their true character.

We all know that money is a hard topic to talk about. One thing is for sure, if you are presented with a prenuptial agreement the discussion is being put on the table whether you like it or not. Does that mean a prenuptial agreement is a bad thing for you? Not necessarily. There are circumstances that call for a prenuptial and there are times when people are using it unnecessarily and causing strife. Either way, it is important that brides and grooms do their research prior to signing a prenuptial agreement. I don’t advocate signing it because you know they love you without doing your due diligence. The message behind a prenuptial agreement may be the opposite of what you thought.

Recommended Reading:

Brides and grooms dealing with money matters prior to marriage:
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/11/30/engaged-couples-dealing-with-money-matters/

For more information regading prenuptial agreements, visit the link:
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-29569.html

Last week I wrote about how the Why BOTHER post came to be. Today, I want us to take it to another level. Why BOTHER because OTHERS won’t! There are friends and family that have had financial problems in their marriages, yet they won’t tell you to discuss money before marriage. As a matter of fact, they are putting on a show for you when they know behind closed doors they are arguing about money, going to bed mad and can barely discuss. There are others that believe it is not their place (let fear keep them from providing assistance) or they believe you are on top of this area.

You will read bridal magazines that only go so far as to discuss the wedding budget. You will attend bridal shows and it will be filled with vendors anxiously waiting for you to choose them over another competitor. If you take that much time reading, researching and planning for the day – WHY NOT take even more time PREPARING for a Marriage that can last a lifetime by getting life skills to maintain your marriage.

Why Bother addressing Money talk before Marriage? As a wife who came into her marriage with debt, got out of debt, dealt with buying a home, becoming a parent that has been married for more than 14 years, I AM going to BOTHER opening up this TOPIC. There is no reason why in 2010, money should be one of the top reasons for divorce with all the information, knowlege and access to resources.

Maybe you have watched relatives marriages end because of money (not that you got any of the details), or you have listened to girlfriends come and cry on your shoulder because of their spouse’s spending (believe me that was only one side of the story). Here is your opportunity to not be the one going to a girlfriend to cry on her shoulder. Instead be the example to those girlfriends, family members and even colleagues that are watching and begin talking about money today.

The next time you review your BRIDAL REGISTRY – add Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar to your registry. This is a gift that keeps on giving throughout the marriage because you can listen to it over and over, do the exercises and more. Or if you would like to get premarital financial counseling, you can contact me through this website.

I was a bride that had debt and was coming to the marriage having made financial mistakes. One thing that might be different between you and me is that my fiance and I talked about our financial mistakes and pasts prior to getting married. Did that make it easier? It did somewhat because there were no secrets going in. What was hard was sharing that I had made financial mistakes.

I knew that I could not be surprised by a phone call or getting several bills in the mail that belonged to him because we shared about our finances. Why bother sharing about money and learning how to talk about it? One good reason is because if you do not and financial secrets become revealed, trust is broken in the marriage. If you don’t get anything ELSE from this post – GET THIS trust is hard to get back once it is broken. In some marriages, it is never gotten back and they end in divorce.

Trust can be gotten back; however it is not just based on your words but also your actions. So why even put your upcoming marriage on the line by having financial secrets. It is NOT WORTH IT!

You decide – financial secrets, your looking over your shoulder, stress and marital strain because of money which leads to arguments and even going to bed mad. Furthermore, silence can become the norm in your marriage because any conversation centered around money leads to a BIG BLOW UP!

Learn how to talk about money before getting married today. I encourage you to list Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar on your bridal registry or even share with your parents that you are interested in getting premarital financial counseling and add that in your wedding budget. Getting premarital financial counseling now could very well keep you from having to borrow money from your parents later.

Take your engagement to a new level like never before.

Why bother is a comment I heard when talking with a local wedding vendor about reaching out to engaged couples about money. That came back to my memory this morning as I decided to turn up the heat on MONEY DISCUSSIONS BEFORE marriage.

Why bother learning how to read and write?
Why bother learning how to drive a car?
Why bother getting a high school education?
Why bother going to college?
Why bother applying for a job?
Why bother sizing up who you are going to date?
Why bother dreaming about your wedding day?
Why bother having a wedding planner?

Of course that vendor rubbed me wrong and I decided to run with the comment. Think about it why do you learn how to drive a car, or why do you use a wedding planner, why do you dream about the wedding day…

I understand the message has not been communicated on a LARGE SCALE that you should be focusing on Money Talk Before Getting married because everyone is thinking about the wedding dress, the party, the cake, and more. Be honest with yourself – are you prepared if one of you becomes unemployed either before the wedding or afterwards? How would you handle a spouse making financial mistakes that impact the marriage? If one of you has more debt and the other spouse has none, how do you handle it?

Those are only some of the reasons that you BOTHER talking about money before walking down the aisle and taking those VOWS. Your VOWS should not be taken lightly. It seems as if couples are not taking their vows seriously especially when it comes to For Richer or For Poorer, For Better or For Worse. They only want the good and bail out when the bad comes.

Another reason you should BOTHER is “According to a survey by the Association of Bridal Consultants, MORE THAN 67% of newlyweds believe the most serious conflict in their first year of marriage is over money!!

Do you value your upcoming marriage ENOUGH to learn how to talk about money now? If so, go to www.moneytalkmatters.com/products and INVEST in your copy of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar financial education program that you can use throughout your marriage.

Notice I said INVEST – Some of you expect to invest thousands on a dress or even for the complete wedding. What are you willing to invest to ensure you and your mate know how to communicate about money throughout the marriage instead of divorcing because of money?

I was reading about a study that was recently completed by American Express Spending & Saving Tracker survey claimed that financial issues created more tensions in their relationship than anything else. Then it went on to state, “The majority of people prefer financial independence instead of dependence on a partner”.

When couples get married it does not mean that you have to lose yourself including financially because you are married. I am not saying that either spouse should have an account where money is kept hidden from each other in case you decide you want to bail out on the marriage. The message I want to convey is this, prior to your uniting your finances was your responsibility whether you handled them good, bad or indifferent. Once you are married, those finances are still yours, good, bad or indifferent. Whether or not you and your mate choose to open joint accounts is another discussion that should be had and a decision should be made.

Should spouses have a separate account. I believe spouses should have a separate account in addition to whatever they have decided regarding joint accounts. My husband and I have a separate account that we use to pamper each other and have some extra that we can pamper ourselves that does not hinder the household finances. What does that do for the marriage? That removes stress from the marital finances because in every relationship there is a shopper and a saver. If the shopper gets out of hand and now they are unable to pay all the bills, the saver (if they are the money manager) will not be happy.

If the husband and wife also have a joint account, then they know that one person is not shouldering all the financial responsibility. There is nothing wrong with dependence within balance. Seems to me as if there are spouses (whether husband or wife) that could be losing their life and identity once they become married. There are husbands and wives that have given up jobs and stay at home for one reason or another and that does impact the marital finances.

When financial issues arise the amount of stress it places on a marriage can affect so many areas of their life – relationships, employment, credit and much more. I would encourage all couples to do what is best for them. Develop a financial plan for your marriage and work your plan, even if you have been married for numerous years. You can start today right where you are.

Ladies and Gentleman last week I spent some time watching quite a bit of court tv. WOW – what some people think. You must take a look at this episode and this ex-bride, did not stand a chance.

Segment 2 of Honey, Let’s Talk About Money discusses When Should Engaged Couples Talk About Money:

Engaged Couples you should take a look. I invite you to Share, subscribe or leave comments.