Money Talk Matters – Bride and Groom Money Talk©

My fiance is in financial trouble and I am truly uncomfortable. It is making me rethink this whole wedding thing. Should I rethink it or go ahead with the marriage?

Dear Bride-to-be, if this is you here is what I have to say – pay attention to your feelings. Obviously this is a red flag for you and you do not want to sweep your feelings under the rug. Remember, money is one of the top reasons for divorce, communication is another. If you and your groom are not communicating openly about money, it is as if you are setting yourself up to fall into the statistic.

Since you know that he has some financial trouble – let me ask you this – did he tell you upfront or did you find out by accident? If he told you that he has financial trouble that is a step in the right direction. Why? Because he is not trying to hide it. Second, he wants you to know what you are getting yourself into.

The next step for you is if he told you upfront, find out exactly how much financial trouble it is. Whether it is so many thousands of dollars in debt, is he facing auto repossession, debt from a previous marriage or what. You need to know the whole picture because once you are married more than likely you will have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, I am writing to you from experience.

My husband had a bankruptcy from a previous marriage long before we got together. Several years after we were married, creditors were calling saying he owed them money. When I asked him about it, he said they were discharged in the bankruptcy. I said okay, where was the bankruptcy filed. Then I put on my legal hat and made some calls, wrote some letters and within 30 days had a copy of the discharged bankruptcy paperwork listing the creditors that were under that filing. Let the fun begin.

So find out what you need to know beforehand and be honest with yourself. Can you handle being there for him while he deals with the financial trouble or not? Also find out what his game plan is to remove the financial trouble. He should have a plan in place prior to getting married.

I wanted to take this time and share with you that during National Marriage Week as I was faciliating Money and Marriage Teleseminars, my husband and I were celebrating 14 wonderful years of marriage. We came into our marriage with our eyes open. What do I mean by that?

We both came into our marriage with debt and disclosed that information fully to each other. We knew that we had made mistakes and did not judge each other, yet we let that catapult our relationship into a STRONG and FORMIDABLE team. How many of you have heard… A THREEFOLD CORD is NOT EASILY BROKEN! Amen!

When we talked about getting married, my mindset was I do not want to incur anymore debt for a wedding. Sure it was my first and only marriage; however knowing what I knew about the existing debt, I was not of the mind to create more. I WANTED to be OUT OF DEBT and so did he. So we agreed on a Justice of the Peace ceremony. Our family was not in town and I am not big on crowds.

We got married and paid for everything we needed in cash and were still able to continue with life. What did we do about the DEBT? We established a five year plan to pay it off that we could live with. Bless GOD – we did it in two and a half years WITHOUT filing bankruptcy, WITHOUT buying and selling houses – WE WORKED the PLAN. So when I talk to you about Money and Marriage – Telling you first hand experience.

Remember each one of us came to our marriage with debt – things that we did in our past without the other person yet we had to handle the ramifications of those choices we made separately together. What did those things include include….effects of bankruptcy, creditor calls, restoration from being homeless, not having a bank account, not being able to or comfortable talking with family about money issues, not comfortable enough to talk with anyone in our church, let alone our friends, challenges in our Faith and much more.

As we celebrated our 14 years of Marital Happiness, Love, Family and LASTING when others thought we would not make it – our twins were celebrating with us. They simply adore their example of marriage, love and happiness. We make sure and create memories for them that they will never forget. They do the same for us.

So for those of you that are engaged, newly married and married for many years, keep on pressing on and HAVE A PLAN. Even at 14 years we have plans that are short-term and long-term. We have fun making them as well as making them a reality and going beyond them.

To my Hubby, thank you my Love for who you are, whose you are and all that you are becoming. Thank you for 14 years of trials & triumphs, happy times and sad times, the ever growing TESTIMONY that our Marriage and Family is.

My readers know that I am a researcher which is such a love of mine. A couple of days ago, I wrote a post about Professional Athletes and Marital Issues and last night when I was doing some research, this article came to my attention entitled Bankruptcy filings may hit 1.4 million.  That in itself I cannot say if that surprised me because several years ago when I was a professional writer for a blogging site and I primarily wrote on mortgages and homeownership, there were sooooo many stories about the bankruptcies being filed at that time that courthouses could not even keep up.

I digress, I continued to read because this is what caught my attention: ”

Debt problems don’t stop with subprime borrowers. Celebrities who filed for bankruptcy in July included movie actor Stephen Baldwin, who sought protection from creditors after lenders began foreclosure procedures against his home. Lenny Dykstra filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in a petition that says the former Major League Baseball All-Star owes between $10 million and $50 million”.

Mismanagement of money runs the gamut and believe me debt is equal opportunity celebrity or not, professional athlete or not.  Sure, I know many of you are thinking celebrities, professional athletes should have someone managing their money – and they probably do but for some obviously it is not working.

If you have not started, begin getting your finances in order today.

Money and marriage are near and dear to my heart because this is what I live.  I am the person that came to their marriage with financial baggage and maybe different than you I did put it on the table. As a matter of fact, so did my husband. We both came to our marriage with financial baggage and we are both Christians. My husband and I are a happily married couple of 13 years that know from our own experience how to be successful at money and marriage.

When it comes to dealing with financial baggage which can be anything from  - slow pays, homelessness, debt, bankruptcy, cleaning up credit, family and money, becoming parents, job loss, spending, student loans, bad credit, business decisions affecting finances and relationships – we have experienced it.

When I say this morning, Money and Marriage is My Ministry,  it is a ministry for me that I do not take lightly. I thought back to when I was interviewed by US News and World Reports - a question she asked was does faith impact money? I had soooo much fun answering that question because it does when you are a Christian, believer.  I am here to listen, then encourage and provide solutions that work to:

• Couples that are in church whose finances are funny and they do not understand but do not think they can reach out to anyone for help because they believe they will be judged or their situation will become church staff gossip

• Couples who are embarrassed to even say we have made wrong decisions and want to get our money and marriage right. We don’t want money being a reason we get divorced.

• Individuals who are tired of making wrong financial decisions but need help in cleaning it up.  

• Anyone that want help in the area of money and marriage without judgment and condemnation. 

• The person that has fear when it comes to money.

Regardless of what you think, you can come out of financial frustration today. As far as I am concerned, Christian Marriages should be setting the example for those not of faith and encourage them to want to be a Christian. But I know that is not what has happened.   

It is time to equip Christian marriages with life skills to sustain marriages and not let them be a divorce statistic.  Let me address this – do you have to be a Christian to contact me? No, you do not and I will continue to provide you with solutions based on what I know works. 

Christian or not, when you are given solutions it will be your choice whether or not you utilize the information and move beyond financial frustation and begin the path of financial independence.

I have to tell you when I read stories like this, I think to myself negotiate your own settlements. Sure you may be nervous at first because you have never done it. But if you paid in to a company such as this to negotiate for you, the money could be tied up for a while and no negotiations occurring on your behalf.

If you are in the process of researching companies such as this, do a thorough job. Read the story below:  http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/bus/stories/062409dnbusdebtrelief.3bc5f20.html

As I was watching CNN today catching up on the news, it shared that 60% of people that filed bankruptcy did so because of medical bills. What I found interesting was most of these people had medical insurance, it was the co-pays that added up over time.

This story says to me these people circumstances got to be unmanageable and felt this was their only option. Bankruptcy should be seen an alternative solution for those with unmanageable debt but not used as a scapegoat for overspending.

I felt this needed to be shared here.

Congratulations you are with the one you love. It is safe to say you have spent a lot of time together getting to know each other. You are engaged and planning the wedding of a life time. I remember exhibiting at bridal shows and all the brides going from booth to booth with family members and friends discussing specific items. It warmed my heart as I thought about these couples preparing to open a new chapter in their life.

As you are beginning this new chapter, I would prefer that you walk down that aisle with insight versus being in the dark. Before I continue, there are some of you that might believe you are prepared and could say “I Do” right now. We are about to find out. Understand this part will be fun but there is a serious side to it. Do not discount what you write. I ask that you be honest as you answer the question.

The purpose of this exercise is to open your eyes in an area that is one of the leading causes of divorce. It is to make you truthfully look at yourself and recognize where you could need some help and be more forthcoming about your financial picture.

If you have 5 or more yes answers then you are an Asset to yourself, will be the same in your marriage and will more than likely not keep financial secrets.

If you have 5 or more no answers then you are a Liability to yourself and will be the same in your marriage if you do not take steps to become a better financially oriented person.

If you have an equal number of yes and no answers, then you are in the middle of the road. You probably would benefit from some additional unbiased guidance to ensure you enter into your marriage with a goal of financial success and not failure.

Take out a sheet of paper and number from 1 to 10. Then write Y or N beside it after you read the question.

Are You An Asset or Liability?

(1) You have talked with your fiancé about your debt? Yes or No

(2) You have always paid your bills on time? Yes or No

(3) You believe that you and your fiancé should have separate accounts once married? Yes or No

(4) You know how to talk about money during engagement? Yes or No

(5) You have managed money well as a young adult? Yes or No

(6) You are a shopper and your fiancé has no idea? Yes or No

(7) If your fiancé lost his job once married, you would stay the course? Yes or No

(8) Would you be willing to share with your fiancé what you are being paid? Yes or No

(9) You would admit to your fiancé if you had a previous bankruptcy? Yes or No

(10) If your fiancé is bringing debt to the marriage, will you still marry him? Yes or No

(11) Do you believe that financial mistakes can be forgiven? Yes or No

(12) Would you keep financial secrets from your fiancé? Yes or No

Did you wind up being an Asset or a Liability? An asset means useful or desirable thing.
When you enter into your marital relationship even in the beginning you should be an asset bringing value. Or did you wind up being a liability which means debt owed. If you are a liability, you can take positive steps to change that for yourself and your relationship.

The above questions are to help you focus on a very important part of marriage. This was an eye opener and know that The Debt CAN Stop At The Altar. This tool can help you even face the reality that you need to begin talking with your fiancé about money even if you find it painful.

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.