Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

Brides – stop read and learn. I have been getting several questions regarding fiance’s and I must say please pay attention. This question came no doubt from a bride and you need to read this answer in full.

Question: Should a fiance help with bills even if he does not live with me?

Answer: This answer is going to be quite detailed because there are several variables.

First and foremost, the fiance’ should not be obligated to help the bride-to-be pay bills if they are strictly the brides’ bills that were created even before the fiance’ came along. Now if he chooses to help, it should be his choice and not one of feeling as if he was manipulated into helping. That would be wrong.

Second, if these were bills created by the bride-to-be for the wedding that they (bride and fiance) budgeted for, then sure he should help out with the bills even if he does not live there. Another factor that comes into play with this is if they are primarily paying for their own wedding and the parents are not contributing or are making a minimal contribution to the wedding.

Third, if these are joint bills they created together what I mean by that they opened up joint credit accounts and they have charged this and that, sure he should help pay for the bills even if they do not live together. This can be a lesson in money prior to saying “I Do”. What can be learned in this lesson is what was the original agreement when it came to expenses, who would pay, etc. If the fiance helped create the debt and then decides that he does not want to help pay, I say to the bride-to-be take a long look and decide if this is what you want your marriage to be like.

If he does not voluntarily help pay before then more than likely he will not pay after you say “I Do”. Then what happens is you are going to have regrets and think of ways to get out of it.

This is a “hot topic” that I continue to see needs answering. Should parents give married “GROWN” children money. Let me say upfront there are a lot of different factors and I am going to discuss them right here. Because LIFE happens and the answer can vary. Take the time to read this and decide what applies to you or what will you do when your children are grown and married.

First situation: I think it is acceptable for parents to give grown married children money if they are in an emergent situation. It was unexpected, they are not bad money managers but an unexpected sitation has happened. Also as long as the husband and wife, both know the parents gave the money. This does happen and can happen.

Second situation: Parents are loaning their adult child money without the spouse knowing it. This is primarily when the spouse is complaining to parents about their spouse. So the parents are almost taking sides and encouraging separation in money and marriage by their actions. Do not even pretend it does not happen because it does. Parents do not insert yourself in the middle of a husband and wife financial issues. They have to learn how to talk with each other (not argue) and work out their differences. You are not in their home 24/7 and are getting one side of the story.

Third situation: Grown married children are taking advantage of their parents because they know they can. There are probably a husband and wife that are bad money managers based on their own background, then they run to mom and dad to bail them out of their financial troubles because they know they can without any remorse. This in itself makes for debt situations that can tear the marriage apart. What can also end up happening in this situation is that one set of parents become a bank and the other set of parents are almost ignored because they do not open up their wallets. Either way, all of this scenario is bad.

Caution for parents: When brides and grooms get married initially, they need to learn how to rely on each other. Not run to you to bail them out at the first sign of financial stress.

Brides and grooms: Do not go to your parents and speak negatively about yout spouse and money. Once you paint a picture of negative and uncooperation, it is hard to change it back.

Brides to be: ALERT – We all know the statistics and I am going to remind you what they are:
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

Three out of four married couples are arguing about money since the recession.

One in three marriages deal with financial infidelity

If your fiance does not pay his share of the bills that you are creating together prior to marriage, be “CAUTIOUS”. Why, let’s lay the cards on the table:

(1) Why is he not paying his share? Is it because he just does not want to?

(2) Can he not afford to? He could afford to create them with you.

(3) Is he blaming these bills on you?

This is not a time to ignore the fact that he does not want to pay his share. Is this a pattern and will this be what he does once you are married? There are clear signals that people are ignoring every day in order to walk down the aisle. Then they get divorced because of issues that arise such as money, when they did not talk about it in the first place.

Brides to be (and grooms) – pay attention to what your soon to be spouse is doing with the money prior to your getting married. Don’t just focus on the wedding plans – but look at how they are paying their own bills, are they even talking about it or being silent, what are the parents role in their bills if any and much more.

You do not want to come back from the honeymoon to discover debt beyond your imagination and have regrets. Life is to be enjoyed not dreaded.

Begin talking about money today. One way you could spark the conversation is to tell him about a financial situation that you are dealing with and see if that encourages him to open up about his own financial situation. Nothing too heavy but enough to let him know that you trust him and want to include him in decisions you are making.

Start talking before you come home to the pile of bills.

There are many married couples where one person in the marriage is taking care of the money and the other person has no knowledge of what is truly happening with the household finances. I like to say there is a group of people that are managing money in marriage as a solo effort.

Solo means one. Doing alone. The problem with the solo effort is that the person in this position can get into financial situations where decisions need to be made that affect both the husband and the wife, not just one person. Marriage is the relationship that you are in and have; money is a facet of the marriage. It is important that both husband and wife participate in the financial facet of the marriage. You cannot put all of the responsibility on one person and then disagree with the consequences of the choices they made.

This solo effort can wind up making the person dealing with money feel soooo low that they cannot make an informed and educated financial decision. Yet the other person in the marriage has no idea what is truly happening with the finances until it is almost too late. If your marriage falls into this solo effort, stop it from continuing on this dangerous path and begin talking with your spouse today.

Inclusion is better than exclusion. When spouses are excluded from certain things, it can affect the marriage on a long-term basis. Do not put your spouse in the position of not knowing. Remove the solo effort today and include them in the household finances. You will not have to bear the burden of a lack of finances, late pays on bills and more on your own.

A united effort is better and produces better results. Don’t put all of the responsibility on one spouse. It affects both of you.

Iknow reading that title many of you are already thinking of what grade you are. I want you to read this post and be honest with yourself. Only you know what your money and marriage is about. Take the time to read through and be determined this day to make a change.

Grade  A -  You and your spouse openly and honestly communicate about money in marriage weekly if not several times a week. You have mutual financial goals set and are accomplishing those goals. No one person is bearing the financial burden. You and your spouse have dealt with financial challenges and survived them together without letting the stress of the financial challenges change who you are. You have learned that your love can conquer all and you work together as a team not as opponents. There is no pointing the finger in this grade, each accepts responsibility for financial mistakes and move on to solutions. Husbands and wives in this category have discovered what works best for them joint account or separate account or a combination of both. Have taken financial classes and also helped other couples.

Grade B – You and your spouse communicate about money about twice a month. One person is managing the money and makes sure the other one is knowledgeable about the finances. The person managing the money is bearing the burden of knowing immediately about the finances and tends to stress about it before talking with the other. There have been times when the money manager has been overwhelmed with the financial challenges and managed to get it resolved without including the spouse. When the money manager is overwhelmed it is evident that the personality changes which adds more stress to the marriage. Once it is resolved, returned to natural self. Will get financial help if they feel it is necessary.

Grade C -  You and your spouse are not communicating about money until an unexpected emergency happens. Then you go into panic mode and operate out of desperation. Once the emergency is solved, you return to the same behavior of not talking about money. The person that is managing the money, pays some bills and not others hoping that the spouse does not find out. There are no mutual financial goals. One person begins to feel as if there needs are not being met due to a lack of finances. Want to get help but think you cannot afford it and that leads to more financial mistakes.

Grade D -   You and your spouse found out that one of you came into the marriage with existing debt and doesn’t like it one bit. Furthermore, that person is a shopper. The silent treatment has set in because emotions have taken over because they had a different expectation for their marriage relationship than what is actually happening. The spouse without debt is not even sure if they are going to stay. Every day they think about it while at work and dread coming home because it makes them mad. This spouse without the debt is being driven by emotions and does not even want to look at what could be a solution. This makes the marriage very stressful and could also lead to health problems.  There are thoughts of getting out of debt but embarrassment stops you.

Grade F – There is no communication on any level about money. There is no joint account  – everything is separate. Both parties place the blame on each other which leads to no resolution. They keep ending up in the vicious cycle of debt. All they see is continuous debt and say to themselves why bother, not sure if this marriage is going to last anyway. Husband and wife came to the marriage with financial baggage and things are unraveling in a fast past. While the money issues are unraveling, the husband and wife are growing father and father apart. This couple is not thinking about money and marriage issues in any way, shape or form.

This post was designed to make you evaluate your money and marriage relationship. Are you talking enough? If you would like counseling or want the financial education program I created, send me an email via drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

Are you reading this and are a bride to be or even a groom? Do you have a financial plan before you say “I Do”? The plan cannot be don’t discuss it and it will all go away. Hmmm, I wonder how many people who thought that prior to getting married are no longer married. I bet you could find some, maybe even close friends, family members or even co-workers. They may not say anything to you beforehand, but afterwards – you will get more advice than you need.

Yes, I understand completely that it is hard to talk about money. But is it harder to lose the love of your life because of financial issues that smothered the marriage to where you could no longer talk to each other? Or is it harder to be faced with losing your home because you did not speak up and get financial guidance to stop the vicious cycle of debt you were in because of a lack of knowledge? Could you literally be one phone call or email away from an answer that could turn your life around or finances around but you will not know because you are embarrassed to share that you have made financial mistakes?

At the end of the day, you are making a choice about your finances, marriage and your future. What do you want to see happen for your money and marriage? How does it happen? I can assure you, embarrassment and not taking action only causes you to remain the way you are.

This is definitely a loaded post. When I saw it come in, I couldn’t help but think if you want to end up headed to divorce court, sure.  Why do I say that? Let’s be honest when a son or daughter marries, they are now the husband or wife of that person and that relationship has priority in marriage. That husband and wife will have enough issues of their own that need to be handled without bringing in a parent into it.

I do not think a parent should be handling the daughter and her husband’s money. That can pose problems for the husband and wife. The father could begin talking to the daughter about the expenses without the husband and insinuating different things. Then the daughter says something to her husband in a derogatory fashion. Now, not only do you have a conflict between the husband and wife, but also the husband and the father-in-law.

I believe it is okay if the parent would like to make suggestions based on information shared with them, that is one thing. But for the parent to be managing the money of two grown adults – not such a good idea. If the husband and wife need financial guidance, then they should consult an unbiased third party that will focus on the best interest of the marriage.

Now you see why I said sure, if you want to be on the journey towards divorce. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. There is no need to add a parental relationship that focuses on the husband and wife’s money to really muddy the water and put relationships on edge. Imagine what would happen to the husband or wife? Now they are stuck in the middle and it is a no win situation either way. Think long and hard before doing this.

I must admit when I saw this, my heart almost sank because it saddened me and gave me cause for concern. Why? Women all over the world think they are in love with men like this and there is a lot to think about before getting even more serious. I imagine this person already knows the answer to the question: Do I continue the relationship?

The first thing that I want this writer to know is this, you cannot ignore those red flags that are coming up in your spirit. Let’s be honest. You are already questioning whether or not you should continue this relationship for several reasons:

1) The man has debt from a prior marriage and a wedding which are two separate items. Sure the wedding debt is part of it but he has other debt. Yes, I heard that and read it without your saying it.  So you are already concerned that if the two of you get serious that he will not ever have any money.

2) Sure you love him and thinks he feels the same way, but is it enough? Well, more than likely if this has not alreadyhappened, you will end up paying for the majority of your dates or extra expenditures even before you get married if the relationship were to go that far.

3) I sense that you could easily become resentful if you are the only one that is coming to the table with money. The question is if he has all this debt, is he working and what is his game plan to pay off the debt? Before you heavily consider getting married, you need to ensure that he has a realistic financial plan for cleaning up this debt (I recommend) prior to entering into another marriage.  The idea of him entering into another marriage with debt from a previous wedding sounds like toooo much pressure on a new marriage.

** Reason I say pressure is because when you think the money should be applied towards the new household (which you and he have), that money could be going towards his previous household.

4) What are the red flags saying to you? I imagine you are also not comfortable discussing this with anyone because you know what they would say. Be true to yourself. There is no reason to pretend because that only lasts so long. Furthermore, that could end up costing you more in the long run.

Ladies, before you go any further evaluate everything – your debt and his debt. What is his plan for paying off the debt which should not involve you? What is your financial plan for yourself. Money is very important and when you have a situation like this, do not avoid the discussion by any means.

Hmmm. This title came to me while I was writing a different post. Yes, this means it is for someone out there. There are many husbands and wives that throw in the marriage towel because of money challenges that present in marriage. Let me ask you a few questions:

1) Are you throwing in the towel because you are no longer willing to fight for your marriage? Marriage with two committed people does take work and it does not have to be hard like everyone says it is. People’s perception of marriage has gotten distorted based on what friends have experienced in marriage, family members in marriage, as well as co-workers. Recommendation: When it comes to your marriage, be honest with yourself – search deep down and ask yourself have you given it your best shot.

2) Can the financial issues not be repaired? Are there so many financial issues that you feel you have not options? If you feel that you have no options, did you take steps to consult with a financial counselor or advisor to get counseling on your specific situation. Or are you continuing to utilize your credit card and incur more debt thereby making the financial issues worse? Recommendation: Before you throw in the towel because you feel the financial issues cannot be repaired, be honest with yourself. What part of the financial issues that exist did you cause? They were not caused by one party – both of you are in this together. Second if the financial challenges got to be sooo difficult and you chose to move out (I didn’t say divorce) and get a place of your own, now you are incurring more bills. That did not solve the problem. As a matter of fact,  that creates a bigger financial problem for the marriage. Why? Because now you have chosen to live a separate life and incur additional debt. Question: Is that what your goal was when you decided to leave? Next question: What happens if you decide to work it out within your marriage and now you return with a new stack of bills?

  3) I cannot help but wonder, how many people entered into marriage without talking about finances. Then once they found out there was existing debt on a husband or wife’s part that was brought into the marriage, they are ready to throw in the towel. Recommendation:  Not meaning to sound harsh – this is how I see it. You have to a legal age to get married, which means you are an adult. I am sure a lot of couples had discussions prior to getting married that invooved money, yet they creatively skirted around the deeper issues that involved money that could have raised a red flag. Be honest with yourself, if you did not discuss money before and are starting to find out some not so pretty financial habits – take the time now to talk before you make any hasty, life long decisions.

Before you throw in the towel because of the pressure and stress, be honest with yourself about your role in your money and marriage.

Last time I left you with the thought of if you were depending on God or your mate when it came to finances. I also said what is causing the divorce is deeper than money. We reference money as one of the top reasons for divorce but as I said before, money in itself cannot do anything.

When couples are arguing about money, they are arguing about 1) its mishandling – overspending and impulse buying which results in not having enough to pay bills or for other necessities; 2) an individual’s value system when it comes to money. Value system meaning your beliefs about how money should be handled, who should handle the money and what takes precedence when it comes to expenditures in the household. Value system is comprised of many factors especially when it comes to money – your environment, what you saw and experienced when you were growing up regarding money, your personal handling of money good and bad. All of these factors form your value system. So when your value system is challenged you react or respond a certain way.

Value system is big – so let me put it into perspective. For example, as a person that was raised by a single parent with little to no access to money, it would be within my value system to be very cautious about money, paying bills and making sure there is some left over. So it would not “feel good” to me to buy on impulse. Now from Married Christians perspective if you know that you are to pay your bills and you spend impulsively on a want versus a need and now you cannot pay your bills – the discussion is happening in a way you might not like.

So Married Christians may be divorcing and utilizing money as the reason but it is not the reason it is their value system being challenged. They have had enough. Money issues affect more than the husband or the wife, it affects their relationship, performance at work, if they have children (them as well), household bills and more.

Before you decide to file for divorce, think things through and be honest. Think about your actions when it comes to money and marriage – 1) What role did you play in this area that you believe has failed and 2) Did you have structure when it came to finances? Begin talking it out with each other to each other about money to see what you can do to make better decisions to sustain the marriage and time invested in each other than versus throwing away this union.

CAUTION: Do not wait until you are in Divorce court to find out about each other’s financial habits.