Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

If you are like me, you love those Cosby shows where the characters did the unexpected. Since last week we talked about Vanessa and Dabnis, I thought this week we could talk about Denise and Martin, because that was another doozy when I saw it for the first time.

Remember, Denise went to Africa to get it together and do for others. She didn’t want to be in college and the parents agreed to send her. She returns a week early and the parents are surprised. They are glad to see her and have plans for her to return to college but….. Take a look:

This movie came highly recommended to me by a colleague, Mary Chatman, CEO of Creations of Love, Inc. I have to say WOW! This was not what I expected and it truly kept me on the edge of my seat.

Darin Dewitt Henson, Golden Brooks, Erica Campbell, Mel Jackson, Bishop Noel Jones, Darius McCrary, Hill Harper and Melissa De Sousa what a cast. There are so many dynamics in this movie, I am attempting to summarize it without giving too much away.

The below is a a familiar story that people might have actually heard in real life: Man meets woman when they are younger, fall in love and he asks her to marry him. She says yes under one condition that he would never leave her. Man is invovled in his church and woman feels as if she has taken a back seat to his duties at the church. Man says that she doesn’t come second, but any time she wants to plan something, he has a commitment at the Church. Woman feels unappreciated and unwanted. Woman has a great paying job and completes a top level degree, that no doubt her husband paid for. Woman is offered a job that is paying her more and her soon to be new boss make advances. Woman invites new boss to a dinner gathering and husband is late to the gathering and still meets her new boss and does not like him.

Woman goes to work the next day and complains to the new boss. What do you think happens next. What happens next, sets off a chain of events that you do not expect by a long shot. You will have to get a copy of this movie and add it to your library. It it soooo worth it.

Money Implications:

Just because one person makes more money than the other in marriage, does not mean that the one who makes less is any more less driven than the one who makes a lot of money. There will always be people who think they can come into your life and give you the world, yet in the end it is a game to them. People love the chase. Don’t fall for the trap.

Money Tip #1: Do not forget about investments spouses made in each other and the marriage.

Money Tip #2: The grass may look greaner on the other side and that new person is only using different fertilizer with a devastating result.

Money Tip #3: Do not allow illegal activity to go in your house that could result in something detrimental to your family. It is not worth it.

Observations:

Couple #1: Main Couple who is Rachel (Golden Brooks) and Clarence (Darrin Henson) were in a marriage that dealt with him paying for her higher college education, him being involved in the Church and her feeling as if she came second to the church. They had an adult son that did not want to work but was involved with some illegal activity.

Couple #2: Bruce and Charlene a very interesting couple. Bruce worked with Clarence at the Auto Shop and is a drinker. Charlene has a good job and loves her husband. Within this relationship they deal with alcoholism, pregnancy and physical abuse.

Not a couple: What is interesting you have Rachel’s friend, Monica who met her boss, Damion Marshall. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Recommendations:

(1) Do not subject yourself to physical abuse in any relationship it is not worth it. That can cost you tons of money in the long run whether it is legal fees or even therapy bills.

(2) When you are in a marriage, do not let it drive you to do anything illegal or anything that would endanger your life.

(3) Make it known if someone begins flirting with you that you are happily married. Do not even let your mind begin to go there. You cannot afford the consequences of infidelity.

(4) For those that are spiritual, when it comes to involvement in your Church and your marriage, healthy boundaries must be set here too. Families should not feel as if they are paying a heavy price because of the Church.

If you are seeking guidance in money and marriage, contact Dr. Taffy via emal at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters. com

When young men and women are preparing for marriage, they have time on their side because some of them are not getting married right away. The benefit is if they have questions or concerns about money, they can talk with their parents or their parents can refer them to a financial advisor that can assist them with talking about money as a couple.

It should be a parents responsibility to ensure that their son or daughter knows this life and marriage sustaining skill so that they can live happily ever after and not have financial issues because of the debt incurred from the wedding.

Parents should think back to when they first got married and all the things they wish someone had told them when it came to money and marriage. They can impart this knowledge to their son or daughter so they will not have to go through the same struggles the parents did but be informed on handling financial situations.

Parents love your sons and daughters and do not assume that they know how to manage money. Sure, they might have gone to college and seemed to have taken care of money while at college. Let me ask you a question: What is the amount of their student loan bill? Enough said.

Prepare your son or daughter with this valuable life and marriage sustaining skill. They will thank you for it later. You will also be glad that you did.

There was no way that I would pass up discussing this article I found this morning titled Does Money Ruin Relationships? First I want to note that this article was in the Ethipoian Review and what is being discussed is money in the United States of America the problems that surrounds it in different situations.

Clearly points out “the mega divorce settlements in the United States there was adultery involved. It looks at our athletes that were in college and then went pro signing huge contracts which leads to all kinds of money problems.” It goes on to share about with the athletes there is spousal abuse, child support and yes infidelity. Then the high priced attorney comes in for representation.

I was amazed at the detail of this article. I am not in disagreement with what is written but I want to say especially when it comes to the athletes more than likely prior to becoming a professional athlete they did not know how to manage money. Look at their background what was the environment they grew up in, did they have access to money and even how did they go to college. Then once they became a pro athlete they had people telling them what to do and some not looking out for their best interest.

I am sure just like me you have seen news report after news report where athletes once retired have money issues and it is hard to believe. Money by itself cannot do anything but the person managing or mismanaging it leads to problems that continue for quite a period of time.

This article also talks about the politicians and “spreading their oaks” it says. But somewhere in there believes that money is a part of it. Well, I have had my fill of watching politicians being exposed for their infidelity to last me a life time because I do not like what it does to the wife nor the kids (if they have any) that are now being thrust into the limelight because of the husband choosing to be with another person. The PRICE of infidelity is tooo high for people to pay.

I do not believe money ruins relationships. It is how people handle, think about, utilize, manipulate and control money that ruins relationships. What do you think?

This is one of those topics that I have heard from students firsthand when I have had exhibit booths at different events. When I saw this story in the Wall Street Journal, there was no way I was going to pass it up. The title is Students Borrow More Than Ever for College.

I completely understand why they are borrowing because they want to attain an education. However, the problem is not knowing all of the consequences of having all of these student loans. For example, I remember talking with one student and they expressed that the amount of money they spent on their education, once they got a job it would take five to ten years to pay off their student loan based on what they were making at the job they got after graduating from college.

The article shares “The ripple effects for today’s heavily indebted young people are becoming palpable. A growing body of research suggests that tough loan payments are affecting major life decisions by recent graduates, forcing them to put off traditional milestones—from buying a first home to even marriage and having children.” It is on doubt that having this huge debt looming over their future would have them putting off marriage and having children because that in itself is an expense.

Before that son or daughter who has student loans get married, I encourage you to provide them with financial skills or a financial literacy program such as Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar which teaches them how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. This program they can use on their own before they even get married.

I felt I had to include this one not just because it was one of my favorites, but as I was watching another Marriage and Money movie as I call them, it was mentioned. I thought to myself well let’s include it as well. Cannot hurt anything.

Of course it includes some of my favs which my readers are sooo used to by now – Sanaa Lathan and Omar Epps.  Let’s see if I can summarize this one without giving too much away and it makes you run out and get the movie.

Next door neighbors (Monica and Quincy) who are rivals end up becoming friends and then lovers. Both of them being competitive end up being recruited by the same college team. They of course thought that was great. Once in college – basketball does interfere with their relationship, as well as Quincy finds out his father has a family outside of his own and that really takes a toll on his mental capacity.

Monica gets an opportunity to be in the starting line up when Quincy is dealing with this family situation and because she does not have time for him, he turns to another young woman on campus. He also flaunts this in Monica’s face.  He does not end up with this young woman, nor does he end up with Monica but….. you must get the movie to find out the next turn and twist as well as the ending. This is a movie I watch everytime it comes on TV.

Money Implications:  I liked in this movie these young people stayed true to who they were.  The one implication I recommend is that regardless of your income level, it should not change you as a person.

Observation:  When it comes to love, as I always say do not be driven by emotion which can lead you to make the wrong choices. 

When Quincy was dealing with a family issue, he felt that Monica should have risked her opportunity to be in the starting lineup to listen to him vent. Honestly, at the end of the day her listening to him would not have changed what happened. I ask you would he have done the same thing for her?

I love how in the end, Monica and Quincy were true to themselves and each other.

Recommendation:  Understand that life happens and you CONTROL how you handle challenges in your life. For example if your hours were cut at your job, what is your solution? 

Do not left financial challenges get you down. Take control and manage your finances instead of you being controlled by your finances.

This movie has several of my favorites again Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan and Terrance Howard. It is always my goal not to spoil it for you if you have not seen the movie, so here is my brief recap.

Harper Stewart (Taye Diggs), who is a writer and The Best Man at the wedding of Lance (Morris Chestnut) and Mia (Monica Calhoun). The three of them went to college together. Lance was a football player and becomes  a pro player. Needless to say he lived up to the reputation of a football player being physically intimate with all the girls. Then he meets Mia and decides he needs to be with her. Harper tends to dissuade him saying she is a “good, Church going girl”. Eventually Lance and Mia do hook up and he plans on marrying her. The weekend prior to The Wedding, all of their old college friends get together in celebration of this upcoming union. Harper’s book comes out and they discover he has captured their lives in print but changed their names. He tries to say that it is fiction. Lance believes he is the only person Mia has ever slept with but according to Harper’s book secrets begin to come out… You will have to see the movie to get all the juicy details. It is a GREAT movie.

Money implications:

Once secrets are revealed, it can alter the course of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether they are salvageable or not depends on the people in the relationship. These young people set out to accomplish different professions and they did it. It did not change them and they were genuinely happy for each other.

The character Terrance Howard played tried several different things and was talented. The bottom line is he did not stop at one thing  – he kept on going. The bride-to-be was comfortable in who she was and so was the groom regardless of what anyone thought.

Nia Long’s character, Jordan was an independent business woman that had everything going on. Yet she was not in a relationship. Although while they were in college, something almost happened between her and Harper. She is very career focused which happens with many women. Once their career is at a certain point, then they think about dating and/or marriage.

Julian was a teacher and content doing that job, yet his girlfriend Shelby all the college friends did not like. Shelby was a woman that was into shopping and prestige. She wanted Julian to return to become a lawyer and he is not interested. She also was big on pouting if she did not get her way. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Observation:

One of the main secrets revealed almost caused this wedding not to happen after a lot of money had been spent. It does not matter if you are on the bride’s side or the groom’s side, if a wedding is called off after the money has been spent and you cannot get deposits back it can upset everyone. Granted if you found out something the night before that you just could not live with, then those expenses would not amount to what it could costs you later. Be true to yourself and decide what you need to do. Think about the big picture not just the short-term. CAUTION: Too many people rush into a wedding trying to save face. They are more concerned with what people are going to think about them instead of their true feelings about getting married and the person they are marrying. Do not get into the habit of trying to please people.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) Financial secrets can tear down trust in a relationship and marriage. Share your financial background upfront and if the fiance’ cannot handle it then you are better off.

2) Be comfortable in who you are. That means if you are comfortable being the homemaker then be the homemaker. If you are employed outside the home, then you are employed outside the home. Have the discussion about what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is according to how each of you see it -  not what your parents think. Talk about the respective roles and agree. If you choose not to talk about it, it can be costly in the long term.

3) Husbands and wives have to believe in each other and support them in their individual dreams as well.  At the end of the day, it does affect the household bottom line. Do not be so short-sighted that you think it is only about you. Once you said “I Do” it is no longer “ALL ABOUT YOU”.

Definitely one for the library:

Money has many roles in our lives. Yet at the same time being something that most everyone wants, it is also one thing that many have limited knowledge in how to manage. With limited knowledge people manage money by trial and error thereby causing other mistakes. Look at these statistics for example:

1 in 3 marriages deal with financial infidelity

Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

The average college students has over $20,000 in debt when they graduate.

From a survey of married couples, only 14% said that income, debts and assets should be disclosed before marriage.

These are only the beginning of statistics that are out there. Money is a tough subject that changes lives good or bad. A lot of people remain in financial stress and unhappiness because of these three words that are the toughest to say…… I NEED HELP

If you cannot say these words, you stay in financial stress and difficulty. Once you step out and say these words your life can change. I remember when I said those words – it was very hard and even made me cry but once I did it, things began to change.

Caution: Do not let pride keep you in the vicious cycle of debt.

What I thought this movie was going to be about and what it actually was about are two different things. This Tyler Perry movie is another great movie. Let me share a brief glimpse. Based on four couples that would get together every year, they had discussions about marriage, did exercises and rejuvenated their marriages per se. This year when the couples get together, many things transpired. The couple that I want to focus on is Angela and Marcus. Angela was a wife that had a lot to say and made sure that Marcus knew it. She would say to him I am the one, it was my money that started the hair salon where you work. She would say to him will you pay the mortgage, pay for the food, do something. Angela was the kind of woman that was very demeaning to her husband. It did not matter to her public or private, she did it all the time. On this weekend getaway secrets come out on the first morning and that spoiled the entire weekend for everyone. Later on Marcus has had enough and finds his voice. He reveals that it was HIS MONEY that started the salon.

Money Implications:

Clearly this movie had money and marriage implications throughout. All the couples had attended college and became exactly what they said they would. The only person that did not was Sheila. However, Sheila put everything into her husband, like so many other women have done and others continue to do. He took all of her money and left her with $87.00 . You will have to watch the movie for more on Sheila.

Money Tip #1 – Do not get so wrapped up in your profession that you forget to take time for each other. Pamper each other and have fun.

Money Tip #2 – There is no benefit to embarrassing your spouse if you paid for starting a business they always wanted. It should be joint funds anyway. When you invest in your spouse, you are investing in your relationship long-term.

Money Tip #3 – Do not talk down to your spouse and demean them.

Observations:

1) Secrets that eventually get revealed can tear down a marriage. Do not let someone have negative information on you that they would blackmail you with. Make sure there are no secrets from your spouse.

2) If you have financial secrets, it is better to get them out on the table prior to the spouse finding out in a way that you had not planned. This leads to distrust in the relationship. Know that is hard to get trust back once it is lost.

Recommendations:

1) Money and marriage do not have to be difficult. People make it difficult based on their believes, past experiences and lack of information.

2) Establish mutual financial goals for your marriage.

3) Support your spouse if he or she is an entrepreneur. Ask them about their business and offer to assist if necessary. Your being supportive of them affects their success.

This is a must see for any married couples’ movie collection. Grab your copy here:

If you need a money and marriage advocate to come and speak to your audience on money and marriage, contact Dr. Taffy at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white.  Behind her comes a building that represents her college debt that the groom does not know about.  Continue seeing her in your mind because behind that building is a car that represents her car payment. Did you know that she had a car loan that she is actually upside down on? Hmmm it’s not to late to start the “Money Talk.”

As you continue you seeing your bride trying to make it down the aisle, behind the car are several department stores where she has charged various items on her credit card. After dragging this baggage down the aisle for 25 minutes, she stands at the altar waiting to take her vows and commit to you.

If you did not realize this until now, both of you will bring money baggage and financial mistakes into your marriage. If you choose not to discuss them until after the honeymoon, it could cause for uneasiness from the start. You might want to read about Hidden Debt Revealed after the Honeymoon.

Money baggage can cause stress, division and personalities to change when the baggage gets revealed. If you are reading this and you are the bride or groom, picture your soon-to-be wife or husband standing there with all those items behind them at the altar.

Begin the Money Talk today. You can get your copy of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At Altar via the products page.