Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

Close to 42% of African American adults have never been married, and by their early 40s, 31 percent of black women have never been wives, compared with 9 percent of white women, 11 percent of Asian women and 12 percent of Hispanic women. Statistics may show those numbers, however, there is a community of African Americans all across the country encouraging others in committed relationship to celebrate the joy of marriage.

Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Whether it is a lack of money, money mismanagement or a communication breakdown about the finances, it is time to establish marriages for financial success. In honor of Black Marriage Day, Dr. Taffy Wagner, releases The Ten Commandments for Black Marriage and Money Success video.

The Ten Commandments for Black Marriage and Money Success is a compilation of couples, husband, wives sharing over 70 years of marriage experience regarding marriage and money.  Stop and watch the video below:

The Ten Commandments for Black Marriage and Money Success from Taffy Wagner on Vimeo.

Celebrate Black Marriage and Money today!

I was watching CNN a few days ago when they were discussing the NY Times Reporter’s interview with The First Family regarding their marriage and it is very evident they are in what I like to call “The Marriage Fishbowl”.

The Marriage Fishbowl is clearly where everyone is watching your every move that the husband and wife make. Did he do this? Did she do that? What was the response? How do they handle this or that? Being in the marriage fishbowl will cause your marriage to be critiqued by some, praised by others, some will remain silent in wonder, there are couples that will try to live up to your representation of marriage and much more.

With Barack and Michelle Obama, clearly based on the interview facts are facts:

1) He had not lived in the home full-time since 1996. So being in the position they are in now is a good thing. Togetherness.

2) Date night is important to them. Yet it was criticized because of how he did it a year ago.

3) Family is important to them and he makes time for his wife and daughters despite being The President.

4) It was shared that there was a very stressful time in their marriage.

Life Lessons to Accept:

1) We all have a role in our marriage. When the other spouse is not there full-time, we take care of business and do what needs to be done especially when there are children involved. You do not let things fall apart.

2) Marriage takes teamwork. Communication is very important. Not arguing but talking with cool heads.

3) Wives and husbands are to support each other in their individual and mutual goals. VISION is important and know where you are going.

4) Date night is important because it gives you time to enjoy your relationship and each other.

Money was not a topic but I want to interject. Discussing money is very important and would alleviate financial mistakes. Because that too is something that is watched when you are in “The Marriage Fishbowl”.

What do you think it takes to make a marriage work? Leave your comments.

We will discuss “The Marriage Fishbowl” again.

Yes, I am a researcher to my heart. As I was researching marriage articles this morning, I discovered this article that was in a column of USA Today titled Is secularism saving marriages? I continued to read because that title had me interested. It discusses how men and women are perceiving themselves as mutual partners which transforms marriages.

I wholeheartedly agree with that. The article seems to think that the religious community does not get that. At the end of the day, whether you are spiritual or not, your beliefs about marriage and what you would like to see happen in your marriage will guide you in your relationship.

I am proud to see more people taking premarital counseling and learning to work together. When married couples have situations, they have always had the ability to choose I thought who they sought guidance from. For some they will turn to their Pastor, others will see experts in that field and that is okay too. What matters is that the couples take action and get the guidance that they need in order to sustain their relationship.

Marriage does take work from the husband and wife. Both parties must be willing to do what it takes to make their marriage work. It is not always about being right but being able to forgive, not holding on to the past, accepting responsibility for choices made and moving forward for the benefit of the marriage. Nobody is perfect.

Well, I was reading this story this morning about many couples planning to wed in November and December. New Year, New Marriage equals New Money Woes article shares that financial issues derail many marriages. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Yes we have all seen the statistics that money is one of the top reasons for divorce, as well as knowing that three out of four married couples are arguing about money.

Let me present this to you – money in itself is not the cause of divorce. What is the cause of divorce is how money is mishandled, people not communicating about money and bills that need to be paid. I would even step out and say that it is about controlling the household finances or lack of controlling the finances. Money in itself cannot do anything without a person’s actions.

Therefore, it is imperative that couples learn how to manage money individually and throughout marriage. Let’s face it, most of us probably did not manage money well on our own prior to getting married. We brought those same limited skills into our marriages and what did we expect to happen.

Sit down and begin talking about money for the benefit of your marriage today. Talk WITH each other and not at each other. If you do not know how to start this, you can get your copy of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar. For this one it does not matter that you are already married, these same principles will work right where you are and can be used throughout the lifetime of your marriage.

Talking about money is not a one time decision – remember life happens. It is a discussion that should happen on a regular basis and often so that everyone is on the same page. There are not financial secrets and one person does not feel as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Yes it happens and it is time to stop that trend.

I am going to speak from personal experience – if couples can learn how to discuss money matters, solve financial problems together thereby keeping their marriage in tact, they can handle anything that comes there way. Money should not change husbands and wives. It is all about the couple controlling the money in stead of being controlled and changed by money.

You do not have to be like everyone else arguing about money. Set a different tone for your household and discuss money issues and SOLVE them. Complaining about them is not the answer. You have to do something different if you want a different result.

Your daughter is engaged and the wedding plans are in full force. For some of you the wedding is happening relatively soon and you continue to charge this and pay cash for that so your daughter can have the wedding of her dreams. Regardless of what the economy is doing, wedding are happening throughout the United States and worldwide.

 You want this to be a day she remembers for the rest of her life. Are you prepared to protect your wedding investment or throw your money down the drain? Think about this, we have all heard money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Do you realize that the BIGGEST marital expense of them all is divorce?

 Now that I have your attention parents, do something that is not the norm when it comes to paying for weddings. I’m talking about protecting your wedding investment and include life skills for your daughter’s marriage. When young women are getting married, their main focus is on their wedding day because they have dreamed about it for years, yet they do not think about what happens after the honeymoon.

 I have talked with different parents over the last few months in various settings and they ask me what do I do? When I share with them that I am a money and marriage advocate, I teach couples how to communicate about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. Their immediate response is, “I wish you had talked to my daughter before she got married.”

 Have you felt like this as you have watched your daughter plan the wedding and spend your money? So how do you protect your wedding investment? Give your daughter financial skills that she can utilize throughout the life of her marriage. It does not have to be intrusive nor judgmental but in essence a tool that says this is an area where most couples struggle and have limited financial knowledge. Therefore, as your parent that wants to see your marriage succeed, I am giving you this gift of financial education that will keep on giving.  Once you learn how to talk WITH your soon-to-be groom about money throughout your marriage and financial challenges you may face, you can handle anything.  

 Of course you could say, she is an adult and knows how to manage money. Are you thinking that or do you know 100% that she is a good money manager? If there is any doubt, get her Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar today which was created by Dr. Taffy Wagner, of Money Talk Matters, LLC. This financial education program can be purchased through  this site, www.MoneyTalkMatters.com .

I tell you I am not a big proponent of titles because it tends to cause people’s behavior to change based on the title. When I saw this title this morning as I was doing some research, I could not resist writing. Title of this story is Tightwads, Spendthrifts – Attract, Marry and Fight.

The gentleman and his colleagues that took the survey said whether a tightwad or spendthrift, participants indicated they were unhappy about their emotional reactions toward spending money. I have always said you cannot get your emotions met by spending. It actually causes more problems and more debt.

Husbands and wives need to put their emotions aside when making financial decisions. Decisions based on happiness, sadness, madness or frustration can lead to more wrong decisions and cause division in the relationship. I encourage them all to thing big picture and not just the few minutes that they are in heat of the moment.

Engaged couples should talk about their views on finances prior to getting married as well as observing financial patterns. Those that are already married should re-evaluate financial habits that have been exhibited throughout their marriage and make adjustments where necessary.

Does not matter whether you are a tightwad or spendthrift, establish healthy financial boundaries for your marriage, communicate openly about finances and establish mutual financial goals for your marriage. This way everyone is aware of financial obligations.

Oh and before I leave this post, there is no golden rule that tightwads and spendthrifts have to fight in marriage.

At the beginning of this week, I talked about “The Price of Infidelity” on Money Talk Matters on GLORI radio because I felt it should be addressed. I frankly got tired of reading about this or that politician who was caught being unfaithful to their spouses.

The “Price of Infidelity” does not just affect the man and woman involved, it affects the spouse(s), children – regardless of age, extended family members, residence, employment, community and more.

The “Price of Infidelity” is not a price people can actually afford. From all the different stories I have read, in my opinion it seems people are being very short-sighted when it comes to “choosing to be unfaithful”. The ramifications of infidelity are huge, can be long-term and sometimes disastrous.

I encouraged engaged couples and those soon to be married, if you are talking about money and I strongly encourage you to do so and if you find out something that you just cannot handle to walk away now. As a groom or bride-to-be, it is important that you remain true to yourself especially in knowing what you can and cannot handle.

It is better to walk down the aisle knowing you have discussed the financial background on both sides instead of being surprised by bills when you return from the honeymoon.

I love it when I find stories like this that reaffirm what I have been saying. Naturally when I found this one, I had to share this. This article talks about the 5 Costly Money Mistakes Newlyweds Make

One of the five mistakes is a lack of communication. That does not surprise me because we both know that money is still a “Taboo” subject when getting married. Even in 2009 with everything that is going on with the economy, sometimes money is not being discussed in the manner it should be.

I must admit when I read about this couple who are newly married but lived together for seven years, purchased a home after they got married stated that they realized financial decisions can be some of the toughest.

Makes me wonder what were they doing when they lived together! Were they keeping things separate and not even talking about joint finances for seven years or what do we do if this… since we are under one roof. Now, I am not advocating living together prior to marriage -what I am pulling from this article is it appears couples have not thought about married life.

A second one is a failure to plan. To me this goes without saying because when you are unprepared, financial challenges can tear down a relationship really fast, cause husbands and wives to point the finger at each other and lead to all sorts of stress in the marriage. This can happen whether you are a newlywed or married for a longer period of time.

A third one is handing over control. When it comes to managing finances for the marriage, I am a huge believer in including the person that is not the money manager. They need to be aware of all the details – how the bills are paid, when, the account numbers, the automatic deductions and more. Do not set your spouse up for financial disarray by not including them in the financial picture.

What do you think are the costly money mistakes?

If you would like to find out about upcoming teleseminars or speaking engagements, sign up below:

Let’s have some fun with truth this post. Prepare yourselves because it could hit some hard and others will read it and still not do anything.

When our car breaks down, the first thing we do is call a mechanic or take our car to a mechanic.

When we do not feel well, we go to the doctor.

When our vision is blurred or we think we are not reading clearly, we go to the eye doctor.

When we do not hear clearly, we go to an ear doctor.

When we have financial challenges and are making financial mistakes, look at what happens:

1) Because of embarrassment, we do not talk to anyone. Consequently we make even more mistakes.

2) We attempt to ignore the problem, thereby ruining our credit.

3) If in a marriage, we point the finger and blame the other spouse. Which causes anger in the relationship and causes stress.

4) Our work performance deteriorates because we are constantly thinking about our lack of money to pay the bills.

5) If you are single and have borrowed money from friends, we stay away from our friends.

6) Money problems lead to divorce in marriage because there is a communication breakdown.

7) We do not talk to anyone for fear of being judged.

Yet in every situation prior, we consult the most likely person who has the expertise to fix the problem or provide recommendations on solutions.

Why not in finances? Do you like where you are in your finances today? Or, do you want to make a change? If you want to make a change – Dr. Taffy is in the financial house and ready to help you.

You have to do something different in order to get better results. I know some of you will read this and agree with it, yet not take any action. I wish you well. But for those of you who take a stand today and say I want to make better financial decisions, get ready for your path to GREATNESS in financial achievement.

He spends, she saves. She expresses her concern when he spends and he feels that because he makes more than she does, that its okay. Then she’s left feeling as if what she has to say does not matter. Then she resorts to calling her girlfriends and fussing about her husband because he spends when they need to be saving. She loves him but sometimes he makes her sooo mad by spending money that she has already allocated to something else. When she tries to explain to him that money was for a bill – it goes in one ear and out the other. What is a wife to do?

Does the above scenario sound like you or someone you know? How long has this been going on? Clearly there is a money communication block when it comes to the husband in the scenario. More than likely when she is attempting to convey her concern about the money, she is doing it out of anger or frustration instead of a financial goal for the marriage.

Wonder what would happen if the wife went to the husband and shared a financial goal that she has for the money in their marriage. Of course, the financial goal benefits both people and is not one-sided. When she shares the goal and the steps it take to get there, the husband could see how it is mutually beneficial and the extraneous spending stop. You won’t know until you try. If you have set mutually beneficial goals for your marriage, this could be a starting place.

Tip: You won’t know until you try. Break down the communication block today.

If you are a married couple and would like to learn how to communicate with your spouse about money for the benefit of your marriage, send me an email today at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com . Let’s remove the communication block together and start you on the journey of communication openness and mutual financial goals.