Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

This post has been coming for a couple of days and I decided to write it today. I am sure the title caught your attention Planning for the Wedding and Failing at the Marriage. It means just what it says. Let’s me break it down. Many women have been dreaming about their wedding day every since they can remember. They have been able to see that day in their minds, the dress, who would be in the bridal party and so much more.

Once they become engaged, the wedding planning begins to carry out exactly what that dream is that has been in their mind for years. Reading various bridal magazines, attending bridal show after bridal show, going to bridal shops and even watching various shows.. Say Yes To The Dress and much more. Then you begin talking with girlfriends in detail about your plans and even your parents.

This day.. Your Wedding day must come off without a hitch. You are taking the time and attention to ensure this happens just as you have dreamed. For some of you that means you hire a wedding planner, for others of you that means you do it yourself and either way there are checklist invovled. You make sure all the I’s are dotted and the T’s are crossed. You WILL NOT, down right REFUSE to leave anything to chance.

The wedding day approaches and you have confidence that everything is the way you want it. Minutes after saying “I Do” comes the marriage. What have you done to plan for the marriage? We all know the statistics money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

What have you done to plan for your money and marriage? How do you handle your fiance coming into the marriage with debt and NOT paying his bills but you don’t find out until weeks after you say “I Do”.  When you were talking about the wedding expenses, you were continuing to plan for the wedding and nothing else.

What will you do if he is the money manager and does not want to have a joint account with you? If this hurts your feelings, what will you do afterwards? What if you are bringing bills into the marriage, he knows about it and has agreed to help you pay off your debt BUT wants a full accounting of your money? How will you handle that? Does he deserve to get a full accounting? Do you get offended and say I don’t want your help because you are now faced with a lack of trust on your part? Even as you are reading this, do you honestly know what financial obligations are being brought into the marriage by your future spouse? Have you talked about it? Have you seen things that are red flags but are choosing to ignore it because you want to be married?

Sure, I could go on and on because I live money and marriage every day. I know money is not a romantic or even a “warm fuzzy feeling kind of topic”. Yet, marriages are ending every day because of money issues that husbands and wives did not “TALK” (not argue) about and reach solutions. Before you plan another detail for your wedding, take the time and begin PLANNING and GETTING answers for your impending MARRIAGE.

To learn how to communicate about money in the comfort of your own home, grab your copy today of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar financial education program for engaged couples and newlyweds. Your marriage does not have to be like everyone else’s filled with financial stress and strain, being called at work with complaints from the spouse about finances and more.

Money and marriage is a private topic and embarrassing if you have made some wrong choices. That is one of the reasons this program was developed so couples could get answers in the comfort of their own home behind closed doors. Whether they do it together or one spouse listens first and then shares with the other it is a flexible program. You learn how to TALK with each other about money, how to decide who the money manager should be, recognizing shopper and saver characteristics and more.

I had to stop and write this post because it came over heavy in my spirit. Yes, I am writing this for you looking at this screen crying because finances are tearing your marriage apart and you do not know what to do. You did the best you could with what you had but it appears it was not good enough. You did not talk to your spouse about it because you did not want more stress, you were already carrying the burden.

Once things began to spiral out of control, you had no choice but to speak up and say what was happening. 

That caused stress, strife, blame and even some distance within the marriage. Is it tooo late? No, it is not to late and at this point it depends on you. Why? Because you are the one that is still managing the money that is there. The choices you are preparing to make will be crucial.

Dry your eyes and read this clearly! I know firsthand that money issues in marriage is an embarrassing and difficult situation. Furthermore it is a very private issue – I agree. Because it is private and most of us do not want anyone to know the challenges we are facing, it  leads us to fall into even more “DEBT” traps. In order to begin resolving your issues, you have to step outside of yourself and talk to someone that knows the best course of action you can take. When you have limited knowledge about finances, you continue to do what you think is best based on what you know.

Let’s be honest, you have cried in the morning when you were waking up, at noon and even as you laid your head on the pillow at night from the turmoil that was mounting inside. Today, is a new day and a new opportunity to take some action. Maybe you will continue reading this and say I cannot afford to get help. Sure you can it is a matter of choices and what do you want to see happen.

I have created for you a membership site called Marriagemoneymatters.com . Don’t let the word “membership” scare you away because it is not like you think. This site is one where no one knows you are on but you. So it is not like a forum where you can talk with others and be judged. Its affordable and will cost you less to get help then what you are paying for probably the minimum balance on one credit card.

What do you  have to lose? If you do nothing, then you continue along the path of tears morning, noon and night. If you become an Intermediate or Graduate level  member, you get access to solutions and even a one-on-one with me.  How would you like to have your own personal financial advocate that understands what you are going through and is ready to help you move from financial woes to financial health.

If you are ready to take that step today, join at www.marriagemoneymatters.com and for those that join within the next 24 hours at the Intermediate or Graduate level, I will give you 1 additional 20 minute counseling with me at no charge.

Being the money manager such as I am, there are times when you might not tell your spouse everything that is going on with the finances. Why does this happen? Well, I can think of several reasons – you do not want to add to his stress level, you think if you told him he would go off on you (not physically but verbally), you believe you can get it handled and no one needs to be the wiser.  Listen wives, for whatever reason it – do you realize you are shouldering all the burden, stress and frustration. You also could be making decisions without all of the information and your husband could be assisting you.

Has this happened to me? There were some times when I was not discussing in complete detail the money with him because I was working the plan. I told my husband give me a chance to work the plan. Now was he willing to do it? Yes, because when I have said that before it turned out to the benefit of everyone and not to anyone’s detriment. So he knows when I say I am working the plan that it will give him more freedom later to shop without scrutiny. See, in our marriage he is the shopper and not me.

Do I think we all are shoppers at some point. Yes, because I will buy up Barnes and Nobles if left to my own devices. But other than that, it is quiet when it comes to shopping from me. I  digress, when a financial issue presents itself that you did not plan on and it gets bigger and bigger, who do you turn to? When I was single and this happened, I did not turn to family, friends, nor anyone in my church. What happens then Ladies is that things spiral out of control.

Once things spiral out of control, it is almost like no turning back. Before things spiral out of control today, I am here to help you. I’m the wife who has been in debt, homeless, came back from being in debt, restored and happily married to the same man that I married when I was in debt.  Do you need someone to encourage you that you can get out debt, share with you how to talk to your husband about finances and establish a plan as well as much more… then become a member of MarriageMoneyMatters.com today which is for wives.

I will be working with you on reviewing credit reports, providing one-on-one financial counseling, holding you accountable to discussing money and marriage with your husbands and much more. Join today and get the answers in the privacy and comfort of your own home.

Three days ago I got married and I can still see it sooo clearly. There we were in our chosen venue and my husband with his tuxedo on and the groomsmen by his side. As my father walked me down the aisle, it felt like the best decision I was making. In the back of my mind, I knew everything was not right but there was no way I was going to back out of my own wedding. This was the day I had dreamt of, money had been paid and I wanted to have the wedding.

We said “I Do” and there we were pretending everything was alright for the family and friends that were attending. Here I am now three days later and we have not stopped fighting about bills. It seems like an ongoing argument that will not quit. I did not rush into my wedding and I saw different warning signs about the lack of money management on his part. He was always coming up short for different things and I just brushed it off. Of course, I thought once we were married, things would change.

Now, we are sooo stressed and fighting so much all I can think about is getting out of this marriage. It’s only been three days and I know that I do not want to go through my marriage like this. How do I move forward with this marriage or do I just end it?

Before I make recommendations on this scenario, BRIDES-TO-BE and ENGAGED couples I invite you to write in your comments. Part 2 on Tuesday.

Brides and Grooms: This morning I decided to write this post and say Don’t be blinded by love and miss the financial issues that are staring you in the face. If you are engaged to a person and you see financial issues presenting themself but you because you are so in love you do not ask questions, you are literally setting yourself up for financial conflict later.

Yes, financial conflict because there will come a time when you cannot ignore it anymore and want some answers. If you are marrying your best friend, the person that you can talk to about anything then when financial concerns enter your thoughts, take the time to stop and ask the questions.

Maybe the person does not realize they are on this course of financial destruction. Your asking the question could make them stop and say wow, I did not think that is what I was doing.  Furthermore, if you can begin communicating now about money while you are engaged it makes it that much easier to communicate about money in your marriage.

You should not wait until you have a financial challenge to discuss money. Money in marriage is an ongoing discussion not a one time and it is all good discussion. Do not set yourself up like that.

For those of you that are young and getting married, pay attention and do not think you cannot or should not ask the questions. You do not have to be a part of the “norm” that does not talk about money prior to marriage. Step outside of the box and begin talking today.

Congratulations to all the engaged couples that are dealing with money matters during the engagement! Does that sound strange? It should not because better now than later to be discussing money matters. Talking about who is going to manage the money, what are the existing debts being brought into the marriage and much more can save you from a lot of grief, headaches, nights where you go to bed upset with each other because of financial stress – believe me it is not worth it.

When you stand across the altar from the one you love, those first few months to couple of years should be spent nurturing the relationship, having fun as you learn more about each other as a husband and wife, the quirks, the habits and so much more. Coming into a marriage with debt that has not been discussed is setting the marriage up for division and a lack of trust in the marriage. Once trust is gone in the relationship, it is hard to get it back.

If you are engaged and wonder what you should be talking about, the following is a beginning point:

1) What student loans are being brought to the marriage?

2) What credit card debt is being brought to the marriage?

3) What happends when a financial emergency arises? What do each of you think would be the best way to get a financial unexpected emergency handled?

4) Who is going to be better at managing money?

By all means are these the end all of all the questions. This is a starting point. The idea is not to overwhelm and frustrate each other to a point of not wanting to discuss finances. You should talk about finances with the idea of resolving challenges and having a game plan. Financial discussions can lead to greater intimacy in a marriage.

When there are no financial problems, the fun can truly begin pampering each other just because you love one another. It does not have to be a special day – each day you spend with each other is a GREAT day.

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I love him but he has debt and that stays on my mind. If you are a bride-to-be and this is you, congratulations on recognizing a red flag. This red flag is DEBT and it bothers you that he has it. Let me ask you this question and how you answer it will be important.

Question: How did you find out about the debt?

If your answer is (1) He told me – this is good because it means that he is being honest with you about financial mistakes he has made in the past. He wants to alleviate the debt and could see how you are going to respond to the fact he said he has debt. Are you going to leave him because he has debt or are you willing to say, I understand mistakes happen and let’s develop a plan to remove the debt.

If your answer is (2) He did not tell you and you found out on your own either by going through some of his things or a family member told you, then you have to ask yourself what else is he hiding from you and why? Caution: If you were going through his things, you could have a trust issue later if he discovers this is how you found out. Did he not tell you about the debt because he truly feels bad and is afraid that you would leave him. Or did he not tell you purposely because he is thinking if I can just get her to the aisle, then once we are married I can tell her about the debt.

Or if your answer is (3) He told me he has debt and wants to break it off. Then you need to discuss in detail why he wants to break it off. You have to ask yourself what is it about the debt that bothers you? Is it because you do not have debt or is it because both of you have debt? Now is the time to put everything on the table.

Since you are aware he has debt, what does your picture look like? What is it that you would like to see for the future and both of you be honest with each other. Honesty is the best policy. Secrets lead to division, destruction and sometimes divorce. Do not let a secret establish your life’s path in your relationships.

Brides – stop read and learn. I have been getting several questions regarding fiance’s and I must say please pay attention. This question came no doubt from a bride and you need to read this answer in full.

Question: Should a fiance help with bills even if he does not live with me?

Answer: This answer is going to be quite detailed because there are several variables.

First and foremost, the fiance’ should not be obligated to help the bride-to-be pay bills if they are strictly the brides’ bills that were created even before the fiance’ came along. Now if he chooses to help, it should be his choice and not one of feeling as if he was manipulated into helping. That would be wrong.

Second, if these were bills created by the bride-to-be for the wedding that they (bride and fiance) budgeted for, then sure he should help out with the bills even if he does not live there. Another factor that comes into play with this is if they are primarily paying for their own wedding and the parents are not contributing or are making a minimal contribution to the wedding.

Third, if these are joint bills they created together what I mean by that they opened up joint credit accounts and they have charged this and that, sure he should help pay for the bills even if they do not live together. This can be a lesson in money prior to saying “I Do”. What can be learned in this lesson is what was the original agreement when it came to expenses, who would pay, etc. If the fiance helped create the debt and then decides that he does not want to help pay, I say to the bride-to-be take a long look and decide if this is what you want your marriage to be like.

If he does not voluntarily help pay before then more than likely he will not pay after you say “I Do”. Then what happens is you are going to have regrets and think of ways to get out of it.

Brides to be: ALERT – We all know the statistics and I am going to remind you what they are:
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

Three out of four married couples are arguing about money since the recession.

One in three marriages deal with financial infidelity

If your fiance does not pay his share of the bills that you are creating together prior to marriage, be “CAUTIOUS”. Why, let’s lay the cards on the table:

(1) Why is he not paying his share? Is it because he just does not want to?

(2) Can he not afford to? He could afford to create them with you.

(3) Is he blaming these bills on you?

This is not a time to ignore the fact that he does not want to pay his share. Is this a pattern and will this be what he does once you are married? There are clear signals that people are ignoring every day in order to walk down the aisle. Then they get divorced because of issues that arise such as money, when they did not talk about it in the first place.

Brides to be (and grooms) – pay attention to what your soon to be spouse is doing with the money prior to your getting married. Don’t just focus on the wedding plans – but look at how they are paying their own bills, are they even talking about it or being silent, what are the parents role in their bills if any and much more.

You do not want to come back from the honeymoon to discover debt beyond your imagination and have regrets. Life is to be enjoyed not dreaded.

Begin talking about money today. One way you could spark the conversation is to tell him about a financial situation that you are dealing with and see if that encourages him to open up about his own financial situation. Nothing too heavy but enough to let him know that you trust him and want to include him in decisions you are making.

Start talking before you come home to the pile of bills.

The topic of savers and spenders marrying continue to be a hot topic. I know firsthand that this is true even of my own marriage. I read an article a couple of days ago that was titled Why Savers and Spenders Marry . The author shares how her husband started a new job teaching in the fall and suggested he might need some new work clothes. She braced herself for a fight. To her surprise – she calls him Mr. Frugal, he agreed with her.

I know when I met my husband, he was a shopper to his heart. Believe me when I say shopper, I mean it seriously. One of the first things he asked me was to write down all of my sizes – clothes, shoes and jewelry. I must say this floored me because that had not ever happened. Mind you I did what he asked. Once we got married, he would shop for me. This was great because I HATE shopping. I love to shop for books (I am an avid reader) but not clothes. I don’t do Christmas shopping like most. I have to make my list of what I want, where it is at. Go in, purchase it and come out.

Okay, back to the post – so when we got married we agreed on a plan to clean up our debt. Within our plan we also decided to balance his spending and he agreed. So we established healthy boundaries in money management. So the shopper became conservative and saving.  I believe that in every saver and spender their is a part of the other perspective in each. It just depends on what you would purchase. Because I turn into a shopper when it comes to books, however, for anything else I am a saver.

Husbands and wives, brides and grooms  – open communciation and being honest about who you are is essential. If you are a shopper, you are a shopper. If you are a saver, you are a saver. Do not let that role cause you to live an unhappy marriage and life. Work together for common goals in the financial aspect of your marriage.