Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘debt’

Part 2 – To With This Ring.. I love it because immediately the questions from Claire and Cliff are being asked – what do we know about him.. Does he have his own apartment? Does he live alone? Claire asks Cliff what do you know?

What do you think would happen if parents asked questions of the fiance such as – Do you have any debt? What is your income? How long have you been working at your job? If you have a financial emergency, what is your method to solving it.

Watch this next part about With This Ring:

If your parents asked your fiance about his bills? His Debt? Would you still be with them. Weigh in!

My fiance is in financial trouble and I am truly uncomfortable. It is making me rethink this whole wedding thing. Should I rethink it or go ahead with the marriage?

Dear Bride-to-be, if this is you here is what I have to say – pay attention to your feelings. Obviously this is a red flag for you and you do not want to sweep your feelings under the rug. Remember, money is one of the top reasons for divorce, communication is another. If you and your groom are not communicating openly about money, it is as if you are setting yourself up to fall into the statistic.

Since you know that he has some financial trouble – let me ask you this – did he tell you upfront or did you find out by accident? If he told you that he has financial trouble that is a step in the right direction. Why? Because he is not trying to hide it. Second, he wants you to know what you are getting yourself into.

The next step for you is if he told you upfront, find out exactly how much financial trouble it is. Whether it is so many thousands of dollars in debt, is he facing auto repossession, debt from a previous marriage or what. You need to know the whole picture because once you are married more than likely you will have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, I am writing to you from experience.

My husband had a bankruptcy from a previous marriage long before we got together. Several years after we were married, creditors were calling saying he owed them money. When I asked him about it, he said they were discharged in the bankruptcy. I said okay, where was the bankruptcy filed. Then I put on my legal hat and made some calls, wrote some letters and within 30 days had a copy of the discharged bankruptcy paperwork listing the creditors that were under that filing. Let the fun begin.

So find out what you need to know beforehand and be honest with yourself. Can you handle being there for him while he deals with the financial trouble or not? Also find out what his game plan is to remove the financial trouble. He should have a plan in place prior to getting married.

Let’s flip this. Maybe this is just me usually when I hear fiance’, I think of the groom. Well, hold on to your seat someone sent this one in and said, what do I do. My fiance’ is bad with money and I was planning on her being the money manager. How do I address this now?

That is just it – you address now. Talk with her about money management. Why? Because it concerns you that she is not managing her money well and whatever the consequences are – whether she has debt, collectors calling or whatever, once you are married you could be dealing with the consequences of that. Do not brush it under the rug because it could become a nightmare for you if you do not address it.

Ask her the following:

1) What does she know about managing money? Being bad at finances does not necessarily mean it is her intent to be bad. She might not be budgeting or keeping track of how her money is being spent and ends up making mistakes. Talk with her about establishing a budget.

2) Maybe this should be first, let her know that you love her and want to help her get her finances in order so that once you are married, she can be confident whether she is managing the money or you are. You want to include her in on your financial habits so that the two of you can establish a financial foundation for your marriage. Your finances will be one of openness and not financial secrets.

This should give her some level of comfort and maybe even a sigh of relief because she will know that she is not alone. Dont take it for granted that she might not have had anyone that she could talk with nor depend on and now you are here. Remember it is all in how you say it and present it to her.

I was not going to point this one out however, as much as I tried not to post it, it kept coming up. Remember the Jilted Bride that was Awarded $150,000. Take a look.

According to the post I read, “he testified he had taken her on several trips and paid $30,000 of her debt while they were engaged. Then he found out she had even more debt so he called it off! In my opinion sounds like he dodged a life of financial frustration if she had that amount of debt and more.

When you get into the habit of paying off a future spouse’s debt even prior to getting married, this can open the door for them to create more if they are shoppers and feel as if they have been given a new lease on life. Why? Because they may believe you have a soft spot and think they can create debt and run to you to clean it up.

Whatever debt you create prior to your marriage and engagement is your responsibility to clean up. Not your future spouse! It is not written in stone anywhere they they must pay off your bills even once you are married. Your credit is individual. Brides and grooms both need to beware and pay attention to the financial obligations that exist prior to getting married.

There are many brides-to-be and grooms-to-be that are dealing with one of their future spouses being broke and they are shouldering all the bills during the engagement phase and they are sick of it. It is not only because they are shouldering all the bills, furthermore, they are the one taking care of keeping the house clean, cooking dinner and more. Incidentally, this is beginning to wear on the one that is bringing in the income.

Newsflash – If this is what is happening when you are engaged and you are not expressing your concerns and talking about it, the same will occur once you are married. Notice I said if you are not expressing your concerns – not arguing, calling each other names, walking out and leaving things unresolved. None of those behaviors solve financial shortcomings. Let’s break it down.

When you are engaged and only one of you are bringing in the income – yes initially it seems okay but it will wear off in a short matter of time. Here is what you look at: 1) Does your future spouse have the initiative to change jobs or get a job if he or she is not working; 2) Do they also have bills and you are paying his or her bills in addition to yours and are you able to do it without falling behind on your bills; 3) It sends a message when he or she is not paying her bills during the engagement phase because what will they do when an emergency or situation happens once you are married?

Let’s take it here, what would your parents say if they knew your future spouse was not paying his or her bills and you were paying everything? If you won’t tell them, what keeps you from telling them and why? My purpose here is to show you this could be a red flag because people do not change once they get married. As a matter of fact, after a period of time they get comfortable and what you put up with for a certain period of time becomes acceptable and they do not expect they should change.

You can be sick of shouldering all the bills and are you going to TALK about it? What is it that you want to see happen in your finances while you are engaged and then let’s talk about once you are married. Because normally what happens while you are engaged gets carried over into the marriage. Set the right foundation now for financial and marital happiness not discord.

This post has been coming for a couple of days and I decided to write it today. I am sure the title caught your attention Planning for the Wedding and Failing at the Marriage. It means just what it says. Let’s me break it down. Many women have been dreaming about their wedding day every since they can remember. They have been able to see that day in their minds, the dress, who would be in the bridal party and so much more.

Once they become engaged, the wedding planning begins to carry out exactly what that dream is that has been in their mind for years. Reading various bridal magazines, attending bridal show after bridal show, going to bridal shops and even watching various shows.. Say Yes To The Dress and much more. Then you begin talking with girlfriends in detail about your plans and even your parents.

This day.. Your Wedding day must come off without a hitch. You are taking the time and attention to ensure this happens just as you have dreamed. For some of you that means you hire a wedding planner, for others of you that means you do it yourself and either way there are checklist invovled. You make sure all the I’s are dotted and the T’s are crossed. You WILL NOT, down right REFUSE to leave anything to chance.

The wedding day approaches and you have confidence that everything is the way you want it. Minutes after saying “I Do” comes the marriage. What have you done to plan for the marriage? We all know the statistics money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

What have you done to plan for your money and marriage? How do you handle your fiance coming into the marriage with debt and NOT paying his bills but you don’t find out until weeks after you say “I Do”.  When you were talking about the wedding expenses, you were continuing to plan for the wedding and nothing else.

What will you do if he is the money manager and does not want to have a joint account with you? If this hurts your feelings, what will you do afterwards? What if you are bringing bills into the marriage, he knows about it and has agreed to help you pay off your debt BUT wants a full accounting of your money? How will you handle that? Does he deserve to get a full accounting? Do you get offended and say I don’t want your help because you are now faced with a lack of trust on your part? Even as you are reading this, do you honestly know what financial obligations are being brought into the marriage by your future spouse? Have you talked about it? Have you seen things that are red flags but are choosing to ignore it because you want to be married?

Sure, I could go on and on because I live money and marriage every day. I know money is not a romantic or even a “warm fuzzy feeling kind of topic”. Yet, marriages are ending every day because of money issues that husbands and wives did not “TALK” (not argue) about and reach solutions. Before you plan another detail for your wedding, take the time and begin PLANNING and GETTING answers for your impending MARRIAGE.

To learn how to communicate about money in the comfort of your own home, grab your copy today of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar financial education program for engaged couples and newlyweds. Your marriage does not have to be like everyone else’s filled with financial stress and strain, being called at work with complaints from the spouse about finances and more.

Money and marriage is a private topic and embarrassing if you have made some wrong choices. That is one of the reasons this program was developed so couples could get answers in the comfort of their own home behind closed doors. Whether they do it together or one spouse listens first and then shares with the other it is a flexible program. You learn how to TALK with each other about money, how to decide who the money manager should be, recognizing shopper and saver characteristics and more.

I had to stop and write this post because it came over heavy in my spirit. Yes, I am writing this for you looking at this screen crying because finances are tearing your marriage apart and you do not know what to do. You did the best you could with what you had but it appears it was not good enough. You did not talk to your spouse about it because you did not want more stress, you were already carrying the burden.

Once things began to spiral out of control, you had no choice but to speak up and say what was happening. 

That caused stress, strife, blame and even some distance within the marriage. Is it tooo late? No, it is not to late and at this point it depends on you. Why? Because you are the one that is still managing the money that is there. The choices you are preparing to make will be crucial.

Dry your eyes and read this clearly! I know firsthand that money issues in marriage is an embarrassing and difficult situation. Furthermore it is a very private issue – I agree. Because it is private and most of us do not want anyone to know the challenges we are facing, it  leads us to fall into even more “DEBT” traps. In order to begin resolving your issues, you have to step outside of yourself and talk to someone that knows the best course of action you can take. When you have limited knowledge about finances, you continue to do what you think is best based on what you know.

Let’s be honest, you have cried in the morning when you were waking up, at noon and even as you laid your head on the pillow at night from the turmoil that was mounting inside. Today, is a new day and a new opportunity to take some action. Maybe you will continue reading this and say I cannot afford to get help. Sure you can it is a matter of choices and what do you want to see happen.

I have created for you a membership site called Marriagemoneymatters.com . Don’t let the word “membership” scare you away because it is not like you think. This site is one where no one knows you are on but you. So it is not like a forum where you can talk with others and be judged. Its affordable and will cost you less to get help then what you are paying for probably the minimum balance on one credit card.

What do you  have to lose? If you do nothing, then you continue along the path of tears morning, noon and night. If you become an Intermediate or Graduate level  member, you get access to solutions and even a one-on-one with me.  How would you like to have your own personal financial advocate that understands what you are going through and is ready to help you move from financial woes to financial health.

If you are ready to take that step today, join at www.marriagemoneymatters.com and for those that join within the next 24 hours at the Intermediate or Graduate level, I will give you 1 additional 20 minute counseling with me at no charge.

Being the money manager such as I am, there are times when you might not tell your spouse everything that is going on with the finances. Why does this happen? Well, I can think of several reasons – you do not want to add to his stress level, you think if you told him he would go off on you (not physically but verbally), you believe you can get it handled and no one needs to be the wiser.  Listen wives, for whatever reason it – do you realize you are shouldering all the burden, stress and frustration. You also could be making decisions without all of the information and your husband could be assisting you.

Has this happened to me? There were some times when I was not discussing in complete detail the money with him because I was working the plan. I told my husband give me a chance to work the plan. Now was he willing to do it? Yes, because when I have said that before it turned out to the benefit of everyone and not to anyone’s detriment. So he knows when I say I am working the plan that it will give him more freedom later to shop without scrutiny. See, in our marriage he is the shopper and not me.

Do I think we all are shoppers at some point. Yes, because I will buy up Barnes and Nobles if left to my own devices. But other than that, it is quiet when it comes to shopping from me. I  digress, when a financial issue presents itself that you did not plan on and it gets bigger and bigger, who do you turn to? When I was single and this happened, I did not turn to family, friends, nor anyone in my church. What happens then Ladies is that things spiral out of control.

Once things spiral out of control, it is almost like no turning back. Before things spiral out of control today, I am here to help you. I’m the wife who has been in debt, homeless, came back from being in debt, restored and happily married to the same man that I married when I was in debt.  Do you need someone to encourage you that you can get out debt, share with you how to talk to your husband about finances and establish a plan as well as much more… then become a member of MarriageMoneyMatters.com today which is for wives.

I will be working with you on reviewing credit reports, providing one-on-one financial counseling, holding you accountable to discussing money and marriage with your husbands and much more. Join today and get the answers in the privacy and comfort of your own home.

Three days ago I got married and I can still see it sooo clearly. There we were in our chosen venue and my husband with his tuxedo on and the groomsmen by his side. As my father walked me down the aisle, it felt like the best decision I was making. In the back of my mind, I knew everything was not right but there was no way I was going to back out of my own wedding. This was the day I had dreamt of, money had been paid and I wanted to have the wedding.

We said “I Do” and there we were pretending everything was alright for the family and friends that were attending. Here I am now three days later and we have not stopped fighting about bills. It seems like an ongoing argument that will not quit. I did not rush into my wedding and I saw different warning signs about the lack of money management on his part. He was always coming up short for different things and I just brushed it off. Of course, I thought once we were married, things would change.

Now, we are sooo stressed and fighting so much all I can think about is getting out of this marriage. It’s only been three days and I know that I do not want to go through my marriage like this. How do I move forward with this marriage or do I just end it?

Before I make recommendations on this scenario, BRIDES-TO-BE and ENGAGED couples I invite you to write in your comments. Part 2 on Tuesday.

Brides and Grooms: This morning I decided to write this post and say Don’t be blinded by love and miss the financial issues that are staring you in the face. If you are engaged to a person and you see financial issues presenting themself but you because you are so in love you do not ask questions, you are literally setting yourself up for financial conflict later.

Yes, financial conflict because there will come a time when you cannot ignore it anymore and want some answers. If you are marrying your best friend, the person that you can talk to about anything then when financial concerns enter your thoughts, take the time to stop and ask the questions.

Maybe the person does not realize they are on this course of financial destruction. Your asking the question could make them stop and say wow, I did not think that is what I was doing.  Furthermore, if you can begin communicating now about money while you are engaged it makes it that much easier to communicate about money in your marriage.

You should not wait until you have a financial challenge to discuss money. Money in marriage is an ongoing discussion not a one time and it is all good discussion. Do not set yourself up like that.

For those of you that are young and getting married, pay attention and do not think you cannot or should not ask the questions. You do not have to be a part of the “norm” that does not talk about money prior to marriage. Step outside of the box and begin talking today.