Posts Tagged ‘divorce’
If you thought that a marriage could succeed on love alone, please rethink. Love is transitory. The mutual attraction or the infatuation that comes in the initial phase of love disappears soon. Then you know the honeymoon is over. Once money issues start, love tends to go out the window. After that what is left is the feeling that he/she is mine and I am his/hers. We have to journey together.
How a marriage changes in character after love disappears? This can occur in many ways. For example, the couple may begin regretting the marriage after the finishing of initial love phase. Or the couple may continue together as a sense of duty with each other and begin making a life together without passionate love. That needs caring for each other.
If you look back and think of marriages few decades back, most of the couples cared for each other. They called it love. It was essentially caring. A mother cares for her children because they are her responsibility and they belong to her. Similarly, partners care for each other because they got married. This kind of thought process can take the marriage last forever. The different thought processes of I want my freedom. I made a mistake. I am not happy with you. I must search for somebody better and so on leads to break-up. This thought process is I centered, where as the earlier one I described was care centered. You are mine and I must care for you.
We have to learn to respect human beings. We have to set aside our selfish desires for some time. We have to think about destruction that takes place by frequent marriage and divorce. Developing the thought of care for each other can surely help in making a marriage last longer.
I know it has been a minute since I’ve written on this blog and I have a very good reason. I recently released my ground-breaking new book, Bride and Groom Money Talk FAQ. Let’s face it money is still the top reason for divorce for many reasons. I am on a mission to make sure that money talk is one of the reasons marriages are succeeding. I believe if couples start out communicating about money during their engagement, then they will continue having those talks throughout the marriage. It won’t be uncomfortable because they haven’t done it.
Bride and Groom Money Talk FAQ answers over 70 questions for brides and grooms when it comes to money. It is has more of a conversation tone and engages the reader. It is not a book that blames anyone when it comes to money instead provides direction on how certain issues can be handled. Believe me, I know the topic of money can be overwhelming especially when there are financial challenges. Somehow people’s personalities change when there are financial issues and couples begin blaming each other instead of stopping, taking a deep breath and becoming solution oriented.
I believe one of couples biggest challenges is their problem solving skills when it comes to money. Bride and Groom Money Talk FAQ is going to help change that. Grab your copy or get it as a gift for an engaged couple you know at www.brideandgroommoneytalk.com
Several days ago there I was all excited because I was attending two networking events that night. Don’t know how I did it, but I double booked myself that night. Instead of cancelling one, I decided to make an appearance at both.
The first event was good, I made a few connections and got back in my car and raced down the road to the second one.
While I was at the second event, I saw a familiar face from an event that I attended a year prior. This time, we had an opportunity to talk more. The lady I spoke with shared about her business and recent steps at re-branding and I was shaing that I was in the process of re-branding as well.
She asked me what my business was. You know when someone asks you about your business and what you do, you are more than happy to share that elevator speech. I began sharing how I teach couples how to communicate about money before and during the marriage. Before I knew it, these words flowed from her mouth…. “My first marriage ended because of money. We didn’t talk about the money. He was spending and there were financial secrets”. She went on to say, this is a great service you are offering because there is a fear around talking about money”. I agreed with her about there being a fear when there shouldn’t be.
We parted ways and continued working the room. I have heard that comment many times from women “My first marriage ended because of money” AND they want to marry again KNOWING they will be talking about money before walking down the aisle. They have silently vowed not to let “money be a topic that is avoided again”.
Lessons for Brides and Grooms:
1) Money is one of the top causes for divorce.
2) If you see a money issue that is causing you concern, ask your fiance’ about it and don’t overlook it. Avoidance is not the key.
3) Money is a tool that is being used to pay for the wedding, caterers, florists and more, you might as well begin talking about money FOR marriage.
4) It’s good to want the wedding of your dreams AND you should also be focusing on the MARRIAGE of a lifetime with financial management skills in place to make this happen instead of haphazardly managing money.
5) There are a lot of ex-husbands and ex-wives out there that will say the marriage ended because of money (they had a breakdown in communication about money, overspending, or even a lack of money) BUT wouldn’t it be a NICE change of pace for you and your fiance to say OUR MARRIAGE is working because we learned how to communicate about money before the marriage so we could continue to communicate after saying I Do.
** Think about it how many friends or even family members do you know, whose marriages have ended because of money?
Invest in premarital financial counseling today with Dr. Taffy and begin your marriage with a solid financial foundation.
We’ve all heard that it is tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding. Should this continue to be the tradition with the affects of the economy? Let’s be real, the economy has affected everyone of all ages, married, unmarried and even divorced. Are brides and grooms holding their parents to tradition even if their parents are not in a position to pay for their wedding?
What should be done? Does the couples age matter and is a factor in whether the parents pay or not? Have the parents even said whether or not they can pay? All of these questions and more need to be thought about in this time especially when it comes to the wedding? More important than the wedding is the bride and groom’s marriage and are they equipped with life skills to survive various challenges they may face once they are married.
What if the parents are saying they can contribute only 20% towards the wedding? Should the couple be receptive or should they attempt to make their parents go over their budget? Weigh in and share your thoughts.
Claire and Cliff go to the kitchen and when they return, Denise is waiting with Martin. They immediately say we cannot say that we have been told a lot about you. Denise feels in the hot seat, however she is being quiet and letting Martin dig the hole even deeper…divorce, child..
If your fiance had this background, what would your parents say about your pending marriage?
Take a look:
My fiance is in financial trouble and I am truly uncomfortable. It is making me rethink this whole wedding thing. Should I rethink it or go ahead with the marriage?
Dear Bride-to-be, if this is you here is what I have to say – pay attention to your feelings. Obviously this is a red flag for you and you do not want to sweep your feelings under the rug. Remember, money is one of the top reasons for divorce, communication is another. If you and your groom are not communicating openly about money, it is as if you are setting yourself up to fall into the statistic.
Since you know that he has some financial trouble – let me ask you this – did he tell you upfront or did you find out by accident? If he told you that he has financial trouble that is a step in the right direction. Why? Because he is not trying to hide it. Second, he wants you to know what you are getting yourself into.
The next step for you is if he told you upfront, find out exactly how much financial trouble it is. Whether it is so many thousands of dollars in debt, is he facing auto repossession, debt from a previous marriage or what. You need to know the whole picture because once you are married more than likely you will have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, I am writing to you from experience.
My husband had a bankruptcy from a previous marriage long before we got together. Several years after we were married, creditors were calling saying he owed them money. When I asked him about it, he said they were discharged in the bankruptcy. I said okay, where was the bankruptcy filed. Then I put on my legal hat and made some calls, wrote some letters and within 30 days had a copy of the discharged bankruptcy paperwork listing the creditors that were under that filing. Let the fun begin.
So find out what you need to know beforehand and be honest with yourself. Can you handle being there for him while he deals with the financial trouble or not? Also find out what his game plan is to remove the financial trouble. He should have a plan in place prior to getting married.
It has been very busy here for the last few weeks and continues to get even busier. However, over the last few days there have been some stories that I have seen that warrant my taking a minute or two to SPEAK UP.
Just last week I read a story about a parent of triplets and how she and her husband were very happy to discover that they would be having triplets when she was pregnant. However, once the babies were here the toll it began to take on their marriage. It took so much of a toll that the parents are now divorced and they attribute their divorce to being parents of triplets. You must read that story, it tore me apart.
The children did not ask to come into this world. I feel as if you as a married adult feel as if you are ready to become a parent, be wise and know what comes with that. Whether you have one child or several there will be financial expenses. That is where planning comes in and having a financial plan at that. Parenting is not something to be taken lightly.
I don’t know what the triplets were costing these parents, but I can imagine that they are spending more money because of a divorce, child support, health benefits and more. There are a lot of expenses when it comes to divorce and as a matter of fact usually ends up costing more than the cost of the marriage. What do I recommend to the couples that are reading this: If you do not presently have any children, talk about it, talk about it some more and discuss what are the financial obligations that must be met on a monthly basis, how long would the wife work during the pregnancy, would she return to work after giving birth… those questions and a lot more should be discussed prior to your becoming a parent.
I am a parent of twins and we knew that I could have twins long before the doctors confirmed I was having twins. Several years before the twins were born, I had started a business on the side and had that income. So we were thinking long term and knew that there was the potential that I would have to come home early carrying twins. But that didn’t happen. I got to a point where I wanted to stop working because I was big and want to rest.
PLAN, TALK, Plan your finances and plan some more. It is crucial to have a game plan. Sure your finances might not be perfect, however, once you begin getting things in order, it is like a weight being lifted on the shoulders.
I love him but he has debt and that stays on my mind. If you are a bride-to-be and this is you, congratulations on recognizing a red flag. This red flag is DEBT and it bothers you that he has it. Let me ask you this question and how you answer it will be important.
Question: How did you find out about the debt?
If your answer is (1) He told me – this is good because it means that he is being honest with you about financial mistakes he has made in the past. He wants to alleviate the debt and could see how you are going to respond to the fact he said he has debt. Are you going to leave him because he has debt or are you willing to say, I understand mistakes happen and let’s develop a plan to remove the debt.
If your answer is (2) He did not tell you and you found out on your own either by going through some of his things or a family member told you, then you have to ask yourself what else is he hiding from you and why? Caution: If you were going through his things, you could have a trust issue later if he discovers this is how you found out. Did he not tell you about the debt because he truly feels bad and is afraid that you would leave him. Or did he not tell you purposely because he is thinking if I can just get her to the aisle, then once we are married I can tell her about the debt.
Or if your answer is (3) He told me he has debt and wants to break it off. Then you need to discuss in detail why he wants to break it off. You have to ask yourself what is it about the debt that bothers you? Is it because you do not have debt or is it because both of you have debt? Now is the time to put everything on the table.
Since you are aware he has debt, what does your picture look like? What is it that you would like to see for the future and both of you be honest with each other. Honesty is the best policy. Secrets lead to division, destruction and sometimes divorce. Do not let a secret establish your life’s path in your relationships.
Brides if your fiance is bad with money, now is the time to talk with him and plan for your financial foundation during your marriage. It is a GREAT thing that you are finding out this information prior to your walking down the aisle. You may be puzzled as to why! Because there are so many brides and grooms that are not even discussing money before marriage and then they become mad when they find out that the money is not right or the other person has debt.
The biggest expense of marriage is DIVORCE. While you are seeing that your fiance is bad with money, why not take steps together to correct his financial mistakes and any financial mistakes that you have made. While you are putting it out there that he is bad with money, what about you? Is your financial background spotless? If not, then I suggest you share with him as well what your financial background is so that you are starting from a place of everyone’s financial cards being on the table.
It is not fair if you do not share with him and you know in the back of your mind, you have made mistakes too. Even if you have not made mistakes, share with him how you handle money so that it can enlighten him on how you make financial decisions as well as what you base those decisions on.
After you have shared how you handle money, the two of you should look at what his plans are to clean up his financial situation. Establish goals that are achievable and realistic. He needs to be able to take some steps to correct his financial picture. That may or may not necessarily involve you. What you can do is to talk with him on a regular basis and see what progress he has made. This will let him know you are not just going to have a one time discussion and drop it. Encourage him to pursue financial relief in his own life.
This is a “hot topic” that I continue to see needs answering. Should parents give married “GROWN” children money. Let me say upfront there are a lot of different factors and I am going to discuss them right here. Because LIFE happens and the answer can vary. Take the time to read this and decide what applies to you or what will you do when your children are grown and married.
First situation: I think it is acceptable for parents to give grown married children money if they are in an emergent situation. It was unexpected, they are not bad money managers but an unexpected sitation has happened. Also as long as the husband and wife, both know the parents gave the money. This does happen and can happen.
Second situation: Parents are loaning their adult child money without the spouse knowing it. This is primarily when the spouse is complaining to parents about their spouse. So the parents are almost taking sides and encouraging separation in money and marriage by their actions. Do not even pretend it does not happen because it does. Parents do not insert yourself in the middle of a husband and wife financial issues. They have to learn how to talk with each other (not argue) and work out their differences. You are not in their home 24/7 and are getting one side of the story.
Third situation: Grown married children are taking advantage of their parents because they know they can. There are probably a husband and wife that are bad money managers based on their own background, then they run to mom and dad to bail them out of their financial troubles because they know they can without any remorse. This in itself makes for debt situations that can tear the marriage apart. What can also end up happening in this situation is that one set of parents become a bank and the other set of parents are almost ignored because they do not open up their wallets. Either way, all of this scenario is bad.
Caution for parents: When brides and grooms get married initially, they need to learn how to rely on each other. Not run to you to bail them out at the first sign of financial stress.
Brides and grooms: Do not go to your parents and speak negatively about yout spouse and money. Once you paint a picture of negative and uncooperation, it is hard to change it back.