Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Even though for many it was a holiday, I let this be a day where I caught up on a lot of things which includes blogging about Money and Marriage. I read this one article titled Money and Honey which incidentally reminds me of something I shared last week.

This article talks about setting money dates. There is a certain time to discuss money issues. It also recommends trying a free online program for three months. Review them and see which one best suits your needs.

Whether or not the couple goes to counseling is not a big deal, yet how they handle finances can set the tone for their overall marriage. Be sure and talk about finances without the emotions. You want cooler heads to prevail and not be in the complaining role without any type of solution.

If you have not read any financial books, I would recommend you consult with a financial advisor.  If you don’t know a financial advisor, asks one of your colleagues, friends of classmates to recommend someone . Word of mouth recommendations are always good. Take your  time and have financial discussions with peace and joy.

I tell you I am not a big proponent of titles because it tends to cause people’s behavior to change based on the title. When I saw this title this morning as I was doing some research, I could not resist writing. Title of this story is Tightwads, Spendthrifts – Attract, Marry and Fight.

The gentleman and his colleagues that took the survey said whether a tightwad or spendthrift, participants indicated they were unhappy about their emotional reactions toward spending money. I have always said you cannot get your emotions met by spending. It actually causes more problems and more debt.

Husbands and wives need to put their emotions aside when making financial decisions. Decisions based on happiness, sadness, madness or frustration can lead to more wrong decisions and cause division in the relationship. I encourage them all to thing big picture and not just the few minutes that they are in heat of the moment.

Engaged couples should talk about their views on finances prior to getting married as well as observing financial patterns. Those that are already married should re-evaluate financial habits that have been exhibited throughout their marriage and make adjustments where necessary.

Does not matter whether you are a tightwad or spendthrift, establish healthy financial boundaries for your marriage, communicate openly about finances and establish mutual financial goals for your marriage. This way everyone is aware of financial obligations.

Oh and before I leave this post, there is no golden rule that tightwads and spendthrifts have to fight in marriage.

I felt I had to include this one not just because it was one of my favorites, but as I was watching another Marriage and Money movie as I call them, it was mentioned. I thought to myself well let’s include it as well. Cannot hurt anything.

Of course it includes some of my favs which my readers are sooo used to by now – Sanaa Lathan and Omar Epps.  Let’s see if I can summarize this one without giving too much away and it makes you run out and get the movie.

Next door neighbors (Monica and Quincy) who are rivals end up becoming friends and then lovers. Both of them being competitive end up being recruited by the same college team. They of course thought that was great. Once in college – basketball does interfere with their relationship, as well as Quincy finds out his father has a family outside of his own and that really takes a toll on his mental capacity.

Monica gets an opportunity to be in the starting line up when Quincy is dealing with this family situation and because she does not have time for him, he turns to another young woman on campus. He also flaunts this in Monica’s face.  He does not end up with this young woman, nor does he end up with Monica but….. you must get the movie to find out the next turn and twist as well as the ending. This is a movie I watch everytime it comes on TV.

Money Implications:  I liked in this movie these young people stayed true to who they were.  The one implication I recommend is that regardless of your income level, it should not change you as a person.

Observation:  When it comes to love, as I always say do not be driven by emotion which can lead you to make the wrong choices. 

When Quincy was dealing with a family issue, he felt that Monica should have risked her opportunity to be in the starting lineup to listen to him vent. Honestly, at the end of the day her listening to him would not have changed what happened. I ask you would he have done the same thing for her?

I love how in the end, Monica and Quincy were true to themselves and each other.

Recommendation:  Understand that life happens and you CONTROL how you handle challenges in your life. For example if your hours were cut at your job, what is your solution? 

Do not left financial challenges get you down. Take control and manage your finances instead of you being controlled by your finances.

I am glad this one did not completely get by me.  About two or three weeks ago, a colleague recommended I watch this movie after reading some of my previous reviews.  Of course some of my favs were in it Sanaa Lathan, Wesley Snipes, John Amos and CCH Pounder.

Zora Banks, who is a young independent woman, a singer and teacher  moves to another city and meets construction worker, Franklin that has been doing work in her building, specifically her brownstone. Zora notices Franklin and vice versa. Franklin returns later to Zora’s brownstone and they become intimately involved prior to any background discussions.  AFTER the fact, they began to talk about some of their personal life which could be viewed as secrets that they did not share prior to becoming intimate. Then once these truths begin to reveal themselves, the relationship gets complicated. This movie deals with separation, children, pregnancy, finances, employment, job loss and more. Of course I did not want to give away too much but highly recommend you see this movie if you have not already.

Money Implications:  When you are in a relationship, do not make one person feel as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders when it comes to finances. If you do, they will eventually grow tired and could seek an escape route.

Observation:  If you are seriously involved with an individual that is separated but not divorced, you need to consider all the facts – what type of debt do they have, are they paying child support, are they working and more.

If your relationship consists of you paying all the bills, know that there is the possibility that your finances will begin to run short because you are the only one paying all the bills, paying for dates, etc. After a period of time, this might not feel as good as when you first started.

When Zora and Franklin met they both had individual dreams, however they let emotions and circumstances of life get them off track. Once she threw him out, they focused on their dreams and accomplished those goals separately.

Recommendations:

1)  Be honest about your backgrounds including finances upfront before there is physical involvement. Emotions can cloud your judgment.

2) Establish mutual financial goals for your marriage. If you are seriously dating and not married yet, pay attention to financial habits that are exhibited even in the dating stage. This could give you insight into how they will handle financial challenges during marriage.

3) If you are in a serious relationship with someone that is separated but not divorced and children are involved, you must really consider a couple of different things: a) if you ended up marrying this person could this happen to you several years down the road where they are now seeing someone else and you are at home with the kids; b) if the person is not paying child support to existing children what would happen if you had children with the person and they left you at some point in time; c) find out what their plan is regarding divorce and what do they see for the future of your relationship?

4) If your husband is a contractor or wants to start his own business, encourage him and do not tear him down. Tearing him down will not result in the bottom line being met.  Ask if there is anything you can do to help. Teamwork – partnership is essential in marriage.

Everywhere you turn, managing money in marriage is a hot topic. It is no longer a subject that can be ignored. It such a blessing to be a money and marriage advocate that champions the cause of GREAT money and marriages that are successful.

I read an article in the Jamaica Observer this morning about Managing Money in Marriage where this person is frustrated with her husband because he spends a lot. Although they agreed to stick to a budget, he still spends. That is happening every day in someone’s marriage.

To the wife that is reading this, before you blame him – you know that he is a shopper. So you cannot fault him for his spending even though he agreed to save. Let’s face it he has done this before, this was not the first time. So before you blow up and get all upset and begin spending out of emotions, why don’t you sit down with him and re-evaluate your financial plan.

The idea is to be flexible in finances with your financial plan instead of stringent and not allowing any freedoms. If you are too stringent, then you will have frustrations with every expenditure that you did not count on. Relax a little bit.

Make sure that you take the time to discuss all the household bills and your income. This gives each person a picture of what needs to be done when it comes to the money. Work together for your money and marriage not against it.

Think about these statistics:
3 out of 4 married couples argue about money
Money is one of the top causes of divorce
7 out of 10 couples say that money causes stress in the relationship
Cheating with money occurs in 1 out of 3 marriages

If you are planning to walk down the aisle and have not talked about money yet – congratulations, you still have time. With money being a main component when it comes to marriage, it is time you begin talking about this very crucial subject for the life of your marriage.

As you are reading this, I bet you can list at least three or four married couples that are having difficulty because of finances. How do I know? Because one party of this marriage is talking to you about their financial difficulties instead of talking to their spouse. Hold on, it happens to many people. Why? Because money is one of those subjects that brings with it a lot of fear, disappointment, judgment per se and also anger. Those characteristics are brought on by people though. Money in itself cannot do that. How people think about money and their experiences causes these emotions which leads to reactions!

As you are preparing to get married, remember these couples and begin talking with your future spouse now about money? Trust me this is not going to all happen in one night. Money Talk in a marriage lasts a lifetime it is not a one time occurrence. So you can start slow. The idea is TO START. For those of you that are asking how do I even start, let me say you can start by saying to your future spouse I would like to share with you about financial obligations that I have and will be bringing into the marriage. This way you know what you are getting yourself into. Don’t make it all about the spouse. Take the reigns and you start by opening up about your money management behavior.

Take it from a happily married wife of 13 years, it might be difficult in the beginning, but your soon-to-be spouse will GREATLY appreciate your honesty and this will build even more trust. You didn’t try to hide it.

If you need help in learning financial skills, have I got just the course for you. The Wedding Bailout is an ecourse that will come to your email each morning and teach you how to begin the talk. It will make you think and take you to the next step without pointing the finger. For those that get this course, you will also receive – Bride’s Guide When The Sky is Knot the Limit which helps you plan your wedding. The Bride’s Guide was written by Creations of Love a romantic decorating firm.

Have you met “The One” and know that you will be together forever? You have a great time with this person, can talk about anything and even see yourselves together for the long haul but one thing is standing in your way….
The other person has OVERWHELMING DEBT and you cannot put it out of your mind!

Let me say upfront, I applaud you for paying attention and being honest about how this makes you feel. You realize that money is not a subject that should be swept under the rug as if it doesn’t exist. Now the idea is that you are not saying it changes your love for the person. What you are saying is that you and this person should talk about what are their plans for paying off this debt, how long is it going to take and what steps have they already put in place?

Getting married is serious business because it is not a fairly tale or a tv show. It takes two committed people that are choosing to love each other and not based on emotion. That understand life has ups and downs, yet they are agreeing to weather the ups and downs, allow each other to grow and become the magnificent person that is inside and can conquer the world together. People that take their vows seriously and not lightly.

If you are aware that your soon-to-be spouse has debt and you are not sure how to begin the conversation, I invite you to get “The Wedding Bailout” today at www.moneytalkmatters.com/the-wedding-bailout which will guide you in the comfort of your to begin talking about money in a non-threatening and light-hearted fashion. After you purchase “The Wedding Bailout”, at the end of this e-course you will receive “Bride’s Guide When The Sky is Knot The Limit” which was developed by Creations of Love, Inc. to assist you in planning your wedding on a budget.

He spends, she saves or is it she saves and he spends? Regardless of which way, it is the shopper and saver roles in marriage can and have caused conflict. Conflict because when the husband and wife should be saving, the other person is spending. This sends the wrong message and causes conflict. The saver is hurt because they feel as if the spender is disregarding the overall household finances and doing what they want to do without  focusing on the short and long-term consequences.

The spender knows they want it now and that is all that matters. Question: Did the saver include the spender when establishing the household financial budget and how the bills are to be paid? Does the saver (could also be the money manager) explain how the overall finances work? Do not misunderstand I am not saying it is the saver’s fault. I am saying instead of having the saver and spender financial tug of war, sit down and start talking about money for the benefit of the marriage.

There are savers that are being hurt because they feel they are not being listened to when it comes to paying the bills. They see money continuously being spent when it should be saved or used for bills. Then they come up short for bills. Emotions began to come in and words are said that can hurt, emotional spending can occur and create more bills.

If you are the spender, before you purchase that next item that you HAVE to have (sounds like a want) ask yourself, is it worth it? If you waited until next week, would you still have to HAVE it or would you  have moved on to something else? Take 24 to 48 hours to think about it.

No longer be in a tug of war but rather on the same side.

Tip: The saver does also need to relax sometimes and splurge within bounds. Meaning where it will not affect the overall household finances.

Oooh Happy Day. This morning I was doing some reading and came across this story titled, Don’t let mere money mangle your marriage. I want to highlight several things this article shares that I’ve been saying. Oh yea, that makes me happy.

1) In the present climate, we cannot afford to be complacent about what little money we have left. My response: It is not the time to avoid talking about money but addressing it head on.

2) Shares how this couple in this article failed to even realise that what they thought was a logical decision was in fact being propelled by emotions that they weren’t consciously aware of. My response: Emotions cause you to assume, react out of whatever the pain is that you are feeling. Remember the post on Emotional Spending Part 1

3) Our attitude to money says a lot about our upbringing. Our desires, what we think we deserve, what our parents did, all play a great part in how we cope with managing finances. My response: I felt like they were reading some of my material. HaHa. This goes back to mindset which I taught about this week on GLORI radio and how it is a fixed mental attitude. That applies to money as well. Your mindset regarding money is in place based on parents, environment, etc.

If you are a married couple and want to begin addressing the financial challenges you are facing, I recommend you take the Money Talk Matters in Marriage Course that begins on June 22, 2009. During the time frame of this course from June 22, 2009 until July 20, 2009 – you have the opportunity to write me personally and get answers for your specific situation.

Over the last few days, I have posted some Money and Marriage tips that have focused on emotional spending. The tips are below:

Money and marriage tip: Emotional spending creates more bills. It’s not worth it.

Money and marriage tip: Do not spend money to get your emotional needs met.

These tips got responses from different followers in cyberspace. Then I began thinking about previous times when I had given seminars and wives said they were hurt by their husbands spending. I’ve also heard from husbands that said wives were spending. Furthermore when they mentioned it arguments ensued.

This led me to write this post not in complete detail but as a starting point to begin some dialogue. At the end of the day, we need to get down to the root cause. The definition of emotions (according to Dictionary.com) is something that causes such a reaction. Emotion is happy, sad, joy, angry, fear, hate, disgust, etc.

Spending is to pay out, dispose of money. Okay so let’s tie it altogether. Emotional spending is disposing money because you are happy, sad, joyful, angry, hateful or disgusted.

SO your goal in emotional spending is to dispose of money because you are
mad, happy, disgusted or angry.

If you had financial challenges prior to the time you did emotional spending, then it was your intent to dispose of money when you went out because of your emotions! This solved the problem.

I invite you to write in and leave me a comment regarding emotional spending. Part 2 will come later in the week.