Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘engaged’

I tell you I am not a big proponent of titles because it tends to cause people’s behavior to change based on the title. When I saw this title this morning as I was doing some research, I could not resist writing. Title of this story is Tightwads, Spendthrifts – Attract, Marry and Fight.

The gentleman and his colleagues that took the survey said whether a tightwad or spendthrift, participants indicated they were unhappy about their emotional reactions toward spending money. I have always said you cannot get your emotions met by spending. It actually causes more problems and more debt.

Husbands and wives need to put their emotions aside when making financial decisions. Decisions based on happiness, sadness, madness or frustration can lead to more wrong decisions and cause division in the relationship. I encourage them all to thing big picture and not just the few minutes that they are in heat of the moment.

Engaged couples should talk about their views on finances prior to getting married as well as observing financial patterns. Those that are already married should re-evaluate financial habits that have been exhibited throughout their marriage and make adjustments where necessary.

Does not matter whether you are a tightwad or spendthrift, establish healthy financial boundaries for your marriage, communicate openly about finances and establish mutual financial goals for your marriage. This way everyone is aware of financial obligations.

Oh and before I leave this post, there is no golden rule that tightwads and spendthrifts have to fight in marriage.

This one comes to me through a gentleman that I follow on Twitter. Happily Ever After is actually a documentary and I decided that I would include it with my movie reviews.

I watched the DVD last night and was proud of the examples and images presented throughout this documentary. It is a candid look at the stereotypes that have existed surrounding black marriage and  “NEW and FRESH” realistic examples of what BLACK MARRIAGE can be.

Thank you for creating a powerful tool that gives people a visual of positive black marriages which has only existed somewhat in a fictional perspective. Every couple on the documentary is a positive example, not just the Obamas.

This documentary addresses some key issues and concerns about black marriages.  As a money and marriage advocate and because money is one of the top reasons for divorce, I would recommend finances being discussed throughout the lifetime of the marriage.

 You must get this DVD – something in it for all  – engaged, newlywed or married for quite some time. Purchase it below:

At the beginning of this week, I talked about “The Price of Infidelity” on Money Talk Matters on GLORI radio because I felt it should be addressed. I frankly got tired of reading about this or that politician who was caught being unfaithful to their spouses.

The “Price of Infidelity” does not just affect the man and woman involved, it affects the spouse(s), children – regardless of age, extended family members, residence, employment, community and more.

The “Price of Infidelity” is not a price people can actually afford. From all the different stories I have read, in my opinion it seems people are being very short-sighted when it comes to “choosing to be unfaithful”. The ramifications of infidelity are huge, can be long-term and sometimes disastrous.

I encouraged engaged couples and those soon to be married, if you are talking about money and I strongly encourage you to do so and if you find out something that you just cannot handle to walk away now. As a groom or bride-to-be, it is important that you remain true to yourself especially in knowing what you can and cannot handle.

It is better to walk down the aisle knowing you have discussed the financial background on both sides instead of being surprised by bills when you return from the honeymoon.

Alright readers, I have to say this is not a movie that I would have known about if it had not come recommended. This movie is about two women who were left by their husbands at a certain point in their marriages and left with children to raise on their own. Mind you I don’t think either of them got divorced, one day the husbands just went out and never returned. Consequently these women do what they have to do to make ends meet and provide for their children, hmmm even involved illegal activity. It is a PHENOMENAL independent film that should DEFINITELY be watched.

Money Implication: I can understand being put in a situation where you have to earn money for survival but do not put yourself in a situation where you do something illegal and end up in jail. That has more lasting consequences, especially if you are the only parent that your children have.  THINK BIG picture.

Money Tip #1: If one day your spouse walks out on you and you did not prepare for it, immediately go to your bank where you have a joint account and get the money out so that you are not left without any money.

Money Tip #2: Contact credit card companies if you have joint cards and share what is going on. You do not want that spouse charging huge amounts and you are left attempting to “scrape” money together to pay that bill when you should be maintaining  food, clothing and shelter.

Money Tip #3: Be honest with the kids and provide for them the best way that you know how. For example, you can make a game out of it if you have to have breakfast for dinner.

Money Tip #4: If you are left with two cars per se and one of your children are not old enough to drive it, why don’t you consider selling the car.

Observation:  These women had different backgrounds but ended up being put in the same situation, their husbands left. The character Ray ended up  meeting with Lila who was smuggling immigrants. Lila’s child was taken by the father’s family. Lila was doing what she had to in order to survive. She worked at the local Bingo parlor but apparently did not think it was enough.

Recommendations: Be honest with yourself about what your expenses are.

Make sure that you have food, clothing and shelter whether you have kids or not.

Do not engage in any illegal activity in order to provide for your kids. Check the local shelters, non-profit organizations and churches to see what kind of assistance they can offer you.

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Another movie that I cannot recall why I had not seen this one before especially since I am such a huge fan of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.  Really after Pretty Woman you think I would have been one of the first ones to see this but I had not seen this until recently. Almost embarrased to admit such. But I digress, let’s see if I can summarize it without giving too much away.

A journalist (played by Richard Gere) who is on deadline finds out about this “Runaway Bride” and decides to write about her without getting all of the facts. Okay I know from my brother having been a journalist, that is Journalism 101 – always check your facts before you run a story. The Runaway Bride (played by Julia Roberts) turns around and writes the newspaper and gets him fired. Journalist decides to do his fact checking a little late, after the fact by going to the town where the Runaway Bride is in order to clear his name. He befriends her family, friends and fiance. While the journalist is talking with the Runaway Bride’s father, he shares that he has all of her escapes via videotape and gives them to the journalist.  The father also comments on how he has paid for all of these weddings. Runaway Bride says she is paying for number four. Journalist believes she will not make it down the aisle to number four. The more he finds out about her…. Next question is does she make it down the aisle and marry number four or what does she do? You will have to watch the movie if you haven’t already to find out what happens.

Money Implications:

1) Considering her father paid for three weddings, I do not expect anyone to believe their parents will pay for a second wedding if the first one does not last. The expense of three weddings sure enough could put parents in debt.  

2) This bride has major premarital concerns and if the day of the wedding arrives and you continue to have questions, you should either delay the wedding or call it off. It does not matter what people will think – be true to yourself.

3) Realize that money is being spent for a wedding. Whether you are paying for the wedding or your parents are paying, money is being spent. Do not take it for granted that some of these expenses once you have spent the money there is not an opportunity to get the money back. If you have not begun to talk about finances, now is just as good as any time. Start talking about money for your marriage while you are talking about compromising on financial expenses for the wedding.

Observations:

1) The bride continues to panic as she is at the altar or approaching the altar. The father makes a joke about it but you can tell he is not necessarily happy about this situation. The bride says she is going to pay this time. It’s as if she almost has some guilt about these different attempts.

2) When the bride wants to purchase an expensive wedding gown, the lady at the dress shop does not want to sell it to her because she knows her past history with weddings and not making it down the aisle. She recommends she purchase something less expensive. The journalist steps in and says he will buy the dress. When choosing a dress, buy within your budget.

Recommendations:

1) Wherever you are in your relationship, six months to a year or even longer, start talking about money now. Three out of four married couples argue about money. It is not a written rule that you must become a part of that statistic. Talk about money in order to prevent financial stress in your marriage.

2) Be certain that the person you are about to marry is the person you love regardless of income, appearance or employment status. Let’s be honest, some of the cutest people or most handsome treat people the worse. People do not stay the  same age, size and could change jobs several times throughout marriage.

3) Do not lose your identity in becoming a wife. All to often women lose themselves when they become married, especially if their husband has some type of position. They get lost in being Mrs. XXX and then when he loses that position and/or becomes depressed or becomes upset then they too go through that same behavior instead of being strong and talking him through what happened and encouraging him to move forward. Instead the entire household is now depressed and cannot seem to move out of the slump they are in. **Part of what I saw was the problem with Maggie is she felt she could not be herself which incidentally cost her family in the long run.

I love it when I find stories like this that reaffirm what I have been saying. Naturally when I found this one, I had to share this. This article talks about the 5 Costly Money Mistakes Newlyweds Make

One of the five mistakes is a lack of communication. That does not surprise me because we both know that money is still a “Taboo” subject when getting married. Even in 2009 with everything that is going on with the economy, sometimes money is not being discussed in the manner it should be.

I must admit when I read about this couple who are newly married but lived together for seven years, purchased a home after they got married stated that they realized financial decisions can be some of the toughest.

Makes me wonder what were they doing when they lived together! Were they keeping things separate and not even talking about joint finances for seven years or what do we do if this… since we are under one roof. Now, I am not advocating living together prior to marriage -what I am pulling from this article is it appears couples have not thought about married life.

A second one is a failure to plan. To me this goes without saying because when you are unprepared, financial challenges can tear down a relationship really fast, cause husbands and wives to point the finger at each other and lead to all sorts of stress in the marriage. This can happen whether you are a newlywed or married for a longer period of time.

A third one is handing over control. When it comes to managing finances for the marriage, I am a huge believer in including the person that is not the money manager. They need to be aware of all the details – how the bills are paid, when, the account numbers, the automatic deductions and more. Do not set your spouse up for financial disarray by not including them in the financial picture.

What do you think are the costly money mistakes?

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It is TIME to take MONEY and MARRIAGE to a new level.  Normal means regular, conforming to the standard. My definition of normal is this what the “world” deems as acceptable because it is common place.

Let’s take a look at what being “NORMAL” has done for Money and Marriage:

Its normal for people to get married without discussing money.

Its normal for brides and grooms  to carry debt into their marriage without disclosing.

Its normal for shoppers and savers to have financial infidelity in their marriage.

Its normal for young engaged couples to get caught up in planning for a marriage and not even think  beyond the wedding day.

Its normal to attend premarital counseling and not even address finances.

Its normal to spend huge amounts of money on a wedding and not provide life skills for the marriage to work.

Its normal to talk with co-workers about fiance or spouse’s spending habits and never talk with the spouse.

Its normal to get into arguments about money without resolving anything.

Its normal to allow silence to become the language of the relationship when it comes to money.

Its normal NOT to get help with finances and continue financial stress and strain in the relationship.

Its normal for marriages to end in divorce because of money. Look at the statistics. Money is one of if not the NUMBER 1 reason for divorce.

If you do not want “NORMAL” to be the standard for your marriage, then I am the one that is not the NORMAL choice. I believe in money and marriage without it being a TUG of WAR. Money and Marriage does not have to be stressful or make you become a person that you do not like because of financial challenges.

If you want to step out of the box and take a different approach, then contact me. It’s time to take your MONEY and MARRIAGE to a new, stressfree level.

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.