Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

Special Alert – for brides-to-be and grooms, all engaged couples if you are arguing about money now see it as a good thing and become solution oriented. Talking not arguing would serve you better because it will allow you to lay the cards on the table and figure out a solution that works for both.

Even though you are engaged right now, it can give you more of a glimpse into how each other makes decisions when times get tough. What does the fiance want to do? What does the bride-to be want to do? Are they close to being on the same page or are you far apart and refusing to compromise in order to reach an agreement? Listen, its okay to agree to disagree. However, when it comes to finances you cannot just argue, someone walk away without any type of solution being made because feelings got hurt.

Step back from the situation and ask yourself, what are you really arguing about? Did someone’s opinion not get taken into consideration? Or did one person overspend when the other one suggested you should be in a saving mode? Of course if you focus on the fact that you are arguing too long it could be viewed as a negative instead of seeing it as a positive. The good thing about it is you can get your issues on the table and there should not be any financial secrets that each other does not know about as you approach your wedding day.

Question for the fiancee – does arguing about money at this point make you want to call off the wedding and if so, why?

Grooms make a note: If you have to support your bride-to-be financially before marriage make sure that all the cards are on the table beforehand. What is good about this is the opportunity to find out the good, bad and ugly about each other’s financial background. What each of you have done and what you plan to do for your future?

Now is the time to find out why you need to support the bride-to-be financially and is it due to her mismanagement of funds. If she is working, then the two of you need to talk about money management skills. What have you done and you already know that she is having some issues? How do you plan to move forward because one of the first things that you need to decide as husband and wife if not before is who will manage the money for your marriage.

You do not want to go into your marriage managing money by trial and error. Debt after a wedding impacts the marriage relationship like nothing else in the beginning. It robs husbands and wives of the opportunity to learn about each other and nurture their relationship. They almost automatically go into fight mode because of the financial strain that they are facing.

Take this time to talk about each other’s financial background and establish a new financial foundation for your marriage, who will manage the money and pay the bills as well as mutual financial goals to pay off debt, plan for vacations, buying a house and more. Think long-term and not just for today.

Brides if your fiance is bad with money, now is the time to talk with him and plan for your financial foundation during your marriage. It is a GREAT thing that you are finding out this information prior to your walking down the aisle. You may be puzzled as to why! Because there are so many brides and grooms that are not even discussing money before marriage and then they become mad when they find out that the money is not right or the other person has debt.

The biggest expense of marriage is DIVORCE. While you are seeing that your fiance is bad with money, why not take steps together to correct his financial mistakes and any financial mistakes that you have made. While you are putting it out there that he is bad with money, what about you? Is your financial background spotless? If not, then I suggest you share with him as well what your financial background is so that you are starting from a place of everyone’s financial cards being on the table.

It is not fair if you do not share with him and you know in the back of your mind, you have made mistakes too. Even if you have not made mistakes, share with him how you handle money so that it can enlighten him on how you make financial decisions as well as what you base those decisions on.

After you have shared how you handle money, the two of you should look at what his plans are to clean up his financial situation. Establish goals that are achievable and realistic. He needs to be able to take some steps to correct his financial picture. That may or may not necessarily involve you. What you can do is to talk with him on a regular basis and see what progress he has made. This will let him know you are not just going to have a one time discussion and drop it. Encourage him to pursue financial relief in his own life.

Brides – stop read and learn. I have been getting several questions regarding fiance’s and I must say please pay attention. This question came no doubt from a bride and you need to read this answer in full.

Question: Should a fiance help with bills even if he does not live with me?

Answer: This answer is going to be quite detailed because there are several variables.

First and foremost, the fiance’ should not be obligated to help the bride-to-be pay bills if they are strictly the brides’ bills that were created even before the fiance’ came along. Now if he chooses to help, it should be his choice and not one of feeling as if he was manipulated into helping. That would be wrong.

Second, if these were bills created by the bride-to-be for the wedding that they (bride and fiance) budgeted for, then sure he should help out with the bills even if he does not live there. Another factor that comes into play with this is if they are primarily paying for their own wedding and the parents are not contributing or are making a minimal contribution to the wedding.

Third, if these are joint bills they created together what I mean by that they opened up joint credit accounts and they have charged this and that, sure he should help pay for the bills even if they do not live together. This can be a lesson in money prior to saying “I Do”. What can be learned in this lesson is what was the original agreement when it came to expenses, who would pay, etc. If the fiance helped create the debt and then decides that he does not want to help pay, I say to the bride-to-be take a long look and decide if this is what you want your marriage to be like.

If he does not voluntarily help pay before then more than likely he will not pay after you say “I Do”. Then what happens is you are going to have regrets and think of ways to get out of it.

Brides to be: ALERT – We all know the statistics and I am going to remind you what they are:
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

Three out of four married couples are arguing about money since the recession.

One in three marriages deal with financial infidelity

If your fiance does not pay his share of the bills that you are creating together prior to marriage, be “CAUTIOUS”. Why, let’s lay the cards on the table:

(1) Why is he not paying his share? Is it because he just does not want to?

(2) Can he not afford to? He could afford to create them with you.

(3) Is he blaming these bills on you?

This is not a time to ignore the fact that he does not want to pay his share. Is this a pattern and will this be what he does once you are married? There are clear signals that people are ignoring every day in order to walk down the aisle. Then they get divorced because of issues that arise such as money, when they did not talk about it in the first place.

Brides to be (and grooms) – pay attention to what your soon to be spouse is doing with the money prior to your getting married. Don’t just focus on the wedding plans – but look at how they are paying their own bills, are they even talking about it or being silent, what are the parents role in their bills if any and much more.

You do not want to come back from the honeymoon to discover debt beyond your imagination and have regrets. Life is to be enjoyed not dreaded.

Begin talking about money today. One way you could spark the conversation is to tell him about a financial situation that you are dealing with and see if that encourages him to open up about his own financial situation. Nothing too heavy but enough to let him know that you trust him and want to include him in decisions you are making.

Start talking before you come home to the pile of bills.

Money is an important topic when it comes to engagement and marriage. This is yet another anonymous question that came in from a soon-to-be groom. What do I do, my fiance does not share her support of expenses? Heavy duty topic which can lead to an uneasy discussion but this should be talked about.

I would imagine this groom-to-be is not the only person that is dealing with this issue. First, how long has your fiance not been willing to share in his or her support of expenses? What people fail to realize is this, if their is a certain behavior that is exhibited that you do not agree with yet you remain silent, then it is perceived in the other person’s mind as accepted or agreed upon. Therefore, for example if the fiance has not ever shared in her support of expenses, then it will take some doing to change that behavior.

Next, I would recommend that you sit down with your fiance and begin talking about the money matters more in depth than you were before. This clearly should raise a red flag that the does not share her support of expenses. Why is that? Are some of the expenses hers? Are these wedding expenses? Also are these needs or wants? These are definitely questions that you need to sit down and discuss now. Why? You are headed down a road of pointing the finger and blame if one person does not agree with financial expenses that are happening in the marriage.

You cannot look at this one sided and place all the blame on her. Be honest with yourself because deep down you know what the reason is. Do not be in denial. Both of you need to take responsibility and discuss your finances openly. What are the mutual financial goals for the marriage? What debt is being brought into the marriage by the husband and the wife and so much more. Do not avoid having these discussions or you could be setting your marriage up for financial stress unnecessarily.

Financial secrets upon being revealed can divide a marriage. Begin talking with your fiance today about the expenses.

This movie has several of my favorites again Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan and Terrance Howard. It is always my goal not to spoil it for you if you have not seen the movie, so here is my brief recap.

Harper Stewart (Taye Diggs), who is a writer and The Best Man at the wedding of Lance (Morris Chestnut) and Mia (Monica Calhoun). The three of them went to college together. Lance was a football player and becomes  a pro player. Needless to say he lived up to the reputation of a football player being physically intimate with all the girls. Then he meets Mia and decides he needs to be with her. Harper tends to dissuade him saying she is a “good, Church going girl”. Eventually Lance and Mia do hook up and he plans on marrying her. The weekend prior to The Wedding, all of their old college friends get together in celebration of this upcoming union. Harper’s book comes out and they discover he has captured their lives in print but changed their names. He tries to say that it is fiction. Lance believes he is the only person Mia has ever slept with but according to Harper’s book secrets begin to come out… You will have to see the movie to get all the juicy details. It is a GREAT movie.

Money implications:

Once secrets are revealed, it can alter the course of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether they are salvageable or not depends on the people in the relationship. These young people set out to accomplish different professions and they did it. It did not change them and they were genuinely happy for each other.

The character Terrance Howard played tried several different things and was talented. The bottom line is he did not stop at one thing  – he kept on going. The bride-to-be was comfortable in who she was and so was the groom regardless of what anyone thought.

Nia Long’s character, Jordan was an independent business woman that had everything going on. Yet she was not in a relationship. Although while they were in college, something almost happened between her and Harper. She is very career focused which happens with many women. Once their career is at a certain point, then they think about dating and/or marriage.

Julian was a teacher and content doing that job, yet his girlfriend Shelby all the college friends did not like. Shelby was a woman that was into shopping and prestige. She wanted Julian to return to become a lawyer and he is not interested. She also was big on pouting if she did not get her way. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Observation:

One of the main secrets revealed almost caused this wedding not to happen after a lot of money had been spent. It does not matter if you are on the bride’s side or the groom’s side, if a wedding is called off after the money has been spent and you cannot get deposits back it can upset everyone. Granted if you found out something the night before that you just could not live with, then those expenses would not amount to what it could costs you later. Be true to yourself and decide what you need to do. Think about the big picture not just the short-term. CAUTION: Too many people rush into a wedding trying to save face. They are more concerned with what people are going to think about them instead of their true feelings about getting married and the person they are marrying. Do not get into the habit of trying to please people.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) Financial secrets can tear down trust in a relationship and marriage. Share your financial background upfront and if the fiance’ cannot handle it then you are better off.

2) Be comfortable in who you are. That means if you are comfortable being the homemaker then be the homemaker. If you are employed outside the home, then you are employed outside the home. Have the discussion about what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is according to how each of you see it -  not what your parents think. Talk about the respective roles and agree. If you choose not to talk about it, it can be costly in the long term.

3) Husbands and wives have to believe in each other and support them in their individual dreams as well.  At the end of the day, it does affect the household bottom line. Do not be so short-sighted that you think it is only about you. Once you said “I Do” it is no longer “ALL ABOUT YOU”.

Definitely one for the library:

Another movie that I cannot recall why I had not seen this one before especially since I am such a huge fan of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.  Really after Pretty Woman you think I would have been one of the first ones to see this but I had not seen this until recently. Almost embarrased to admit such. But I digress, let’s see if I can summarize it without giving too much away.

A journalist (played by Richard Gere) who is on deadline finds out about this “Runaway Bride” and decides to write about her without getting all of the facts. Okay I know from my brother having been a journalist, that is Journalism 101 – always check your facts before you run a story. The Runaway Bride (played by Julia Roberts) turns around and writes the newspaper and gets him fired. Journalist decides to do his fact checking a little late, after the fact by going to the town where the Runaway Bride is in order to clear his name. He befriends her family, friends and fiance. While the journalist is talking with the Runaway Bride’s father, he shares that he has all of her escapes via videotape and gives them to the journalist.  The father also comments on how he has paid for all of these weddings. Runaway Bride says she is paying for number four. Journalist believes she will not make it down the aisle to number four. The more he finds out about her…. Next question is does she make it down the aisle and marry number four or what does she do? You will have to watch the movie if you haven’t already to find out what happens.

Money Implications:

1) Considering her father paid for three weddings, I do not expect anyone to believe their parents will pay for a second wedding if the first one does not last. The expense of three weddings sure enough could put parents in debt.  

2) This bride has major premarital concerns and if the day of the wedding arrives and you continue to have questions, you should either delay the wedding or call it off. It does not matter what people will think – be true to yourself.

3) Realize that money is being spent for a wedding. Whether you are paying for the wedding or your parents are paying, money is being spent. Do not take it for granted that some of these expenses once you have spent the money there is not an opportunity to get the money back. If you have not begun to talk about finances, now is just as good as any time. Start talking about money for your marriage while you are talking about compromising on financial expenses for the wedding.

Observations:

1) The bride continues to panic as she is at the altar or approaching the altar. The father makes a joke about it but you can tell he is not necessarily happy about this situation. The bride says she is going to pay this time. It’s as if she almost has some guilt about these different attempts.

2) When the bride wants to purchase an expensive wedding gown, the lady at the dress shop does not want to sell it to her because she knows her past history with weddings and not making it down the aisle. She recommends she purchase something less expensive. The journalist steps in and says he will buy the dress. When choosing a dress, buy within your budget.

Recommendations:

1) Wherever you are in your relationship, six months to a year or even longer, start talking about money now. Three out of four married couples argue about money. It is not a written rule that you must become a part of that statistic. Talk about money in order to prevent financial stress in your marriage.

2) Be certain that the person you are about to marry is the person you love regardless of income, appearance or employment status. Let’s be honest, some of the cutest people or most handsome treat people the worse. People do not stay the  same age, size and could change jobs several times throughout marriage.

3) Do not lose your identity in becoming a wife. All to often women lose themselves when they become married, especially if their husband has some type of position. They get lost in being Mrs. XXX and then when he loses that position and/or becomes depressed or becomes upset then they too go through that same behavior instead of being strong and talking him through what happened and encouraging him to move forward. Instead the entire household is now depressed and cannot seem to move out of the slump they are in. **Part of what I saw was the problem with Maggie is she felt she could not be herself which incidentally cost her family in the long run.

It is TIME to take MONEY and MARRIAGE to a new level.  Normal means regular, conforming to the standard. My definition of normal is this what the “world” deems as acceptable because it is common place.

Let’s take a look at what being “NORMAL” has done for Money and Marriage:

Its normal for people to get married without discussing money.

Its normal for brides and grooms  to carry debt into their marriage without disclosing.

Its normal for shoppers and savers to have financial infidelity in their marriage.

Its normal for young engaged couples to get caught up in planning for a marriage and not even think  beyond the wedding day.

Its normal to attend premarital counseling and not even address finances.

Its normal to spend huge amounts of money on a wedding and not provide life skills for the marriage to work.

Its normal to talk with co-workers about fiance or spouse’s spending habits and never talk with the spouse.

Its normal to get into arguments about money without resolving anything.

Its normal to allow silence to become the language of the relationship when it comes to money.

Its normal NOT to get help with finances and continue financial stress and strain in the relationship.

Its normal for marriages to end in divorce because of money. Look at the statistics. Money is one of if not the NUMBER 1 reason for divorce.

If you do not want “NORMAL” to be the standard for your marriage, then I am the one that is not the NORMAL choice. I believe in money and marriage without it being a TUG of WAR. Money and Marriage does not have to be stressful or make you become a person that you do not like because of financial challenges.

If you want to step out of the box and take a different approach, then contact me. It’s time to take your MONEY and MARRIAGE to a new, stressfree level.

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

Viewing our local, Comcast Newsmakers today – they were discussing one of the local food pantries. They were sharing how they are seeing a lot of first time people coming through the door and people are embarrased, don’t know the system.

I remember going to the food bank at the Church I attended when I was in debt and I didn’t want anyone to see me coming from the food bank. So I made sure I parked my car around the bank and did not have to walk around to the front of the church. Then there came that one time when my then fiance’ was taking me home after Church and he did not come to the back and pick me up. I had to walk around the front and was sooo embarrassed and mad at him. That day, the pride was broken.

Another aspect the interviewer from Metro Care Ring shared is they are getting food for primarily five days and they still need to access other food pantries. 

If you are in need of a food resource, there are:

Share Colorado – www.sharecolorado.com – services Colorado, Nebraska, New Mexico, South Dakota and Wyoming.

Angel Food Ministries – www.angelfoodministries.com – serve throughout the United States. View their site for complete details.