Posts Tagged ‘fiance’

postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #12 – The Best Man

This movie has several of my favorites again Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan and Terrance Howard. It is always my goal not to spoil it for you if you have not seen the movie, so here is my brief recap.

Harper Stewart (Taye Diggs), who is a writer and The Best Man at the wedding of Lance (Morris Chestnut) and Mia (Monica Calhoun). The three of them went to college together. Lance was a football player and becomes  a pro player. Needless to say he lived up to the reputation of a football player being physically intimate with all the girls. Then he meets Mia and decides he needs to be with her. Harper tends to dissuade him saying she is a “good, Church going girl”. Eventually Lance and Mia do hook up and he plans on marrying her. The weekend prior to The Wedding, all of their old college friends get together in celebration of this upcoming union. Harper’s book comes out and they discover he has captured their lives in print but changed their names. He tries to say that it is fiction. Lance believes he is the only person Mia has ever slept with but according to Harper’s book secrets begin to come out… You will have to see the movie to get all the juicy details. It is a GREAT movie.

Money implications:

Once secrets are revealed, it can alter the course of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether they are salvageable or not depends on the people in the relationship. These young people set out to accomplish different professions and they did it. It did not change them and they were genuinely happy for each other.

The character Terrance Howard played tried several different things and was talented. The bottom line is he did not stop at one thing  – he kept on going. The bride-to-be was comfortable in who she was and so was the groom regardless of what anyone thought.

Nia Long’s character, Jordan was an independent business woman that had everything going on. Yet she was not in a relationship. Although while they were in college, something almost happened between her and Harper. She is very career focused which happens with many women. Once their career is at a certain point, then they think about dating and/or marriage.

Julian was a teacher and content doing that job, yet his girlfriend Shelby all the college friends did not like. Shelby was a woman that was into shopping and prestige. She wanted Julian to return to become a lawyer and he is not interested. She also was big on pouting if she did not get her way. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Observation:

One of the main secrets revealed almost caused this wedding not to happen after a lot of money had been spent. It does not matter if you are on the bride’s side or the groom’s side, if a wedding is called off after the money has been spent and you cannot get deposits back it can upset everyone. Granted if you found out something the night before that you just could not live with, then those expenses would not amount to what it could costs you later. Be true to yourself and decide what you need to do. Think about the big picture not just the short-term. CAUTION: Too many people rush into a wedding trying to save face. They are more concerned with what people are going to think about them instead of their true feelings about getting married and the person they are marrying. Do not get into the habit of trying to please people.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) Financial secrets can tear down trust in a relationship and marriage. Share your financial background upfront and if the fiance’ cannot handle it then you are better off.

2) Be comfortable in who you are. That means if you are comfortable being the homemaker then be the homemaker. If you are employed outside the home, then you are employed outside the home. Have the discussion about what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is according to how each of you see it –  not what your parents think. Talk about the respective roles and agree. If you choose not to talk about it, it can be costly in the long term.

3) Husbands and wives have to believe in each other and support them in their individual dreams as well.  At the end of the day, it does affect the household bottom line. Do not be so short-sighted that you think it is only about you. Once you said “I Do” it is no longer “ALL ABOUT YOU”.

Definitely one for the library:

postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #10 – Runaway Bride

Another movie that I cannot recall why I had not seen this one before especially since I am such a huge fan of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.  Really after Pretty Woman you think I would have been one of the first ones to see this but I had not seen this until recently. Almost embarrased to admit such. But I digress, let’s see if I can summarize it without giving too much away.

A journalist (played by Richard Gere) who is on deadline finds out about this “Runaway Bride” and decides to write about her without getting all of the facts. Okay I know from my brother having been a journalist, that is Journalism 101 – always check your facts before you run a story. The Runaway Bride (played by Julia Roberts) turns around and writes the newspaper and gets him fired. Journalist decides to do his fact checking a little late, after the fact by going to the town where the Runaway Bride is in order to clear his name. He befriends her family, friends and fiance. While the journalist is talking with the Runaway Bride’s father, he shares that he has all of her escapes via videotape and gives them to the journalist.  The father also comments on how he has paid for all of these weddings. Runaway Bride says she is paying for number four. Journalist believes she will not make it down the aisle to number four. The more he finds out about her…. Next question is does she make it down the aisle and marry number four or what does she do? You will have to watch the movie if you haven’t already to find out what happens.

Money Implications:

1) Considering her father paid for three weddings, I do not expect anyone to believe their parents will pay for a second wedding if the first one does not last. The expense of three weddings sure enough could put parents in debt.  

2) This bride has major premarital concerns and if the day of the wedding arrives and you continue to have questions, you should either delay the wedding or call it off. It does not matter what people will think – be true to yourself.

3) Realize that money is being spent for a wedding. Whether you are paying for the wedding or your parents are paying, money is being spent. Do not take it for granted that some of these expenses once you have spent the money there is not an opportunity to get the money back. If you have not begun to talk about finances, now is just as good as any time. Start talking about money for your marriage while you are talking about compromising on financial expenses for the wedding.

Observations:

1) The bride continues to panic as she is at the altar or approaching the altar. The father makes a joke about it but you can tell he is not necessarily happy about this situation. The bride says she is going to pay this time. It’s as if she almost has some guilt about these different attempts.

2) When the bride wants to purchase an expensive wedding gown, the lady at the dress shop does not want to sell it to her because she knows her past history with weddings and not making it down the aisle. She recommends she purchase something less expensive. The journalist steps in and says he will buy the dress. When choosing a dress, buy within your budget.

Recommendations:

1) Wherever you are in your relationship, six months to a year or even longer, start talking about money now. Three out of four married couples argue about money. It is not a written rule that you must become a part of that statistic. Talk about money in order to prevent financial stress in your marriage.

2) Be certain that the person you are about to marry is the person you love regardless of income, appearance or employment status. Let’s be honest, some of the cutest people or most handsome treat people the worse. People do not stay the  same age, size and could change jobs several times throughout marriage.

3) Do not lose your identity in becoming a wife. All to often women lose themselves when they become married, especially if their husband has some type of position. They get lost in being Mrs. XXX and then when he loses that position and/or becomes depressed or becomes upset then they too go through that same behavior instead of being strong and talking him through what happened and encouraging him to move forward. Instead the entire household is now depressed and cannot seem to move out of the slump they are in. **Part of what I saw was the problem with Maggie is she felt she could not be herself which incidentally cost her family in the long run.

postheadericon NORMAL CAN no longer be the STANDARD

It is TIME to take MONEY and MARRIAGE to a new level.  Normal means regular, conforming to the standard. My definition of normal is this what the “world” deems as acceptable because it is common place.

Let’s take a look at what being “NORMAL” has done for Money and Marriage:

Its normal for people to get married without discussing money.

Its normal for brides and grooms  to carry debt into their marriage without disclosing.

Its normal for shoppers and savers to have financial infidelity in their marriage.

Its normal for young engaged couples to get caught up in planning for a marriage and not even think  beyond the wedding day.

Its normal to attend premarital counseling and not even address finances.

Its normal to spend huge amounts of money on a wedding and not provide life skills for the marriage to work.

Its normal to talk with co-workers about fiance or spouse’s spending habits and never talk with the spouse.

Its normal to get into arguments about money without resolving anything.

Its normal to allow silence to become the language of the relationship when it comes to money.

Its normal NOT to get help with finances and continue financial stress and strain in the relationship.

Its normal for marriages to end in divorce because of money. Look at the statistics. Money is one of if not the NUMBER 1 reason for divorce.

If you do not want “NORMAL” to be the standard for your marriage, then I am the one that is not the NORMAL choice. I believe in money and marriage without it being a TUG of WAR. Money and Marriage does not have to be stressful or make you become a person that you do not like because of financial challenges.

If you want to step out of the box and take a different approach, then contact me. It’s time to take your MONEY and MARRIAGE to a new, stressfree level.

 

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

postheadericon Are Food Pantries an Option?

Viewing our local, Comcast Newsmakers today – they were discussing one of the local food pantries. They were sharing how they are seeing a lot of first time people coming through the door and people are embarrased, don’t know the system.

I remember going to the food bank at the Church I attended when I was in debt and I didn’t want anyone to see me coming from the food bank. So I made sure I parked my car around the bank and did not have to walk around to the front of the church. Then there came that one time when my then fiance’ was taking me home after Church and he did not come to the back and pick me up. I had to walk around the front and was sooo embarrassed and mad at him. That day, the pride was broken.

Another aspect the interviewer from Metro Care Ring shared is they are getting food for primarily five days and they still need to access other food pantries. 

If you are in need of a food resource, there are:

Share Colorado – www.sharecolorado.com – services Colorado, Nebraska, New Mexico, South Dakota and Wyoming.

Angel Food Ministries – www.angelfoodministries.com – serve throughout the United States. View their site for complete details.

postheadericon Asset or Liability?

I felt this needed to be shared here.

Congratulations you are with the one you love. It is safe to say you have spent a lot of time together getting to know each other. You are engaged and planning the wedding of a life time. I remember exhibiting at bridal shows and all the brides going from booth to booth with family members and friends discussing specific items. It warmed my heart as I thought about these couples preparing to open a new chapter in their life.

As you are beginning this new chapter, I would prefer that you walk down that aisle with insight versus being in the dark. Before I continue, there are some of you that might believe you are prepared and could say “I Do” right now. We are about to find out. Understand this part will be fun but there is a serious side to it. Do not discount what you write. I ask that you be honest as you answer the question.

The purpose of this exercise is to open your eyes in an area that is one of the leading causes of divorce. It is to make you truthfully look at yourself and recognize where you could need some help and be more forthcoming about your financial picture.

If you have 5 or more yes answers then you are an Asset to yourself, will be the same in your marriage and will more than likely not keep financial secrets.

If you have 5 or more no answers then you are a Liability to yourself and will be the same in your marriage if you do not take steps to become a better financially oriented person.

If you have an equal number of yes and no answers, then you are in the middle of the road. You probably would benefit from some additional unbiased guidance to ensure you enter into your marriage with a goal of financial success and not failure.

Take out a sheet of paper and number from 1 to 10. Then write Y or N beside it after you read the question.

Are You An Asset or Liability?

(1) You have talked with your fiancé about your debt? Yes or No

(2) You have always paid your bills on time? Yes or No

(3) You believe that you and your fiancé should have separate accounts once married? Yes or No

(4) You know how to talk about money during engagement? Yes or No

(5) You have managed money well as a young adult? Yes or No

(6) You are a shopper and your fiancé has no idea? Yes or No

(7) If your fiancé lost his job once married, you would stay the course? Yes or No

(8) Would you be willing to share with your fiancé what you are being paid? Yes or No

(9) You would admit to your fiancé if you had a previous bankruptcy? Yes or No

(10) If your fiancé is bringing debt to the marriage, will you still marry him? Yes or No

(11) Do you believe that financial mistakes can be forgiven? Yes or No

(12) Would you keep financial secrets from your fiancé? Yes or No

Did you wind up being an Asset or a Liability? An asset means useful or desirable thing.
When you enter into your marital relationship even in the beginning you should be an asset bringing value. Or did you wind up being a liability which means debt owed. If you are a liability, you can take positive steps to change that for yourself and your relationship.

The above questions are to help you focus on a very important part of marriage. This was an eye opener and know that The Debt CAN Stop At The Altar. This tool can help you even face the reality that you need to begin talking with your fiancé about money even if you find it painful.

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

postheadericon Should Money Be A Taboo Subject?

For the Parent: Without talking about money to your children the following could happen:
1) Applying for numerous credit cards and overcharging
2) Writing checks and not knowing how to balance the checkbook
3) Getting loan after loan from a bank and getting co-signers
4) They repeat what they saw you do

For the Student: I am going to say high school to college age:
1) Peer pressure when out with friends which can lead to overspending
2) Mismanaging money from student loans and applying for every credit card offer on campus
3) During break getting a job but spending the money instead of planning ahead
4) Not being able to return to school because its not affordable

For the Engaged Couple:
1) Walking down the aisle and preparing to say “I Do” then finding out spouse is in debt – Creates a major problem
2) Knowing that you are a shopper and praying your fiance does not find out
3) Learning your future spouse has $20,000 in debt and not knowing how to handle it
4) Not compromising on wedding expenditures – could set the stage for marriage

For the Married Couple:
1) Been married for years and one person managed the money, now faced with consequences that are forcing conversation
2) Blaming the other person for spending in a time when you needed to be “frugal”
3) Silence being a part of the marriage because of financial tension
4) One person feeling as if they shoulder all the financial burden

Whether you are married, engaged, a student, parent or single – you decide. Based on what you read above, should money be a taboo subject? Share your comments.

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