Money Talk Matters

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This is yet another movie that any time it comes on, I have to stop and watch it all the way through. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorites and such a diverse actress she is. I’m sure you’ve heard the story before – young woman from a small town is married to a professional man. They have a child together. She is brought on television thinking she is going to get a makeover by a friend only to find out that her husband has been having an affair with this best friend. She leaves him and has to move back home with her mother.
She has to start over and has much to deal with being a single mother, a not so good relationship with her mother, old flame and more. You must watch this movie.

Money Implications:
She was not aware her husband was having an affair and once she became aware she was not financially sound to stand on her own. She had to move back home to her parents home which was not an easy thing to do based on her estranged relationship with her mother.

Money Tip #1 – This is for women – yes you are a wife and you are a woman. Meaning you should know how to manage money even if you have a husband as well as what is happening with the household finances.

Money Tip #2 – If you are put in the position of having to divorce your husband and return to a familiar place with relatives, you do not need to explain your situation to those relatives. If you move back in with your parents, you can choose what you share with them when it comes to your finances.

Money Tip #3 – You are an adult now and do not allow old high school friends or college friends that were competitive with you talk down to you based on what they are assuming is happening in your life. Hold your head up high and take care of your business – finances and all.

Observation:
It is clear in this movie that Sandra Bullock’s daughter wanted to be with the father and blames the mother for the breakup. As a parent it is important that you share information that the child(ren) need to know. It is not necessary to “bad mouth” the other parent. The child(ren) will make their own judgment based on what they see and hear. If your ex or soon-to-be ex is not paying child support nor spending time with the child(ren), you make memories with your child(ren) and let them know how much they are loved. Divorce and separation affects children and households in many ways. Get your finances in order and know what it takes to make your situation work.

Recommendation:
(1) Set the example for your child(ren) that you would want them to be as a young married couple. Teach them about money and managing money early on.

(2) Do no let your personal information become the “town” news of the day. What happens in your marriage and finances is not anyone’s business.

(3) We all love our parents, but do not let your parents opinions cause you to drift into depression which leads to inactivity. It is a costly position to be in.

(4) Do not let the emotional pain of your past cause you to make financial mistakes in your present thereby affecting your future.

(5) Protect the child(ren) from being devastated by a lack of the other parent’s involvement in their lives. This can have long term effects even when they are young adults, husbands and wives. Make lasting memories and it does not have to cost a fortune.

I was pleasantly surprised when I began to read this story that was in the Altanta Journal Constitution titled Couples plan wedding asks guests to foot the bill. Sure, I have heard of money trees and dollar dances, but to ask the guest to help pay for the wedding wow what a tone that sets for the marriage.

Brides and Grooms you must ask yourself what is more important the wedding day or your marriage? The wedding is just one day the marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime. For an older couple getting married, personally I would recommend going to the Justice of the Peace and then maybe having a reception and inviting friends to celebrate there. But this idea that you have to have a dream wedding that you cannot afford, PUH LEASE.

Even if it is a younger couple that is paying for their own wedding, same thing I would say go to the Justice of the Peace. You do not have to let society dictate your wedding.

If you cannot afford to have a big wedding from the outset, then do a wedding later on your five year anniversary. As a money and marriage advocate there are several things I want to point out that a couple should not want: 1) starting out the marriage with wedding debt; 2) have wedding bills that out last the marriage and 3) living beyong your means from the wedding day which can set the tone for financial frustration throughout the marriage.

Remember three out of four married couples are arguing about money. You do not have to be part of that statistic. The important thing in MARRIAGE is the COMMITMENT you make to each other, not the size of the party.

Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan, there was no way I was going to pass this one. I own it and anytime that I really need to crank out a lot of work, I put this one on and it gets me through.

This story is about two childhood friends, growing up and making it. They hadn’t seen each other in a while and when they connect again, she (Sidney) finds out that he (Dre’) is getting married to Nicole Ari Parker who plays Reece. Reece is also in the corporate world and makes a lot of money. The night before the wedding you will not believe what happens…. That is all I am going to say, go and get the movie.

Money Implications:

Do not marry for money. Marry for love and know in your heart of hearts this is the person you should be marrying.

Money Tip #1: Live within or below your means. Living above your means leads to trouble.

Money Tip #2: When it comes to your career, you must be true to yourself about what you need from employment to make yourself happy.

Money Tip #3: Do not start your own business without knowing what the expenses are, how long it will take before you make a profit and what the costs are to start the business.

Observations:

Even though Dre’ and Sidney attempted to pretend they were in love with other people, it all changed at a certain time. You love who you love.

Recommendations:

1) Do not be afraid of loving the person you fell in love with. If you are settling for “Mr. Comfortable and Acceptable, there could come a point in your relationship when you feel it is time to get out.

2) Divorce is expensive. As a matter of fact, I say it is the biggest marital expense of them all. Know what you are doing.

No movie library should be without this one:

I felt I had to include this one not just because it was one of my favorites, but as I was watching another Marriage and Money movie as I call them, it was mentioned. I thought to myself well let’s include it as well. Cannot hurt anything.

Of course it includes some of my favs which my readers are sooo used to by now – Sanaa Lathan and Omar Epps.  Let’s see if I can summarize this one without giving too much away and it makes you run out and get the movie.

Next door neighbors (Monica and Quincy) who are rivals end up becoming friends and then lovers. Both of them being competitive end up being recruited by the same college team. They of course thought that was great. Once in college – basketball does interfere with their relationship, as well as Quincy finds out his father has a family outside of his own and that really takes a toll on his mental capacity.

Monica gets an opportunity to be in the starting line up when Quincy is dealing with this family situation and because she does not have time for him, he turns to another young woman on campus. He also flaunts this in Monica’s face.  He does not end up with this young woman, nor does he end up with Monica but….. you must get the movie to find out the next turn and twist as well as the ending. This is a movie I watch everytime it comes on TV.

Money Implications:  I liked in this movie these young people stayed true to who they were.  The one implication I recommend is that regardless of your income level, it should not change you as a person.

Observation:  When it comes to love, as I always say do not be driven by emotion which can lead you to make the wrong choices. 

When Quincy was dealing with a family issue, he felt that Monica should have risked her opportunity to be in the starting lineup to listen to him vent. Honestly, at the end of the day her listening to him would not have changed what happened. I ask you would he have done the same thing for her?

I love how in the end, Monica and Quincy were true to themselves and each other.

Recommendation:  Understand that life happens and you CONTROL how you handle challenges in your life. For example if your hours were cut at your job, what is your solution? 

Do not left financial challenges get you down. Take control and manage your finances instead of you being controlled by your finances.

This movie has several of my favorites again Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan and Terrance Howard. It is always my goal not to spoil it for you if you have not seen the movie, so here is my brief recap.

Harper Stewart (Taye Diggs), who is a writer and The Best Man at the wedding of Lance (Morris Chestnut) and Mia (Monica Calhoun). The three of them went to college together. Lance was a football player and becomes  a pro player. Needless to say he lived up to the reputation of a football player being physically intimate with all the girls. Then he meets Mia and decides he needs to be with her. Harper tends to dissuade him saying she is a “good, Church going girl”. Eventually Lance and Mia do hook up and he plans on marrying her. The weekend prior to The Wedding, all of their old college friends get together in celebration of this upcoming union. Harper’s book comes out and they discover he has captured their lives in print but changed their names. He tries to say that it is fiction. Lance believes he is the only person Mia has ever slept with but according to Harper’s book secrets begin to come out… You will have to see the movie to get all the juicy details. It is a GREAT movie.

Money implications:

Once secrets are revealed, it can alter the course of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether they are salvageable or not depends on the people in the relationship. These young people set out to accomplish different professions and they did it. It did not change them and they were genuinely happy for each other.

The character Terrance Howard played tried several different things and was talented. The bottom line is he did not stop at one thing  – he kept on going. The bride-to-be was comfortable in who she was and so was the groom regardless of what anyone thought.

Nia Long’s character, Jordan was an independent business woman that had everything going on. Yet she was not in a relationship. Although while they were in college, something almost happened between her and Harper. She is very career focused which happens with many women. Once their career is at a certain point, then they think about dating and/or marriage.

Julian was a teacher and content doing that job, yet his girlfriend Shelby all the college friends did not like. Shelby was a woman that was into shopping and prestige. She wanted Julian to return to become a lawyer and he is not interested. She also was big on pouting if she did not get her way. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Observation:

One of the main secrets revealed almost caused this wedding not to happen after a lot of money had been spent. It does not matter if you are on the bride’s side or the groom’s side, if a wedding is called off after the money has been spent and you cannot get deposits back it can upset everyone. Granted if you found out something the night before that you just could not live with, then those expenses would not amount to what it could costs you later. Be true to yourself and decide what you need to do. Think about the big picture not just the short-term. CAUTION: Too many people rush into a wedding trying to save face. They are more concerned with what people are going to think about them instead of their true feelings about getting married and the person they are marrying. Do not get into the habit of trying to please people.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) Financial secrets can tear down trust in a relationship and marriage. Share your financial background upfront and if the fiance’ cannot handle it then you are better off.

2) Be comfortable in who you are. That means if you are comfortable being the homemaker then be the homemaker. If you are employed outside the home, then you are employed outside the home. Have the discussion about what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is according to how each of you see it -  not what your parents think. Talk about the respective roles and agree. If you choose not to talk about it, it can be costly in the long term.

3) Husbands and wives have to believe in each other and support them in their individual dreams as well.  At the end of the day, it does affect the household bottom line. Do not be so short-sighted that you think it is only about you. Once you said “I Do” it is no longer “ALL ABOUT YOU”.

Definitely one for the library:

I did not know about this movie until I was doing some research and very glad that I found out about this movie. Favorite actors and actresses Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson, Owen Wilson and Michael Douglas are the main characters for this movie. I will be brief in my summary.

Kate Hudson whose character is Molly prepares to marry Carl who is played by Matt Dillon. Carl works for Molly’s father, Bob who is Michael Douglas. Carl’s best friends Neil and Dupree, played by Owen Wilson have been with him through everything in his life. Of course they are in his wedding and Dupree is his Best Man. Upon returning from the honeymoon, newlywed life begins with some interesting issues that can impact a marriage such as the place of friendship, parenting, money and employment. This is a must see movie for engaged couples and newlyweds.

Money Implications:

1) Accept yourself for who you are and do not let the parents of the spouse make you feel inferior. Those feelings affect your job, relationships and your marriage.

2) Maintain your friendships within your marriage but not at the expense of your marriage. There is no rule that says once you are married you have to get rid of your friends. CAUTION:  Be careful if you are a husband and has a single female friend or vice versa if you are the wife and have a single male friend. Do not open that can of worms.

3) Know what your household income is and work your mutual financial plan. Establish mutual financial goals even while planning your wedding. Anyone outside of your household (this includes parents, grandparents) does not need to know what your income and expenses are unless you are seeking to establish a financial plan utilizing a financial advisor or planner.

4) Have candid talks with your soon to be spouse regarding finances, especially if they grew up in an affluent environment. The true financial picture of your marriage should be discussed before you walk down the aisle so they do not come into the marriage with unrealistic expectations based on their upbringing.

Observations:

Newlyweds must be comfortable in their marriage and relationship because when other factors present such as relationships with parents and best friends arise that may cause conflict, the newlyweds must stick together despite what parents and best friends think. Even though best friends have generally been around longer than the spouse, the spouse comes first. A true best friend will not place you in the position of choosing between them and your spouse.

WORD OF CAUTION: If one friend is saying this is not the person to marry, consider the source. BUT if EVERYONE is saying you should not marry this person, then you need to WAKE UP and be truthful. Do not marry a person that is not good for you just to get out of a) your parents’ home;  b) because you want to be married and do not truly love this person or c) for the money.

Recommendations:

1) Pay attention to how the bride is handling money while you are engaged and planning for the wedding. Listen to what they are saying and whether or not they are willing to compromise on wedding purchases and reduce costs. For example, if the bride comes from an affluent family and knows that her parents are paying for everything and is not willing to compromise based on the groom wanting to reduce or alleviate something, this could be a glimpse into what they will do once you are married.

2) Money cannot buy you love. Do not let your parents money and their thoughts about money and a mate dictate who you should marry.

3) Be true to yourself about who you really are and who you love. Do not get into the habit of pleasing people or you will end up unhappy.

Another movie that I cannot recall why I had not seen this one before especially since I am such a huge fan of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.  Really after Pretty Woman you think I would have been one of the first ones to see this but I had not seen this until recently. Almost embarrased to admit such. But I digress, let’s see if I can summarize it without giving too much away.

A journalist (played by Richard Gere) who is on deadline finds out about this “Runaway Bride” and decides to write about her without getting all of the facts. Okay I know from my brother having been a journalist, that is Journalism 101 – always check your facts before you run a story. The Runaway Bride (played by Julia Roberts) turns around and writes the newspaper and gets him fired. Journalist decides to do his fact checking a little late, after the fact by going to the town where the Runaway Bride is in order to clear his name. He befriends her family, friends and fiance. While the journalist is talking with the Runaway Bride’s father, he shares that he has all of her escapes via videotape and gives them to the journalist.  The father also comments on how he has paid for all of these weddings. Runaway Bride says she is paying for number four. Journalist believes she will not make it down the aisle to number four. The more he finds out about her…. Next question is does she make it down the aisle and marry number four or what does she do? You will have to watch the movie if you haven’t already to find out what happens.

Money Implications:

1) Considering her father paid for three weddings, I do not expect anyone to believe their parents will pay for a second wedding if the first one does not last. The expense of three weddings sure enough could put parents in debt.  

2) This bride has major premarital concerns and if the day of the wedding arrives and you continue to have questions, you should either delay the wedding or call it off. It does not matter what people will think – be true to yourself.

3) Realize that money is being spent for a wedding. Whether you are paying for the wedding or your parents are paying, money is being spent. Do not take it for granted that some of these expenses once you have spent the money there is not an opportunity to get the money back. If you have not begun to talk about finances, now is just as good as any time. Start talking about money for your marriage while you are talking about compromising on financial expenses for the wedding.

Observations:

1) The bride continues to panic as she is at the altar or approaching the altar. The father makes a joke about it but you can tell he is not necessarily happy about this situation. The bride says she is going to pay this time. It’s as if she almost has some guilt about these different attempts.

2) When the bride wants to purchase an expensive wedding gown, the lady at the dress shop does not want to sell it to her because she knows her past history with weddings and not making it down the aisle. She recommends she purchase something less expensive. The journalist steps in and says he will buy the dress. When choosing a dress, buy within your budget.

Recommendations:

1) Wherever you are in your relationship, six months to a year or even longer, start talking about money now. Three out of four married couples argue about money. It is not a written rule that you must become a part of that statistic. Talk about money in order to prevent financial stress in your marriage.

2) Be certain that the person you are about to marry is the person you love regardless of income, appearance or employment status. Let’s be honest, some of the cutest people or most handsome treat people the worse. People do not stay the  same age, size and could change jobs several times throughout marriage.

3) Do not lose your identity in becoming a wife. All to often women lose themselves when they become married, especially if their husband has some type of position. They get lost in being Mrs. XXX and then when he loses that position and/or becomes depressed or becomes upset then they too go through that same behavior instead of being strong and talking him through what happened and encouraging him to move forward. Instead the entire household is now depressed and cannot seem to move out of the slump they are in. **Part of what I saw was the problem with Maggie is she felt she could not be herself which incidentally cost her family in the long run.

It is soooo good to be back. I thought I would start this writing campaign off having loads of fun and giving a different look at things when it pertains to money. As a reader of Money Talk Matters, you should know by now that my approach is “not the norm” and it will look at things from a perspective you might not have thought of.

There is no reason that this post should be different. Let’s have fun. Look at the title: What is your M.M.O? Maybe you looked at that and said I have a HMO which is a health maintenance organization that provides healthcare or you have a PPO which is a preferred provider organization. At the end of the day, you had to choose your HMO or PPO or you chose neither one.

Are you curious as to what an M.M.O is? I am sure that many of you have heard of MO on different legal shows. This is what I want to ask you what is your Money Mode of Operation? When a money situation arise that you did not plan for – how do you handle it? Do you:
1) Get upset
2) Ignore it thinking it will disappear
3) Look at it and begin thinking of solutions
4) If you are married, do you blame the spouse
5) Fuss to friends about it hoping they will join “the pity party”

Think back to the last time you found out about a money situation that you did not know about. What was your response? Is this something that you would repeat or do you think you need to handle issues better?

Your Money Mode of Operation says a lot about who you are, how you handle money and what you think about money. If you are a person that does not like conflict, you should do everything that you can to make sure your finances are pretty much always in order.

If your Money Mode of Operation is to fly off the handle, scream to those around about the issue – know that at the end of the day, screaming DOES not solve the problem. As a matter of fact, it could create uneasiness to anyone that saw you “lose it”. Furthermore, the problem continues to remain and could grow to be an even bigger progblem later.

If you are Married and you do not know your Money Mode of Operation, I imagine your spouse does not either. It is time to sit down and begin talking about your finances. Establish financial goals with one another.

Know this, if you are not aware of your Money Mode of Operation begin thinking about it now. I am certain you will discover your Money Mode of Operation. After much thought, do you need to make an adjustment. I recommend you adjust where necessary and prepare yourself for your next money decision.

Good luck on finding out what your MMO is!

What is it going to take for people to wake up? My rant for this morning. As I was doing some reading on the internet I came across this article titled “The Friendship Marriage“. Alright so it alludes that when you think of a “Friendship Marriage” you think about two people who have not gotten married by their thirties, they are friends and agree to marry each other.

It goes on to say that many couples today are entering into a marriage where love is only one component of the marriage. Okay! Stop for a minute. Whether it is a “so-called Friendship Marriage” love has always been one of the components and not the only component. Marriage is what people CHOOSE and I do mean CHOOSE to make it.

Okay so it continues, “Companionship or friendship marriage is the joining together of two people who have successful careers, independent lives, strong friendships, and a “sense of self.”

Where is it written that if you get married for love that the people cannot have successful careers, somewhat be independent, have a strong friendship and a sense of self? Can someone please put this in the comments for me once you have read this post.

Here’s the kicker – They respect and have a love for each other, rather than “being” in love. WHOA! That paints a different picture. In my opinion, marrying for LOVE with someone that you can be in love with is a lot more fun. This person should be your best friend. Sounds like a friendship marriage is between two people that might not be able to handle a regular marriage with someone they would be “in love” with. Sure does make me think.

One thing this article in my opinion prides itself on is the fact that finances are disclosed and talked about. I could see them discussing it up front but I sure have to wonder how long these marriages would last. Thinking about this type of marriage, I see sooo many red flags.

I knew last night when I saw the story that said $2M wedding called off by NBA’s Jefferson that I would have to do some more research. In the story I read last night, he called it off in time for her to notify her friends, but his friends got to come out and party on him.

Glad I waited until today to write about it.

According to a NY Post story, he was quoted as saying, “If you aren’t 100% certain about something, you shouldn’t do it.” I commend him on seeing things for what it was and the fact that he was not doing this for people but for himself.

So many people get caught up in the wedding planning that the ignore obvious signs that should be addressed and then once they are married, it’s as if they are seeing the spouse for the first time. In reality, the person did not change it is just that the other person is now focused on this spouse and not “a wedding”.

Sure it might be hard for this young lady at first, but this could be the best thing for both. This gives them time to reflect on who they are as individuals before they enter a serious, committed relationship.

You can read more of the story here – NBA’s Jefferson married to the sport ’til death