Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

When my husband and I became engaged, we knew that we were destined to be together. Throughout our dating we had been talking about our past, previous people we dated, my husband’s previous marriages and what we were looking for in a partner. The discussion came up about whether or not, we needed to go to premarital counseling.

Brides and Grooms, I ask you today – what are your goals for premarital counseling? Look at the options below and you decide:

(1) To ensure you and your future spouse have the necessary skills to make your marriage work for a lifetime?

(2) Is it because everyone says you have to yet your heart is not in it?

(3) It is required by the church you attend to be married there?

What areas do you expect to discuss in premarital counseling? Compatibility, Communication, Goals or even finances? If you discuss those issues, how much time do you expect to spend talking about each?

Premarital counseling can be crucial to any relationship. I know that my husband and I did not attend premarital counseling because we were talking about everything even prior to our engagement. We had shared the positives and negatives about relationships we had, financial mistakes we made and what we looked for in a mate. We did not see a benefit to holding anything back.

One of the things I remember saying to him, was do not let anyone have information about you that I do not know about.  No one should walk up to me and tell me something about my husband trying to embarrass me or say I know something you don’t know. I don’t believe in MESS or DRAMA. He did not either.

Prior to marriage is a great time to talk about your finances, dreams and goals that you have. The more you talk you will discover this is someone ou can see yourself with for life or you cannot. Begin talking today.

I must admit when I saw this, my heart almost sank because it saddened me and gave me cause for concern. Why? Women all over the world think they are in love with men like this and there is a lot to think about before getting even more serious. I imagine this person already knows the answer to the question: Do I continue the relationship?

The first thing that I want this writer to know is this, you cannot ignore those red flags that are coming up in your spirit. Let’s be honest. You are already questioning whether or not you should continue this relationship for several reasons:

1) The man has debt from a prior marriage and a wedding which are two separate items. Sure the wedding debt is part of it but he has other debt. Yes, I heard that and read it without your saying it.  So you are already concerned that if the two of you get serious that he will not ever have any money.

2) Sure you love him and thinks he feels the same way, but is it enough? Well, more than likely if this has not alreadyhappened, you will end up paying for the majority of your dates or extra expenditures even before you get married if the relationship were to go that far.

3) I sense that you could easily become resentful if you are the only one that is coming to the table with money. The question is if he has all this debt, is he working and what is his game plan to pay off the debt? Before you heavily consider getting married, you need to ensure that he has a realistic financial plan for cleaning up this debt (I recommend) prior to entering into another marriage.  The idea of him entering into another marriage with debt from a previous wedding sounds like toooo much pressure on a new marriage.

** Reason I say pressure is because when you think the money should be applied towards the new household (which you and he have), that money could be going towards his previous household.

4) What are the red flags saying to you? I imagine you are also not comfortable discussing this with anyone because you know what they would say. Be true to yourself. There is no reason to pretend because that only lasts so long. Furthermore, that could end up costing you more in the long run.

Ladies, before you go any further evaluate everything – your debt and his debt. What is his plan for paying off the debt which should not involve you? What is your financial plan for yourself. Money is very important and when you have a situation like this, do not avoid the discussion by any means.

Hmmm. This title came to me while I was writing a different post. Yes, this means it is for someone out there. There are many husbands and wives that throw in the marriage towel because of money challenges that present in marriage. Let me ask you a few questions:

1) Are you throwing in the towel because you are no longer willing to fight for your marriage? Marriage with two committed people does take work and it does not have to be hard like everyone says it is. People’s perception of marriage has gotten distorted based on what friends have experienced in marriage, family members in marriage, as well as co-workers. Recommendation: When it comes to your marriage, be honest with yourself – search deep down and ask yourself have you given it your best shot.

2) Can the financial issues not be repaired? Are there so many financial issues that you feel you have not options? If you feel that you have no options, did you take steps to consult with a financial counselor or advisor to get counseling on your specific situation. Or are you continuing to utilize your credit card and incur more debt thereby making the financial issues worse? Recommendation: Before you throw in the towel because you feel the financial issues cannot be repaired, be honest with yourself. What part of the financial issues that exist did you cause? They were not caused by one party – both of you are in this together. Second if the financial challenges got to be sooo difficult and you chose to move out (I didn’t say divorce) and get a place of your own, now you are incurring more bills. That did not solve the problem. As a matter of fact,  that creates a bigger financial problem for the marriage. Why? Because now you have chosen to live a separate life and incur additional debt. Question: Is that what your goal was when you decided to leave? Next question: What happens if you decide to work it out within your marriage and now you return with a new stack of bills?

  3) I cannot help but wonder, how many people entered into marriage without talking about finances. Then once they found out there was existing debt on a husband or wife’s part that was brought into the marriage, they are ready to throw in the towel. Recommendation:  Not meaning to sound harsh – this is how I see it. You have to a legal age to get married, which means you are an adult. I am sure a lot of couples had discussions prior to getting married that invooved money, yet they creatively skirted around the deeper issues that involved money that could have raised a red flag. Be honest with yourself, if you did not discuss money before and are starting to find out some not so pretty financial habits – take the time now to talk before you make any hasty, life long decisions.

Before you throw in the towel because of the pressure and stress, be honest with yourself about your role in your money and marriage.

I tell you what people need to stop coming up with these insane notions when it comes to marriage. I was doing my morning research before having class with the twins and came across this article – Does Marriage Make You Poorer? If you have been reading my blog for quite a while, you already know that I am not about the nonsense that continues to be spewed out when it comes to marriage, let alone Money and Marriage.

Let’s face it, marriage does not make you poorer. Furthermore, money does not do anything by itself. How people chooes to handle or mishandle money is what makes them richer or poorer. Then how their character changes because of money or a lack of money is what causes other situations in their lives and marriages.

If a husband and wife, discuss money openly on a regular basis, with mutual financial goals in mind, then their money and marriage is what they make. People need to understand money is not the only way that they can be rich, because there are a lot of MISERABLE rich people. Richness happens when there is a family that loves each other, enjoy spending time together and living life. Sure they could have financial challenges, but they discuss them and solve them together. One does not choose to throw in the towel because it is not a perfect world when it comes to finances.

Your money in marriage is what you make it. Do not let society dictate what your money in marriage is supposed to be today. Do not surround yourself with people that are jealous of your marriage and are telling you things to bring you into their world of misery. Take a stand for your marriage today like you never have before. Begin talking and making mutual financial goals in the present. It is a new chance to make better financial decisions.

This is a topic that I felt was worth writing about because it happens and it can be one reason that couples end up in divorce. When a husband will not share the money with his wife there is a reason behind it. Could even be more than one reason. Let me be clear, I am not saying this is right by any means what I want you to understand is the following: husbands and wives do not just keep money from each other for no reason.

In order to get to the root of the reason, consider these questions:

1) How long have you been married and has this been the practice the entire marriage?

2) If this was not the typical for the marriage, what took place in order for this to start happening?

3) If the husband is not sharing the money with the wife, does the wife have any means of income?

4) Are wives talking with husbands about the household finances? You could be discussing the finances without having access. Sure that could be cruel – begin talking.

5) This could stem from a previous relationship even though you are not that person. Therefore, if that is the case then sit down and talk with your husband about the household finances and establish mutual financial goals for the home. Furthermore, the message should be conveyed that you are partners and not enemies. You are on the same team. You will have to prove this to him which will come in the form of your managing the money appropriately.

Consider those to start with and begin talking with your spouse. Find out his reason for taking that stand and then forgive him. But you must know what the reason is first.

We have all heard that said in vows during many weddings that we have attended and some of you may have even said yourself. Bride takes the groom “For better of for worse, for richer or for poorer”. Those words are often said without any thought of that become the life of Mr. and Mrs. Wed.

Then when times get tough due to financial choices made, one party of the marriage wants to divorce because of finances. Listen, we have all heard the statistics that money is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I ask you, what happened to For Richer or For Poorer and For Better or For Worse? Did they not mean or did not give any thought to life happens? Sure, Life happens and situations happen but you are the one in control. It does not necessarily matter what the situation is but HOW YOU HANDLE the situation and come THROUGH it.

Let’s say for example a spouse loses a job and now the budget gets a little tighter, well that is okay. Couples must learn to work together and not treat each other as enemies. That husband or wife did not get up this morning and say I am going to go to work and do everything I can to lose my job. There are times it is not even their fault. Jobs have been cut due to the economy and for some companies hours have been reduced in order to sustain some companies. Either way, it was not your husband or wife’s choice that this happen at their place of employment.

A situation has presented regarding employment and what are the options you have in order to keep your household functioning accordingly? Get creative – be an optimist and not a complainer about your situation. Complaining has never solved anything and there have been times when complaining makes the situation worse. If your goal is to make the situation worse, then go ahead and complain. If your goal is to make it better, then start by changing the words that are coming out of your mouth. Become solution oriented and not a victim of what happened.

I would imagine even with financial challenges, deep down you still love the person. So financial challenges does not change that. Do not make decisions based on emotions. When you said your vows – you chose to say ” I Do” because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. Begin taking your vows seriously and talk with your spouse today.

I remember when this movie came out, I could not wait to watch. Now everytime it comes on tv, another that has me glued to the tube. Sanaa Lathan, Donald Faison, Wendy Raquel Robinson, Alfre Woodard, Taraji P. Henson, Mike Epps, Earl Billings and Golden Brooks are some of my favorite actors and actresses.

Corporate lawyer, independent woman that is not dating but everyone including her parents want her to finds love. Her friends tell her to try something new and do not worry about finding the “ideal black man.” Lo and behold she finds love in an unexpected place with a different package than she expected. Her friends set her up on a blind date with a landscaper and she is thrown for a minute.

She needs landscaping done and hires him to do it. He comes over to work on a weekend and discover that she is dressed in professional attire and comments. She shares that she has to go to work and is on target to become a partner. Before you know it, Kendra (Sanaa’s character) and Brian are spending more time together and she likes him.

Her family on the other hand has other ideas. This movie deals with race, money, parents and friends. I barely scratched the surface of this movie in my summary, grab your copy below if you want to know all the details.

Money Implications:

When it comes to your profession and you work in an environment where you might be the only person of your ethnicity, do not let it keep you from become successful and reaching your goals. Sure there will be people in the work environment that have a limiting mindset and could even talk down to you, utilize that as encouragement to press forward to success. Do not let their limitations stifle your earning potential.

Money Tip #1: You can settle for someone that makes the parent(s) happy but you will not be happy and could do things that would destroy your relationship. That comes at a price.

Money Tip #2: Stand by your beliefs even when completing a job, there is nothing greater than your integrity. If it makes the boss mad, so be it – be true to yourself and the facts.

Money Tip #3: Do not speak false information, you will be found out. This could cost you, your relationship and your job.

Observations:
Once she realized who truly was in her heart, she could no longer deny it and went after her man. Most of us know the truth pretty rapidly. Do not marry the wrong person because the money was spent or you were trying to save face. No noe will know the full story unless you choose to divulge it.

Stay true to who you really are and do not which I cannot stress enough get into the habit of pleasing your parents. Do not forsake your spouse for your parents.

Putting the parents before your spouse can destroy your marriage and relationship.

Recommendations:

(1) Be true to who you are and what your heart says.

(2) Keep an ongoing ledger or online tool to track your money. This will aid yo in the future if you have to remove something.

(3) Love is not about material things. It is fine to have material things but do not let material things have you.

(4) Race should not matter when it comes to love.

I must admit when my husband first bought this movie quite some time ago, I would not even watch it. Just looking at the front cover, it did not appeal to me. As I was going through movies on the shelf that I had not watched, I picked it up and read the back cover. Well, lo and behold seems like the kind of movie I would watch. Remember – you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith have been married for five or six years and they go to see a marriage counselor to discuss their marriage. They are describing their marriage on a scale of 1 to 10. Then the counselor asks them how they met and they agree it was five or six years ago in Bogata. He was standing in a bar watching what was happening. The bar tender told him that the police were looking for people traveling alone. They ask him if he was alone and he touches his ear as if to say repeat it. Then she comes running in and they ask her if she is alone. He speaks up and says no she is with me. They walk behind these doors and they introduce themselves. They spend some time together and shortly thereafter they are married. They both work never really disclosing to each other what they do. They leave home at the same time of day and she usually gets home first and prepare dinner. Both upon returning home places their wedding rings back on their finger without the other one knowing. This movie has lies, secrets, division, teamwork and more. You must watch this one to get all of the facts.

Money Implications:

Money can afford couples an opportunity to live a stress free life when the money is managed properly.

Observations:
This was a marriage filled with lies and secrets. Many marriages would not be able to continue once the lies and secrets began coming out. That is what is so interesting about TV – “IT’s TV – not all of it is based on a true story. Same thing with movies. Now you can learn from this, that you should not keep secrets and when you tell one lie, you usually have to keep on telling lies to cover up the truth. That is tooooo much work and unnecessary.

This marriage was built on lies from the start based on the part of the wife. The husband did not become aware until later. Imagine how he felt. If there are secrets you are keeping from your spouse today, I recommend you think about how you are going to Tell the Truth and come clean.

Recommendations:
(1) If you have financial secrets from your spouse, it is time to start revealing the truth. I imagine your goal is not to be alone because you got married. Secrets are one thing that can destroy a marriage.

(2) Do not live a secret life within your marriage. People can always sense when something is wrong and they could turn into a Private Detective until they discover what it is. That could end up costing you money and your marriage.

(3) Teamwork in marriage is important, especially when it comes to financial challenges. Remember you are on the same team, not opposites. Work together for the benefit and growth of the marriage.

(4) Yes you can have different financial backgrounds. If you want to see your marriage grow into financial oneness, establish one mutual financial goal and work on it together. Once you accomplish it together, then work on another.

(5) Do not let your friends (especially single friends) dictate your relationship with your spouse. Remember, Misery loves company.

If you have not seen this movie, purchase your copy below:

I was minding my own business this morning driving home from a meeting and this movie came flooding my mind. I thought to myself absolutely.

This movie included Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King and Della Reese. This movie has a couple of turns and twists in it – let me share without giving away the plot of the movie. Martin plays Darnell who is managing a night club, thinks he is a ladies’ man. His childhood sweetheart is Mia who had joined the military. His mom is Della Reese which I believe was perfect casting.

Darnell is working at the club and Lynn Whitfield whose character is Brandi is a very upscale, classy woman that comes to the club and steps out of a limousine. She has money, likes the finer things in life and of course, Darnell sees her as his ultimate challenge as a ladies’ man.

Just like boys, Darnell and some of his pals are making bets on how long it will take him to get physical with her. Initially Brandi rejects his attempts. Eventually he wins her over and that is when everything changes between Darnell, Brandi and Mia. Before you think you know what happened, trust me you don’t. You will want to see this movie – lies, relationships, money and more…..

Money Implications:
Just because someone has money does not mean they do not have their share of issues in life. Some could be financial and they could also be something else. If you have money and do not know how to manage money, you can get into financial trouble really fast.

Money Tip #1: Establish financial goals for yourself and your marriage and/or relationship with deadlines.

Money Tip #2: Character Mia was comfortable with who she was and she had goals for herself. Be true to yourself and where you are financially. Do not attempt to keep up with someone else. Do YOU!

Money Tip #3: Pay attention to how your groom is spending money when you are dating or during the engagement. Is he lavishing you with gifts and not paying his bills? That will cause financial stress in marriage. Make a note.

Observations:

We all know men like a challenge. Well some women do to. It is important that you keep the love alive in your marriage. Talk with your mate. Ask them about their job and what would they like to see happen in the household finances if you have not ever asked them the question. Husbands and wives alike want to be appreciated and not ignored or made to feel unappreciated.

Recommendations:
(1) Do not discount what you have thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You could be making a costly mistake.

(2) Work with your mate for financial independence and not against them. Be the best that you can be with that mate.

(3) Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it and discover it is not what you truly wanted.

(4) Pay attention and listen to what your spouse is saying. They are revealing information to help alleviate stress in the marriage.

(5) Establish your mutual financial goals and do not get distracted by other people’s opinion on what they think you should be doing.

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I must admit when this movie came out, I must have missed it in the theaters. Yet, about four months ago when I was watching TV, the title made me stop and watch. Love and Other Four Letter Words – let me be honest I know some four letter words that people dislike, so I thought to myself go ahead and watch it. Below is my brief summary.

TV Personality, Stormie wants to grant her dying grandmother’s wish that she be married. So she in turn talks with her assistant and they pay this gentleman to pretend that he is going to marry her. Stormie goes along with it as long as she can and she even talks with her childhood pal who is a minister. Stormie’s Nana calls and says she is coming out there. You must watch this movie to find out what happens in the end.

Money Implications:Being a strong, independent successful woman does not mean that you cannot enjoy life as well. The character Stormie in this movie was willing to pay someone and pretend to make someone else happy in her family but not be true to herself. Marriage is a serious commitment and should not be taken lightly.

Money Tip #1: Do not plot with friends in order to marry someone because of their money. Be true to yourself and who you love.

Money Tip #2: Being independent, career oriented does not mean that you cannot have a relationship if that is what you desire. As a matter of fact, kudos to you for knowing who you are and bringing assets to the marriage table.

Observation:
This person was all about pleasing her dying “Nana” no doubt, someone she would do anything for. Parents nor relatives wishes for us cannot dictate how we live. Sometimes parents are attempting to live through their young children (adults) and it causes more problems.

Recommendations:
(1) Being an independent person has given you the opportunity learn how to manage money on your own. Take those lessons into your marriage and establish mutual financial goals.

(2) Once you are married, learn how to relax somewhat and know that you do not have to carry the load all by ourself. You know have a spouse that you can depend on.

(3) Love can lasts for a lifetime. Make decisions based on facts not emotions.