Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘groom’

There are many brides-to-be and grooms-to-be that are dealing with one of their future spouses being broke and they are shouldering all the bills during the engagement phase and they are sick of it. It is not only because they are shouldering all the bills, furthermore, they are the one taking care of keeping the house clean, cooking dinner and more. Incidentally, this is beginning to wear on the one that is bringing in the income.

Newsflash – If this is what is happening when you are engaged and you are not expressing your concerns and talking about it, the same will occur once you are married. Notice I said if you are not expressing your concerns – not arguing, calling each other names, walking out and leaving things unresolved. None of those behaviors solve financial shortcomings. Let’s break it down.

When you are engaged and only one of you are bringing in the income – yes initially it seems okay but it will wear off in a short matter of time. Here is what you look at: 1) Does your future spouse have the initiative to change jobs or get a job if he or she is not working; 2) Do they also have bills and you are paying his or her bills in addition to yours and are you able to do it without falling behind on your bills; 3) It sends a message when he or she is not paying her bills during the engagement phase because what will they do when an emergency or situation happens once you are married?

Let’s take it here, what would your parents say if they knew your future spouse was not paying his or her bills and you were paying everything? If you won’t tell them, what keeps you from telling them and why? My purpose here is to show you this could be a red flag because people do not change once they get married. As a matter of fact, after a period of time they get comfortable and what you put up with for a certain period of time becomes acceptable and they do not expect they should change.

You can be sick of shouldering all the bills and are you going to TALK about it? What is it that you want to see happen in your finances while you are engaged and then let’s talk about once you are married. Because normally what happens while you are engaged gets carried over into the marriage. Set the right foundation now for financial and marital happiness not discord.

I was thinking that this week and everyday, let’s face it you should ensure that you are comfortable with talking about money with your bride or groom-to-be during the engagement. Money issues will happen during that first year of marriage that can literally tear the marriage apart and leave you both in divorce court if you both are not strong and secure in your relationship. Its not about whether or not you have been together for a really long time, its more about your level of communication and being a team.

There are a lot of brides and grooms that treat each other as if they are opponents instead of allies. What is the point of being married if you are going to be against each other instead of for each other. It will not take much to tear you apart if you have that mindset. Should you be discussing money on a regular basis during engagement? Yes. Why you ask? Because not only does it costs money to have a wedding (regardless of who is paying for it), you both have an opportunity to see how each one of you handles money.

Are you being cautious or a spendthrift? Are you staying within budget or going over budget every chance you get because you want the wedding of your dreams at everyone else’s expense. Make sure you are sending the right message and that you are not creating an environment of financial stress and strain even during the engagement.

Over the holiday weekend, I don’t know how I lucked out and found a “Say yes to the Dress” Marathon. Brides – PLEASE PLEASE stay within your budget and do not bring the other family members in to your financial challenges if you choose to go over budget.

I saw this episode, where the dress costs $25,000 and the family decide they were going to haggle with the sales lady to get this dress down to $12,000. It was unbelievable, of course there was no way they were going to see a $25,000 dress for half. So at the end it was $15,000 without the taxes and it was still waaay over budget. The bride was crying and the parents were biting the bullet. WAIT!!! They have not even paid for the wedding yet. This is just the dress. Hmmm, wonder what would have happened if the bride stayed within budget and thought about the rest of the wedding.

I will tell you right up front, if she went this far over just for the dress, this groom is in trouble. Does not bode well for the marriage in my opinion. Think about it when brides and grooms are planning a wedding and spending, this gives insight into how they will handle major expenses throughout the marriage. Don’t let the three words “I Want it” get you in trouble. Big difference between needs and wants.

Think I will save another observation on a different bride to a later time.

Brides and Grooms, if you are engaged and arguing about money step back and ask yourself, what are we arguing about? Let me pose these questions:

1) Are you arguing about one person overspending?

2) Is one person not paying their share of the bills?

3) Are you arguing about expenses that occurred before you became engaged?

4) Or is about the wedding expenses?

The four questions above might not even be the reason you are arguing. What you need to do is step back and begin talking about your financial situation that exist on both parties behalf. Why? If you are arguing before you get married, imagine what it is going to be like once you say “I Do.” The two of you are the same people and that will not change.

This means that both of you have to adjust your money management skills or learn how to manage money for the benefit of the marriage. Do not rush into marriage thinking that you can change each other. When it comes to money brides and grooms have to accept responsibility for their individual choices prior to becoming husbands and wives. Sure, the husbands and wives will sometimes end up dealing with the consequences of choices made by brides and grooms. What tends to help that situation is by being honest about your finances prior to saying “I Do” versus letting that spouse get blindsighted by money issues.

Remember, arguing does not solve money issues. What it does is allow people to point the blame, shop based on emotions, stop talking and much more. Do not fall into those patterns because it usually leads to more financial mistakes.

I had the opportunity the other night to watch Say Yes To The Dress for the first time and I cannot exactly say that I was surprised by what I saw. Since I had not seen it before I decided to sit through at least thirty minutes of the show and my husband and I talked about it.

This is a show where the bride-to-be goes to the dress shop with her family, bridesmaids, sometimes the grooms and begins the exciting task of choosing her dress. Well, this one particular episode that I was watching this young woman already knew what dress she wanted before she walked in the store because she saw it on someone that worked there and fell in love with this dress. Her budget for her dress was set at $5,000. I will reserve my comments on that one for later.

So the coordinator comes out and she speaks with her and shares with her about the dress she would like to try on this day. So this bride-to-be and coordinator go to the back and the dress is brought into the dressing room. She puts the dress on and it is absolutely stunning. She walks out where the family and friends are and they really like it as well.

Then she is told what the price of the dress is. She realizes it is over budget and the coordinator proceeds to recommend an alternative. Bride-to-be puts on the alternative dress which is nice and within her budget but she wants Dress #1. So she is now back in her regular clothes and asks to talk with her family for a few minutes.

Bride-to-be and family meet in this room and she tells them the dress is over budget and by how much. The family in turn decides they will help her pay for this dress that is 2xs over her budgeted amount. The coordinator goes to the manager of the bridal shop and say we need to help her get this dress.

When I saw this, it reminded me of when a salesman at the car dealership goes back and talks with the manager about the price. Then he comes back and says this is the lowest we can do. Same thing, the manager comes out with the coordinator and says this is the price we can give you. Mind you it still stays around 11k and she is excited.

Observation:

1) Brides – the budget is in place for a reason. The dress is going to be worn one day for a few hours.

2) I would have preferred seeing her put the additional money towards a down payment on a house or paying off existing bills. Let’s face it, more than likely one person is coming into the marriage with debt.

3) When she chose to go over budget, the family decided they would kick in. So is it her normal standard to go over budget for the things that she wants. If so, this groom is going to be in trouble fast.

4) Involving the family in financial affairs in a new marriage can present some problems. Proceed with caution.

When my husband and I became engaged, we knew that we were destined to be together. Throughout our dating we had been talking about our past, previous people we dated, my husband’s previous marriages and what we were looking for in a partner. The discussion came up about whether or not, we needed to go to premarital counseling.

Brides and Grooms, I ask you today – what are your goals for premarital counseling? Look at the options below and you decide:

(1) To ensure you and your future spouse have the necessary skills to make your marriage work for a lifetime?

(2) Is it because everyone says you have to yet your heart is not in it?

(3) It is required by the church you attend to be married there?

What areas do you expect to discuss in premarital counseling? Compatibility, Communication, Goals or even finances? If you discuss those issues, how much time do you expect to spend talking about each?

Premarital counseling can be crucial to any relationship. I know that my husband and I did not attend premarital counseling because we were talking about everything even prior to our engagement. We had shared the positives and negatives about relationships we had, financial mistakes we made and what we looked for in a mate. We did not see a benefit to holding anything back.

One of the things I remember saying to him, was do not let anyone have information about you that I do not know about.  No one should walk up to me and tell me something about my husband trying to embarrass me or say I know something you don’t know. I don’t believe in MESS or DRAMA. He did not either.

Prior to marriage is a great time to talk about your finances, dreams and goals that you have. The more you talk you will discover this is someone ou can see yourself with for life or you cannot. Begin talking today.

There are many married couples where one person in the marriage is taking care of the money and the other person has no knowledge of what is truly happening with the household finances. I like to say there is a group of people that are managing money in marriage as a solo effort.

Solo means one. Doing alone. The problem with the solo effort is that the person in this position can get into financial situations where decisions need to be made that affect both the husband and the wife, not just one person. Marriage is the relationship that you are in and have; money is a facet of the marriage. It is important that both husband and wife participate in the financial facet of the marriage. You cannot put all of the responsibility on one person and then disagree with the consequences of the choices they made.

This solo effort can wind up making the person dealing with money feel soooo low that they cannot make an informed and educated financial decision. Yet the other person in the marriage has no idea what is truly happening with the finances until it is almost too late. If your marriage falls into this solo effort, stop it from continuing on this dangerous path and begin talking with your spouse today.

Inclusion is better than exclusion. When spouses are excluded from certain things, it can affect the marriage on a long-term basis. Do not put your spouse in the position of not knowing. Remove the solo effort today and include them in the household finances. You will not have to bear the burden of a lack of finances, late pays on bills and more on your own.

A united effort is better and produces better results. Don’t put all of the responsibility on one spouse. It affects both of you.

This is definitely a loaded post. When I saw it come in, I couldn’t help but think if you want to end up headed to divorce court, sure.  Why do I say that? Let’s be honest when a son or daughter marries, they are now the husband or wife of that person and that relationship has priority in marriage. That husband and wife will have enough issues of their own that need to be handled without bringing in a parent into it.

I do not think a parent should be handling the daughter and her husband’s money. That can pose problems for the husband and wife. The father could begin talking to the daughter about the expenses without the husband and insinuating different things. Then the daughter says something to her husband in a derogatory fashion. Now, not only do you have a conflict between the husband and wife, but also the husband and the father-in-law.

I believe it is okay if the parent would like to make suggestions based on information shared with them, that is one thing. But for the parent to be managing the money of two grown adults – not such a good idea. If the husband and wife need financial guidance, then they should consult an unbiased third party that will focus on the best interest of the marriage.

Now you see why I said sure, if you want to be on the journey towards divorce. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. There is no need to add a parental relationship that focuses on the husband and wife’s money to really muddy the water and put relationships on edge. Imagine what would happen to the husband or wife? Now they are stuck in the middle and it is a no win situation either way. Think long and hard before doing this.

Money is an important topic when it comes to engagement and marriage. This is yet another anonymous question that came in from a soon-to-be groom. What do I do, my fiance does not share her support of expenses? Heavy duty topic which can lead to an uneasy discussion but this should be talked about.

I would imagine this groom-to-be is not the only person that is dealing with this issue. First, how long has your fiance not been willing to share in his or her support of expenses? What people fail to realize is this, if their is a certain behavior that is exhibited that you do not agree with yet you remain silent, then it is perceived in the other person’s mind as accepted or agreed upon. Therefore, for example if the fiance has not ever shared in her support of expenses, then it will take some doing to change that behavior.

Next, I would recommend that you sit down with your fiance and begin talking about the money matters more in depth than you were before. This clearly should raise a red flag that the does not share her support of expenses. Why is that? Are some of the expenses hers? Are these wedding expenses? Also are these needs or wants? These are definitely questions that you need to sit down and discuss now. Why? You are headed down a road of pointing the finger and blame if one person does not agree with financial expenses that are happening in the marriage.

You cannot look at this one sided and place all the blame on her. Be honest with yourself because deep down you know what the reason is. Do not be in denial. Both of you need to take responsibility and discuss your finances openly. What are the mutual financial goals for the marriage? What debt is being brought into the marriage by the husband and the wife and so much more. Do not avoid having these discussions or you could be setting your marriage up for financial stress unnecessarily.

Financial secrets upon being revealed can divide a marriage. Begin talking with your fiance today about the expenses.

Last night I received this question from a colleague via my facebook page. Yes, I am on facebook as well. This is the exact wording – I still find so many do not discuss money before they get married. Why is that? What are your thoughts? It is such a vital topic that people seem to avoid for one reason or another.

I kept thinking about it last night and decided to write on it today. Money has been labeled that “taboo” topic. However, people are beginning to talk about it because of what has happened with the economy. Most of the ones that are discussing it though are already married. The effect of the economy when it comes to brides and grooms are discussing how to have their dream wedding for less. There are couples that are even going so far as to ask their guests to pay for their wedding. Mind you, some of those couples are getting married for the second time and I have clear views on that, but I digress.

Below are some of the reasons I know people are not talking about money before marriage:

1) Fear – Afraid if they tell their soon to be spouse about their financial mistakes, they will break off the engagement or wedding. Result: Other financial mistakes occur while you are not sharing about the initial ones.

2) Secret – Believe if they can just get beyond the wedding day, then they will be the ones to manage the money and their spouse will not find out. Result: it does eventually come out and can lead to arguments and trust being removed.

3) Caught UP in the Wedding Day – Both the bride and groom are so “caught up” in the wedding day, they do not even think to talk about money. Result: as soon as the honeymoon is over and the other one finds out about their debt, the arguments begin, distrust occurs and much more.

4) Denial - Don’t discuss money because they think they have a handle on everything. Result:  As soon as that unexpected financial expense happens, they don’t know what to do. Usually turn to mom and dad instead of each other.

5) Want to be a statistic – By not discussing money before marriage, couples are choosing to go down the path of potentially becoming a divorce statistic. Getting divorced because of money.

6) Don’t soon to be spouse to they are a shopper. This way they can walk down the aisle and then attempt to curb it initially and then revert back to their trueself.

7) Lack of trust. They do not trust the person when it comes to money based on past baggage with someone else, so they are not even willing to open that door.

Those are some of the reasons people would not discuss money before marriage. I don’t agree with them because at the end of the day, all of them could lead to divorce court.

What do you think?