Money Talk Matters – Bride and Groom Money Talk©

How many Brides and Grooms would rather their guest give the money, chip in for the honeymoon and skip the gifts altogether? Hmm, apparently according to an article I read this morning 45%. That is almost half. Money for the Wedding, should the bride and groom ask? Personally, I don’t think they should be asking for money. They should have a registry with various items that are needed to start their life of marital bliss. If a guest chooses to give them money, it should be that guests choice but not a recommendation nor a requirement by the bride and groom.

I’m very familiar with the dancing at the wedding for money which everyone is used to. But in this day and time if a bride and groom said to me we would like cash, it might lead me to wonder what financial issues they are dealing with? Furthermore they are planning on resolving it through wedding cash.

Brides and Grooms do not upset your guest by asking them to give you money. There would be some that could easily get offended by this. When you are planning your wedding, why not think about planning it on your budget and if your parents happen to contribute then consider that gravy.

Brides to be: ALERT – We all know the statistics and I am going to remind you what they are:
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

Three out of four married couples are arguing about money since the recession.

One in three marriages deal with financial infidelity

If your fiance does not pay his share of the bills that you are creating together prior to marriage, be “CAUTIOUS”. Why, let’s lay the cards on the table:

(1) Why is he not paying his share? Is it because he just does not want to?

(2) Can he not afford to? He could afford to create them with you.

(3) Is he blaming these bills on you?

This is not a time to ignore the fact that he does not want to pay his share. Is this a pattern and will this be what he does once you are married? There are clear signals that people are ignoring every day in order to walk down the aisle. Then they get divorced because of issues that arise such as money, when they did not talk about it in the first place.

Brides to be (and grooms) – pay attention to what your soon to be spouse is doing with the money prior to your getting married. Don’t just focus on the wedding plans – but look at how they are paying their own bills, are they even talking about it or being silent, what are the parents role in their bills if any and much more.

You do not want to come back from the honeymoon to discover debt beyond your imagination and have regrets. Life is to be enjoyed not dreaded.

Begin talking about money today. One way you could spark the conversation is to tell him about a financial situation that you are dealing with and see if that encourages him to open up about his own financial situation. Nothing too heavy but enough to let him know that you trust him and want to include him in decisions you are making.

Start talking before you come home to the pile of bills.

Last night I received this question from a colleague via my facebook page. Yes, I am on facebook as well. This is the exact wording – I still find so many do not discuss money before they get married. Why is that? What are your thoughts? It is such a vital topic that people seem to avoid for one reason or another.

I kept thinking about it last night and decided to write on it today. Money has been labeled that “taboo” topic. However, people are beginning to talk about it because of what has happened with the economy. Most of the ones that are discussing it though are already married. The effect of the economy when it comes to brides and grooms are discussing how to have their dream wedding for less. There are couples that are even going so far as to ask their guests to pay for their wedding. Mind you, some of those couples are getting married for the second time and I have clear views on that, but I digress.

Below are some of the reasons I know people are not talking about money before marriage:

1) Fear – Afraid if they tell their soon to be spouse about their financial mistakes, they will break off the engagement or wedding. Result: Other financial mistakes occur while you are not sharing about the initial ones.

2) Secret – Believe if they can just get beyond the wedding day, then they will be the ones to manage the money and their spouse will not find out. Result: it does eventually come out and can lead to arguments and trust being removed.

3) Caught UP in the Wedding Day – Both the bride and groom are so “caught up” in the wedding day, they do not even think to talk about money. Result: as soon as the honeymoon is over and the other one finds out about their debt, the arguments begin, distrust occurs and much more.

4) Denial - Don’t discuss money because they think they have a handle on everything. Result:  As soon as that unexpected financial expense happens, they don’t know what to do. Usually turn to mom and dad instead of each other.

5) Want to be a statistic – By not discussing money before marriage, couples are choosing to go down the path of potentially becoming a divorce statistic. Getting divorced because of money.

6) Don’t soon to be spouse to they are a shopper. This way they can walk down the aisle and then attempt to curb it initially and then revert back to their trueself.

7) Lack of trust. They do not trust the person when it comes to money based on past baggage with someone else, so they are not even willing to open that door.

Those are some of the reasons people would not discuss money before marriage. I don’t agree with them because at the end of the day, all of them could lead to divorce court.

What do you think?

Your daughter is engaged and the wedding plans are in full force. For some of you the wedding is happening relatively soon and you continue to charge this and pay cash for that so your daughter can have the wedding of her dreams. Regardless of what the economy is doing, wedding are happening throughout the United States and worldwide.

 You want this to be a day she remembers for the rest of her life. Are you prepared to protect your wedding investment or throw your money down the drain? Think about this, we have all heard money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Do you realize that the BIGGEST marital expense of them all is divorce?

 Now that I have your attention parents, do something that is not the norm when it comes to paying for weddings. I’m talking about protecting your wedding investment and include life skills for your daughter’s marriage. When young women are getting married, their main focus is on their wedding day because they have dreamed about it for years, yet they do not think about what happens after the honeymoon.

 I have talked with different parents over the last few months in various settings and they ask me what do I do? When I share with them that I am a money and marriage advocate, I teach couples how to communicate about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. Their immediate response is, “I wish you had talked to my daughter before she got married.”

 Have you felt like this as you have watched your daughter plan the wedding and spend your money? So how do you protect your wedding investment? Give your daughter financial skills that she can utilize throughout the life of her marriage. It does not have to be intrusive nor judgmental but in essence a tool that says this is an area where most couples struggle and have limited financial knowledge. Therefore, as your parent that wants to see your marriage succeed, I am giving you this gift of financial education that will keep on giving.  Once you learn how to talk WITH your soon-to-be groom about money throughout your marriage and financial challenges you may face, you can handle anything.  

 Of course you could say, she is an adult and knows how to manage money. Are you thinking that or do you know 100% that she is a good money manager? If there is any doubt, get her Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar today which was created by Dr. Taffy Wagner, of Money Talk Matters, LLC. This financial education program can be purchased through  this site, www.MoneyTalkMatters.com .

At the beginning of this week, I talked about “The Price of Infidelity” on Money Talk Matters on GLORI radio because I felt it should be addressed. I frankly got tired of reading about this or that politician who was caught being unfaithful to their spouses.

The “Price of Infidelity” does not just affect the man and woman involved, it affects the spouse(s), children – regardless of age, extended family members, residence, employment, community and more.

The “Price of Infidelity” is not a price people can actually afford. From all the different stories I have read, in my opinion it seems people are being very short-sighted when it comes to “choosing to be unfaithful”. The ramifications of infidelity are huge, can be long-term and sometimes disastrous.

I encouraged engaged couples and those soon to be married, if you are talking about money and I strongly encourage you to do so and if you find out something that you just cannot handle to walk away now. As a groom or bride-to-be, it is important that you remain true to yourself especially in knowing what you can and cannot handle.

It is better to walk down the aisle knowing you have discussed the financial background on both sides instead of being surprised by bills when you return from the honeymoon.

I did not know about this movie until I was doing some research and very glad that I found out about this movie. Favorite actors and actresses Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson, Owen Wilson and Michael Douglas are the main characters for this movie. I will be brief in my summary.

Kate Hudson whose character is Molly prepares to marry Carl who is played by Matt Dillon. Carl works for Molly’s father, Bob who is Michael Douglas. Carl’s best friends Neil and Dupree, played by Owen Wilson have been with him through everything in his life. Of course they are in his wedding and Dupree is his Best Man. Upon returning from the honeymoon, newlywed life begins with some interesting issues that can impact a marriage such as the place of friendship, parenting, money and employment. This is a must see movie for engaged couples and newlyweds.

Money Implications:

1) Accept yourself for who you are and do not let the parents of the spouse make you feel inferior. Those feelings affect your job, relationships and your marriage.

2) Maintain your friendships within your marriage but not at the expense of your marriage. There is no rule that says once you are married you have to get rid of your friends. CAUTION:  Be careful if you are a husband and has a single female friend or vice versa if you are the wife and have a single male friend. Do not open that can of worms.

3) Know what your household income is and work your mutual financial plan. Establish mutual financial goals even while planning your wedding. Anyone outside of your household (this includes parents, grandparents) does not need to know what your income and expenses are unless you are seeking to establish a financial plan utilizing a financial advisor or planner.

4) Have candid talks with your soon to be spouse regarding finances, especially if they grew up in an affluent environment. The true financial picture of your marriage should be discussed before you walk down the aisle so they do not come into the marriage with unrealistic expectations based on their upbringing.

Observations:

Newlyweds must be comfortable in their marriage and relationship because when other factors present such as relationships with parents and best friends arise that may cause conflict, the newlyweds must stick together despite what parents and best friends think. Even though best friends have generally been around longer than the spouse, the spouse comes first. A true best friend will not place you in the position of choosing between them and your spouse.

WORD OF CAUTION: If one friend is saying this is not the person to marry, consider the source. BUT if EVERYONE is saying you should not marry this person, then you need to WAKE UP and be truthful. Do not marry a person that is not good for you just to get out of a) your parents’ home;  b) because you want to be married and do not truly love this person or c) for the money.

Recommendations:

1) Pay attention to how the bride is handling money while you are engaged and planning for the wedding. Listen to what they are saying and whether or not they are willing to compromise on wedding purchases and reduce costs. For example, if the bride comes from an affluent family and knows that her parents are paying for everything and is not willing to compromise based on the groom wanting to reduce or alleviate something, this could be a glimpse into what they will do once you are married.

2) Money cannot buy you love. Do not let your parents money and their thoughts about money and a mate dictate who you should marry.

3) Be true to yourself about who you really are and who you love. Do not get into the habit of pleasing people or you will end up unhappy.

Brides walk down the aisle to join their groom and say the long awaited “I Do” to each other for a ceremony that they have dreamed about for a long time. The wedding day is such a build up – the flowers, caterers, wedding party, and all that goes into it. Then once the wedding is over and the bride and groom return from the honeymoon, reality sets in.

A new chapter in their lives and if this has not been discussed, debt begins to rear its ugly head. A sure way to start a marriage off on the wrong foot is to start out with debt and not having discussed existing debt being brought into the marriage. The honeymoon is truly over because financial challenges can lead to arguments, fingerpointing, silence and even the husband or wife now talking with friends about their financial problems.

I am sure people need to vent every now and then. What I am saying though is you need to have the “Money Talk” with the spouse in order to develop a plan to pay things off. Talking with friends is okay but they are not in your relationship, nor are they going to pay your bills.

For those engaged couples that may read this, there is no reason to walk down the aisle without discussing money. Get The Wedding Bailout today and learn how to start the Money Talk for your marriage.

Before you even think about silently bringing debt into marriage, love that man or woman enough to be honest with them about your financial background and choices that you have made. Start by saying these choices I made occurred long before you and I became an item, let alone our walking down the aisle. I am not saying that I did everything right but I am saying I want to be open and honest with you before we walk down the aisle so there will not be any regrets.

Sure it appears to be the “NORM” to do this. But when did that become the norm and right? See, everything that appears to be normal is not right or the best way things should be handled. Just like “Going with the Flow” just because something has always been done a certain way. Try this: Shake things up for a little bit and STEP out of the NORM.  TELL THE TRUTH – Set yourself free by opening up about your finances.

One of two things is going to happen – either the person that you love so much is going to love you enough and appreciate your sharing. Furthermore they will work through this situation with you. Or they will leave you because they could not handle it. I must ask you if they leave you was your relationship based on love?

Love is a choice and not an emotion. No, they do not have to like the fact that you made financial mistakes. They should love you enough to be understanding and admit at this time their own financial mistakes without pretending to be perfect.

 The problem: People are so used to analyzing what the response is going to be before they even share what the concern or problem is. If they analyze it and do not like what they think will be the response, they continue to remain silent and the problem gets bigger and bigger.

Shake things up today – Reveal that you have debt prior to walking down the aisle.

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white.  Behind her comes a building that represents her college debt that the groom does not know about.  Continue seeing her in your mind because behind that building is a car that represents her car payment. Did you know that she had a car loan that she is actually upside down on? Hmmm it’s not to late to start the “Money Talk.”

As you continue you seeing your bride trying to make it down the aisle, behind the car are several department stores where she has charged various items on her credit card. After dragging this baggage down the aisle for 25 minutes, she stands at the altar waiting to take her vows and commit to you.

If you did not realize this until now, both of you will bring money baggage and financial mistakes into your marriage. If you choose not to discuss them until after the honeymoon, it could cause for uneasiness from the start. You might want to read about Hidden Debt Revealed after the Honeymoon.

Money baggage can cause stress, division and personalities to change when the baggage gets revealed. If you are reading this and you are the bride or groom, picture your soon-to-be wife or husband standing there with all those items behind them at the altar.

Begin the Money Talk today. You can get your copy of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At Altar via the products page.

June is the beginning of “Wedding Season” and excitement is in the air for so many. Wedding dresses, bridal showers, bachelor parties all leading up to the moment you are standing before each other with a room full of people watching getting ready to take your vows.

Both of you wil say “I Do” and the officiant will say, I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. Pictures will be taken and the reception will be in full swing. The next thoughts will be of the honeymoon. Within two weeks of the honeymoon it starts… you begin seeing bills and more bills coming in the mail that you didn’t know about.

You feel puzzled but then discover within your marriage there exists hidden debt. Whether you are the bride or groom, when hidden debt is revealed it is time for MONEY TALK now. Before you even think you want to point the finger, let me caution you. If you chose not to discuss money prior to saying “I Do”, both of you are to blame.

Money Talk is a conversation that continues throughout the course of marriage. It is not a one time discussion. Now that both of you are aware there is hidden debt, the following are steps you can take to begin the conversation:

Step 1: Both of you need to forgive each other for not talking about existing financial obligations prior to saying ” I Do.”

Step 2: Agree that you will be honest and share about your existing financial obligations and not judge each other for choices that you made before you became husband and wife, although both of you will have to agree on how to handle it.

Step 3: Each person takes a turn and share what their financial obligations are independent of each other.

Do not be the bride or groom who decides because hidden debt is now revealed you want to bailout. That is not the answer. If you would like assistance with learning how to talk, send me an email. Let’s talk.