Posts Tagged ‘husband’
What a fun conversation we had this morning as we prepared to get our day started. We started out talking about the Marriagechat on Twitter last night. What were the discussions, the interaction and was it well attended. I was sharing how the chat went with questions from why do couples not talk about money, to prenup, to do you go into debt for a child’s college education and more. My husband was all into this because we used to be independent career and college counselors for juniors and seniors in high school. He was all over that question. Did I say this and what about that? We talked about the prenup question because I used to be of the mindset that if you have a prenup you are preparing for divorce and that changed within the last couple of years. There are certain times when it should be in place and other times when it is not necessary.
Then we also went back and talked about the interview on Looking My Spouse radio and some of the questions that came up in the chatroom. We talked about the question was I upset when he was unemployed. So I discussed how after we got out of debt, we planned our household on one income in case anything were to happen. Also what a GREAT move that was.
We also talked about child support and whether or not there should be a joint account or separate accounts. Then I shared with him what TheGarterBrides said last night during the Twitter Chat about marrying a person with a child. Conversation this morning was loads of fun and we could have talked all morning long. With us having gone through a lot when it comes to finances in our own marriage, we do not hesitate to talk about different situations and how we would handle them.
One of the tasks I woke up with was writing back to Ronnie and Lamar Tyler the host of last night’s twitter chat and sharing with them more about college and the financial game. My mind was still racing from the chat and I wanted to make sure that I wrote everyone back that asked questions that I didn’t get to last night.
Money and Marriage Lessons for Today:
1) You can continue to learn about money and marriage no matter how long you’ve been married.
2) Talking is key for the success of money and marriage. It is an ongoing conversation.
3) There are times when I will stop and call my husband during the day to confirm information that we both know when it comes to money. He will remind me about something in addition to what I remember. Don’t forget that your husband should be a resource and/or a cheerleader for you AND vice versa.
Money and Marriage Encouragement for Today: Enjoy the process of learning more and more about each other when it comes to money and marriage. Like a fine wine it gets better with age when given the proper attention and care!
Finances is a loaded issue for any marriage whether you are engaged, newlywed or married for a long time. It is loaded for several reasons:
(1) We bring our own preconceived ideas into the relationship about money;
(2) We bring past experiences from other relationships into it (good, bad or indifferent)
(3) We also bring our dreams of what we would like our lives to be when it comes to money
(4) We also try to live up to what other people think we should be doing with our money in our marriages.
When you look at those and you add being married to that component – it may even seem like a “double whammy”. Each of those 4 components above applies to each person in the marriage. Therefore, because it is a loaded issue IT WILL require work and involvement on the part of both the husband and the wife.
When it comes to money and marriage, sure one person may manage the money; however it requires both people to be involved in order for their to be peace in the marriage about how money is being spent, how bills are being paid and financial plans for the future.
In your immediate surrounding between your family and friends, marriages that go the distance are those where they talk about the money. I didn’t say argue – they talk about the money, have a plan and work it together. They realize they are on the same team and not against each other.
This morning on The View, Whoopi said I love the Wedding day, its the day after I have the problem with. That has been in my head all day because I believe there are many that fall into this category.
How many brides should we say are sooo excited about their wedding day and then when they return from the honeymoon its post-nuptial withdrawals? Planning their wedding, meeting with the wedding planner, caterers and such was fun and busy. Once they return from the honeymoon… its quiet.
I think so many are focused on the wedding, yet they forget to plan, prepare and prevent unnecessary issues when it comes to marriage. Plan how you want your marriage to unfold, prepare for merging money in order to prevent blowups regarding financial stress. Of course there is more to it than that, yet that is a place to start especially since there are a lot of financial challenges that can arise in the first year that really tear a marriage apart.
When newlyweds start out with marital debt, it makes it very hard to nurture and enjoy the relationship instead of arguing about the money and pointing the finger which more than likely will happen.
To prevent wedding day blues, talk with your soon to be spouse about what you want your marriage to look like, how you want the finances handled and what are mutual steps you can agree to take in order to prevent stress on the marriage.
I want to share today a firsthand account of “The Marriage Fishbowl”. The marriage fishbowl just doesn’t apply to people in high profile offices, but it also applies to people in ministries, certain high profile atheletes and much more.
I remember when my husband and I were dating, there were people in my class at the time that did not like us being together. It happens and I am sure some of you can relate. We represent happiness and true love. Not judging someone based on appearances and other people’s opinion.
At the time we were dating, I was attending ministry school. We got engaged while I was in school and married about two months prior to graduation. There were people that were watching our every move – did he treat me well, how do they act in pubic and etc. Some went so far as to say we would not make it. There was at least one or two other couples that formed based on our relationship because they felt our marriage had given them the green light to marry outside of their race. My husband and I knew that GOD brought us together so we were not marrying each other out of rebellion to our parents or anything of that nature.
So we felt like we had been in the fishbowl. In a few months we will be celebrating 14 yrs of marriage. We have an unconditional love and are both givers. That definitely makes all the difference in the world.
It does not take being The First Family to be in “The Marriage Fishbowl.” More than likely it is happening right there in your own community.
This is a “hot topic” that I continue to see needs answering. Should parents give married “GROWN” children money. Let me say upfront there are a lot of different factors and I am going to discuss them right here. Because LIFE happens and the answer can vary. Take the time to read this and decide what applies to you or what will you do when your children are grown and married.
First situation: I think it is acceptable for parents to give grown married children money if they are in an emergent situation. It was unexpected, they are not bad money managers but an unexpected sitation has happened. Also as long as the husband and wife, both know the parents gave the money. This does happen and can happen.
Second situation: Parents are loaning their adult child money without the spouse knowing it. This is primarily when the spouse is complaining to parents about their spouse. So the parents are almost taking sides and encouraging separation in money and marriage by their actions. Do not even pretend it does not happen because it does. Parents do not insert yourself in the middle of a husband and wife financial issues. They have to learn how to talk with each other (not argue) and work out their differences. You are not in their home 24/7 and are getting one side of the story.
Third situation: Grown married children are taking advantage of their parents because they know they can. There are probably a husband and wife that are bad money managers based on their own background, then they run to mom and dad to bail them out of their financial troubles because they know they can without any remorse. This in itself makes for debt situations that can tear the marriage apart. What can also end up happening in this situation is that one set of parents become a bank and the other set of parents are almost ignored because they do not open up their wallets. Either way, all of this scenario is bad.
Caution for parents: When brides and grooms get married initially, they need to learn how to rely on each other. Not run to you to bail them out at the first sign of financial stress.
Brides and grooms: Do not go to your parents and speak negatively about yout spouse and money. Once you paint a picture of negative and uncooperation, it is hard to change it back.
Very interesting this morning I came across this article discussing Research shows Career Women make Bad Wives . Of course the title caught my attention and I had to continue reading.
This article is discussing another article that was written by a Forbes Executive in 2006 that said Don’t Marry a Career Woman. His article suggested the career woman is more likely to divorce, not have children and more. Does talk about Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Oprah, Martha Stewart and more as highly successful women that are either single, divorced or childless.
I have not ever looked at that and find that to be interesting. When you have a marriage where both husband and wife are focused on their careers, children can be a part of it. A great component of marriage, career, parenting and all that it entails is balance, communication and goals. What each spouse would like for their marriage, careers and parenting dreams? I for one do not think you have to give up your career dreams in order to be a parent.
What are your thoughts about the career women and being a wife?
Since it has been a few days since I posted, I thought today I would write on wives, money and marriage not only because I am a wife, but also because money could mean different things to women. Money in marriage can also present different issues for women. For this reason I am going to share about an experience that I had early in our marriage as a wife.
I remember coming into our marriage with debt, not having a bank account and had not started working. I mean this was within the first month or two of our being married. My husband would get up and go to work, I was finishing school and then would come home in the afternoon and work on his education consulting business. I began dreaming he was in an accident and I did not have access to any money. I was not on any of his accounts. The bank he had an account at refused to put me on his account because of my own bad debt. We didn’t necessarily have a problem with that. My focus was at that time though was if anything happened to him, I was up the creek. This dream occurred over and over again for about a week to two weeks.
Probably in that second week, there was a particular day when he came home from work and I could not take it anymore. We were best friends and I knew that I could tell him what was happening and we would come up with a solution. So I shared with him, how this dream had been literally haunting me and upsetting me that if something happened to him, I’d pretty much be in the cold. Mind you it was just the two of us, no kids at this point. He said, Babe I am so sorry you have been having a dream like that. Come on let’s go open us an account right now.
So we went to the bank where his business account was and opened a joint account that I could have access to. If I needed something during the day or whatever, then I could go to the bank and get the money I needed to take care of business. Let me preface this, he knew that I was not a shopper and would not spend because I had access.
Lessons you can learn:
(1) If one of you has bad credit and no bank account, the spouse should make sure the one without finances has access to money to take care of the household or some money for them.
(2) Do not hold back your thoughts or dreams when it comes to money and marriage. That dream was upsetting me and I am sure affecting other thoughts and decisions. Once I shared it and we handled it together, I never had the dream again.
(3) Trust is crucial in marriage, especially when it comes to money. It is imperative that you know your husband or wife when it comes to money. If I had been a different person sure I could have shopped it up as soon as he gave me access to his account. However, he already knew I was not that type of woman.
Wives, I understand we have our own issues when it comes to money and marriage. What would you have done if this was you? Weigh in!
This question came in and I wanted to get the comments started. Will a marriage break up if one person is willing to work hard to clean up the debt and the other one is not? Let’s jump right in and say, no it does not have to.
First and foremost when dealing with date, prioritize the date in order from the smallest to the largest. If you are not aware of all the debt you have, then order your credit report from one of the credit bureaus so you have an accurate picture of what your credit reveals.
Then once the reports are in, sit down and tak with your spouse about the household financial situation. Make sure that when you have this talk, all minds are clear and you are both focused on your financial picture for now and the future. You cannot begin the journey, if you do not know where you as well as where do you want to end up.
The person that is working hard to clean up the debt needs to get the other person involved. They can make a chart together and establish timelines to have this debt cleaned up. It is imperative that why you are in the cleanup stage new debt is not be creating by anyone. That defeats the entire purpose and cause even more issues.
Once all the debt is cleaned up it needs to be understood by everyone in the household that new debt should not be created. Ask the other person how did they feel knowing there was debt? What steps can you both take to in order to expedite the cleaning up process. Do not turn into the solo effort on this, it is not necessary.
There are many married couples where one person in the marriage is taking care of the money and the other person has no knowledge of what is truly happening with the household finances. I like to say there is a group of people that are managing money in marriage as a solo effort.
Solo means one. Doing alone. The problem with the solo effort is that the person in this position can get into financial situations where decisions need to be made that affect both the husband and the wife, not just one person. Marriage is the relationship that you are in and have; money is a facet of the marriage. It is important that both husband and wife participate in the financial facet of the marriage. You cannot put all of the responsibility on one person and then disagree with the consequences of the choices they made.
This solo effort can wind up making the person dealing with money feel soooo low that they cannot make an informed and educated financial decision. Yet the other person in the marriage has no idea what is truly happening with the finances until it is almost too late. If your marriage falls into this solo effort, stop it from continuing on this dangerous path and begin talking with your spouse today.
Inclusion is better than exclusion. When spouses are excluded from certain things, it can affect the marriage on a long-term basis. Do not put your spouse in the position of not knowing. Remove the solo effort today and include them in the household finances. You will not have to bear the burden of a lack of finances, late pays on bills and more on your own.
A united effort is better and produces better results. Don’t put all of the responsibility on one spouse. It affects both of you.
Iknow reading that title many of you are already thinking of what grade you are. I want you to read this post and be honest with yourself. Only you know what your money and marriage is about. Take the time to read through and be determined this day to make a change.
Grade A - You and your spouse openly and honestly communicate about money in marriage weekly if not several times a week. You have mutual financial goals set and are accomplishing those goals. No one person is bearing the financial burden. You and your spouse have dealt with financial challenges and survived them together without letting the stress of the financial challenges change who you are. You have learned that your love can conquer all and you work together as a team not as opponents. There is no pointing the finger in this grade, each accepts responsibility for financial mistakes and move on to solutions. Husbands and wives in this category have discovered what works best for them joint account or separate account or a combination of both. Have taken financial classes and also helped other couples.
Grade B – You and your spouse communicate about money about twice a month. One person is managing the money and makes sure the other one is knowledgeable about the finances. The person managing the money is bearing the burden of knowing immediately about the finances and tends to stress about it before talking with the other. There have been times when the money manager has been overwhelmed with the financial challenges and managed to get it resolved without including the spouse. When the money manager is overwhelmed it is evident that the personality changes which adds more stress to the marriage. Once it is resolved, returned to natural self. Will get financial help if they feel it is necessary.
Grade C - You and your spouse are not communicating about money until an unexpected emergency happens. Then you go into panic mode and operate out of desperation. Once the emergency is solved, you return to the same behavior of not talking about money. The person that is managing the money, pays some bills and not others hoping that the spouse does not find out. There are no mutual financial goals. One person begins to feel as if there needs are not being met due to a lack of finances. Want to get help but think you cannot afford it and that leads to more financial mistakes.
Grade D - You and your spouse found out that one of you came into the marriage with existing debt and doesn’t like it one bit. Furthermore, that person is a shopper. The silent treatment has set in because emotions have taken over because they had a different expectation for their marriage relationship than what is actually happening. The spouse without debt is not even sure if they are going to stay. Every day they think about it while at work and dread coming home because it makes them mad. This spouse without the debt is being driven by emotions and does not even want to look at what could be a solution. This makes the marriage very stressful and could also lead to health problems. There are thoughts of getting out of debt but embarrassment stops you.
Grade F – There is no communication on any level about money. There is no joint account – everything is separate. Both parties place the blame on each other which leads to no resolution. They keep ending up in the vicious cycle of debt. All they see is continuous debt and say to themselves why bother, not sure if this marriage is going to last anyway. Husband and wife came to the marriage with financial baggage and things are unraveling in a fast past. While the money issues are unraveling, the husband and wife are growing father and father apart. This couple is not thinking about money and marriage issues in any way, shape or form.
This post was designed to make you evaluate your money and marriage relationship. Are you talking enough? If you would like counseling or want the financial education program I created, send me an email via firstname.lastname@example.org .
Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.