Posts Tagged ‘husbands’
The topic of savers and spenders marrying continue to be a hot topic. I know firsthand that this is true even of my own marriage. I read an article a couple of days ago that was titled Why Savers and Spenders Marry . The author shares how her husband started a new job teaching in the fall and suggested he might need some new work clothes. She braced herself for a fight. To her surprise – she calls him Mr. Frugal, he agreed with her.
I know when I met my husband, he was a shopper to his heart. Believe me when I say shopper, I mean it seriously. One of the first things he asked me was to write down all of my sizes – clothes, shoes and jewelry. I must say this floored me because that had not ever happened. Mind you I did what he asked. Once we got married, he would shop for me. This was great because I HATE shopping. I love to shop for books (I am an avid reader) but not clothes. I don’t do Christmas shopping like most. I have to make my list of what I want, where it is at. Go in, purchase it and come out.
Okay, back to the post – so when we got married we agreed on a plan to clean up our debt. Within our plan we also decided to balance his spending and he agreed. So we established healthy boundaries in money management. So the shopper became conservative and saving. I believe that in every saver and spender their is a part of the other perspective in each. It just depends on what you would purchase. Because I turn into a shopper when it comes to books, however, for anything else I am a saver.
Husbands and wives, brides and grooms – open communciation and being honest about who you are is essential. If you are a shopper, you are a shopper. If you are a saver, you are a saver. Do not let that role cause you to live an unhappy marriage and life. Work together for common goals in the financial aspect of your marriage.
Since it has been a few days since I posted, I thought today I would write on wives, money and marriage not only because I am a wife, but also because money could mean different things to women. Money in marriage can also present different issues for women. For this reason I am going to share about an experience that I had early in our marriage as a wife.
I remember coming into our marriage with debt, not having a bank account and had not started working. I mean this was within the first month or two of our being married. My husband would get up and go to work, I was finishing school and then would come home in the afternoon and work on his education consulting business. I began dreaming he was in an accident and I did not have access to any money. I was not on any of his accounts. The bank he had an account at refused to put me on his account because of my own bad debt. We didn’t necessarily have a problem with that. My focus was at that time though was if anything happened to him, I was up the creek. This dream occurred over and over again for about a week to two weeks.
Probably in that second week, there was a particular day when he came home from work and I could not take it anymore. We were best friends and I knew that I could tell him what was happening and we would come up with a solution. So I shared with him, how this dream had been literally haunting me and upsetting me that if something happened to him, I’d pretty much be in the cold. Mind you it was just the two of us, no kids at this point. He said, Babe I am so sorry you have been having a dream like that. Come on let’s go open us an account right now.
So we went to the bank where his business account was and opened a joint account that I could have access to. If I needed something during the day or whatever, then I could go to the bank and get the money I needed to take care of business. Let me preface this, he knew that I was not a shopper and would not spend because I had access.
Lessons you can learn:
(1) If one of you has bad credit and no bank account, the spouse should make sure the one without finances has access to money to take care of the household or some money for them.
(2) Do not hold back your thoughts or dreams when it comes to money and marriage. That dream was upsetting me and I am sure affecting other thoughts and decisions. Once I shared it and we handled it together, I never had the dream again.
(3) Trust is crucial in marriage, especially when it comes to money. It is imperative that you know your husband or wife when it comes to money. If I had been a different person sure I could have shopped it up as soon as he gave me access to his account. However, he already knew I was not that type of woman.
Wives, I understand we have our own issues when it comes to money and marriage. What would you have done if this was you? Weigh in!
Iknow reading that title many of you are already thinking of what grade you are. I want you to read this post and be honest with yourself. Only you know what your money and marriage is about. Take the time to read through and be determined this day to make a change.
Grade A - You and your spouse openly and honestly communicate about money in marriage weekly if not several times a week. You have mutual financial goals set and are accomplishing those goals. No one person is bearing the financial burden. You and your spouse have dealt with financial challenges and survived them together without letting the stress of the financial challenges change who you are. You have learned that your love can conquer all and you work together as a team not as opponents. There is no pointing the finger in this grade, each accepts responsibility for financial mistakes and move on to solutions. Husbands and wives in this category have discovered what works best for them joint account or separate account or a combination of both. Have taken financial classes and also helped other couples.
Grade B – You and your spouse communicate about money about twice a month. One person is managing the money and makes sure the other one is knowledgeable about the finances. The person managing the money is bearing the burden of knowing immediately about the finances and tends to stress about it before talking with the other. There have been times when the money manager has been overwhelmed with the financial challenges and managed to get it resolved without including the spouse. When the money manager is overwhelmed it is evident that the personality changes which adds more stress to the marriage. Once it is resolved, returned to natural self. Will get financial help if they feel it is necessary.
Grade C - You and your spouse are not communicating about money until an unexpected emergency happens. Then you go into panic mode and operate out of desperation. Once the emergency is solved, you return to the same behavior of not talking about money. The person that is managing the money, pays some bills and not others hoping that the spouse does not find out. There are no mutual financial goals. One person begins to feel as if there needs are not being met due to a lack of finances. Want to get help but think you cannot afford it and that leads to more financial mistakes.
Grade D - You and your spouse found out that one of you came into the marriage with existing debt and doesn’t like it one bit. Furthermore, that person is a shopper. The silent treatment has set in because emotions have taken over because they had a different expectation for their marriage relationship than what is actually happening. The spouse without debt is not even sure if they are going to stay. Every day they think about it while at work and dread coming home because it makes them mad. This spouse without the debt is being driven by emotions and does not even want to look at what could be a solution. This makes the marriage very stressful and could also lead to health problems. There are thoughts of getting out of debt but embarrassment stops you.
Grade F – There is no communication on any level about money. There is no joint account – everything is separate. Both parties place the blame on each other which leads to no resolution. They keep ending up in the vicious cycle of debt. All they see is continuous debt and say to themselves why bother, not sure if this marriage is going to last anyway. Husband and wife came to the marriage with financial baggage and things are unraveling in a fast past. While the money issues are unraveling, the husband and wife are growing father and father apart. This couple is not thinking about money and marriage issues in any way, shape or form.
This post was designed to make you evaluate your money and marriage relationship. Are you talking enough? If you would like counseling or want the financial education program I created, send me an email via firstname.lastname@example.org .
Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.
Hmmm. This title came to me while I was writing a different post. Yes, this means it is for someone out there. There are many husbands and wives that throw in the marriage towel because of money challenges that present in marriage. Let me ask you a few questions:
1) Are you throwing in the towel because you are no longer willing to fight for your marriage? Marriage with two committed people does take work and it does not have to be hard like everyone says it is. People’s perception of marriage has gotten distorted based on what friends have experienced in marriage, family members in marriage, as well as co-workers. Recommendation: When it comes to your marriage, be honest with yourself – search deep down and ask yourself have you given it your best shot.
2) Can the financial issues not be repaired? Are there so many financial issues that you feel you have not options? If you feel that you have no options, did you take steps to consult with a financial counselor or advisor to get counseling on your specific situation. Or are you continuing to utilize your credit card and incur more debt thereby making the financial issues worse? Recommendation: Before you throw in the towel because you feel the financial issues cannot be repaired, be honest with yourself. What part of the financial issues that exist did you cause? They were not caused by one party – both of you are in this together. Second if the financial challenges got to be sooo difficult and you chose to move out (I didn’t say divorce) and get a place of your own, now you are incurring more bills. That did not solve the problem. As a matter of fact, that creates a bigger financial problem for the marriage. Why? Because now you have chosen to live a separate life and incur additional debt. Question: Is that what your goal was when you decided to leave? Next question: What happens if you decide to work it out within your marriage and now you return with a new stack of bills?
3) I cannot help but wonder, how many people entered into marriage without talking about finances. Then once they found out there was existing debt on a husband or wife’s part that was brought into the marriage, they are ready to throw in the towel. Recommendation: Not meaning to sound harsh – this is how I see it. You have to a legal age to get married, which means you are an adult. I am sure a lot of couples had discussions prior to getting married that invooved money, yet they creatively skirted around the deeper issues that involved money that could have raised a red flag. Be honest with yourself, if you did not discuss money before and are starting to find out some not so pretty financial habits – take the time now to talk before you make any hasty, life long decisions.
Before you throw in the towel because of the pressure and stress, be honest with yourself about your role in your money and marriage.
I tell you what people need to stop coming up with these insane notions when it comes to marriage. I was doing my morning research before having class with the twins and came across this article – Does Marriage Make You Poorer? If you have been reading my blog for quite a while, you already know that I am not about the nonsense that continues to be spewed out when it comes to marriage, let alone Money and Marriage.
Let’s face it, marriage does not make you poorer. Furthermore, money does not do anything by itself. How people chooes to handle or mishandle money is what makes them richer or poorer. Then how their character changes because of money or a lack of money is what causes other situations in their lives and marriages.
If a husband and wife, discuss money openly on a regular basis, with mutual financial goals in mind, then their money and marriage is what they make. People need to understand money is not the only way that they can be rich, because there are a lot of MISERABLE rich people. Richness happens when there is a family that loves each other, enjoy spending time together and living life. Sure they could have financial challenges, but they discuss them and solve them together. One does not choose to throw in the towel because it is not a perfect world when it comes to finances.
Your money in marriage is what you make it. Do not let society dictate what your money in marriage is supposed to be today. Do not surround yourself with people that are jealous of your marriage and are telling you things to bring you into their world of misery. Take a stand for your marriage today like you never have before. Begin talking and making mutual financial goals in the present. It is a new chance to make better financial decisions.
This morning after class with our twins, I was doing some research and discovered this article that is titled, Is One Month Into Dating Too Soon to Get Hitched? Of course as suspected, this article is talking about famous people tying the knot after one month of dating. Then it goes on to share the pros and cons.
I started thinking about is there an approved dating period before marriage? Truly there are some people that get married in a short period of time after dating because they just know they have found their best friend, soul mate that they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Let me share my own example, many many years prior to meeting my husband, I had two serious relationships where one lasted for four years and the other was three years. Neither of those led me to walk down the aisle saying “I Do” and believe me every day of my life, I am truly thankful for that. There was waaaaaay to much drama in each.
But when I met my husband, we only dated for six months and then we were married. We knew after three months of dating that we were supposed to be married. We spent lots of time talking about our pasts, things we did and what we would like to do. I am a very no nonsense type of woman – what you see is what you get. No time for pretending to be someone else.
Here is what I would have to say if someone is asking to get married after a month of dating or even a few weeks:
1) What is the hurry? Is there some information that you are about to find out that if you are married does not have to be disclosed? Is there some legal trouble they are about to get in and this would permit them to avoid it.
2) Is their financial gain on the other person’s behalf by doing it sooo fast? You have to be very careful when it comes to a “rushed” marriage when you haven’t known each other for so long.
3) Sometimes children are involved… enough said.
I am not saying that people should not get married. What I am saying is people should take the time to get to know each other and do not gloss over what could appear to be a “red flag” even while dating before moving on to walking down the aisle.
Marriage is a wonderful lifestyle and should not be entered into on a whim or because it is what everyone is doing. Take the time to date and have fun, it doesn’t stop once you are married to the right person.
Let me say right off I know this one is going to be loaded. When the question came in to my email, I thought to myself there are other wives this is happening to or vice versa. So let’s take it one step at a time.
Obviously the wife who wrote in anonymously found out after the fact. First question, how did she find out? Did she discover that money was missing from their joint accout? Or did he say, by the way honey a couple of weeks ago I loaned this friend some money?
I guarantee you the wife that wrote that sent that question in, is more than likely mad because he did it and she did not know about, may not even like the friend the money was loaned to and probably feels she cannot trust her man with their money because he will give it away to whomever he wants without talking with her about it as if she does not have a say so.
Money is a serious subject that cannot be avoided between a husband and wife. Husband and wives do you have an understanding about loaning money to friends, relatives or colleagues? If you do not, this is something that should be discussed beforehand. It will prevent the type of email I received.
When people lose trust in relationships, it is hard to get it back. It takes a lot of work. Then the question becomes did he really loan the money or give the money. Either way it is a serious discussion that must be had in order to prevent what the couple is dealing with right now in their relationship.
This is not saying you should not loan money, but husbands and wives should know what they agree on when it comes to loaning money, to whom and agreeing even on an amount that will not affect their household finances. Be careful, because you do not want to become a personal banker at the risk of your own marriage. It’s not worth the risk.
Last time I left you with the thought of if you were depending on God or your mate when it came to finances. I also said what is causing the divorce is deeper than money. We reference money as one of the top reasons for divorce but as I said before, money in itself cannot do anything.
When couples are arguing about money, they are arguing about 1) its mishandling – overspending and impulse buying which results in not having enough to pay bills or for other necessities; 2) an individual’s value system when it comes to money. Value system meaning your beliefs about how money should be handled, who should handle the money and what takes precedence when it comes to expenditures in the household. Value system is comprised of many factors especially when it comes to money – your environment, what you saw and experienced when you were growing up regarding money, your personal handling of money good and bad. All of these factors form your value system. So when your value system is challenged you react or respond a certain way.
Value system is big – so let me put it into perspective. For example, as a person that was raised by a single parent with little to no access to money, it would be within my value system to be very cautious about money, paying bills and making sure there is some left over. So it would not “feel good” to me to buy on impulse. Now from Married Christians perspective if you know that you are to pay your bills and you spend impulsively on a want versus a need and now you cannot pay your bills – the discussion is happening in a way you might not like.
So Married Christians may be divorcing and utilizing money as the reason but it is not the reason it is their value system being challenged. They have had enough. Money issues affect more than the husband or the wife, it affects their relationship, performance at work, if they have children (them as well), household bills and more.
Before you decide to file for divorce, think things through and be honest. Think about your actions when it comes to money and marriage – 1) What role did you play in this area that you believe has failed and 2) Did you have structure when it came to finances? Begin talking it out with each other to each other about money to see what you can do to make better decisions to sustain the marriage and time invested in each other than versus throwing away this union.
CAUTION: Do not wait until you are in Divorce court to find out about each other’s financial habits.
This is a topic that I felt was worth writing about because it happens and it can be one reason that couples end up in divorce. When a husband will not share the money with his wife there is a reason behind it. Could even be more than one reason. Let me be clear, I am not saying this is right by any means what I want you to understand is the following: husbands and wives do not just keep money from each other for no reason.
In order to get to the root of the reason, consider these questions:
1) How long have you been married and has this been the practice the entire marriage?
2) If this was not the typical for the marriage, what took place in order for this to start happening?
3) If the husband is not sharing the money with the wife, does the wife have any means of income?
4) Are wives talking with husbands about the household finances? You could be discussing the finances without having access. Sure that could be cruel – begin talking.
5) This could stem from a previous relationship even though you are not that person. Therefore, if that is the case then sit down and talk with your husband about the household finances and establish mutual financial goals for the home. Furthermore, the message should be conveyed that you are partners and not enemies. You are on the same team. You will have to prove this to him which will come in the form of your managing the money appropriately.
Consider those to start with and begin talking with your spouse. Find out his reason for taking that stand and then forgive him. But you must know what the reason is first.
As I was outside with our twins today, my mind was literally racing thinking about money in marriage. Remember the average human has 55,000 thoughts per day which means 2,292 thoughts per hour and 38 thoughts every minute. So I was burning up those 38 thoughts in the few minutes I was out there.
What was coming to me was husbands and wives often need financial help but think it is going to cost them more money then they have. Therefore, they choose not to get the help and their marital finances get worse. Costly choice. I remember making choices like that. I don’t know if you have heard the saying, “You don’t know until you know.” So if you are a husband or wife that needs financial guidance, what can you do? I want to propose several solutions to you.
1) If you do not know exactly what your financial situation is, take a deep breath and order your credit report from one of the credit bureaus.
2) Write down what you do know such as what are open outstanding late bills while waiting for that credit report to arrive.
3) Write down also what you know is the amount of income being received for the household and what are your expenses that must be met each month.
4) After doing those things, take a sheet of paper and write down what the questions are that you have and need answers to.
5) Next, get on the internet and begin doing your research. Listen, cleaning up finances takes diligence and dedication and does not have to involve a lot of money. For example, you can come to this site http://www.moneytalkmatters.com and put in search words, there is also a page of calculators. You can also go to http://thewandwgroup.com for information on estate planning, personal finances and retirement and if you are searching for a way to manage your finances online you can go to http://www.moneystrands.com or even http://www.mint.com .
6) If you are seeking to speak with a counselor, then you can also contact me via my website and know that I don’t believe in people going into debt to learn how to manage their money, nor get out of debt.
When getting financial help you have to understand, you are not investing in that person that is teaching you money management you are investing in yourself, your marriage and your family for a lifetime. Do what is best for you without breaking the bank and recognizing that you cannot continue in the same fashion that you have been. If you want a different result, you have to take a different action.