Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘husbands’

We have all heard that said in vows during many weddings that we have attended and some of you may have even said yourself. Bride takes the groom “For better of for worse, for richer or for poorer”. Those words are often said without any thought of that become the life of Mr. and Mrs. Wed.

Then when times get tough due to financial choices made, one party of the marriage wants to divorce because of finances. Listen, we have all heard the statistics that money is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I ask you, what happened to For Richer or For Poorer and For Better or For Worse? Did they not mean or did not give any thought to life happens? Sure, Life happens and situations happen but you are the one in control. It does not necessarily matter what the situation is but HOW YOU HANDLE the situation and come THROUGH it.

Let’s say for example a spouse loses a job and now the budget gets a little tighter, well that is okay. Couples must learn to work together and not treat each other as enemies. That husband or wife did not get up this morning and say I am going to go to work and do everything I can to lose my job. There are times it is not even their fault. Jobs have been cut due to the economy and for some companies hours have been reduced in order to sustain some companies. Either way, it was not your husband or wife’s choice that this happen at their place of employment.

A situation has presented regarding employment and what are the options you have in order to keep your household functioning accordingly? Get creative – be an optimist and not a complainer about your situation. Complaining has never solved anything and there have been times when complaining makes the situation worse. If your goal is to make the situation worse, then go ahead and complain. If your goal is to make it better, then start by changing the words that are coming out of your mouth. Become solution oriented and not a victim of what happened.

I would imagine even with financial challenges, deep down you still love the person. So financial challenges does not change that. Do not make decisions based on emotions. When you said your vows – you chose to say ” I Do” because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. Begin taking your vows seriously and talk with your spouse today.

Being the researcher that I am, I was reviewing different press releases tonight to keep up on things happening in the marriage movement and I found a release titled Almost 2 million Brits Admit to hiding extravagant purchases from their spouse. WHOAAAA.

It says “The Bank’s research found that almost one in five (18.5%) people in debt and in a relationship claim to be hiding the true extent of their debt from their partner or spouse.” This is an international problem – talking about money apparently is not on the top of couples list.

It is time to change that because that is unbelievable. This goes to show that people are not comfortable even in marriage opening up and disclosing their financial challenges. Yet, when most people get married within their vows are included the words For Better or For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer. What does anyone have to gain from all this secrecy? I say nothing. However, you have a lot to LOSE by hiding these truths.

The way I see it, these financial challenges are temporary and once a husband or wife takes control of their finances it can all change. But if they choose to continue the secrets and managing money improperly, more than likely the door will be open for additional financial challenges. I will let you in on a secret – until you begin correcting and talking about the financial mistakes, you are in a vicious cycle of making more mistakes and incurring more financial stress in your life.

Take control of your finances today and do not be controlled by your finances. There is a big difference.

This movie came highly recommended to me by a colleague, Mary Chatman, CEO of Creations of Love, Inc. I have to say WOW! This was not what I expected and it truly kept me on the edge of my seat.

Darin Dewitt Henson, Golden Brooks, Erica Campbell, Mel Jackson, Bishop Noel Jones, Darius McCrary, Hill Harper and Melissa De Sousa what a cast. There are so many dynamics in this movie, I am attempting to summarize it without giving too much away.

The below is a a familiar story that people might have actually heard in real life: Man meets woman when they are younger, fall in love and he asks her to marry him. She says yes under one condition that he would never leave her. Man is invovled in his church and woman feels as if she has taken a back seat to his duties at the church. Man says that she doesn’t come second, but any time she wants to plan something, he has a commitment at the Church. Woman feels unappreciated and unwanted. Woman has a great paying job and completes a top level degree, that no doubt her husband paid for. Woman is offered a job that is paying her more and her soon to be new boss make advances. Woman invites new boss to a dinner gathering and husband is late to the gathering and still meets her new boss and does not like him.

Woman goes to work the next day and complains to the new boss. What do you think happens next. What happens next, sets off a chain of events that you do not expect by a long shot. You will have to get a copy of this movie and add it to your library. It it soooo worth it.

Money Implications:

Just because one person makes more money than the other in marriage, does not mean that the one who makes less is any more less driven than the one who makes a lot of money. There will always be people who think they can come into your life and give you the world, yet in the end it is a game to them. People love the chase. Don’t fall for the trap.

Money Tip #1: Do not forget about investments spouses made in each other and the marriage.

Money Tip #2: The grass may look greaner on the other side and that new person is only using different fertilizer with a devastating result.

Money Tip #3: Do not allow illegal activity to go in your house that could result in something detrimental to your family. It is not worth it.

Observations:

Couple #1: Main Couple who is Rachel (Golden Brooks) and Clarence (Darrin Henson) were in a marriage that dealt with him paying for her higher college education, him being involved in the Church and her feeling as if she came second to the church. They had an adult son that did not want to work but was involved with some illegal activity.

Couple #2: Bruce and Charlene a very interesting couple. Bruce worked with Clarence at the Auto Shop and is a drinker. Charlene has a good job and loves her husband. Within this relationship they deal with alcoholism, pregnancy and physical abuse.

Not a couple: What is interesting you have Rachel’s friend, Monica who met her boss, Damion Marshall. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Recommendations:

(1) Do not subject yourself to physical abuse in any relationship it is not worth it. That can cost you tons of money in the long run whether it is legal fees or even therapy bills.

(2) When you are in a marriage, do not let it drive you to do anything illegal or anything that would endanger your life.

(3) Make it known if someone begins flirting with you that you are happily married. Do not even let your mind begin to go there. You cannot afford the consequences of infidelity.

(4) For those that are spiritual, when it comes to involvement in your Church and your marriage, healthy boundaries must be set here too. Families should not feel as if they are paying a heavy price because of the Church.

If you are seeking guidance in money and marriage, contact Dr. Taffy via emal at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters. com

I have been asked this question over the last few months and decided that now is just as good a time as any to write it in a post. Why? Let’s face it, we both know that the economy has been taking its toll on people and marriages whether they are believers or non-believers.

So I’m not as many of you know, I am not a sugar coater when it comes to my thoughts. So let’s get right into it because more than likely this is going to be a two part blog because I do not want anyone who needs this answer to be overwhelmed and miss anything.

I said this question to my husband last night sharing with him that I was preparing to write this post. He flat out said, “The vows says For Richer or For Poorer“. I responded, you see.

I pray that you did not marry for money and married because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. I hope that you understand that money comes and goes. Yes it has many roles in our lives and it is important that you recognize the roles and functions of money in your marriage.

When a Christian man and woman stand before God, the wedding officiant and guests taking their vows, they are entering into a covenant agreement saying we will be together through good, bad and the ugly. For Richer or For Poorer means honey if we have to eat Raamen noodles for a minute then I am here with you or honey if we are eating steak and shrimp I am here with you. Regardless of what is happening with the money, Christian husbands and wives are supposed to be together working it out together. Remember, Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, A threefold cord is not easily broken. I can assure you, the GOD I SERVE is not in the business of breaking up marriages.

Marriage is not a covenant that should be taken lightly but reverently, because if you are like me and my husband, GOD blessed us with each other. We had pastors (that were complete strangers) come up to us in restauraunts even months after we were married saying, when you two are ready to get married, I want to marry you. Then we would hold up our hands and show them we were already married.

Christian marriages ARE to be examples of a GODLY marriage to non-believers. Yet if Christian marriages are doing the same thing that non-believers are doing, where is the difference and where is the example? What does it say in Hebrews 13:4-5 which I want to take from the Amplified Bible, 4 “Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.

Marriages are to be held dear. It is absolutely a blessing to me, to be with the man GOD chose for me. See, I did not have to go out there looking for a mate because I know in MY BIBLE it says HE who findeth a good wife obtains FAVOR in the LORD. It is not my role to go out there and look for a mate. My responsibilty is to have my relationship with GOD right and in order, so that when GOD blessed me with my HUSBAND, I was ready. Alright, I digress that is for another time.

Let’s move on to verse 5 which says, 5 Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]

I want to say Christians have to realize that no you are not supposed to love money but you have to recognize that money is a tool and a weapon. It is a tool that can be used to expand your ability to reach many people for the KINGDOM of GOD. It is also a weapon because it takes money in the world system to hire lawyers if necessary to defend you against a person or a claim. Money in itself is not a negative, it is what people do with and to money that makes it a negative in their life.

So for those married christians, I have to ask you are you depending on God or your mate? I want to leave you with this thought, in my opinion it is not the money that you are fighting about or getting divorced over, I say it is deeper and to find out you have to wait for part 2.

I must admit when my husband first bought this movie quite some time ago, I would not even watch it. Just looking at the front cover, it did not appeal to me. As I was going through movies on the shelf that I had not watched, I picked it up and read the back cover. Well, lo and behold seems like the kind of movie I would watch. Remember – you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith have been married for five or six years and they go to see a marriage counselor to discuss their marriage. They are describing their marriage on a scale of 1 to 10. Then the counselor asks them how they met and they agree it was five or six years ago in Bogata. He was standing in a bar watching what was happening. The bar tender told him that the police were looking for people traveling alone. They ask him if he was alone and he touches his ear as if to say repeat it. Then she comes running in and they ask her if she is alone. He speaks up and says no she is with me. They walk behind these doors and they introduce themselves. They spend some time together and shortly thereafter they are married. They both work never really disclosing to each other what they do. They leave home at the same time of day and she usually gets home first and prepare dinner. Both upon returning home places their wedding rings back on their finger without the other one knowing. This movie has lies, secrets, division, teamwork and more. You must watch this one to get all of the facts.

Money Implications:

Money can afford couples an opportunity to live a stress free life when the money is managed properly.

Observations:
This was a marriage filled with lies and secrets. Many marriages would not be able to continue once the lies and secrets began coming out. That is what is so interesting about TV – “IT’s TV – not all of it is based on a true story. Same thing with movies. Now you can learn from this, that you should not keep secrets and when you tell one lie, you usually have to keep on telling lies to cover up the truth. That is tooooo much work and unnecessary.

This marriage was built on lies from the start based on the part of the wife. The husband did not become aware until later. Imagine how he felt. If there are secrets you are keeping from your spouse today, I recommend you think about how you are going to Tell the Truth and come clean.

Recommendations:
(1) If you have financial secrets from your spouse, it is time to start revealing the truth. I imagine your goal is not to be alone because you got married. Secrets are one thing that can destroy a marriage.

(2) Do not live a secret life within your marriage. People can always sense when something is wrong and they could turn into a Private Detective until they discover what it is. That could end up costing you money and your marriage.

(3) Teamwork in marriage is important, especially when it comes to financial challenges. Remember you are on the same team, not opposites. Work together for the benefit and growth of the marriage.

(4) Yes you can have different financial backgrounds. If you want to see your marriage grow into financial oneness, establish one mutual financial goal and work on it together. Once you accomplish it together, then work on another.

(5) Do not let your friends (especially single friends) dictate your relationship with your spouse. Remember, Misery loves company.

If you have not seen this movie, purchase your copy below:

I was minding my own business this morning driving home from a meeting and this movie came flooding my mind. I thought to myself absolutely.

This movie included Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King and Della Reese. This movie has a couple of turns and twists in it – let me share without giving away the plot of the movie. Martin plays Darnell who is managing a night club, thinks he is a ladies’ man. His childhood sweetheart is Mia who had joined the military. His mom is Della Reese which I believe was perfect casting.

Darnell is working at the club and Lynn Whitfield whose character is Brandi is a very upscale, classy woman that comes to the club and steps out of a limousine. She has money, likes the finer things in life and of course, Darnell sees her as his ultimate challenge as a ladies’ man.

Just like boys, Darnell and some of his pals are making bets on how long it will take him to get physical with her. Initially Brandi rejects his attempts. Eventually he wins her over and that is when everything changes between Darnell, Brandi and Mia. Before you think you know what happened, trust me you don’t. You will want to see this movie – lies, relationships, money and more…..

Money Implications:
Just because someone has money does not mean they do not have their share of issues in life. Some could be financial and they could also be something else. If you have money and do not know how to manage money, you can get into financial trouble really fast.

Money Tip #1: Establish financial goals for yourself and your marriage and/or relationship with deadlines.

Money Tip #2: Character Mia was comfortable with who she was and she had goals for herself. Be true to yourself and where you are financially. Do not attempt to keep up with someone else. Do YOU!

Money Tip #3: Pay attention to how your groom is spending money when you are dating or during the engagement. Is he lavishing you with gifts and not paying his bills? That will cause financial stress in marriage. Make a note.

Observations:

We all know men like a challenge. Well some women do to. It is important that you keep the love alive in your marriage. Talk with your mate. Ask them about their job and what would they like to see happen in the household finances if you have not ever asked them the question. Husbands and wives alike want to be appreciated and not ignored or made to feel unappreciated.

Recommendations:
(1) Do not discount what you have thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You could be making a costly mistake.

(2) Work with your mate for financial independence and not against them. Be the best that you can be with that mate.

(3) Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it and discover it is not what you truly wanted.

(4) Pay attention and listen to what your spouse is saying. They are revealing information to help alleviate stress in the marriage.

(5) Establish your mutual financial goals and do not get distracted by other people’s opinion on what they think you should be doing.

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There was no way that I would pass up discussing this article I found this morning titled Does Money Ruin Relationships? First I want to note that this article was in the Ethipoian Review and what is being discussed is money in the United States of America the problems that surrounds it in different situations.

Clearly points out “the mega divorce settlements in the United States there was adultery involved. It looks at our athletes that were in college and then went pro signing huge contracts which leads to all kinds of money problems.” It goes on to share about with the athletes there is spousal abuse, child support and yes infidelity. Then the high priced attorney comes in for representation.

I was amazed at the detail of this article. I am not in disagreement with what is written but I want to say especially when it comes to the athletes more than likely prior to becoming a professional athlete they did not know how to manage money. Look at their background what was the environment they grew up in, did they have access to money and even how did they go to college. Then once they became a pro athlete they had people telling them what to do and some not looking out for their best interest.

I am sure just like me you have seen news report after news report where athletes once retired have money issues and it is hard to believe. Money by itself cannot do anything but the person managing or mismanaging it leads to problems that continue for quite a period of time.

This article also talks about the politicians and “spreading their oaks” it says. But somewhere in there believes that money is a part of it. Well, I have had my fill of watching politicians being exposed for their infidelity to last me a life time because I do not like what it does to the wife nor the kids (if they have any) that are now being thrust into the limelight because of the husband choosing to be with another person. The PRICE of infidelity is tooo high for people to pay.

I do not believe money ruins relationships. It is how people handle, think about, utilize, manipulate and control money that ruins relationships. What do you think?

This was one of those mornings when couples were heavily on my mind and it was best that I write out these posts because someone is in need of guidance. It doesn’t matter if they cannot send in an email but prayerfully, they will be led to these posts.

All too often I have heard about the husband being the breadwinner and controlling the money, the wife is home with the kids has to ask for money. Then when she gets money it is very limited – when I say limited it is just enough or some have said barely enough to take care of the things she needs to do for the household.

This results in the wife becoming resentful towards the husband and he is unaware. This happens for several reasons because instead of the wife seeing him as a husband she feels as if he is a parent and she is in the role of a kid asking for money; there was not a clear discussion on finances for the household and based on the husband’s upbringing – the man bringing home the money and controlling it has led to that same pattern in his marriage which he has not focused on whether it is good or not, but continuing that pattern he saw.

Now I can assure you, if husbands knew this was happening with their wives where the perception was the wives were feeling like a child instead of an equal partner, some would change that.

Having a husband that is controlling the money and having to ask for money also leads to some financial challenges in the future. What would happen if the husband could not work? Does the wife now start working and trying to figure out how to manage the household finances? What if he became injured? WIVES wherever you are, if you are reading this and in this position, yes you are the wife and you are a woman. You need to know how to manage money in and out of marriage.

Remember, before you got married you were on your own. You do not have to lose yourself in marriage but learn how to work as a team. That means work together with the finances, including each other and not making one person feels as if they have to ask permission to have some money. That could eventually sink a relationship.

Well, I was reading this story this morning about many couples planning to wed in November and December. New Year, New Marriage equals New Money Woes article shares that financial issues derail many marriages. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Yes we have all seen the statistics that money is one of the top reasons for divorce, as well as knowing that three out of four married couples are arguing about money.

Let me present this to you – money in itself is not the cause of divorce. What is the cause of divorce is how money is mishandled, people not communicating about money and bills that need to be paid. I would even step out and say that it is about controlling the household finances or lack of controlling the finances. Money in itself cannot do anything without a person’s actions.

Therefore, it is imperative that couples learn how to manage money individually and throughout marriage. Let’s face it, most of us probably did not manage money well on our own prior to getting married. We brought those same limited skills into our marriages and what did we expect to happen.

Sit down and begin talking about money for the benefit of your marriage today. Talk WITH each other and not at each other. If you do not know how to start this, you can get your copy of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar. For this one it does not matter that you are already married, these same principles will work right where you are and can be used throughout the lifetime of your marriage.

Talking about money is not a one time decision – remember life happens. It is a discussion that should happen on a regular basis and often so that everyone is on the same page. There are not financial secrets and one person does not feel as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Yes it happens and it is time to stop that trend.

I am going to speak from personal experience – if couples can learn how to discuss money matters, solve financial problems together thereby keeping their marriage in tact, they can handle anything that comes there way. Money should not change husbands and wives. It is all about the couple controlling the money in stead of being controlled and changed by money.

You do not have to be like everyone else arguing about money. Set a different tone for your household and discuss money issues and SOLVE them. Complaining about them is not the answer. You have to do something different if you want a different result.

Stop the Press! This was one of the best movies I had seen and it was not what I suspected. Favs on the screen Shemar Moore, Bill Bellamy, DL Hugley, Tatyana Ali, Jennifer Lewis and Morris Chestnut. Haven’t seen this one in quite a while but sure enough it will probably come on TV within the next couple of weeks because I said that.

Lots of dynamics in this movie and let’s see if I can hit the highlights of this one.

Jackson (played by Morris Chestnut) he is a doctor and has major commitment issues. Found it interesting that he had a dream of a woman in a wedding dress with a gun.

Brian (played by Bill Bellamy) who is a lawyer and has a very distorted view of women. This is due in part to his mother and her lack of affection towards him and his brother which carried over into his adulthood.

Derrick (played by DL Hughley) he is the married and devoted man that would like to try different sexual things with his wife and she is all about one way.

Terry (played by Shemar Moore) who is the womanizer and yet the one who is settling down.

Money Implications:
Regardless of what happens with your parents, even when you are an adult, handle your financial responsibilities. Jackson’s parents even though they were divorced, they counted on him. So did his sister.

When it comes to Brian whose mother did not show him any affection, he did not let his emotions stop him from pursuing his profession as a lawyer. He even said that the younger brother could move in with him. Very responsible individual.

Money Tip #1: Manage your money. These gentleman did take care of business regardless of what was happening.

Money Tip #2: Husbands and wives you should be talking openly about finances throughout your marriage.

Money Tip #3: Money and marriage is a commitment, take it one step at a time.

Money Tip #4: If you make a financial mistake, learn from it and make better decisions the next time.

Observations:
Commitment can cause people to be afraid. Stop and ask yourself what are you afraid of and why. Then make sure you do not carry that baggage into any new relationship especially if it leads to marriage.

Jackson’s dream did come true about the woman standing there in a bridal gown with a gun. It was not his bride though and the woman had just lost it. Brides and grooms a lot of pressure comes with wedding plan and making sure everything is just right on that day. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Keep the lines of communication open.

Recommendations:
(1) Do not wait until a problem arise in the finances to talk about money. You should be talking about money in marriage all the time, evaluating goals and making adjustments where necessary.

(2) Take your vows seriously. Recognize that husbands and wives are partners and are supposed to be there for each other in good times and bad, rich and poor. If a husband and wife can make it through financial difficulty and come out on the other side, then they can handle anything.

(3) Do not let what happens with or in your parents marriage dictate your stand on marriage and relationships. If you do, you could end up in a very serious and devastating situation.

Life happens and you are the one that controls how you HANDLE life.

If you need a financial education program that you can utilize throughout your marriage, go to http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/products and get your copy of Money Talk Before the Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar today.