Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘infidelity’

Jealousy in marriage is destructive, a real relationship killer and one of those common marriage problems that needs to be resolved.

If you let feelings of jealousy develop and escalate the mind will run wild, imagine the enemy around every corner, question everything your partner thinks, says and does. In worst case scenario’s unresolved and unchecked jealousy has developed beyond the end of a relationship, into a long-term vendetta and in extreme cases extended to the loss of life. It gets even worse when money is involved. If one person is jealous over what the other one makes, they could begin sabotaging their financial dreams and every day budget.

As much as we would like to deny it, most people struggle with jealous emotions at some point in their lives and, in marriage, it is a one of those common marriage problems that can develop from feelings of insecurity or neglect. When it comes to money, a person has to be secure in their talents and abilities and not compare themselves to the other.

We now live in a society where marriages are often as a result of a second, a fifth or any number of relationships and are, in many cases, second or subsequent marriages. This is just society as we now know it but it can leave spouses insecure, especially when a previous partner is still around, and particularly in the case when children are involved.

People can enter into marriages with so much previous baggage that it often hard to settle into a secure, trusting environment full of self worth and self-belief.

Marital jealousy develops from numerous situations and no matter how much you try and tell yourself there is no need for concern your mind just doesn’t listen and all the while your partner continues with the behaviour that is instilling the feeling of insecurity throughout your very soul.

• Some people are natural flirts who draw the opposite sex like magnets, which, once the ring is on the finger, leaves partners totally insecure and just waiting for the moment when they are dumped for the next person that comes along. The partner who flirts often has no idea what impact their actions have on their relationship. They don’t actually believe that they are doing anything wrongs but perceive their actions to be friendly and not harmful.

• No one could ever be accused of being unnecessarily jealous in the case of infidelity beyond which, if the marriage survives (and in many instances they do), strong measures need to be put in place to enable the cheated partner come to trust their partner again and control the feeling of jealousy.

• Following the break up of a marriage, children need to feel that the split isn’t as a result of anything that they have done. This leaves parents over protective, desperate to make amends for one parent environment and often at the expense of new relationships.

• Another of the common marriage problems is that husbands feel neglected when a new baby arrives no matter how much they wanted the child in the first place. A baby’s mere existence is totally life changing with more attention towards the child and a complete ‘nose dive’ in marital relations. With the bond between mother and child being that much closer it can leave fathers feeling neglected, unwanted and a total spare part.

• Too much time at work can leave your partner feeling very insecure, especially when your hours at work increase and you spend less and less time at home for the sake of your family but if we think about it is it really for the sake of the family…..

People get fixated on their goals and have no concept on how this is perceived or how it impacts on their relationship and their family life.

Without the 100% backing of both parties, long hours and continuous travel can prove to be a real relationship killer and, if left unchecked, one of those common marriage problems from which there is no return.

The list is endless and jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing, it’s strong indication that you really care. The main thing we need to remember is not to let the jealousy consume, arouse fury and become destructive.

If you are suffering from feelings of jealousy look at the cause, question your feelings and determine whether they have any foundation. Is your partner actually doing anything wrong, have they really done anything to drive your jealous emotions or have you just let your emotions spiral out of control.

If the fault is on your side, learning to recognize the fact is the first step towards controlling such an emotional and destructive thought process. It allows you to discuss your fears with your partner, explain how you feel and seek there help in enabling you to over come your jealous emotions, strengthen your marriage and build a more solid foundation for the future.

Communication is the foundation to marital success. If you can learn to communicate then you can express your emotions in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, understanding and supportive environment.

Don’t just blurt your fears out such as ‘I think you are having an affair’ it might not be true and it will just add fuel to the fire. Explain that something seems to have changed in your relationship, explain what has changed and what makes you think your marriage is different, don’t blame, don’t get emotional just explain to your spouse what is going through your head and seek their help in trying to sort it out.

One of the most common marriage problems is expecting our partners to always know what we want and how we feel. But even with a ring on our finger we aren’t always mind readers, if we haven’t communicated our feelings and our partner doesn’t know they have, in our eyes, done something wrong, how do we expect them to do anything about it!

Tell them now, save your marriage before its too late. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Even if the answer isn’t what you want to hear knowledge is power and with knowledge comes the ability to turn your life around.

Over the last few days I have watched some news and saw this story about Steve Phillips that worked for ESPN and the young production assistant. It is pretty sad that this is becoming so common that almost every week or so, there is a story in the news regarding infidelity which can lead to job loss, divorce, not to even mention the impact on the children.

I have yet to figure out how people can be so short-sighted when it comes to choices that they make. Because of a choice he made to involve himself with this young woman, now he has lost his job, his wife has filed for divorce.. allegedly this young woman made harassing phone calls and even came to their home one time. Seems as if this all started when this young woman’s relationship ended with him.

When I saw it on the news, they were showing a clip of the movie, Fatal Attraction which they were comparing this to. That definitely came to my mind. The price of infidelity is HIGH and I don’t think most people can afford to pay it.

What are going to be the long term effects of this on his family? How can he explain this to his kids, I believe I heard there are children. It does not matter what age children are when infidelity is a part of the reason there is a separation or divorce, someone has to explain what is happening. Sure it is not the media’s or public’s business – what happens though is these people are in the media’s eye and it becomes “open season” for them and and unfortunately the lives of their families.

Couples don’t be so short-sighted that you do not think about the long-term consequences of every decision and action you take.

This movie came highly recommended to me by a colleague, Mary Chatman, CEO of Creations of Love, Inc. I have to say WOW! This was not what I expected and it truly kept me on the edge of my seat.

Darin Dewitt Henson, Golden Brooks, Erica Campbell, Mel Jackson, Bishop Noel Jones, Darius McCrary, Hill Harper and Melissa De Sousa what a cast. There are so many dynamics in this movie, I am attempting to summarize it without giving too much away.

The below is a a familiar story that people might have actually heard in real life: Man meets woman when they are younger, fall in love and he asks her to marry him. She says yes under one condition that he would never leave her. Man is invovled in his church and woman feels as if she has taken a back seat to his duties at the church. Man says that she doesn’t come second, but any time she wants to plan something, he has a commitment at the Church. Woman feels unappreciated and unwanted. Woman has a great paying job and completes a top level degree, that no doubt her husband paid for. Woman is offered a job that is paying her more and her soon to be new boss make advances. Woman invites new boss to a dinner gathering and husband is late to the gathering and still meets her new boss and does not like him.

Woman goes to work the next day and complains to the new boss. What do you think happens next. What happens next, sets off a chain of events that you do not expect by a long shot. You will have to get a copy of this movie and add it to your library. It it soooo worth it.

Money Implications:

Just because one person makes more money than the other in marriage, does not mean that the one who makes less is any more less driven than the one who makes a lot of money. There will always be people who think they can come into your life and give you the world, yet in the end it is a game to them. People love the chase. Don’t fall for the trap.

Money Tip #1: Do not forget about investments spouses made in each other and the marriage.

Money Tip #2: The grass may look greaner on the other side and that new person is only using different fertilizer with a devastating result.

Money Tip #3: Do not allow illegal activity to go in your house that could result in something detrimental to your family. It is not worth it.

Observations:

Couple #1: Main Couple who is Rachel (Golden Brooks) and Clarence (Darrin Henson) were in a marriage that dealt with him paying for her higher college education, him being involved in the Church and her feeling as if she came second to the church. They had an adult son that did not want to work but was involved with some illegal activity.

Couple #2: Bruce and Charlene a very interesting couple. Bruce worked with Clarence at the Auto Shop and is a drinker. Charlene has a good job and loves her husband. Within this relationship they deal with alcoholism, pregnancy and physical abuse.

Not a couple: What is interesting you have Rachel’s friend, Monica who met her boss, Damion Marshall. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Recommendations:

(1) Do not subject yourself to physical abuse in any relationship it is not worth it. That can cost you tons of money in the long run whether it is legal fees or even therapy bills.

(2) When you are in a marriage, do not let it drive you to do anything illegal or anything that would endanger your life.

(3) Make it known if someone begins flirting with you that you are happily married. Do not even let your mind begin to go there. You cannot afford the consequences of infidelity.

(4) For those that are spiritual, when it comes to involvement in your Church and your marriage, healthy boundaries must be set here too. Families should not feel as if they are paying a heavy price because of the Church.

If you are seeking guidance in money and marriage, contact Dr. Taffy via emal at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters. com

There was no way that I would pass up discussing this article I found this morning titled Does Money Ruin Relationships? First I want to note that this article was in the Ethipoian Review and what is being discussed is money in the United States of America the problems that surrounds it in different situations.

Clearly points out “the mega divorce settlements in the United States there was adultery involved. It looks at our athletes that were in college and then went pro signing huge contracts which leads to all kinds of money problems.” It goes on to share about with the athletes there is spousal abuse, child support and yes infidelity. Then the high priced attorney comes in for representation.

I was amazed at the detail of this article. I am not in disagreement with what is written but I want to say especially when it comes to the athletes more than likely prior to becoming a professional athlete they did not know how to manage money. Look at their background what was the environment they grew up in, did they have access to money and even how did they go to college. Then once they became a pro athlete they had people telling them what to do and some not looking out for their best interest.

I am sure just like me you have seen news report after news report where athletes once retired have money issues and it is hard to believe. Money by itself cannot do anything but the person managing or mismanaging it leads to problems that continue for quite a period of time.

This article also talks about the politicians and “spreading their oaks” it says. But somewhere in there believes that money is a part of it. Well, I have had my fill of watching politicians being exposed for their infidelity to last me a life time because I do not like what it does to the wife nor the kids (if they have any) that are now being thrust into the limelight because of the husband choosing to be with another person. The PRICE of infidelity is tooo high for people to pay.

I do not believe money ruins relationships. It is how people handle, think about, utilize, manipulate and control money that ruins relationships. What do you think?

At the beginning of this week, I talked about “The Price of Infidelity” on Money Talk Matters on GLORI radio because I felt it should be addressed. I frankly got tired of reading about this or that politician who was caught being unfaithful to their spouses.

The “Price of Infidelity” does not just affect the man and woman involved, it affects the spouse(s), children – regardless of age, extended family members, residence, employment, community and more.

The “Price of Infidelity” is not a price people can actually afford. From all the different stories I have read, in my opinion it seems people are being very short-sighted when it comes to “choosing to be unfaithful”. The ramifications of infidelity are huge, can be long-term and sometimes disastrous.

I encouraged engaged couples and those soon to be married, if you are talking about money and I strongly encourage you to do so and if you find out something that you just cannot handle to walk away now. As a groom or bride-to-be, it is important that you remain true to yourself especially in knowing what you can and cannot handle.

It is better to walk down the aisle knowing you have discussed the financial background on both sides instead of being surprised by bills when you return from the honeymoon.

This is one of my favorites – the story of four women that have their individual stories that deal with professionalism, parenting, marriage, a divorced mother and single woman seeking a man. One of my primary  reasons for including this movie is because there are varying dynamics that warrants its inclusion. Each character: Savannah, Robin, Gloria and Bernadine have great story lines.

These women share each others triumphs and struggles throughout this movie. Savannah was the professional, single woman that did not let her “single status” keep her from reaching her goals.  Although her mother felt every woman “NEEDS” a man. Robin was the professional, single woman that had been burned by men so much that she did not look at them the same. Furthermore, she had lost her self-respect but gained it back in the end. Gloria was the divorced parent that owned a hair salon and who had almost cut herself off from relationships because she had gotten used to spending time with her son that was graduating from high school. She does have an interest in the widowed neighbor. Lastly, we have Bernadine who was married to a professional and mother of two children. When Bernadine wanted to start a business, he told her it was not the right time. So she put everything she had into building his businesses. Strongly recommend you watch the entire movie.

Money Implications:  I am going to do this based on each character:

Savannah – she had money and still had some degree of difficulty in who she was as a person. Her mother had limited finances and was attempting to keep it from Savannah. Once Savannah found out, she wired the money for her mother. 

Robin – she lived somewhat comfortably but was settling for mediocre men. Had a great job and clearly was making money but what she thought about herself was reflected in the men she dated. Did not really value who she was until the end of the show.

Gloria – the entrepreneur of the group. She appeared to be doing well financially.

Bernadine – the true “lesson” in this group. Do not put everything you have into your spouse. This lady was not aware of what the husband had been doing regarding putting EVERYTHING in his name. Once he decided he wanted a divorce, initially it appeared as if she was not going to get anything.

Money Tip #1:  Having money does not mean you cannot have financial problems in your life.

Money Tip #2: If you are an entrepreneur or seeking to become an entrepreneur, do your homework. What type of business are you seeking to start, what are the start-up costs, who is your target audience, can you start this business without taking money from the household budget and another major statement that you cannot ignore: If you are married, talk with your spouse before starting a business especially if it will impact your time and family finances.

Money Tip #3: This applies to the husband and the wife – share with each other about the household finances. Do not let the money manager be the only one that is aware of all the bank accounts, how much money is in each account and when the bills are due.

Money Tip #4:  Husbands and wives do not get lost in the marriage. Meaning put everything into the one person where you have no self-identity. That costs you in the long run.

Money Tip #5: Husbands and Wives – stay faithful to your mate and do not even think about the grass on the other side. It does not matter who attempts to flirt with you.  Based on a lot of stories in national news  and facts – people that enter into infidelity are paying a “HEAVY PRICE” and sometimes it is their life in addition to money.

Money Tip #6: For single parents, if you are not getting the child support that you are due it is up to you to decide what action you are going to take. Also, recommend that you create great memories every day with your children. Creating memories does not necessarily have to involve a lot of money.

Money Tip #7: For the new single parent, when it comes to money – take the time to sit down and detail your new household budget and expenses. This will show you what you need to run your household from month to month.

Observation:  Money impacts lives in many ways and should not be ignored. Take the time today to look at the roles money plays in your life.

Recommendations:  I know there are times when we as women vent to our girlfriends about our spouses, what I want to say on this is take the time to talk with your husband about your finances and issues you are facing. The two of you are on the same team – solve the situation together.

For the single parent, ensure that you find out all of the resources available to you through different organizations that assist single parents. Some could be local and there could be some that are on the internet. Do your research.

For the newly divorced spouse, pull yourself together and know that being single does not define who you are. Think about what you want to do with your life and what example do you want to set for your children.

Add this to your movie collection today:

As I was doing some research today, I found the follow-up story. Seems there was an agreement reached. Break up was due to many factors – infidelity by both parties, etc. Post-nuptial agreement is upheld. I must say I am glad that it was upheld. Both parties are happy with the way it turned out. Watch below and send in your comments to this blog:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/31992814#31992814

Weigh in. Do you think she should have been given this amount?

Money has many roles in our lives. Yet at the same time being something that most everyone wants, it is also one thing that many have limited knowledge in how to manage. With limited knowledge people manage money by trial and error thereby causing other mistakes. Look at these statistics for example:

1 in 3 marriages deal with financial infidelity

Money is one of the top reasons for divorce

The average college students has over $20,000 in debt when they graduate.

From a survey of married couples, only 14% said that income, debts and assets should be disclosed before marriage.

These are only the beginning of statistics that are out there. Money is a tough subject that changes lives good or bad. A lot of people remain in financial stress and unhappiness because of these three words that are the toughest to say…… I NEED HELP

If you cannot say these words, you stay in financial stress and difficulty. Once you step out and say these words your life can change. I remember when I said those words – it was very hard and even made me cry but once I did it, things began to change.

Caution: Do not let pride keep you in the vicious cycle of debt.

I have been reading like many others about Steve McNair and the “other woman”, who was not his wife who he chose to become involved with. I thought about this for a day or so and decided this morning to write about it.

Clearly, this young woman did not know what she had gotten herself into and I imagine was “proud” that she had someone of his caliber interested in her. Let’s take a quick review – she was a waitress that drove a Kia. Pro Athlete comes into her life and she gets an Escalade, a condo with him and it appears she could be on easy street. She was led to believe (we don’t know if he told her) that he was going to divorce his wife which is why she was going to sell her furniture.

From my reading the story in the news, she had a roommate that moved out and now her rent was going to cost her $1,000, she was paying on the Escalade and her Kia which she did not sell. So she felt that her life was spiraling out of control financially and she thought her Pro Athlete boyfriend (husband) was seeing someone else other than her and the wife.

Let’s talk about the mind for a minute. This is absolutely CRAZY . Follow my thought pattern for a minute – if you are the other woman involved with a married, since he is not being faithful to his wife and spending time with you – what makes you think he is going to be faithful with you. Okay, now I can get off of that rant.

This young lady clearly was overwhelmed by her financial obligations that she could not handle and those other factors made it worse. In the end, she felt her only way out was to end it all for those immediately involved. Which without knowing had a snowball effect – now, once again it comes to the light that a husband has been cheating on his wife with whom he had kids. She had no knowledge of it. She is left making funeral arrangements, trying to make sense of what just happened and unfortunately, I imagine she will have to try and explain this to their children.

Recommendation: Overwhelming Debt can lead to Disaster and Irreparable Damage.