Posts Tagged ‘job’

postheadericon Engaged Already and Fiance’ is Upset About My Finances

I’m a bride to be and my fiancé is upset with my finances already. I chose to share with him my mistakes because I didn’t want to keep any secrets for him. See I know money is one of the top causes for divorce and didn’t want to walk down the aisle carrying this secret. Yet because he is upset, I am not sure how to proceed from here. Was I wrong in telling him? Who is he to judge me? In love and confused about sharing my financial history.

I remember being a bride to be and in love with me fiancé and knowing the financial mistakes I made prior to our even dating and hadn’t disclosed it yet. Choosing to return to school and quitting my job because I felt it was stifling me but not having a game plan in place for other employment that would have been conducive to my going to school in the day time and coming to work on either second or third shift. Once I quit the job and had no income, this led to not being able to pay my bills which included my rent and within so many days of being late, getting a notice on my door to get caught up or face eviction.

There I was not sharing with family members what was going on because I knew that I was supposed to be back in school. Then as I was in the process of being evicted, I shared it with my then boyfriend who later would become my fiancé and eventually my husband. I explained to him my reasons for my choices and he understood.

When a fiancé is upset about your finances, the first thing you need to do is talk to them and find out why they are upset? The reasons could vary such as:

1) Might not have wanted to enter into marriage with a lot of debt on the part of either spouse.

2) Does not understand why you made the choices you made because you have not gone into detail and shared in a manner they could understand. It does not mean they will agree with the choice; however if they can have some insight into why you did what you did then this could shed some light on who you are when it comes to finances.

3) Does not like the mistakes you made and has seen some of those same patterns since you have been engaged and is leary about getting married.

Talk with your fiancé and find out why he is upset. Do not for one second regret that you shared about your finances. The question is will be able to handle it and the two of you can move on together? What you are getting right now is a glimpse into how he will handle financial issues that will present during marriage. Will he be able to handle it or is he going to walk away because it is too much for him. You are finding out during the engagement what will happen during marriage. People do not change for the most part when it comes to handling challenges.

I commend you for being honest and transparent about the choices you made with your fiancé. You CHOSE not to hide it from him so the two of you could learn from them and grow together as you prepare to walk down the aisle and get married. No one is perfect and mistakes will be made. The importance is to learn from them and not repeat them.

If you and your fiancé would like to premarital financial counseling that you can complete in the privacy and comfort of your own home, I encourage you to go to this page: http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/

Recommended Reading:

Benefits of Premarital Financial Counseling
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/12/01/benefit-of-premarital-financial-counseling/

Dealing with Financial Issues can Save your Relationship
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/07/19/dealing-with-money-issues-up-front-can-save-your-relationship/

postheadericon For Better or Worse, For Richer or For Poorer becomes Reality

We have all heard that said in vows during many weddings that we have attended and some of you may have even said yourself. Bride takes the groom “For better of for worse, for richer or for poorer”. Those words are often said without any thought of that become the life of Mr. and Mrs. Wed.

Then when times get tough due to financial choices made, one party of the marriage wants to divorce because of finances. Listen, we have all heard the statistics that money is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I ask you, what happened to For Richer or For Poorer and For Better or For Worse? Did they not mean or did not give any thought to life happens? Sure, Life happens and situations happen but you are the one in control. It does not necessarily matter what the situation is but HOW YOU HANDLE the situation and come THROUGH it.

Let’s say for example a spouse loses a job and now the budget gets a little tighter, well that is okay. Couples must learn to work together and not treat each other as enemies. That husband or wife did not get up this morning and say I am going to go to work and do everything I can to lose my job. There are times it is not even their fault. Jobs have been cut due to the economy and for some companies hours have been reduced in order to sustain some companies. Either way, it was not your husband or wife’s choice that this happen at their place of employment.

A situation has presented regarding employment and what are the options you have in order to keep your household functioning accordingly? Get creative – be an optimist and not a complainer about your situation. Complaining has never solved anything and there have been times when complaining makes the situation worse. If your goal is to make the situation worse, then go ahead and complain. If your goal is to make it better, then start by changing the words that are coming out of your mouth. Become solution oriented and not a victim of what happened.

I would imagine even with financial challenges, deep down you still love the person. So financial challenges does not change that. Do not make decisions based on emotions. When you said your vows – you chose to say ” I Do” because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. Begin taking your vows seriously and talk with your spouse today.

postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #29 – A Good Man is Hard to Find

This movie came highly recommended to me by a colleague, Mary Chatman, CEO of Creations of Love, Inc. I have to say WOW! This was not what I expected and it truly kept me on the edge of my seat.

Darin Dewitt Henson, Golden Brooks, Erica Campbell, Mel Jackson, Bishop Noel Jones, Darius McCrary, Hill Harper and Melissa De Sousa what a cast. There are so many dynamics in this movie, I am attempting to summarize it without giving too much away.

The below is a a familiar story that people might have actually heard in real life: Man meets woman when they are younger, fall in love and he asks her to marry him. She says yes under one condition that he would never leave her. Man is invovled in his church and woman feels as if she has taken a back seat to his duties at the church. Man says that she doesn’t come second, but any time she wants to plan something, he has a commitment at the Church. Woman feels unappreciated and unwanted. Woman has a great paying job and completes a top level degree, that no doubt her husband paid for. Woman is offered a job that is paying her more and her soon to be new boss make advances. Woman invites new boss to a dinner gathering and husband is late to the gathering and still meets her new boss and does not like him.

Woman goes to work the next day and complains to the new boss. What do you think happens next. What happens next, sets off a chain of events that you do not expect by a long shot. You will have to get a copy of this movie and add it to your library. It it soooo worth it.

Money Implications:

Just because one person makes more money than the other in marriage, does not mean that the one who makes less is any more less driven than the one who makes a lot of money. There will always be people who think they can come into your life and give you the world, yet in the end it is a game to them. People love the chase. Don’t fall for the trap.

Money Tip #1: Do not forget about investments spouses made in each other and the marriage.

Money Tip #2: The grass may look greaner on the other side and that new person is only using different fertilizer with a devastating result.

Money Tip #3: Do not allow illegal activity to go in your house that could result in something detrimental to your family. It is not worth it.

Observations:

Couple #1: Main Couple who is Rachel (Golden Brooks) and Clarence (Darrin Henson) were in a marriage that dealt with him paying for her higher college education, him being involved in the Church and her feeling as if she came second to the church. They had an adult son that did not want to work but was involved with some illegal activity.

Couple #2: Bruce and Charlene a very interesting couple. Bruce worked with Clarence at the Auto Shop and is a drinker. Charlene has a good job and loves her husband. Within this relationship they deal with alcoholism, pregnancy and physical abuse.

Not a couple: What is interesting you have Rachel’s friend, Monica who met her boss, Damion Marshall. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Recommendations:

(1) Do not subject yourself to physical abuse in any relationship it is not worth it. That can cost you tons of money in the long run whether it is legal fees or even therapy bills.

(2) When you are in a marriage, do not let it drive you to do anything illegal or anything that would endanger your life.

(3) Make it known if someone begins flirting with you that you are happily married. Do not even let your mind begin to go there. You cannot afford the consequences of infidelity.

(4) For those that are spiritual, when it comes to involvement in your Church and your marriage, healthy boundaries must be set here too. Families should not feel as if they are paying a heavy price because of the Church.

 

If you are seeking guidance in money and marriage, contact Dr. Taffy via emal at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters. com

postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #28 – Something New

I remember when this movie came out, I could not wait to watch. Now everytime it comes on tv, another that has me glued to the tube. Sanaa Lathan, Donald Faison, Wendy Raquel Robinson, Alfre Woodard, Taraji P. Henson, Mike Epps, Earl Billings and Golden Brooks are some of my favorite actors and actresses.

Corporate lawyer, independent woman that is not dating but everyone including her parents want her to finds love. Her friends tell her to try something new and do not worry about finding the “ideal black man.” Lo and behold she finds love in an unexpected place with a different package than she expected. Her friends set her up on a blind date with a landscaper and she is thrown for a minute.

She needs landscaping done and hires him to do it. He comes over to work on a weekend and discover that she is dressed in professional attire and comments. She shares that she has to go to work and is on target to become a partner. Before you know it, Kendra (Sanaa’s character) and Brian are spending more time together and she likes him.

Her family on the other hand has other ideas. This movie deals with race, money, parents and friends. I barely scratched the surface of this movie in my summary, grab your copy below if you want to know all the details.

Money Implications:

When it comes to your profession and you work in an environment where you might be the only person of your ethnicity, do not let it keep you from become successful and reaching your goals. Sure there will be people in the work environment that have a limiting mindset and could even talk down to you, utilize that as encouragement to press forward to success. Do not let their limitations stifle your earning potential.

Money Tip #1: You can settle for someone that makes the parent(s) happy but you will not be happy and could do things that would destroy your relationship. That comes at a price.

Money Tip #2: Stand by your beliefs even when completing a job, there is nothing greater than your integrity. If it makes the boss mad, so be it – be true to yourself and the facts.

Money Tip #3: Do not speak false information, you will be found out. This could cost you, your relationship and your job.

Observations:
Once she realized who truly was in her heart, she could no longer deny it and went after her man. Most of us know the truth pretty rapidly. Do not marry the wrong person because the money was spent or you were trying to save face. No noe will know the full story unless you choose to divulge it.

Stay true to who you really are and do not which I cannot stress enough get into the habit of pleasing your parents. Do not forsake your spouse for your parents.

Putting the parents before your spouse can destroy your marriage and relationship.

Recommendations:

(1) Be true to who you are and what your heart says.

(2) Keep an ongoing ledger or online tool to track your money. This will aid yo in the future if you have to remove something.

(3) Love is not about material things. It is fine to have material things but do not let material things have you.

(4) Race should not matter when it comes to love.

postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #26 – A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

I was minding my own business this morning driving home from a meeting and this movie came flooding my mind. I thought to myself absolutely.

This movie included Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King and Della Reese. This movie has a couple of turns and twists in it – let me share without giving away the plot of the movie. Martin plays Darnell who is managing a night club, thinks he is a ladies’ man. His childhood sweetheart is Mia who had joined the military. His mom is Della Reese which I believe was perfect casting.

Darnell is working at the club and Lynn Whitfield whose character is Brandi is a very upscale, classy woman that comes to the club and steps out of a limousine. She has money, likes the finer things in life and of course, Darnell sees her as his ultimate challenge as a ladies’ man.

Just like boys, Darnell and some of his pals are making bets on how long it will take him to get physical with her. Initially Brandi rejects his attempts. Eventually he wins her over and that is when everything changes between Darnell, Brandi and Mia. Before you think you know what happened, trust me you don’t. You will want to see this movie – lies, relationships, money and more…..

Money Implications:
Just because someone has money does not mean they do not have their share of issues in life. Some could be financial and they could also be something else. If you have money and do not know how to manage money, you can get into financial trouble really fast.

Money Tip #1: Establish financial goals for yourself and your marriage and/or relationship with deadlines.

Money Tip #2: Character Mia was comfortable with who she was and she had goals for herself. Be true to yourself and where you are financially. Do not attempt to keep up with someone else. Do YOU!

Money Tip #3: Pay attention to how your groom is spending money when you are dating or during the engagement. Is he lavishing you with gifts and not paying his bills? That will cause financial stress in marriage. Make a note.

Observations:

We all know men like a challenge. Well some women do to. It is important that you keep the love alive in your marriage. Talk with your mate. Ask them about their job and what would they like to see happen in the household finances if you have not ever asked them the question. Husbands and wives alike want to be appreciated and not ignored or made to feel unappreciated.

Recommendations:
(1) Do not discount what you have thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You could be making a costly mistake.

(2) Work with your mate for financial independence and not against them. Be the best that you can be with that mate.

(3) Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it and discover it is not what you truly wanted.

(4) Pay attention and listen to what your spouse is saying. They are revealing information to help alleviate stress in the marriage.

(5) Establish your mutual financial goals and do not get distracted by other people’s opinion on what they think you should be doing.

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postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #25 – Guess Who

I had to watch this movie a second time to make sure it fit the marriage and money movie reviews. I am sooooo glad I did because it was a great addition. This movie had various dynamics that I am going to point out that can benefit so many on different levels. Take your time when you are reading these reviews because if you can think back to the movie, you can see these different points of view.

Without giving too much away this movie dealt with an affluent family, race, unemployment, lies, and money. One of my favorite actors that I got to see in person and truly miss that was in the movie – the late Bernie Mac. Ashton Kutcher was also in this movie.

Ashton plays Simon in this movie and has become engaged to Bernie’s (Percy) daughter – Teresa. Simon and Teresa are going to her parents for the weekend to celebrate their 25th anniversary. She has not told her parents that he is white. Percy has pulled Simon’s credit report and is pleased with what he sees. When they arrive, Percy mistakes the cab driver, who is black for his daughter, Teresa’s boyfriend. Then when Simon introduces himself as her boyfriend, Percy is taken shocked. Percy looks around to see if anyone sees Simon standing in the yard and says we need to go inside. Then he begins in on Simon with the 20 questions. He is very suspicious of simon.

Percy later asks his wife, why didn’t the daughter tell them he was white. Wife admits she had figured it out. Simon begins contacting old friends and colleagues to see if he can get a job before anyone discovers he does not have a job. Percy does not like him from the start and wants to take him to a hotel.

Money Implications:

Do not hide your financial background from your soon to be spouse. When the truth is revealed it could divide and destroy your relationship and marriage. There is nothing wrong with putting your cards on the table to ensure the one you love knows you are not attempting to keep secrets, especially financial secrets.

Do not lie about your employment situation. You can only pretend so much and it will catch up with you.

Money Tip #1: If you love someone, love them regardless of income.

Money Tip #2: For parents, do not make your grown son or daughter feel as if their choices are wrong when it comes to a mate without talking with your future son or daughter-in-law.

Money Tip #3: Do not prejudge a person based on the color of their skin. That type of discrimination affects a person as a whole which includes their work performance.

Money Tip #4: Parents should be knowledgeable of how their future son or daughter-in-law handle different financial situations.

Observations:

When it comes to love, race should not matter. Your heart does not discriminate – love who you love and enjoy life.

Do not lie about your employment because it will affect the entire household. Once you say “I Do”, all situations (employment, education, financial and more) affect the household.

If you start out lying to your future spouse, you will slip up and the relationship could begin to deteriorate.

Recommendations:

1) Be honest and proud of your soon-to-be spouse. You are the one that has to live with the person and make joint decisions. You should not be embarrassed about this person or anything.

2) Know that when you enter into a marriage and it is different races, you can get the looks and even some comments – do not address people’s ignorance. Love the one you are with because they love you. You don’t have to impress anyone.

3) Talk WITH each other versus AT each other. The power of speech also affects your finances, ability to work effectively and efficiently whether you work for someone else or have your own business.

4) When you are building a relationship with your in-laws, it takes time. Build the relationship without passing judgment. This is your soon-to-be spouse’s parents.

5) Before you borrow money from parents or in-laws, know up front that a lot can happen from that i.e. change in the relationship, parents watching how you spend (they may think you are wasting their money) money and more. Make sure everyone understands whether it is a gift or a loan.

postheadericon Walking Down the Aisle with a Realistic Start

Every month there are couples getting married. I have read story after story of wedding planning being impacted by the economy. Either the bride or groom has lost a job, the bridal shop where the brides dress was closed overnight and now she is left without a dress – just some unbelievable things. There have also been many stories that couples are getting very creative when it comes to wedding plan and having their wedding.

I want to applaud all the couples that have recognized that they need to reduce their wedding budget as well as those that are CHOOSING not to accrue debt or any more debt for their union. I say this because more than likely one person is entering the marriage with some form of debt. The question is have they shared this information with their spouse to be. That makes all the difference.

When couples are preparing to walk down the aisle they need to be realistic and not think of their life as something on tv. Since the recession, it has been reported that three out of four married couples are arguing about money. Money is a topic that should be discussed regularly throughout the marriage and not just when an emergency comes up.

Start slowly so that you do not overwhelm your soon to be spouse. Remember you will be talking about money throughout the lifetime of your marriage. Talking about money openly builds trust in a relationship. I cannot stress enough that this is a subject that should not be avoided or ignored.

As you prepare to walk down the aisle be realistic as you begin your journey to marital happiness. You do not have to be like the norm and expect the fairy tale and then get let down.

postheadericon Your Mind and Your Mouth can Deceive and Divide Your Money in Marriage

We have all heard the saying, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”  I am going to address that from the aspect of money and marriage.  I decided to do some research because about two years ago, I offered a teaching on the Mindset and even to this day, I continue to get more and more revelation into how the mind truly works because, I am sooo intrigued by the mind.

From my research, the average human has 55,000 thoughts per day which means 2,292 thoughts per hour and 38 thoughts every minute. WOW! That is a lot and now, it is clear to me why there are times when my mind is racing. That comes from excitement or even specific things becoming clearer in my mind.

We hold in our minds thoughts of the past, our childhood, things we did as young adults, the present and thoughts about our future.  Think about it, someone could have called you on the phone and said “remember when….. ” and you would say yes and there your mind goes taking you down memory lane.

Now that you have gotten a brief glimpse into the mind, I want to turn your attention to YOUR MOUTH. Let’s get down to the specifics – one study shows that men speak an average of 15,669 words per day and women speak 16,215 words per day. Those numbers are not significantly different.

What do we speak?  Words, observations, past failures that are in our MINDS. Granted we do have accomplishments and achievements and it seems it takes  a lot to naturally speak up about our accomplishments. As a whole the world seems to focus on the negative sooo much instead of the positive.

When it comes to money and marriage, I have to say this – if you are not careful about what THOUGHTS you have towards money and marriage, your MIND will deceive you. How you ask? Many couples are not discussing money and marriage – they have become mind readers as to why their spouse took this course of action when it pertains to finances instead of asking. Once you become a mind reader, you make a lot of assumptions which are usually unfounded.  This leads to other problems in the marriage.

Once the mind has deceived you, those thoughts that you are thinking over and over – then you begin to SPEAK with your mouth negativity, speaking out of emotions as well as past failures and experiences.  Negativity, emotions, past failures and experiences can put you on a course leading your marriage straight to divorce. 

Let’s take it that we do have 2,292 thoughts per hour and an unexpected financial situation presents in your marriage and you are speaking 16,215 words per day. Whether you are reacting to this situation or responding, what are you likely to utilize your mouth to speak? Optimism or will you choose to complain and argue about money issues that persist in your marriage?

Your mind (thoughts)  and mouth (what you speak) are very crucial to your every day life. are very crucial to your every day life – your relationships, how you raise your children, your job, your business – everything.

One of my favorite scriptures is:

 Proverbs 23:7 – So as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.

What are you thinking about your money in marriage now? What do you think about your spouse? What do you think about yourself? Be careful before you speak either negativity or defeat into your life.

I encourage you to line up your mind (thoughts) and your mouth (speech) for health, happiness, marital peace, financial independence and more.

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

postheadericon Marriage and Money Movie #20 – Steel Magnolias

One of my all time favorites and every time it comes on, I have stop and watch it. Yes it draws me in and I have to get my popcorn. This movie has sooo many facets that I am going to share a little more detail than usual in order that you will see it is worthy of being part of this database.

These women can act – Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine, Darryl Hannah and Olympia Dukakis. What a cast. This movie takes place in northwest Louisiana – two thumbs up for that.  Many women experience stories happening around the beauty parlor. This story is no different – the action takes place around Truvy’s beauty parlor with women who are regulars. I can see it now, if you are like me when I go to the “hair shop” there are the regulars that I talk with when I see them. Catch up on family life and our thoughts about politics, etc.

Sally Field plays M’Lynn the mother of Shelby and married to Drum.

Julia Roberts plays Shelby who marries a rich lawyer and deals with diabetes, becomes a parent and faces death.

Dolly Parton plays Truvy, the owner of the beauty parlor whose  husband is generally unhappy and has a hard time finding employment.

Shirley MacLaine plays Ouizer who has been married a couple of times before, she has money but has such an interesting disposition.

Darryl Hannah plays Annelle the 19 yr old beauty shop assistant. That has left her husband and becomes very religious.

Olympia Dukakis plays the role of Clairee who is a widow and has quite the interesting friendship with Ouizer.

Money Implications:

There are different roles of money when it comes to marriage – paying for a wedding, parenting, health and even business ownership.

Money Tip #1:  Weigh the consequences of all financial decisions, short and long-term consequences.

Money Tip #2: When you are an entrepreneur, be sure to include your spouse in business plans and financial decisions.

Money Tip #3: If a spouse is having a hard time finding work, do not rub it in. Talk with them about their dreams and see how you can help them. This affects the bottom line.

Observations:

Truvy loved her husband and tried to bring some holiday cheer into their home. Even when finances are tight, you can still celebrate your marriage, love and coming out of financial challenges.

Annelle shows up in town after having left her husband, she did not have anything. No job, no car and has to make a new start. Make sure that you both are involved in the household finances so that if something happens, the other spouse can carry on with life.

Recommendations:

1) I cannot stress enough think “BIG PICTURE”. What is it you would like to accomplish?

2) Do not let your marriage make you ungrateful for who you are and the life you live.

3) If you are in a second marriage, do not compare your current husband or wife to your ex. That is a costly mistake.

4) Continue supporting your husband and wife even in difficult times.

THIS IS A MUST SEE MOVIE.

postheadericon Loans for College affecting Students’ Future

This is one of those topics that I have heard from students firsthand when I have had exhibit booths at different events. When I saw this story in the Wall Street Journal, there was no way I was going to pass it up. The title is Students Borrow More Than Ever for College.

I completely understand why they are borrowing because they want to attain an education. However, the problem is not knowing all of the consequences of having all of these student loans. For example, I remember talking with one student and they expressed that the amount of money they spent on their education, once they got a job it would take five to ten years to pay off their student loan based on what they were making at the job they got after graduating from college.

The article shares “The ripple effects for today’s heavily indebted young people are becoming palpable. A growing body of research suggests that tough loan payments are affecting major life decisions by recent graduates, forcing them to put off traditional milestones—from buying a first home to even marriage and having children.” It is on doubt that having this huge debt looming over their future would have them putting off marriage and having children because that in itself is an expense.

Before that son or daughter who has student loans get married, I encourage you to provide them with financial skills or a financial literacy program such as Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar which teaches them how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. This program they can use on their own before they even get married.

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