Money Talk Matters – Bride and Groom Money Talk©

I’m a bride to be and my fiancé is upset with my finances already. I chose to share with him my mistakes because I didn’t want to keep any secrets for him. See I know money is one of the top causes for divorce and didn’t want to walk down the aisle carrying this secret. Yet because he is upset, I am not sure how to proceed from here. Was I wrong in telling him? Who is he to judge me? In love and confused about sharing my financial history.

I remember being a bride to be and in love with me fiancé and knowing the financial mistakes I made prior to our even dating and hadn’t disclosed it yet. Choosing to return to school and quitting my job because I felt it was stifling me but not having a game plan in place for other employment that would have been conducive to my going to school in the day time and coming to work on either second or third shift. Once I quit the job and had no income, this led to not being able to pay my bills which included my rent and within so many days of being late, getting a notice on my door to get caught up or face eviction.

There I was not sharing with family members what was going on because I knew that I was supposed to be back in school. Then as I was in the process of being evicted, I shared it with my then boyfriend who later would become my fiancé and eventually my husband. I explained to him my reasons for my choices and he understood.

When a fiancé is upset about your finances, the first thing you need to do is talk to them and find out why they are upset? The reasons could vary such as:

1) Might not have wanted to enter into marriage with a lot of debt on the part of either spouse.

2) Does not understand why you made the choices you made because you have not gone into detail and shared in a manner they could understand. It does not mean they will agree with the choice; however if they can have some insight into why you did what you did then this could shed some light on who you are when it comes to finances.

3) Does not like the mistakes you made and has seen some of those same patterns since you have been engaged and is leary about getting married.

Talk with your fiancé and find out why he is upset. Do not for one second regret that you shared about your finances. The question is will be able to handle it and the two of you can move on together? What you are getting right now is a glimpse into how he will handle financial issues that will present during marriage. Will he be able to handle it or is he going to walk away because it is too much for him. You are finding out during the engagement what will happen during marriage. People do not change for the most part when it comes to handling challenges.

I commend you for being honest and transparent about the choices you made with your fiancé. You CHOSE not to hide it from him so the two of you could learn from them and grow together as you prepare to walk down the aisle and get married. No one is perfect and mistakes will be made. The importance is to learn from them and not repeat them.

If you and your fiancé would like to premarital financial counseling that you can complete in the privacy and comfort of your own home, I encourage you to go to this page: http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/

Recommended Reading:

Benefits of Premarital Financial Counseling
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/12/01/benefit-of-premarital-financial-counseling/

Dealing with Financial Issues can Save your Relationship
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/07/19/dealing-with-money-issues-up-front-can-save-your-relationship/

Brides-to-be and grooms are preparing for their wedding. One comes from a wealthy family and next thing that happens, the groom is presented with a prenuptial agreement. The parents like the groom but say to the bride, before you walk down the aisle to marry this man; we want to protect your assets and what we have left you. We are not saying you cannot marry him, BUT you must have a prenuptial agreement in place.

Is it the parent’s place to demand the son or daughter have a prenuptial agreement? Or should the son or daughter be wise enough to know to have a prenup? Or is their relationship based on love and they are not concerned about this type of agreement? Who should be using a prenup and does it set you up for divorce?

Let’s be realistic, there are some parents who will demand explicitly their son or daughter have a prenuptial agreement in place before they marry their fiancé AND they will not move from this place. They are not saying they do not love that fiancé; however, the reason behind their wanting a prenuptial agreement because some parents have accumulated wealth, are funding trusts for their children or possibly handing over interest in family business to their children and want to ensure children’s financial interests are protected.

There are also the circumstances where there are children from a previous marriage and property that should be handed down should be protected. Furthermore, it can be used to protect the future spouse from debt. Utilizing a prenuptial agreement does not say that you are planning for your marriage to end in divorce. There are different circumstances which warrant a prenup and some circumstances that do not.

As a bride or groom, if you are presented with a prenuptial agreement and you are not a professional athlete, celebrity or even if your family does not come from wealth, there are several factors you should consider before signing this document:

1) How were you presented with the prenuptial agreement? Did you receive this document within weeks of the marriage or were you given the prenuptial agreement at least several months prior to the wedding? The timing of the document can say a lot about your future spouse. Did your future spouse hope that you were so in love with him or her that you would just sign the document and not read it? Once you read the document will you discover that you get nothing? What will you think about this person that you thought you knew so well?

2) You should consult with your own lawyer to review this document in its entirety and ask if there are clauses that need to be adjusted on the basis of fairness. It is important to make sure that it is fair on behalf of the husband and the wife.

I remember a few years ago, a friend was saying she had been presented with a prenuptial agreement and it was one-sided. This friend could not reach an agreement with her future spouse when it came to the prenuptial agreement and they ended up not getting married. Understand just like that situation, you could begin to see the true person when a prenuptial agreement is involved and even moreso if it involves money. Money tends to make people behave out of character or it is their true character.

We all know that money is a hard topic to talk about. One thing is for sure, if you are presented with a prenuptial agreement the discussion is being put on the table whether you like it or not. Does that mean a prenuptial agreement is a bad thing for you? Not necessarily. There are circumstances that call for a prenuptial and there are times when people are using it unnecessarily and causing strife. Either way, it is important that brides and grooms do their research prior to signing a prenuptial agreement. I don’t advocate signing it because you know they love you without doing your due diligence. The message behind a prenuptial agreement may be the opposite of what you thought.

Recommended Reading:

Brides and grooms dealing with money matters prior to marriage:
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/11/30/engaged-couples-dealing-with-money-matters/

For more information regading prenuptial agreements, visit the link:
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-29569.html

A few weeks ago I interviewed Marcus and Gloria Whyte, Life and Relationship Coaches. I asked them what does it take to make a marriage work in 2010 and we were off and running for the next hour on Money and Marriage Xposed radio.

Listen to this interview and be ready to take action. Marcus and Gloria are great examples of a “TEAM” and keeping it real. They know life happens and it is all about how you handle situations.

Engaged Couples you should take a look. I invite you to Share, subscribe or leave comments.

There may be an instance or two where a bride is paying for her own wedding instead of her parents. She could easily be in position where she has saved money for her wedding, is working and will continue to have money after her wedding expenses. Should this be frowned upon by friends and colleagues? Personally I don’t think so, because the wedding will be paid for and the married couple will not start out their marriage with wedding bills.

It is important for couples to get to know each other as husband and wife, nurture their relationship after the wedding without financial stress. Let me tell you, when you are dealing with financial stress all you can think about is how are we going to pay the bills, not necessarily romance and continuing the honeymoon once you have returned.

Financial stress will cause you to point the finger and blame each other for different financial choices that are causing this strain. If the strain is sooo heavy, you might not be able to see your way out. This is the time when most couples will seek guidance because they were not prepared for the financial stress and strain on the relationship.

If the bride is in the position to pay it can be a good thing. If she is thinking about the money as “OURS” versus “HERS” then that will be a good thing. That can make the difference instead of her thinking of it as hers and her maybe potentially rubbing it in his face later that she paid for the wedding.

Enjoy the process of planning your wedding and knowing that when you prepare to walk down the aisle, it is all PAID for.

Claire and Cliff go to the kitchen and when they return, Denise is waiting with Martin. They immediately say we cannot say that we have been told a lot about you. Denise feels in the hot seat, however she is being quiet and letting Martin dig the hole even deeper…divorce, child..

If your fiance had this background, what would your parents say about your pending marriage?

Take a look:

There are many brides-to-be and grooms-to-be that are dealing with one of their future spouses being broke and they are shouldering all the bills during the engagement phase and they are sick of it. It is not only because they are shouldering all the bills, furthermore, they are the one taking care of keeping the house clean, cooking dinner and more. Incidentally, this is beginning to wear on the one that is bringing in the income.

Newsflash – If this is what is happening when you are engaged and you are not expressing your concerns and talking about it, the same will occur once you are married. Notice I said if you are not expressing your concerns – not arguing, calling each other names, walking out and leaving things unresolved. None of those behaviors solve financial shortcomings. Let’s break it down.

When you are engaged and only one of you are bringing in the income – yes initially it seems okay but it will wear off in a short matter of time. Here is what you look at: 1) Does your future spouse have the initiative to change jobs or get a job if he or she is not working; 2) Do they also have bills and you are paying his or her bills in addition to yours and are you able to do it without falling behind on your bills; 3) It sends a message when he or she is not paying her bills during the engagement phase because what will they do when an emergency or situation happens once you are married?

Let’s take it here, what would your parents say if they knew your future spouse was not paying his or her bills and you were paying everything? If you won’t tell them, what keeps you from telling them and why? My purpose here is to show you this could be a red flag because people do not change once they get married. As a matter of fact, after a period of time they get comfortable and what you put up with for a certain period of time becomes acceptable and they do not expect they should change.

You can be sick of shouldering all the bills and are you going to TALK about it? What is it that you want to see happen in your finances while you are engaged and then let’s talk about once you are married. Because normally what happens while you are engaged gets carried over into the marriage. Set the right foundation now for financial and marital happiness not discord.

I was thinking that this week and everyday, let’s face it you should ensure that you are comfortable with talking about money with your bride or groom-to-be during the engagement. Money issues will happen during that first year of marriage that can literally tear the marriage apart and leave you both in divorce court if you both are not strong and secure in your relationship. Its not about whether or not you have been together for a really long time, its more about your level of communication and being a team.

There are a lot of brides and grooms that treat each other as if they are opponents instead of allies. What is the point of being married if you are going to be against each other instead of for each other. It will not take much to tear you apart if you have that mindset. Should you be discussing money on a regular basis during engagement? Yes. Why you ask? Because not only does it costs money to have a wedding (regardless of who is paying for it), you both have an opportunity to see how each one of you handles money.

Are you being cautious or a spendthrift? Are you staying within budget or going over budget every chance you get because you want the wedding of your dreams at everyone else’s expense. Make sure you are sending the right message and that you are not creating an environment of financial stress and strain even during the engagement.

Being the money manager such as I am, there are times when you might not tell your spouse everything that is going on with the finances. Why does this happen? Well, I can think of several reasons – you do not want to add to his stress level, you think if you told him he would go off on you (not physically but verbally), you believe you can get it handled and no one needs to be the wiser.  Listen wives, for whatever reason it – do you realize you are shouldering all the burden, stress and frustration. You also could be making decisions without all of the information and your husband could be assisting you.

Has this happened to me? There were some times when I was not discussing in complete detail the money with him because I was working the plan. I told my husband give me a chance to work the plan. Now was he willing to do it? Yes, because when I have said that before it turned out to the benefit of everyone and not to anyone’s detriment. So he knows when I say I am working the plan that it will give him more freedom later to shop without scrutiny. See, in our marriage he is the shopper and not me.

Do I think we all are shoppers at some point. Yes, because I will buy up Barnes and Nobles if left to my own devices. But other than that, it is quiet when it comes to shopping from me. I  digress, when a financial issue presents itself that you did not plan on and it gets bigger and bigger, who do you turn to? When I was single and this happened, I did not turn to family, friends, nor anyone in my church. What happens then Ladies is that things spiral out of control.

Once things spiral out of control, it is almost like no turning back. Before things spiral out of control today, I am here to help you. I’m the wife who has been in debt, homeless, came back from being in debt, restored and happily married to the same man that I married when I was in debt.  Do you need someone to encourage you that you can get out debt, share with you how to talk to your husband about finances and establish a plan as well as much more… then become a member of MarriageMoneyMatters.com today which is for wives.

I will be working with you on reviewing credit reports, providing one-on-one financial counseling, holding you accountable to discussing money and marriage with your husbands and much more. Join today and get the answers in the privacy and comfort of your own home.

Ladies – let me say to you do not be in such a hurry to get married that you ignore the red flags while you are dating. I can understand this friend and that friend have gotten married and maybe you are beginning to feel as if you are the last one to get married. That does not constitute in any way shape or form that you should lower your standards, accept mediocre in order to get married so you can say that you are married too.

What are the red flags you seeing?

(1) Disrespect?
(2) Not paying his bills?
(3) Non-existent work ethic
(4) Unacceptable language

If you are seeing any of these and it makes you uncomfortable, do not disregard them. There is a reason it is a red flag and pay attention. You deserve the best. Sure, nobody is perfect. However, you do have a choice and do not have to be in a hurry to get married just because everyone else. It does not matter how young or old you are it is important to take your time. How many stories have you heard from girlfriends or older relatives saying, they wish they had waited to get married?

I cannot stress the importance of taking your time. When you make decisions in the heat of the moment, usually they turn out to have long lasting consequences that you might not like. So I encourage you today to pay attention to the red flags because it will serve you will in many relationships, not just marriage.