Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

This morning on The View, Whoopi said I love the Wedding day, its the day after I have the problem with. That has been in my head all day because I believe there are many that fall into this category.

How many brides should we say are sooo excited about their wedding day and then when they return from the honeymoon its post-nuptial withdrawals? Planning their wedding, meeting with the wedding planner, caterers and such was fun and busy. Once they return from the honeymoon… its quiet.

I think so many are focused on the wedding, yet they forget to plan, prepare and prevent unnecessary issues when it comes to marriage. Plan how you want your marriage to unfold, prepare for merging money in order to prevent blowups regarding financial stress. Of course there is more to it than that, yet that is a place to start especially since there are a lot of financial challenges that can arise in the first year that really tear a marriage apart.

When newlyweds start out with marital debt, it makes it very hard to nurture and enjoy the relationship instead of arguing about the money and pointing the finger which more than likely will happen.

To prevent wedding day blues, talk with your soon to be spouse about what you want your marriage to look like, how you want the finances handled and what are mutual steps you can agree to take in order to prevent stress on the marriage.

The end of 2010 is just around the corner as is a bride and groom’s wedding day; therefore, let’s take a look at what made the headlines for money and marriage.

#10: At the beginning of 2010, leading article was Marriage: A Good Investment for Guys (Time Magazine). Article cited a study in 1970 that showed an unmarried man was better off financially than a married guy at that time and NOW 22% of the women make more money than their husbands. Question: Will this news bring on a mad rush of men chomping at the bit to pop the question? Observation: I wouldn’t necessarily say that marriage makes a man more successful than if he remained single. When it comes to a man or woman’s success it depends on their character, work ethic, dreams and goals as individuals.

#9: In February 2010, we were given a glimpse of what was happening in marriage via Money Matters in Marriage (Washington Post) which discussed “The State of Our Unions”. Article states according to “The State of Our Unions” annual survey by the Univ of Virginia’s National Marriage Project and the Center for Marriage and Families at the New York based Institute for American Values, W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project wrote the Great Recession that began in 2007 exposed an economic factor. Wilcox stated “the economic downturn reminds us that marriage is more than emotional relationship it is also an economic partnership and social safety net. Lesson: Money has always been a part of marriage. There are husbands and wives that have weathered the financial storms for years. Couples should enter marriage with a clear picture of what marriage and money can be instead of expecting the fairy tale.

#8: February continued to be a busy month when discussing marriage and money, which shouldn’t be a surprise considering there’s Valentines Day and National Marriage Week. Next in line was a news story titled Money and Marriage: Avoid Problems through Full Disclosure (ABC News GMA). Bottom line – ways to alleviate most money problems is to communicate, get help from a financial counselor if necessary, designate one person to manage the money and devise a strategy to pay bills on time. Lesson: Communicating about money is an ongoing conversation not a one time chat or text message.

#7: Our journey continued in February and we were met with Five Ways to save your Marriage (CNBC.com). Of course my immediate thought was COMMUNICATION. Communication was second and first was working together as a team. Lesson: Husbands and wives must realize and accept they are on the same team and not opponents.

#6: Reflecting on the top 10 news stories about money and marriage, month after month we kept hearing about the impact of the economy on people, engaged couples and businesses. One reoccurring theme I noticed was brides wedding dress deposits and bridal stores going out of business. Brides made deposits on the wedding dress of their dreams only to discover weeks and even days to prior to their wedding the bridal shops had closed down without notice. Resulted in no dress and no return of deposit.

#5: It’s never too late to talk about Finance and Romance, especially in the heat of the summer. One story that was sure to get the “home fires burning” was titled Finance and Romance: A Perfect Marriage (Forbes Woman). Short and sweet of this: Managing your finances can lead to increased romance in marriage. Lesson: Very easy to be romantic when there is no financial pressure!

#4: For those who didn’t learn the lesson about Finance and Romance could be living more of the theme from our next candidate, Your Money, What Love Joins Together, Debt can put Asunder (NY Times). Nothing like a bride’s fiancé finding about her student loan debt (amount very close to the wedding day) and calling off the engagement. Lesson: Communicate honestly about the debt and financial obligations being brought into the marriage early on in the relationship so everyone knows the truth.

#3: Debt is a four letter word when ignored can affect marriages severely resulting in divorce. Up next making the headlines was titled The Biggest Money Mistakes Couples Make (US News and World Reports). Top mistakes were not talking, combining accounts too early, sharing credit cards, real estate and other type of debt, ignoring the risk of a break-up and ignoring the marriage penalty. Lesson: Most important is to start talking (not arguing) about money issues and establishing a mutually agreed upon financial foundation that the marriage can operate. This should lead to specific and well-defined roles for husbands and wives and mutual financial goals for the marriage.

#2: I must say I had no idea this next one would even end up in the list; however upon reading the news I felt it deserved to be included. Prince William’s engagement spurs tips on mixed money marriages (USA Today). Different financial backgrounds and experiences and the one with lesser financials can get swept up in their future spouse’s lifestyle thereby creating and increasing stress. Lesson: Even though you may not be Prince William nor his fiancé, do not lose yourself or identity once you are married and give up on your dreams.

#1: This list started out taking a look at the affect of marriage on men and who would have known at the end of November, gracing the headlines would be a Study focusing on women, money and divorce (Today Show). States that 1/3 of women are better educated, in 22% of the couples, she is the primary bread winner and 38% are at risk of divorce. Lesson: For the wives that are the primary bread winner – goal should be working together for the greater good of the marriage. Treat your husband the way you want to be treated regardless of income.

Based on the stories I’ve read over 2010, I’d say we are in for more precedent setting money and marriage stories like never before. Stay tuned…..

Copyright ©2010 – Dr. Taffy Wagner, CEPF – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

Money is a subject that needs to be talked about as you are preparing for marriage, yet it is often avoided beyond the wedding budget. Talking about money can lead to a bride or groom believing they are going to be rejected, the wedding being called off or even judgment for financial mistakes.

Let’s put the cards on the table, money is one of the top reasons if not the top reason for divorce. Whether it is because of overspending, a communication breakdown because of money mismanagement or even financial secrets when it comes to money – MONEY is a tool that everyone single or married must learn how to use and be able to talk about.

Think about it – how many of your friends are having financial struggles whether it is student loans or even auto loans. Some are employed and don’t make enough to pay all of their bills, maybe you know a bride-to-be or groom that has recently become unemployed and now they are faced with cutting the costs of the wedding. Regardless of the situation, brides and grooms should be talking about their finances prior to saying “I Do” in an effort to learn what is the best strategy for managing money as a couple based on what they have done individually.

No one is perfect and decisions made prior to your saying “I Do” does not give either one of you cause to judge each other. Instead it should cause each of you to say, here is what I did and why, now let’s formulate a financial foundation and financial plan for OUR MARRIAGE (yes, beyond the wedding day) so that our Marriage and Money can succeed and not become a divorce statistic because we kept quiet for fear of rejection.

Remember this – if the money secrets come out after you say I Do there is more of a chance that trust will be broken, which opens the door to wonder what other secrets you are hiding. Once trust is broken it is hard to get back because you cannot get trust back just based on words – ACTIONS speak louder. Why even put yourself through that. Talk about money upfront and openly – your motto should be we are being proactive in our marriage preparation and talking about money before we say I Do instead of being reactive after I Do and regretting who we married.

If you are reading this and are engaged and want to get started with “The Money Talk” with assistance, write me at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com and get a complimentary premarital financial counseling session with your fiance. This is limited to 15 couples from this post!

Are you a bride to be and as you are approaching your wedding day, afraid your financial secret will come out? Before you decide to keep your finances a secret… take a look:

I’m a bride to be and my fiancé is upset with my finances already. I chose to share with him my mistakes because I didn’t want to keep any secrets for him. See I know money is one of the top causes for divorce and didn’t want to walk down the aisle carrying this secret. Yet because he is upset, I am not sure how to proceed from here. Was I wrong in telling him? Who is he to judge me? In love and confused about sharing my financial history.

I remember being a bride to be and in love with me fiancé and knowing the financial mistakes I made prior to our even dating and hadn’t disclosed it yet. Choosing to return to school and quitting my job because I felt it was stifling me but not having a game plan in place for other employment that would have been conducive to my going to school in the day time and coming to work on either second or third shift. Once I quit the job and had no income, this led to not being able to pay my bills which included my rent and within so many days of being late, getting a notice on my door to get caught up or face eviction.

There I was not sharing with family members what was going on because I knew that I was supposed to be back in school. Then as I was in the process of being evicted, I shared it with my then boyfriend who later would become my fiancé and eventually my husband. I explained to him my reasons for my choices and he understood.

When a fiancé is upset about your finances, the first thing you need to do is talk to them and find out why they are upset? The reasons could vary such as:

1) Might not have wanted to enter into marriage with a lot of debt on the part of either spouse.

2) Does not understand why you made the choices you made because you have not gone into detail and shared in a manner they could understand. It does not mean they will agree with the choice; however if they can have some insight into why you did what you did then this could shed some light on who you are when it comes to finances.

3) Does not like the mistakes you made and has seen some of those same patterns since you have been engaged and is leary about getting married.

Talk with your fiancé and find out why he is upset. Do not for one second regret that you shared about your finances. The question is will be able to handle it and the two of you can move on together? What you are getting right now is a glimpse into how he will handle financial issues that will present during marriage. Will he be able to handle it or is he going to walk away because it is too much for him. You are finding out during the engagement what will happen during marriage. People do not change for the most part when it comes to handling challenges.

I commend you for being honest and transparent about the choices you made with your fiancé. You CHOSE not to hide it from him so the two of you could learn from them and grow together as you prepare to walk down the aisle and get married. No one is perfect and mistakes will be made. The importance is to learn from them and not repeat them.

If you and your fiancé would like to premarital financial counseling that you can complete in the privacy and comfort of your own home, I encourage you to go to this page: http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/

Recommended Reading:

Benefits of Premarital Financial Counseling
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/12/01/benefit-of-premarital-financial-counseling/

Dealing with Financial Issues can Save your Relationship
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/07/19/dealing-with-money-issues-up-front-can-save-your-relationship/

Brides-to-be and grooms are preparing for their wedding. One comes from a wealthy family and next thing that happens, the groom is presented with a prenuptial agreement. The parents like the groom but say to the bride, before you walk down the aisle to marry this man; we want to protect your assets and what we have left you. We are not saying you cannot marry him, BUT you must have a prenuptial agreement in place.

Is it the parent’s place to demand the son or daughter have a prenuptial agreement? Or should the son or daughter be wise enough to know to have a prenup? Or is their relationship based on love and they are not concerned about this type of agreement? Who should be using a prenup and does it set you up for divorce?

Let’s be realistic, there are some parents who will demand explicitly their son or daughter have a prenuptial agreement in place before they marry their fiancé AND they will not move from this place. They are not saying they do not love that fiancé; however, the reason behind their wanting a prenuptial agreement because some parents have accumulated wealth, are funding trusts for their children or possibly handing over interest in family business to their children and want to ensure children’s financial interests are protected.

There are also the circumstances where there are children from a previous marriage and property that should be handed down should be protected. Furthermore, it can be used to protect the future spouse from debt. Utilizing a prenuptial agreement does not say that you are planning for your marriage to end in divorce. There are different circumstances which warrant a prenup and some circumstances that do not.

As a bride or groom, if you are presented with a prenuptial agreement and you are not a professional athlete, celebrity or even if your family does not come from wealth, there are several factors you should consider before signing this document:

1) How were you presented with the prenuptial agreement? Did you receive this document within weeks of the marriage or were you given the prenuptial agreement at least several months prior to the wedding? The timing of the document can say a lot about your future spouse. Did your future spouse hope that you were so in love with him or her that you would just sign the document and not read it? Once you read the document will you discover that you get nothing? What will you think about this person that you thought you knew so well?

2) You should consult with your own lawyer to review this document in its entirety and ask if there are clauses that need to be adjusted on the basis of fairness. It is important to make sure that it is fair on behalf of the husband and the wife.

I remember a few years ago, a friend was saying she had been presented with a prenuptial agreement and it was one-sided. This friend could not reach an agreement with her future spouse when it came to the prenuptial agreement and they ended up not getting married. Understand just like that situation, you could begin to see the true person when a prenuptial agreement is involved and even moreso if it involves money. Money tends to make people behave out of character or it is their true character.

We all know that money is a hard topic to talk about. One thing is for sure, if you are presented with a prenuptial agreement the discussion is being put on the table whether you like it or not. Does that mean a prenuptial agreement is a bad thing for you? Not necessarily. There are circumstances that call for a prenuptial and there are times when people are using it unnecessarily and causing strife. Either way, it is important that brides and grooms do their research prior to signing a prenuptial agreement. I don’t advocate signing it because you know they love you without doing your due diligence. The message behind a prenuptial agreement may be the opposite of what you thought.

Recommended Reading:

Brides and grooms dealing with money matters prior to marriage:
http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/2009/11/30/engaged-couples-dealing-with-money-matters/

For more information regading prenuptial agreements, visit the link:
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-29569.html

A few weeks ago I interviewed Marcus and Gloria Whyte, Life and Relationship Coaches. I asked them what does it take to make a marriage work in 2010 and we were off and running for the next hour on Money and Marriage Xposed radio.

Listen to this interview and be ready to take action. Marcus and Gloria are great examples of a “TEAM” and keeping it real. They know life happens and it is all about how you handle situations.

Engaged Couples you should take a look. I invite you to Share, subscribe or leave comments.

There may be an instance or two where a bride is paying for her own wedding instead of her parents. She could easily be in position where she has saved money for her wedding, is working and will continue to have money after her wedding expenses. Should this be frowned upon by friends and colleagues? Personally I don’t think so, because the wedding will be paid for and the married couple will not start out their marriage with wedding bills.

It is important for couples to get to know each other as husband and wife, nurture their relationship after the wedding without financial stress. Let me tell you, when you are dealing with financial stress all you can think about is how are we going to pay the bills, not necessarily romance and continuing the honeymoon once you have returned.

Financial stress will cause you to point the finger and blame each other for different financial choices that are causing this strain. If the strain is sooo heavy, you might not be able to see your way out. This is the time when most couples will seek guidance because they were not prepared for the financial stress and strain on the relationship.

If the bride is in the position to pay it can be a good thing. If she is thinking about the money as “OURS” versus “HERS” then that will be a good thing. That can make the difference instead of her thinking of it as hers and her maybe potentially rubbing it in his face later that she paid for the wedding.

Enjoy the process of planning your wedding and knowing that when you prepare to walk down the aisle, it is all PAID for.

Claire and Cliff go to the kitchen and when they return, Denise is waiting with Martin. They immediately say we cannot say that we have been told a lot about you. Denise feels in the hot seat, however she is being quiet and letting Martin dig the hole even deeper…divorce, child..

If your fiance had this background, what would your parents say about your pending marriage?

Take a look: