Posts Tagged ‘mistakes’
Are you reading this and are a bride to be or even a groom? Do you have a financial plan before you say “I Do”? The plan cannot be don’t discuss it and it will all go away. Hmmm, I wonder how many people who thought that prior to getting married are no longer married. I bet you could find some, maybe even close friends, family members or even co-workers. They may not say anything to you beforehand, but afterwards – you will get more advice than you need.
Yes, I understand completely that it is hard to talk about money. But is it harder to lose the love of your life because of financial issues that smothered the marriage to where you could no longer talk to each other? Or is it harder to be faced with losing your home because you did not speak up and get financial guidance to stop the vicious cycle of debt you were in because of a lack of knowledge? Could you literally be one phone call or email away from an answer that could turn your life around or finances around but you will not know because you are embarrassed to share that you have made financial mistakes?
At the end of the day, you are making a choice about your finances, marriage and your future. What do you want to see happen for your money and marriage? How does it happen? I can assure you, embarrassment and not taking action only causes you to remain the way you are.
I must admit when I saw this, my heart almost sank because it saddened me and gave me cause for concern. Why? Women all over the world think they are in love with men like this and there is a lot to think about before getting even more serious. I imagine this person already knows the answer to the question: Do I continue the relationship?
The first thing that I want this writer to know is this, you cannot ignore those red flags that are coming up in your spirit. Let’s be honest. You are already questioning whether or not you should continue this relationship for several reasons:
1) The man has debt from a prior marriage and a wedding which are two separate items. Sure the wedding debt is part of it but he has other debt. Yes, I heard that and read it without your saying it. So you are already concerned that if the two of you get serious that he will not ever have any money.
2) Sure you love him and thinks he feels the same way, but is it enough? Well, more than likely if this has not alreadyhappened, you will end up paying for the majority of your dates or extra expenditures even before you get married if the relationship were to go that far.
3) I sense that you could easily become resentful if you are the only one that is coming to the table with money. The question is if he has all this debt, is he working and what is his game plan to pay off the debt? Before you heavily consider getting married, you need to ensure that he has a realistic financial plan for cleaning up this debt (I recommend) prior to entering into another marriage. The idea of him entering into another marriage with debt from a previous wedding sounds like toooo much pressure on a new marriage.
** Reason I say pressure is because when you think the money should be applied towards the new household (which you and he have), that money could be going towards his previous household.
4) What are the red flags saying to you? I imagine you are also not comfortable discussing this with anyone because you know what they would say. Be true to yourself. There is no reason to pretend because that only lasts so long. Furthermore, that could end up costing you more in the long run.
Ladies, before you go any further evaluate everything – your debt and his debt. What is his plan for paying off the debt which should not involve you? What is your financial plan for yourself. Money is very important and when you have a situation like this, do not avoid the discussion by any means.
Last night I received this question from a colleague via my facebook page. Yes, I am on facebook as well. This is the exact wording – I still find so many do not discuss money before they get married. Why is that? What are your thoughts? It is such a vital topic that people seem to avoid for one reason or another.
I kept thinking about it last night and decided to write on it today. Money has been labeled that “taboo” topic. However, people are beginning to talk about it because of what has happened with the economy. Most of the ones that are discussing it though are already married. The effect of the economy when it comes to brides and grooms are discussing how to have their dream wedding for less. There are couples that are even going so far as to ask their guests to pay for their wedding. Mind you, some of those couples are getting married for the second time and I have clear views on that, but I digress.
Below are some of the reasons I know people are not talking about money before marriage:
1) Fear – Afraid if they tell their soon to be spouse about their financial mistakes, they will break off the engagement or wedding. Result: Other financial mistakes occur while you are not sharing about the initial ones.
2) Secret – Believe if they can just get beyond the wedding day, then they will be the ones to manage the money and their spouse will not find out. Result: it does eventually come out and can lead to arguments and trust being removed.
3) Caught UP in the Wedding Day – Both the bride and groom are so “caught up” in the wedding day, they do not even think to talk about money. Result: as soon as the honeymoon is over and the other one finds out about their debt, the arguments begin, distrust occurs and much more.
4) Denial – Don’t discuss money because they think they have a handle on everything. Result: As soon as that unexpected financial expense happens, they don’t know what to do. Usually turn to mom and dad instead of each other.
5) Want to be a statistic – By not discussing money before marriage, couples are choosing to go down the path of potentially becoming a divorce statistic. Getting divorced because of money.
6) Don’t soon to be spouse to they are a shopper. This way they can walk down the aisle and then attempt to curb it initially and then revert back to their trueself.
7) Lack of trust. They do not trust the person when it comes to money based on past baggage with someone else, so they are not even willing to open that door.
Those are some of the reasons people would not discuss money before marriage. I don’t agree with them because at the end of the day, all of them could lead to divorce court.
What do you think?
Being the researcher that I am, I was reviewing different press releases tonight to keep up on things happening in the marriage movement and I found a release titled Almost 2 million Brits Admit to hiding extravagant purchases from their spouse. WHOAAAA.
It says “The Bank’s research found that almost one in five (18.5%) people in debt and in a relationship claim to be hiding the true extent of their debt from their partner or spouse.” This is an international problem – talking about money apparently is not on the top of couples list.
It is time to change that because that is unbelievable. This goes to show that people are not comfortable even in marriage opening up and disclosing their financial challenges. Yet, when most people get married within their vows are included the words For Better or For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer. What does anyone have to gain from all this secrecy? I say nothing. However, you have a lot to LOSE by hiding these truths.
The way I see it, these financial challenges are temporary and once a husband or wife takes control of their finances it can all change. But if they choose to continue the secrets and managing money improperly, more than likely the door will be open for additional financial challenges. I will let you in on a secret – until you begin correcting and talking about the financial mistakes, you are in a vicious cycle of making more mistakes and incurring more financial stress in your life.
Take control of your finances today and do not be controlled by your finances. There is a big difference.
I had to watch this movie a second time to make sure it fit the marriage and money movie reviews. I am sooooo glad I did because it was a great addition. This movie had various dynamics that I am going to point out that can benefit so many on different levels. Take your time when you are reading these reviews because if you can think back to the movie, you can see these different points of view.
Without giving too much away this movie dealt with an affluent family, race, unemployment, lies, and money. One of my favorite actors that I got to see in person and truly miss that was in the movie – the late Bernie Mac. Ashton Kutcher was also in this movie.
Ashton plays Simon in this movie and has become engaged to Bernie’s (Percy) daughter – Teresa. Simon and Teresa are going to her parents for the weekend to celebrate their 25th anniversary. She has not told her parents that he is white. Percy has pulled Simon’s credit report and is pleased with what he sees. When they arrive, Percy mistakes the cab driver, who is black for his daughter, Teresa’s boyfriend. Then when Simon introduces himself as her boyfriend, Percy is taken shocked. Percy looks around to see if anyone sees Simon standing in the yard and says we need to go inside. Then he begins in on Simon with the 20 questions. He is very suspicious of simon.
Percy later asks his wife, why didn’t the daughter tell them he was white. Wife admits she had figured it out. Simon begins contacting old friends and colleagues to see if he can get a job before anyone discovers he does not have a job. Percy does not like him from the start and wants to take him to a hotel.
Do not hide your financial background from your soon to be spouse. When the truth is revealed it could divide and destroy your relationship and marriage. There is nothing wrong with putting your cards on the table to ensure the one you love knows you are not attempting to keep secrets, especially financial secrets.
Do not lie about your employment situation. You can only pretend so much and it will catch up with you.
Money Tip #1: If you love someone, love them regardless of income.
Money Tip #2: For parents, do not make your grown son or daughter feel as if their choices are wrong when it comes to a mate without talking with your future son or daughter-in-law.
Money Tip #3: Do not prejudge a person based on the color of their skin. That type of discrimination affects a person as a whole which includes their work performance.
Money Tip #4: Parents should be knowledgeable of how their future son or daughter-in-law handle different financial situations.
When it comes to love, race should not matter. Your heart does not discriminate – love who you love and enjoy life.
Do not lie about your employment because it will affect the entire household. Once you say “I Do”, all situations (employment, education, financial and more) affect the household.
If you start out lying to your future spouse, you will slip up and the relationship could begin to deteriorate.
1) Be honest and proud of your soon-to-be spouse. You are the one that has to live with the person and make joint decisions. You should not be embarrassed about this person or anything.
2) Know that when you enter into a marriage and it is different races, you can get the looks and even some comments – do not address people’s ignorance. Love the one you are with because they love you. You don’t have to impress anyone.
3) Talk WITH each other versus AT each other. The power of speech also affects your finances, ability to work effectively and efficiently whether you work for someone else or have your own business.
4) When you are building a relationship with your in-laws, it takes time. Build the relationship without passing judgment. This is your soon-to-be spouse’s parents.
5) Before you borrow money from parents or in-laws, know up front that a lot can happen from that i.e. change in the relationship, parents watching how you spend (they may think you are wasting their money) money and more. Make sure everyone understands whether it is a gift or a loan.
Stop the Press! This was one of the best movies I had seen and it was not what I suspected. Favs on the screen Shemar Moore, Bill Bellamy, DL Hugley, Tatyana Ali, Jennifer Lewis and Morris Chestnut. Haven’t seen this one in quite a while but sure enough it will probably come on TV within the next couple of weeks because I said that.
Lots of dynamics in this movie and let’s see if I can hit the highlights of this one.
Jackson (played by Morris Chestnut) he is a doctor and has major commitment issues. Found it interesting that he had a dream of a woman in a wedding dress with a gun.
Brian (played by Bill Bellamy) who is a lawyer and has a very distorted view of women. This is due in part to his mother and her lack of affection towards him and his brother which carried over into his adulthood.
Derrick (played by DL Hughley) he is the married and devoted man that would like to try different sexual things with his wife and she is all about one way.
Terry (played by Shemar Moore) who is the womanizer and yet the one who is settling down.
Regardless of what happens with your parents, even when you are an adult, handle your financial responsibilities. Jackson’s parents even though they were divorced, they counted on him. So did his sister.
When it comes to Brian whose mother did not show him any affection, he did not let his emotions stop him from pursuing his profession as a lawyer. He even said that the younger brother could move in with him. Very responsible individual.
Money Tip #1: Manage your money. These gentleman did take care of business regardless of what was happening.
Money Tip #2: Husbands and wives you should be talking openly about finances throughout your marriage.
Money Tip #3: Money and marriage is a commitment, take it one step at a time.
Money Tip #4: If you make a financial mistake, learn from it and make better decisions the next time.
Commitment can cause people to be afraid. Stop and ask yourself what are you afraid of and why. Then make sure you do not carry that baggage into any new relationship especially if it leads to marriage.
Jackson’s dream did come true about the woman standing there in a bridal gown with a gun. It was not his bride though and the woman had just lost it. Brides and grooms a lot of pressure comes with wedding plan and making sure everything is just right on that day. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Keep the lines of communication open.
(1) Do not wait until a problem arise in the finances to talk about money. You should be talking about money in marriage all the time, evaluating goals and making adjustments where necessary.
(2) Take your vows seriously. Recognize that husbands and wives are partners and are supposed to be there for each other in good times and bad, rich and poor. If a husband and wife can make it through financial difficulty and come out on the other side, then they can handle anything.
(3) Do not let what happens with or in your parents marriage dictate your stand on marriage and relationships. If you do, you could end up in a very serious and devastating situation.
Life happens and you are the one that controls how you HANDLE life.
If you need a financial education program that you can utilize throughout your marriage, go to http://www.moneytalkmatters.com/products and get your copy of Money Talk Before the Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar today.
This is yet another movie that any time it comes on, I have to stop and watch it all the way through. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorites and such a diverse actress she is. I’m sure you’ve heard the story before – young woman from a small town is married to a professional man. They have a child together. She is brought on television thinking she is going to get a makeover by a friend only to find out that her husband has been having an affair with this best friend. She leaves him and has to move back home with her mother.
She has to start over and has much to deal with being a single mother, a not so good relationship with her mother, old flame and more. You must watch this movie.
She was not aware her husband was having an affair and once she became aware she was not financially sound to stand on her own. She had to move back home to her parents home which was not an easy thing to do based on her estranged relationship with her mother.
Money Tip #1 – This is for women – yes you are a wife and you are a woman. Meaning you should know how to manage money even if you have a husband as well as what is happening with the household finances.
Money Tip #2 – If you are put in the position of having to divorce your husband and return to a familiar place with relatives, you do not need to explain your situation to those relatives. If you move back in with your parents, you can choose what you share with them when it comes to your finances.
Money Tip #3 – You are an adult now and do not allow old high school friends or college friends that were competitive with you talk down to you based on what they are assuming is happening in your life. Hold your head up high and take care of your business – finances and all.
It is clear in this movie that Sandra Bullock’s daughter wanted to be with the father and blames the mother for the breakup. As a parent it is important that you share information that the child(ren) need to know. It is not necessary to “bad mouth” the other parent. The child(ren) will make their own judgment based on what they see and hear. If your ex or soon-to-be ex is not paying child support nor spending time with the child(ren), you make memories with your child(ren) and let them know how much they are loved. Divorce and separation affects children and households in many ways. Get your finances in order and know what it takes to make your situation work.
(1) Set the example for your child(ren) that you would want them to be as a young married couple. Teach them about money and managing money early on.
(2) Do no let your personal information become the “town” news of the day. What happens in your marriage and finances is not anyone’s business.
(3) We all love our parents, but do not let your parents opinions cause you to drift into depression which leads to inactivity. It is a costly position to be in.
(4) Do not let the emotional pain of your past cause you to make financial mistakes in your present thereby affecting your future.
(5) Protect the child(ren) from being devastated by a lack of the other parent’s involvement in their lives. This can have long term effects even when they are young adults, husbands and wives. Make lasting memories and it does not have to cost a fortune.
One of my all time favorites and every time it comes on, I have stop and watch it. Yes it draws me in and I have to get my popcorn. This movie has sooo many facets that I am going to share a little more detail than usual in order that you will see it is worthy of being part of this database.
These women can act – Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine, Darryl Hannah and Olympia Dukakis. What a cast. This movie takes place in northwest Louisiana – two thumbs up for that. Many women experience stories happening around the beauty parlor. This story is no different – the action takes place around Truvy’s beauty parlor with women who are regulars. I can see it now, if you are like me when I go to the “hair shop” there are the regulars that I talk with when I see them. Catch up on family life and our thoughts about politics, etc.
Sally Field plays M’Lynn the mother of Shelby and married to Drum.
Julia Roberts plays Shelby who marries a rich lawyer and deals with diabetes, becomes a parent and faces death.
Dolly Parton plays Truvy, the owner of the beauty parlor whose husband is generally unhappy and has a hard time finding employment.
Shirley MacLaine plays Ouizer who has been married a couple of times before, she has money but has such an interesting disposition.
Darryl Hannah plays Annelle the 19 yr old beauty shop assistant. That has left her husband and becomes very religious.
Olympia Dukakis plays the role of Clairee who is a widow and has quite the interesting friendship with Ouizer.
There are different roles of money when it comes to marriage – paying for a wedding, parenting, health and even business ownership.
Money Tip #1: Weigh the consequences of all financial decisions, short and long-term consequences.
Money Tip #2: When you are an entrepreneur, be sure to include your spouse in business plans and financial decisions.
Money Tip #3: If a spouse is having a hard time finding work, do not rub it in. Talk with them about their dreams and see how you can help them. This affects the bottom line.
Truvy loved her husband and tried to bring some holiday cheer into their home. Even when finances are tight, you can still celebrate your marriage, love and coming out of financial challenges.
Annelle shows up in town after having left her husband, she did not have anything. No job, no car and has to make a new start. Make sure that you both are involved in the household finances so that if something happens, the other spouse can carry on with life.
1) I cannot stress enough think “BIG PICTURE”. What is it you would like to accomplish?
2) Do not let your marriage make you ungrateful for who you are and the life you live.
3) If you are in a second marriage, do not compare your current husband or wife to your ex. That is a costly mistake.
4) Continue supporting your husband and wife even in difficult times.
THIS IS A MUST SEE MOVIE.
As I was reading through different stories, this one caught my attention Money Before Baby. Based on the title alone, let’s be honest readers I am sure you know how this story goes. Woman has a girlfriend who is married and is pregnant. She’s happy, yet she cries. Her biological clock is ticking and she is dating someone who she would consider marrying but is not married yet.
To top it off, finances are mess and so she is not ready by any means to start a family. Does it have to be this way, of course not? It does not have to take the biological clock ticking in order to get your finances in order either. That is something that should be or should have been happening all along.
Now you have begun to think about it and are putting yourself in the place of making more mistakes if you base making these choices on biological clock, OB-Gyn is saying this, looking at your ages. There are consequences to all these decisions. I would say focus on getting your finances in order and begin talking more about the finances.
Actually maybe even before talking about the finances is discussing where your relationship is headed. There should be order to every relationship and decisions made. Next focus on the finances and establishing mutual financial goals. If you bring a baby into a relationship without marriage and financial problems… there could very well be more problems.
Do not be over anxious and make hasty decisions because your married girlfriends are having babies.
This is one of my favorite topics because people limit intimacy based on their own thinking. As I was going through different articles this morning, I discovered one titled Relationship intimacy is enhanced by money talk.
It discusses how you need to treat your marriage like a business. You would not start a business without a business plan, expenditures and etc. Then they provide questions you should ask before you get hitched. I agree that you should be talking about money before you walk down the aisle with this caveat, if you begin the money talk understand it is an ongoing conversation throughout the lifetime of the marriage.
Money has more than one role in a marriage and it is important for couples to recognize they have to set a financial foundation for their marriage. They have to set mutual financial goals and achieve them together. Being able to discuss financial mistakes and financial achievements without stress, frustration will definitely lead to greater intimacy in marriage.
Start talking openly about money today.