Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

I have been busy over the last few weeks between the kids, my husband and I talking and evaluating our businesses over and over it has been lots of fun. Communciation is key when you are married. Talking with your loved one about the concerns you have, your dreams, your goals and even the things that you are afraid of. Yes, that’s right I said if there are things you are afraid of open up about them as well.

From day one, my husband and I have always been each other’s biggest supporter. Having said that it was fun talking about the growth we want to see in each of the businesses and stepping out of the box to make it happen. Believing in ourselves and what we have to offer was absolutely great. What would you do if your spouse was your biggest encourager? Where do you think your marriage and money would be if you were on the same page and had mutual financial goals?

I have watched different Court tv shows which some are my favorite, but when I watch these people I think what were they thinking when they say I Do. Clearly some people were not thinking. It is evident that they should not have been getting married because they were too young and not ready to be someone’s spouse.

Marriage and money means working together and not against each other. There will be issues come up that you do not even expect but believe this if you can work THROUGH them together, your marriage will be stronger for it.

The idea when you say “I Do” should be to be married for a lifetime. With marriage comes different challenges and issues. Your first thought should be how can we work it out instead of its your fault and I am out of here.  You didn’t get married to suddenly be divorced and single. Together you can accomplish much.

This post has been coming for a couple of days and I decided to write it today. I am sure the title caught your attention Planning for the Wedding and Failing at the Marriage. It means just what it says. Let’s me break it down. Many women have been dreaming about their wedding day every since they can remember. They have been able to see that day in their minds, the dress, who would be in the bridal party and so much more.

Once they become engaged, the wedding planning begins to carry out exactly what that dream is that has been in their mind for years. Reading various bridal magazines, attending bridal show after bridal show, going to bridal shops and even watching various shows.. Say Yes To The Dress and much more. Then you begin talking with girlfriends in detail about your plans and even your parents.

This day.. Your Wedding day must come off without a hitch. You are taking the time and attention to ensure this happens just as you have dreamed. For some of you that means you hire a wedding planner, for others of you that means you do it yourself and either way there are checklist invovled. You make sure all the I’s are dotted and the T’s are crossed. You WILL NOT, down right REFUSE to leave anything to chance.

The wedding day approaches and you have confidence that everything is the way you want it. Minutes after saying “I Do” comes the marriage. What have you done to plan for the marriage? We all know the statistics money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

What have you done to plan for your money and marriage? How do you handle your fiance coming into the marriage with debt and NOT paying his bills but you don’t find out until weeks after you say “I Do”.  When you were talking about the wedding expenses, you were continuing to plan for the wedding and nothing else.

What will you do if he is the money manager and does not want to have a joint account with you? If this hurts your feelings, what will you do afterwards? What if you are bringing bills into the marriage, he knows about it and has agreed to help you pay off your debt BUT wants a full accounting of your money? How will you handle that? Does he deserve to get a full accounting? Do you get offended and say I don’t want your help because you are now faced with a lack of trust on your part? Even as you are reading this, do you honestly know what financial obligations are being brought into the marriage by your future spouse? Have you talked about it? Have you seen things that are red flags but are choosing to ignore it because you want to be married?

Sure, I could go on and on because I live money and marriage every day. I know money is not a romantic or even a “warm fuzzy feeling kind of topic”. Yet, marriages are ending every day because of money issues that husbands and wives did not “TALK” (not argue) about and reach solutions. Before you plan another detail for your wedding, take the time and begin PLANNING and GETTING answers for your impending MARRIAGE.

To learn how to communicate about money in the comfort of your own home, grab your copy today of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar financial education program for engaged couples and newlyweds. Your marriage does not have to be like everyone else’s filled with financial stress and strain, being called at work with complaints from the spouse about finances and more.

Money and marriage is a private topic and embarrassing if you have made some wrong choices. That is one of the reasons this program was developed so couples could get answers in the comfort of their own home behind closed doors. Whether they do it together or one spouse listens first and then shares with the other it is a flexible program. You learn how to TALK with each other about money, how to decide who the money manager should be, recognizing shopper and saver characteristics and more.

I wanted to take this time and share with you that during National Marriage Week as I was faciliating Money and Marriage Teleseminars, my husband and I were celebrating 14 wonderful years of marriage. We came into our marriage with our eyes open. What do I mean by that?

We both came into our marriage with debt and disclosed that information fully to each other. We knew that we had made mistakes and did not judge each other, yet we let that catapult our relationship into a STRONG and FORMIDABLE team. How many of you have heard… A THREEFOLD CORD is NOT EASILY BROKEN! Amen!

When we talked about getting married, my mindset was I do not want to incur anymore debt for a wedding. Sure it was my first and only marriage; however knowing what I knew about the existing debt, I was not of the mind to create more. I WANTED to be OUT OF DEBT and so did he. So we agreed on a Justice of the Peace ceremony. Our family was not in town and I am not big on crowds.

We got married and paid for everything we needed in cash and were still able to continue with life. What did we do about the DEBT? We established a five year plan to pay it off that we could live with. Bless GOD – we did it in two and a half years WITHOUT filing bankruptcy, WITHOUT buying and selling houses – WE WORKED the PLAN. So when I talk to you about Money and Marriage – Telling you first hand experience.

Remember each one of us came to our marriage with debt – things that we did in our past without the other person yet we had to handle the ramifications of those choices we made separately together. What did those things include include….effects of bankruptcy, creditor calls, restoration from being homeless, not having a bank account, not being able to or comfortable talking with family about money issues, not comfortable enough to talk with anyone in our church, let alone our friends, challenges in our Faith and much more.

As we celebrated our 14 years of Marital Happiness, Love, Family and LASTING when others thought we would not make it – our twins were celebrating with us. They simply adore their example of marriage, love and happiness. We make sure and create memories for them that they will never forget. They do the same for us.

So for those of you that are engaged, newly married and married for many years, keep on pressing on and HAVE A PLAN. Even at 14 years we have plans that are short-term and long-term. We have fun making them as well as making them a reality and going beyond them.

To my Hubby, thank you my Love for who you are, whose you are and all that you are becoming. Thank you for 14 years of trials & triumphs, happy times and sad times, the ever growing TESTIMONY that our Marriage and Family is.

Ladies and Gentleman, last week was one of the best weeks that I have had in a long time. It was a week filled with faciliating Money and Marriage Teleseminars during National Marriage Week. I must say WOW! What a week it was. Thank you to Rev. Angela Chester who kicked off our week with Faith and Finances. Talk about setting the tone and knowing that you have to STAND on YOUR FAITH in Good time  and Bad, whew – she set the tone. She shared about women encouraging their husband’s and that the “MALE EGO is VERY FRAGILE” how you must be careful, especially in faith and marriage.

When Tuesday came, I was ready to hear what Mary Chatman, CEO of Love Life Designs, LLC was going to say. She shared with the audience how it is important to keep romance alive even after several years have passed by. How your tone is also a factor in marriage.  Mary shared how couples have to talk about romance and their desires, furthermore that it is more than sexuality. Then she got into how romance appears to take a back seat when the finances are not right. We briefly talked about wives talking with their girlfriends about their relationship and how that shouldn’t happen because girlfriends cannot change their marriage.

From there Wednesday came and the Black Marriage and Money panel was ready for it. Dr. Harold Arnold, Talayah Stovall and Christine Pembleton came on the scene and set the record straight when it comes to Black Marriage and Money. They started out saying yes the statistic is there; however, who was the group that was looked at, furthermore if you start buying into all of the statistics or propoganda we make it a fulfilled prophecy by living it. Oooh, this conversation was “ON”. This panel ROCKED  – discussing youth, media, marriage and money and we felt as if we only scratched the surface. Before we knew it, we were out of time. Stay tuned there will be another time when we get together.

Thursday came in with much EXCITEMENT and I knew it was going to be another night of affecting CHANGE and INSPIRATION for those on the call. Teisha Shelby Houston was no joke. This SISTER, MOTHER, WIFE, Entrepreneur discussed the essentials of communciating with the spouse about being an entrepreneur, as well as RESPECTING EACH OTHER… whew. I tell you what she said, it’s okay if you have to get a job while building your business and continue moving forward. Teisha shared a lot just like each EXPERT and one of the things that was CRUCIAL when it comes to being an Entrepreneur is RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH. I am telling you they all know their stuff.

As the week of teleseminars was coming to an end with Suzanne Mayo, Director of Black America Saves I was still filled with soooo much excitement. Suzanne was on the teleseminar and from the JUMP talked about the importance of Saving. Thinking BIG and Starting Small. As long as you start, it will get BIGGER. Suzanne shared from personal experience and even expanded this discussion into Health and Wealth and how if your health is having some issues, more than likely your money is too. Whoooo. I second that. I have seen people that have financial issues which causes stress and then they began to have symptoms of health issues, they go to the doctor and they cannot figure out what is wrong. We could have went on for hours.

As I said this was a great week and it has only just begun. Definitely stay tuned to this blog for more teleseminars, courses and chats.  Money and marriage is a lifestyle like no other. Its time you work it to your benefit and not your detriment.

Last year when we witnessed first hand the economy decline, marriages were tested on new levels. Christian marriages were also tested and some ended in divorce because of the finances. How does a husband and wife hold on to their faith when it seems as if their finances are becoming less and less. They are praying, yet they do not see a change in their situation.

What is a husband or wife to do when one spouse is continuing to hold on to their faith, yet the other spouse’s faith has been shaken.  Now not only is the marriage dealing with the financial issues but now they will be dealing with shaken faith which impacts the marriage on a different level. How does a couple hold on when it appears what they are doing is not working?

Join Dr. Taffy and Rev. Angela Chester on February 8, 2010 at 8pm EST as they discuss Faith and Finances for the beginning of the Money and Marriage Teleseminars during National Marriage Week.

Sign up here for the call in information: http://financesandfaith.eventbrite.com/

Today, I was doing my research and reading on Marriage and Money of course. I came across this story on Abcnews.com titled Marriage and Money: Husbands get the financial benefit – which I would strongly recommend you read.

This article discusses how women today are bringing home more income than their husbands. Some find it difficult to cope with. I must share with you, my husband and I have always been of the mindset that it does not matter who brings home more or less as long as the household bills are taken care of. We have experienced in our marriage seasons where his income has been greater for several years and then other years mine has been greater. Regardless, we have always taken care of our household and did not let that become an issue for us.

Caution: Do not get caught up in what “SOCIETY” has to say about the husband bringing home more money than the woman or even vice versa. What husbands and wives should focus on at the end of the day is what works for their marriage, are their mutual financial goals being accomplished and are the household finances being taken care of. That is all that matters.

Do not even allow friends or family members to speak negatively about either spouse’s earning potential. It is all about you and your husband (and kids if applicable) but that’s it.

Brides and Grooms: This morning I decided to write this post and say Don’t be blinded by love and miss the financial issues that are staring you in the face. If you are engaged to a person and you see financial issues presenting themself but you because you are so in love you do not ask questions, you are literally setting yourself up for financial conflict later.

Yes, financial conflict because there will come a time when you cannot ignore it anymore and want some answers. If you are marrying your best friend, the person that you can talk to about anything then when financial concerns enter your thoughts, take the time to stop and ask the questions.

Maybe the person does not realize they are on this course of financial destruction. Your asking the question could make them stop and say wow, I did not think that is what I was doing.  Furthermore, if you can begin communicating now about money while you are engaged it makes it that much easier to communicate about money in your marriage.

You should not wait until you have a financial challenge to discuss money. Money in marriage is an ongoing discussion not a one time and it is all good discussion. Do not set yourself up like that.

For those of you that are young and getting married, pay attention and do not think you cannot or should not ask the questions. You do not have to be a part of the “norm” that does not talk about money prior to marriage. Step outside of the box and begin talking today.

Brides and grooms there is no reason to fear discussing money before marriage if your soon to be spouse is your best friend, the person you can talk to about everything and the one you are marrying for love and not money. Regardless of what financial mistakes that were made prior to your saying “I Do”, you should put the cards on the table.

There are a variety of benefits to discussing money before marriage such as:

(1) Trust – If you can openly and honestly discuss your finances before you get marriage this can increase the level of trust within your marriage. This could say to your future spouse that you trust them and love them enough to share even the not so pretty picture so they are not broadsided later by an ugly truth.

(2) Teamwork – This presents to your future spouse teamwork versus division because of money. Discussing money before marriage allows both sides to see what each other did right and what mistakes might have been made. Furthermore, the two of you can come together and discuss a way to resolve financial issues together. This in itself can reveal how you will handle financial challenges once you are married.

(3) Financial Goals – Talking about money early gives you an opportunity to establish mutual financial goals. This gives you a glimpse into what you have to look forward to once you are married and how you can think about the short and long-term consequences of decisions made. You will see whether each one will fight to have their own way or be willing to compromise and work for the benefit of the relationship.

(4) Can keep you from being a statistic – Discussing money before marriage instead of keeping financial secrets from your groom to be, could keep your marriage from becoming a divorce statistic due to the lack of financial discussions.

The topic of savers and spenders marrying continue to be a hot topic. I know firsthand that this is true even of my own marriage. I read an article a couple of days ago that was titled Why Savers and Spenders Marry . The author shares how her husband started a new job teaching in the fall and suggested he might need some new work clothes. She braced herself for a fight. To her surprise – she calls him Mr. Frugal, he agreed with her.

I know when I met my husband, he was a shopper to his heart. Believe me when I say shopper, I mean it seriously. One of the first things he asked me was to write down all of my sizes – clothes, shoes and jewelry. I must say this floored me because that had not ever happened. Mind you I did what he asked. Once we got married, he would shop for me. This was great because I HATE shopping. I love to shop for books (I am an avid reader) but not clothes. I don’t do Christmas shopping like most. I have to make my list of what I want, where it is at. Go in, purchase it and come out.

Okay, back to the post – so when we got married we agreed on a plan to clean up our debt. Within our plan we also decided to balance his spending and he agreed. So we established healthy boundaries in money management. So the shopper became conservative and saving.  I believe that in every saver and spender their is a part of the other perspective in each. It just depends on what you would purchase. Because I turn into a shopper when it comes to books, however, for anything else I am a saver.

Husbands and wives, brides and grooms  – open communciation and being honest about who you are is essential. If you are a shopper, you are a shopper. If you are a saver, you are a saver. Do not let that role cause you to live an unhappy marriage and life. Work together for common goals in the financial aspect of your marriage.

Iknow reading that title many of you are already thinking of what grade you are. I want you to read this post and be honest with yourself. Only you know what your money and marriage is about. Take the time to read through and be determined this day to make a change.

Grade  A -  You and your spouse openly and honestly communicate about money in marriage weekly if not several times a week. You have mutual financial goals set and are accomplishing those goals. No one person is bearing the financial burden. You and your spouse have dealt with financial challenges and survived them together without letting the stress of the financial challenges change who you are. You have learned that your love can conquer all and you work together as a team not as opponents. There is no pointing the finger in this grade, each accepts responsibility for financial mistakes and move on to solutions. Husbands and wives in this category have discovered what works best for them joint account or separate account or a combination of both. Have taken financial classes and also helped other couples.

Grade B – You and your spouse communicate about money about twice a month. One person is managing the money and makes sure the other one is knowledgeable about the finances. The person managing the money is bearing the burden of knowing immediately about the finances and tends to stress about it before talking with the other. There have been times when the money manager has been overwhelmed with the financial challenges and managed to get it resolved without including the spouse. When the money manager is overwhelmed it is evident that the personality changes which adds more stress to the marriage. Once it is resolved, returned to natural self. Will get financial help if they feel it is necessary.

Grade C -  You and your spouse are not communicating about money until an unexpected emergency happens. Then you go into panic mode and operate out of desperation. Once the emergency is solved, you return to the same behavior of not talking about money. The person that is managing the money, pays some bills and not others hoping that the spouse does not find out. There are no mutual financial goals. One person begins to feel as if there needs are not being met due to a lack of finances. Want to get help but think you cannot afford it and that leads to more financial mistakes.

Grade D -   You and your spouse found out that one of you came into the marriage with existing debt and doesn’t like it one bit. Furthermore, that person is a shopper. The silent treatment has set in because emotions have taken over because they had a different expectation for their marriage relationship than what is actually happening. The spouse without debt is not even sure if they are going to stay. Every day they think about it while at work and dread coming home because it makes them mad. This spouse without the debt is being driven by emotions and does not even want to look at what could be a solution. This makes the marriage very stressful and could also lead to health problems.  There are thoughts of getting out of debt but embarrassment stops you.

Grade F – There is no communication on any level about money. There is no joint account  – everything is separate. Both parties place the blame on each other which leads to no resolution. They keep ending up in the vicious cycle of debt. All they see is continuous debt and say to themselves why bother, not sure if this marriage is going to last anyway. Husband and wife came to the marriage with financial baggage and things are unraveling in a fast past. While the money issues are unraveling, the husband and wife are growing father and father apart. This couple is not thinking about money and marriage issues in any way, shape or form.

This post was designed to make you evaluate your money and marriage relationship. Are you talking enough? If you would like counseling or want the financial education program I created, send me an email via drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.