Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Brides, Grooms, Husbands and Wives take a note. When you enter into marriage realize that prior to your saying I do, you had a life outside of your mate. That life included making financial decisions that were good and some financial decisions that might have been not as good. The money mistakes are a part of you if you chose not to clean them up prior to marriage and are a part of your marriage.

They are a part of your marriage because you will think about them. Once your spouse finds out about them voluntarily or involuntarily is entirely up to you. The result can be different. The question I ask you today is this: Could the financial baggage that is surfacing in your relationship becoming detrimental to the welfare of your union? If so, then what are the steps that you are taking to remove the baggage.

Baggage in itself is not a good thing. Usually tied to baggage of any nature is emotions which leads people to act hastily without thinking about all of the consequences.  Remember, every decision you make has a consequence. Take a few minutes to think long term and not short-term when it comes to your decisions.

The only time that I know of that baggage is good is if it is luggage and you are taking a much deserved vacation. Otherwise financial baggage is not good, revisiting old girlfriends or boyfriend baggage is not good and even previous employment situations that had baggage is not good. It is time to have a clear picture of what you want and where you want your finances and marriage to go.

With that in mind, quit living your past in the present. Live the PRESENT now and take care of NOW, TODAY and the future will take care of itself. This is not a time to keep looking behind you or you will miss opportunities in your present to get your finances in order, to impact your marriage for a lifetime and much more. Sure, it could be thought of as “Not the Norm” – it’s about time. Going along with the norm has ended marriages, caused separations and stopped people from talking about money in marriage. It is a New Day and time for New Financial Beginnings and Plans.

Don’t ignore the baggage.  Baggage  can overtake you or be overwhelming to your spouse. Talk with your spouse today, develop a plan to remove it and BEGIN removing it. You can talk about things all day BUT until you take action it’s just TALK.  JUST DO IT! BE IT!

There are many married couples where one person in the marriage is taking care of the money and the other person has no knowledge of what is truly happening with the household finances. I like to say there is a group of people that are managing money in marriage as a solo effort.

Solo means one. Doing alone. The problem with the solo effort is that the person in this position can get into financial situations where decisions need to be made that affect both the husband and the wife, not just one person. Marriage is the relationship that you are in and have; money is a facet of the marriage. It is important that both husband and wife participate in the financial facet of the marriage. You cannot put all of the responsibility on one person and then disagree with the consequences of the choices they made.

This solo effort can wind up making the person dealing with money feel soooo low that they cannot make an informed and educated financial decision. Yet the other person in the marriage has no idea what is truly happening with the finances until it is almost too late. If your marriage falls into this solo effort, stop it from continuing on this dangerous path and begin talking with your spouse today.

Inclusion is better than exclusion. When spouses are excluded from certain things, it can affect the marriage on a long-term basis. Do not put your spouse in the position of not knowing. Remove the solo effort today and include them in the household finances. You will not have to bear the burden of a lack of finances, late pays on bills and more on your own.

A united effort is better and produces better results. Don’t put all of the responsibility on one spouse. It affects both of you.

Iknow reading that title many of you are already thinking of what grade you are. I want you to read this post and be honest with yourself. Only you know what your money and marriage is about. Take the time to read through and be determined this day to make a change.

Grade  A -  You and your spouse openly and honestly communicate about money in marriage weekly if not several times a week. You have mutual financial goals set and are accomplishing those goals. No one person is bearing the financial burden. You and your spouse have dealt with financial challenges and survived them together without letting the stress of the financial challenges change who you are. You have learned that your love can conquer all and you work together as a team not as opponents. There is no pointing the finger in this grade, each accepts responsibility for financial mistakes and move on to solutions. Husbands and wives in this category have discovered what works best for them joint account or separate account or a combination of both. Have taken financial classes and also helped other couples.

Grade B – You and your spouse communicate about money about twice a month. One person is managing the money and makes sure the other one is knowledgeable about the finances. The person managing the money is bearing the burden of knowing immediately about the finances and tends to stress about it before talking with the other. There have been times when the money manager has been overwhelmed with the financial challenges and managed to get it resolved without including the spouse. When the money manager is overwhelmed it is evident that the personality changes which adds more stress to the marriage. Once it is resolved, returned to natural self. Will get financial help if they feel it is necessary.

Grade C -  You and your spouse are not communicating about money until an unexpected emergency happens. Then you go into panic mode and operate out of desperation. Once the emergency is solved, you return to the same behavior of not talking about money. The person that is managing the money, pays some bills and not others hoping that the spouse does not find out. There are no mutual financial goals. One person begins to feel as if there needs are not being met due to a lack of finances. Want to get help but think you cannot afford it and that leads to more financial mistakes.

Grade D -   You and your spouse found out that one of you came into the marriage with existing debt and doesn’t like it one bit. Furthermore, that person is a shopper. The silent treatment has set in because emotions have taken over because they had a different expectation for their marriage relationship than what is actually happening. The spouse without debt is not even sure if they are going to stay. Every day they think about it while at work and dread coming home because it makes them mad. This spouse without the debt is being driven by emotions and does not even want to look at what could be a solution. This makes the marriage very stressful and could also lead to health problems.  There are thoughts of getting out of debt but embarrassment stops you.

Grade F – There is no communication on any level about money. There is no joint account  – everything is separate. Both parties place the blame on each other which leads to no resolution. They keep ending up in the vicious cycle of debt. All they see is continuous debt and say to themselves why bother, not sure if this marriage is going to last anyway. Husband and wife came to the marriage with financial baggage and things are unraveling in a fast past. While the money issues are unraveling, the husband and wife are growing father and father apart. This couple is not thinking about money and marriage issues in any way, shape or form.

This post was designed to make you evaluate your money and marriage relationship. Are you talking enough? If you would like counseling or want the financial education program I created, send me an email via drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

Okay, I thought I had read it all but I was wrong. I was doing my usual research and discovered this story that a Psychic is sued for $80,500 after failing to heal a marriage. I cannot resist saying this WHAT! People are people and make decisions on the past, emotions, …BAGGAGE. I know you have heard the saying, they saw you coming. Clearly they saw this person coming.

When you have marriage issues, both people need to step back and be honest with each other about what they have and have not done that leads to marital issues and stress. There are reasons that people tend to react a certain way and husbands and wives need to take the time to truly get to know who they are married to. Sure marital stress does not begin right away but there could be previous situations that cause marital stress early once revealed.

Husbands and wives should not take each other for granted and appreciate who they are. They are going to change and grow throughout the relationship – that’s a given. Accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be.  Remember, no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. If you say you forgive, then forgive and move on. Do not keep bringing up the past to your spouse. If you do so, that means you did not truly forgive when you said you did. That in itself could also hurt the marriage.

Be careful whoyou consult for marriage counseling!

I must admit when I saw this, my heart almost sank because it saddened me and gave me cause for concern. Why? Women all over the world think they are in love with men like this and there is a lot to think about before getting even more serious. I imagine this person already knows the answer to the question: Do I continue the relationship?

The first thing that I want this writer to know is this, you cannot ignore those red flags that are coming up in your spirit. Let’s be honest. You are already questioning whether or not you should continue this relationship for several reasons:

1) The man has debt from a prior marriage and a wedding which are two separate items. Sure the wedding debt is part of it but he has other debt. Yes, I heard that and read it without your saying it.  So you are already concerned that if the two of you get serious that he will not ever have any money.

2) Sure you love him and thinks he feels the same way, but is it enough? Well, more than likely if this has not alreadyhappened, you will end up paying for the majority of your dates or extra expenditures even before you get married if the relationship were to go that far.

3) I sense that you could easily become resentful if you are the only one that is coming to the table with money. The question is if he has all this debt, is he working and what is his game plan to pay off the debt? Before you heavily consider getting married, you need to ensure that he has a realistic financial plan for cleaning up this debt (I recommend) prior to entering into another marriage.  The idea of him entering into another marriage with debt from a previous wedding sounds like toooo much pressure on a new marriage.

** Reason I say pressure is because when you think the money should be applied towards the new household (which you and he have), that money could be going towards his previous household.

4) What are the red flags saying to you? I imagine you are also not comfortable discussing this with anyone because you know what they would say. Be true to yourself. There is no reason to pretend because that only lasts so long. Furthermore, that could end up costing you more in the long run.

Ladies, before you go any further evaluate everything – your debt and his debt. What is his plan for paying off the debt which should not involve you? What is your financial plan for yourself. Money is very important and when you have a situation like this, do not avoid the discussion by any means.

This morning after class with our twins, I was doing some research and discovered this article that is titled, Is One Month Into Dating Too Soon to Get Hitched? Of course as suspected, this article is talking about famous people tying the knot after one month of dating. Then it goes on to share the pros and cons.

I started thinking about is there an approved dating period before marriage? Truly there are some people that get married in a short period of time after dating because they just know they have found their best friend, soul mate that they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Let me share my own example, many many years prior to meeting my husband, I had two serious relationships where one lasted for four years and the other was three years. Neither of those led me to walk down the aisle saying “I Do” and believe me every day of my life, I am truly thankful for that. There was waaaaaay to much drama in each.

But when I met my husband, we only dated for six months and then we were married. We knew after three months of dating that we were supposed to be married. We spent lots of time talking about our pasts, things we did and what we would like to do. I am a very no nonsense type of woman – what you see is what you get. No time for pretending to be someone else.

 Here is what I would have to say if someone is asking to get married after a month of dating or even a few weeks:

1) What is the hurry? Is there some information that you are about to find out that if you are married does not have to be disclosed? Is there some legal trouble they are about to get in and this would permit them to avoid it. 

2) Is their financial gain on the other person’s behalf by doing it sooo fast? You have to be very careful when it comes to a “rushed” marriage when you haven’t known each other for so long.

3)  Sometimes children are involved… enough said.

I am not saying that people should not get married. What I am saying is people should take the time to get to know each other and do not gloss over what could appear to be a “red flag” even while dating before moving on to walking down the aisle.

Marriage is a wonderful lifestyle and should not be entered into on a whim or because it is what everyone is doing. Take the time to date and have fun, it doesn’t stop once you are married to the right person.

Let me say right off I know this one is going to be loaded. When the question came in to my email, I thought to myself there are other wives this is happening to or vice versa. So let’s take it one step at a time.

Obviously the wife who wrote in anonymously found out after the fact. First question, how did she find out? Did she discover that money was missing from their joint accout? Or did he say, by the way honey a couple of weeks ago I loaned this friend some money?

I guarantee you the wife that wrote that sent that question in, is more than likely mad because he did it and she did not know about, may not even like the friend the money was loaned to and probably feels she cannot trust her man with their money because he will give it away to whomever he wants without talking with her about it as if she does not have a say so.

Money is a serious subject that cannot be avoided between a husband and wife. Husband and wives do you have an understanding about loaning money to friends, relatives or colleagues? If you do not, this is something that should be discussed beforehand. It will prevent the type of email I received.

When people lose trust in relationships, it is hard to get it back. It takes a lot of work. Then the question becomes did he really loan the money or give the money. Either way it is a serious discussion that must be had in order to prevent what the couple is dealing with right now in their relationship.

This is not saying you should not loan money, but husbands and wives should know what they agree on when it comes to loaning money, to whom and agreeing even on an amount that will not affect their household finances. Be careful, because you do not want to become a personal banker at the risk of your own marriage. It’s not worth the risk.

Last time I left you with the thought of if you were depending on God or your mate when it came to finances. I also said what is causing the divorce is deeper than money. We reference money as one of the top reasons for divorce but as I said before, money in itself cannot do anything.

When couples are arguing about money, they are arguing about 1) its mishandling – overspending and impulse buying which results in not having enough to pay bills or for other necessities; 2) an individual’s value system when it comes to money. Value system meaning your beliefs about how money should be handled, who should handle the money and what takes precedence when it comes to expenditures in the household. Value system is comprised of many factors especially when it comes to money – your environment, what you saw and experienced when you were growing up regarding money, your personal handling of money good and bad. All of these factors form your value system. So when your value system is challenged you react or respond a certain way.

Value system is big – so let me put it into perspective. For example, as a person that was raised by a single parent with little to no access to money, it would be within my value system to be very cautious about money, paying bills and making sure there is some left over. So it would not “feel good” to me to buy on impulse. Now from Married Christians perspective if you know that you are to pay your bills and you spend impulsively on a want versus a need and now you cannot pay your bills – the discussion is happening in a way you might not like.

So Married Christians may be divorcing and utilizing money as the reason but it is not the reason it is their value system being challenged. They have had enough. Money issues affect more than the husband or the wife, it affects their relationship, performance at work, if they have children (them as well), household bills and more.

Before you decide to file for divorce, think things through and be honest. Think about your actions when it comes to money and marriage – 1) What role did you play in this area that you believe has failed and 2) Did you have structure when it came to finances? Begin talking it out with each other to each other about money to see what you can do to make better decisions to sustain the marriage and time invested in each other than versus throwing away this union.

CAUTION: Do not wait until you are in Divorce court to find out about each other’s financial habits.

I must say when I saw this article 5 Financial rules for shacking up does not even sound appealing. The term shacking up sounds so dated as well as non-committal. Well, as I think about it, it is non-committal.

Someone could get tired of living with the other especially if one has marriage on the mind and the other person likes things they way they are. Once that pressure starts of marriage on the brain, the other person is surely to walk if that was not in their plans.

This article shares one person discussing how they did not talk about long-term plans for the relationship, who would pay for what and sure enough they broke up. Article list five reason for shacking up – 1) As a means of saving money, 2) Decide who pays for what; 3) Divvy up the chores; 4) Decide on a breakup plan and 5) Never move in with someone who is unemployed.

I say what is the purpose of playing house? If you are a single person that has been on their own, maybe not a popular choice but could you move in with your parents in order to get your financial footing or seek a roommate situation instead of moving in with our boyfriend or girlfriend.

I have seen situations where the people have shacked up together for 5 or 10 years, they get pressured by their friends about marriage and then they get married. After being married only a year or two they get divorced. No turning back.

Before you decide to move in with someone, ask yourself what is your overall goal? Don’t settle for less. If what you want is marriage, does not necessarily mean it will happen by living together first. The opposite could be true.

This is a topic that I felt was worth writing about because it happens and it can be one reason that couples end up in divorce. When a husband will not share the money with his wife there is a reason behind it. Could even be more than one reason. Let me be clear, I am not saying this is right by any means what I want you to understand is the following: husbands and wives do not just keep money from each other for no reason.

In order to get to the root of the reason, consider these questions:

1) How long have you been married and has this been the practice the entire marriage?

2) If this was not the typical for the marriage, what took place in order for this to start happening?

3) If the husband is not sharing the money with the wife, does the wife have any means of income?

4) Are wives talking with husbands about the household finances? You could be discussing the finances without having access. Sure that could be cruel – begin talking.

5) This could stem from a previous relationship even though you are not that person. Therefore, if that is the case then sit down and talk with your husband about the household finances and establish mutual financial goals for the home. Furthermore, the message should be conveyed that you are partners and not enemies. You are on the same team. You will have to prove this to him which will come in the form of your managing the money appropriately.

Consider those to start with and begin talking with your spouse. Find out his reason for taking that stand and then forgive him. But you must know what the reason is first.