Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

If you’re relationship is struggling and marital problems are beginning to intrude into your everyday life then now is the time to put a stop to it, decide if what you perceive to be marital problems are really that much of an issue and if so do something about it.

Relationships are never perfect and some appear less perfect than others but just because you don’t always see eye to eye and just because you have let the relationship slide it doesn’t mean to say that you weren’t meant to be together.

Marital problems become a head at some point in most relationships with the stresses and strains of every day life making it hard to enjoy quality time with your partner. Without intimate moments, little treats and romantic evenings that help your relationship feel magical and special, couples tend to naturally loose that bond that bought them together and start to question the state of their marriage. If you have begun to doubt your relationship, don’t panic, even if your marital problems have reached a new height and you are beginning to feel that your marriage is a shell with nothing left to recover, with the right advice and a little positive determination you can save your marriage.

There is nothing wrong with having negative feelings about your partner, like you, they aren’t perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have our off days and we are just what we are. That doesn’t mean to say you have to like and appreciate everything about your partner, you just have to focus on what bought you together in the first place, love them for what they are, appreciate the good points and accept the bad and acknowledge that no one is perfect.

Marriage is all about teamwork, there is no point expecting one partner to take care of the finances, for example, if they are useless with money and then get upset when the bank account is empty half way through the month. If they are useless at finances now the odds are they have always been that way, that is what you married and you just have to learn to work around it, not focus on it and not let it eat you away inside.

I was speaking to someone the other day who is due to get married in a few months. He was getting really wound up over something his fiancé had done. The trouble was she was acting exactly as she always does, no different so if it is going to let it wind him up now what is the point of getting married in the first place!! People rarely change, she will probably always react to situations in the same way, it’s there at the start so unless her ‘husband to be’ can learn to accept it and not get wound up they will struggle with marital problems almost from the outset.

You have to enter into marriage with your eyes open. Emotional intimacy and marital bonds develop over time with partners generally being drawn together as they journey through life. Your partner becomes your sole mate, the person you rely on and the person that is there for you whenever you need them but they don’t change!

Don’t let common marriage problems get you down, do something about them, it doesn’t matter what has happened, or how it happened, you have to learn to tackle it marital problems head on. Don’t wait for someone else to sort it out, there is only you and your partner in the marriage, no matter what has happened and what either you have done when it comes down to deciding if you can and if you want to save your marriage then no one else counts.

You have the power at your finger tips, even if your partner isn’t motivated to do anything about it, with the right marriage advice you can resolve your marital problems, make decisions, sort out your life and save your marriage.

Ladies – let me say to you do not be in such a hurry to get married that you ignore the red flags while you are dating. I can understand this friend and that friend have gotten married and maybe you are beginning to feel as if you are the last one to get married. That does not constitute in any way shape or form that you should lower your standards, accept mediocre in order to get married so you can say that you are married too.

What are the red flags you seeing?

(1) Disrespect?
(2) Not paying his bills?
(3) Non-existent work ethic
(4) Unacceptable language

If you are seeing any of these and it makes you uncomfortable, do not disregard them. There is a reason it is a red flag and pay attention. You deserve the best. Sure, nobody is perfect. However, you do have a choice and do not have to be in a hurry to get married just because everyone else. It does not matter how young or old you are it is important to take your time. How many stories have you heard from girlfriends or older relatives saying, they wish they had waited to get married?

I cannot stress the importance of taking your time. When you make decisions in the heat of the moment, usually they turn out to have long lasting consequences that you might not like. So I encourage you today to pay attention to the red flags because it will serve you will in many relationships, not just marriage.

I love him but he has debt and that stays on my mind. If you are a bride-to-be and this is you, congratulations on recognizing a red flag. This red flag is DEBT and it bothers you that he has it. Let me ask you this question and how you answer it will be important.

Question: How did you find out about the debt?

If your answer is (1) He told me – this is good because it means that he is being honest with you about financial mistakes he has made in the past. He wants to alleviate the debt and could see how you are going to respond to the fact he said he has debt. Are you going to leave him because he has debt or are you willing to say, I understand mistakes happen and let’s develop a plan to remove the debt.

If your answer is (2) He did not tell you and you found out on your own either by going through some of his things or a family member told you, then you have to ask yourself what else is he hiding from you and why? Caution: If you were going through his things, you could have a trust issue later if he discovers this is how you found out. Did he not tell you about the debt because he truly feels bad and is afraid that you would leave him. Or did he not tell you purposely because he is thinking if I can just get her to the aisle, then once we are married I can tell her about the debt.

Or if your answer is (3) He told me he has debt and wants to break it off. Then you need to discuss in detail why he wants to break it off. You have to ask yourself what is it about the debt that bothers you? Is it because you do not have debt or is it because both of you have debt? Now is the time to put everything on the table.

Since you are aware he has debt, what does your picture look like? What is it that you would like to see for the future and both of you be honest with each other. Honesty is the best policy. Secrets lead to division, destruction and sometimes divorce. Do not let a secret establish your life’s path in your relationships.

Have you not seen any of the court tv shows such as Judge Hatchett, Judge Joe Brown or even Judge Mathis – this statement is like an episode that I have even seen over and over.

Boy dates girl, they believe they are in love. He loans her money after dating for about six weeks. She begins paying him back after the loan. She pays a minimal amount two times and then she breaks up with him. They do not have anything in writing and before you know it, they end up on Judge Mathis or Judge Joe Brown.

Listen, when you are in the dating stage this is also the perfect time to watch how someone manages their money. If you are dating someone and they ask you for a loan, do not feel obligated to loan them the money. It is not your responsibility.

Watch the signs:

(1) Being asked to loan money without anything in writing.

(2) Asking you for a loan in the first place.

(3) Mismanaging funds. Spending money loaned on extras versus paying off bills.

(4) Asking you to pay a bill for them while you are in the dating stage.

(5) Asking you to help a relative financially.

When you are only dating, watch what is happening with their money. How they spend, if they are working and more. This is not to be taken lightly. So take heed and choose your relationships carefully.

When my husband and I became engaged, we knew that we were destined to be together. Throughout our dating we had been talking about our past, previous people we dated, my husband’s previous marriages and what we were looking for in a partner. The discussion came up about whether or not, we needed to go to premarital counseling.

Brides and Grooms, I ask you today – what are your goals for premarital counseling? Look at the options below and you decide:

(1) To ensure you and your future spouse have the necessary skills to make your marriage work for a lifetime?

(2) Is it because everyone says you have to yet your heart is not in it?

(3) It is required by the church you attend to be married there?

What areas do you expect to discuss in premarital counseling? Compatibility, Communication, Goals or even finances? If you discuss those issues, how much time do you expect to spend talking about each?

Premarital counseling can be crucial to any relationship. I know that my husband and I did not attend premarital counseling because we were talking about everything even prior to our engagement. We had shared the positives and negatives about relationships we had, financial mistakes we made and what we looked for in a mate. We did not see a benefit to holding anything back.

One of the things I remember saying to him, was do not let anyone have information about you that I do not know about.  No one should walk up to me and tell me something about my husband trying to embarrass me or say I know something you don’t know. I don’t believe in MESS or DRAMA. He did not either.

Prior to marriage is a great time to talk about your finances, dreams and goals that you have. The more you talk you will discover this is someone ou can see yourself with for life or you cannot. Begin talking today.