Money Talk Matters

Posts Tagged ‘secret’

Well it must be my week to SPEAK up even more for the sanctity of Money and Marriage because I have read some articles today that I have to SOUND the ALARM. There I was minding my own business doing one of my favorite things, research. Of course when you research different topics, you are bound to find something that causes a stir.

Not only did this cause a stir but has caused me to say IF YOU HAVE to HIDE MONEY from your SPOUSE then there’s a strong chance you should not be married! Let’s define what a secret is. According to Dictionary.com a secret is cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential or keeping something hidden.

Let’s say for example that you came into your marriage with debt and you hid that from your spouse.  You managed to clean it up and continue to keep money hidden from him. What does that say about you? If you have children what message are you sending to them?

I read an article where this woman said her friend told her that she had some hidden money from her husband. Article – Are You Hiding Money from your Husband? Can one truly feel secure keeping money secret from their spouse? I would venture to say I don’t think they can. Security is a state of mind and does not necessarily happen because you have money. Look at all the people that invested with different investors that ended up in Ponzi scheme and lost the money.

I say to the person that has a secret account, what if something happened to the place where your secret stash was and it is all of a sudden gone, how are you going to act? Will your behavior change and you now become mad at the world, lashing out at people without explanation? Or will you come clean to your spouse? It is interesting the choices that people make for whatever reason and then do not like the consequences that result from those choices.

If you are adult enough to have  money secrets than be adult enough to acccept that it can lead to a can of worms once it comes out. Secrets normally have a way of coming out.

What I thought this movie was going to be about and what it actually was about are two different things. This Tyler Perry movie is another great movie. Let me share a brief glimpse. Based on four couples that would get together every year, they had discussions about marriage, did exercises and rejuvenated their marriages per se. This year when the couples get together, many things transpired. The couple that I want to focus on is Angela and Marcus. Angela was a wife that had a lot to say and made sure that Marcus knew it. She would say to him I am the one, it was my money that started the hair salon where you work. She would say to him will you pay the mortgage, pay for the food, do something. Angela was the kind of woman that was very demeaning to her husband. It did not matter to her public or private, she did it all the time. On this weekend getaway secrets come out on the first morning and that spoiled the entire weekend for everyone. Later on Marcus has had enough and finds his voice. He reveals that it was HIS MONEY that started the salon.

Money Implications:

Clearly this movie had money and marriage implications throughout. All the couples had attended college and became exactly what they said they would. The only person that did not was Sheila. However, Sheila put everything into her husband, like so many other women have done and others continue to do. He took all of her money and left her with $87.00 . You will have to watch the movie for more on Sheila.

Money Tip #1 – Do not get so wrapped up in your profession that you forget to take time for each other. Pamper each other and have fun.

Money Tip #2 – There is no benefit to embarrassing your spouse if you paid for starting a business they always wanted. It should be joint funds anyway. When you invest in your spouse, you are investing in your relationship long-term.

Money Tip #3 – Do not talk down to your spouse and demean them.

Observations:

1) Secrets that eventually get revealed can tear down a marriage. Do not let someone have negative information on you that they would blackmail you with. Make sure there are no secrets from your spouse.

2) If you have financial secrets, it is better to get them out on the table prior to the spouse finding out in a way that you had not planned. This leads to distrust in the relationship. Know that is hard to get trust back once it is lost.

Recommendations:

1) Money and marriage do not have to be difficult. People make it difficult based on their believes, past experiences and lack of information.

2) Establish mutual financial goals for your marriage.

3) Support your spouse if he or she is an entrepreneur. Ask them about their business and offer to assist if necessary. Your being supportive of them affects their success.

This is a must see for any married couples’ movie collection. Grab your copy here:

If you need a money and marriage advocate to come and speak to your audience on money and marriage, contact Dr. Taffy at drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

Before you even think about silently bringing debt into marriage, love that man or woman enough to be honest with them about your financial background and choices that you have made. Start by saying these choices I made occurred long before you and I became an item, let alone our walking down the aisle. I am not saying that I did everything right but I am saying I want to be open and honest with you before we walk down the aisle so there will not be any regrets.

Sure it appears to be the “NORM” to do this. But when did that become the norm and right? See, everything that appears to be normal is not right or the best way things should be handled. Just like “Going with the Flow” just because something has always been done a certain way. Try this: Shake things up for a little bit and STEP out of the NORM.  TELL THE TRUTH – Set yourself free by opening up about your finances.

One of two things is going to happen – either the person that you love so much is going to love you enough and appreciate your sharing. Furthermore they will work through this situation with you. Or they will leave you because they could not handle it. I must ask you if they leave you was your relationship based on love?

Love is a choice and not an emotion. No, they do not have to like the fact that you made financial mistakes. They should love you enough to be understanding and admit at this time their own financial mistakes without pretending to be perfect.

 The problem: People are so used to analyzing what the response is going to be before they even share what the concern or problem is. If they analyze it and do not like what they think will be the response, they continue to remain silent and the problem gets bigger and bigger.

Shake things up today – Reveal that you have debt prior to walking down the aisle.

As I was reading through an article this morning on CNN about 9 ways to Keep Your Marriage Healthy, it shared how 40% of couples admitted to lying to their spouse about a purchase according to a 2004 poll. My first thought is your spouse should be your best friend that you can talk to about anything including finances.

What is the purpose of lying about spending? If you spent the money, then you spent the money. Own up to it you are an adult.  Deal with the consequences. You made the purchase and accept the consequences.

A word of caution, if you find it necessary to lie and have financial secrets you are the one that is leading your marriage to go south. Is it worth it.

Read the article in detail here: 9 ways to keep your marriage healthy

Let’s have some fun this morning and enlightenment at the same time. Remember when you were young and we rode the bus to school. The bus would come to your house and you would get on the bus and talk with your friends all along the ride to school. Some mornings you wanted to talk and some mornings you might have been sleepy. Yet, you rode the bus. Once at school, you attended school and at the end of the day, you got back on the bus to return home.

Later in life as an adult, you might have rode the city’s transportation system which was a bus to the mall, work or if you were visiting another state and that was the best mode of transportation you rode the bus. So a bus has been integral in our lives. Now that you can relate and understand the bus – let’s take it one step further.

Today, I want to talk with you about the “Financial Bus of Life.” Regardless if we are in a recession or the economy is up, there is a financial bus in your life. When you were in elementary school through high school, even as a young adult the bus I talked about represented a mode of transportation that got you from one destination to another. For this post it will be a little different.

When you think of a bus what is the first thing that comes to mind? I know for our twins they would think it is big and yellow. For someone else it could continue being that mode of transportation to work or shopping. When we are talking about the financial bus – I want you to think about two things – the passenger and the driver.

Now when you think about “The Financial Bus of Life” what have you been doing? The role of the passenger is sitting on the seat and watching things happen in the area of finances. Mismanagement of funds happen, overspending happens, maxed out credit cards, financial mistakes happen because of a lack of knowledge. Consequently, the cycle of debt starts and repeats itself. We sit on the seat and watch it happen over and over. We do not want to talk to anyone because we are embarrassed. Also, we lack the will to change our situation.

Another character in The Financial Bus of Life is the role of the driver. The driver is the person that no matter what has happened in their finances, they are taking control. They refuse to sit on the seat and watch things happen to them. They are the ones that have made a CHOICE to CONTROL their finances and make healthy financial decisions regardless of what is happening around them. The driver has and is working his or her plan to pay the bills and alleviate debt. The driver does not get influenced by peer pressure or The Joneses. Let me share a secret, there are drivers that were passengers at one time.

One of the big differences between a driver and a passenger is the passenger usually lacks the will to change their situation. That can be due to their mindset, used to being a complainer without action and also surrounding themselves with people who think just like them. The driver is going to take action to reach the desired financial result.

Are you a driver or a passenger in The Financial Bus of Life?  

This movie deals with romance and shopping, not so much romance from the outset. As a young girl, she thought shop windows saw a perfect world of dreamy thing. Grown up girls getting whatever they wanted and equated them to fairies and princesses that did not need money. They had magic cards. Once she is a young adult on her own, she shops her way through life. Loses job. Finds job giving money advice in a magazine. Love interest on job.

Money Implications: I knew this would be a fun one for me to asses because of the title and my not being a shopper.

First: Her mindset from her youth was as a shopper. This carried over into when she became an adult.

Money Tip: If you are a shopper, you are shopper. You can learn to shop within balance.

Second: This character had an excuse for everything she bought.

Money Tip: Stop shopping on impulse. You should not have to make an excuse for the things you purchase. That already says you know you should not have purchased it.

Third: This character stated she heard the mannequin calling out to her.

Money Tip: If you are walking in the stores and you hear the voices saying, come and buy me. You can respond mentally and say it is not the appropriate time. I am not giving in and walk away. Leave without giving in. It may be a challenge at first but you can overcome impulse shopping and overspending.

Overall Lesson: This movie clearly shows how your upbringing and exposure does affect your choices when you become a young adult and as an adult.

Recommendation: Do not hide it from your spouse that you are a shopper. It will eventually come out if you try to keep it a secret and it might come out to your disadvantage.

If you have not seen this movie or know someone that it would make a great gift for, purchase your copy now: