Posts Tagged ‘separation’
Hmmm. This title came to me while I was writing a different post. Yes, this means it is for someone out there. There are many husbands and wives that throw in the marriage towel because of money challenges that present in marriage. Let me ask you a few questions:
1) Are you throwing in the towel because you are no longer willing to fight for your marriage? Marriage with two committed people does take work and it does not have to be hard like everyone says it is. People’s perception of marriage has gotten distorted based on what friends have experienced in marriage, family members in marriage, as well as co-workers. Recommendation: When it comes to your marriage, be honest with yourself – search deep down and ask yourself have you given it your best shot.
2) Can the financial issues not be repaired? Are there so many financial issues that you feel you have not options? If you feel that you have no options, did you take steps to consult with a financial counselor or advisor to get counseling on your specific situation. Or are you continuing to utilize your credit card and incur more debt thereby making the financial issues worse? Recommendation: Before you throw in the towel because you feel the financial issues cannot be repaired, be honest with yourself. What part of the financial issues that exist did you cause? They were not caused by one party – both of you are in this together. Second if the financial challenges got to be sooo difficult and you chose to move out (I didn’t say divorce) and get a place of your own, now you are incurring more bills. That did not solve the problem. As a matter of fact, that creates a bigger financial problem for the marriage. Why? Because now you have chosen to live a separate life and incur additional debt. Question: Is that what your goal was when you decided to leave? Next question: What happens if you decide to work it out within your marriage and now you return with a new stack of bills?
3) I cannot help but wonder, how many people entered into marriage without talking about finances. Then once they found out there was existing debt on a husband or wife’s part that was brought into the marriage, they are ready to throw in the towel. Recommendation: Not meaning to sound harsh – this is how I see it. You have to a legal age to get married, which means you are an adult. I am sure a lot of couples had discussions prior to getting married that invooved money, yet they creatively skirted around the deeper issues that involved money that could have raised a red flag. Be honest with yourself, if you did not discuss money before and are starting to find out some not so pretty financial habits – take the time now to talk before you make any hasty, life long decisions.
Before you throw in the towel because of the pressure and stress, be honest with yourself about your role in your money and marriage.
There was no way I was going to let this one pass me by. I didn’t even know it was there until I kept on researching. We’ve heard the story, older wealthy man marries younger woman. Title is Hugh Hefner, 83 files for divorce from estranged wife Kimberly Conrad over Money. These two have been separated for years and are fighting over the money.
He wants his support payments to be cut by half to $20,000 a month saying that he has already given her close to $12M since their separation in 1998. I am shocked to find out that he was even married. Would not have expected it.
After reading this story, just goes to show you having money does not mean there are no money problems. I think as I was typing I heard someone saying “GREED”.
This is yet another movie that any time it comes on, I have to stop and watch it all the way through. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorites and such a diverse actress she is. I’m sure you’ve heard the story before – young woman from a small town is married to a professional man. They have a child together. She is brought on television thinking she is going to get a makeover by a friend only to find out that her husband has been having an affair with this best friend. She leaves him and has to move back home with her mother.
She has to start over and has much to deal with being a single mother, a not so good relationship with her mother, old flame and more. You must watch this movie.
She was not aware her husband was having an affair and once she became aware she was not financially sound to stand on her own. She had to move back home to her parents home which was not an easy thing to do based on her estranged relationship with her mother.
Money Tip #1 – This is for women – yes you are a wife and you are a woman. Meaning you should know how to manage money even if you have a husband as well as what is happening with the household finances.
Money Tip #2 – If you are put in the position of having to divorce your husband and return to a familiar place with relatives, you do not need to explain your situation to those relatives. If you move back in with your parents, you can choose what you share with them when it comes to your finances.
Money Tip #3 – You are an adult now and do not allow old high school friends or college friends that were competitive with you talk down to you based on what they are assuming is happening in your life. Hold your head up high and take care of your business – finances and all.
It is clear in this movie that Sandra Bullock’s daughter wanted to be with the father and blames the mother for the breakup. As a parent it is important that you share information that the child(ren) need to know. It is not necessary to “bad mouth” the other parent. The child(ren) will make their own judgment based on what they see and hear. If your ex or soon-to-be ex is not paying child support nor spending time with the child(ren), you make memories with your child(ren) and let them know how much they are loved. Divorce and separation affects children and households in many ways. Get your finances in order and know what it takes to make your situation work.
(1) Set the example for your child(ren) that you would want them to be as a young married couple. Teach them about money and managing money early on.
(2) Do no let your personal information become the “town” news of the day. What happens in your marriage and finances is not anyone’s business.
(3) We all love our parents, but do not let your parents opinions cause you to drift into depression which leads to inactivity. It is a costly position to be in.
(4) Do not let the emotional pain of your past cause you to make financial mistakes in your present thereby affecting your future.
(5) Protect the child(ren) from being devastated by a lack of the other parent’s involvement in their lives. This can have long term effects even when they are young adults, husbands and wives. Make lasting memories and it does not have to cost a fortune.
I am glad this one did not completely get by me. About two or three weeks ago, a colleague recommended I watch this movie after reading some of my previous reviews. Of course some of my favs were in it Sanaa Lathan, Wesley Snipes, John Amos and CCH Pounder.
Zora Banks, who is a young independent woman, a singer and teacher moves to another city and meets construction worker, Franklin that has been doing work in her building, specifically her brownstone. Zora notices Franklin and vice versa. Franklin returns later to Zora’s brownstone and they become intimately involved prior to any background discussions. AFTER the fact, they began to talk about some of their personal life which could be viewed as secrets that they did not share prior to becoming intimate. Then once these truths begin to reveal themselves, the relationship gets complicated. This movie deals with separation, children, pregnancy, finances, employment, job loss and more. Of course I did not want to give away too much but highly recommend you see this movie if you have not already.
Money Implications: When you are in a relationship, do not make one person feel as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders when it comes to finances. If you do, they will eventually grow tired and could seek an escape route.
Observation: If you are seriously involved with an individual that is separated but not divorced, you need to consider all the facts – what type of debt do they have, are they paying child support, are they working and more.
If your relationship consists of you paying all the bills, know that there is the possibility that your finances will begin to run short because you are the only one paying all the bills, paying for dates, etc. After a period of time, this might not feel as good as when you first started.
When Zora and Franklin met they both had individual dreams, however they let emotions and circumstances of life get them off track. Once she threw him out, they focused on their dreams and accomplished those goals separately.
1) Be honest about your backgrounds including finances upfront before there is physical involvement. Emotions can cloud your judgment.
2) Establish mutual financial goals for your marriage. If you are seriously dating and not married yet, pay attention to financial habits that are exhibited even in the dating stage. This could give you insight into how they will handle financial challenges during marriage.
3) If you are in a serious relationship with someone that is separated but not divorced and children are involved, you must really consider a couple of different things: a) if you ended up marrying this person could this happen to you several years down the road where they are now seeing someone else and you are at home with the kids; b) if the person is not paying child support to existing children what would happen if you had children with the person and they left you at some point in time; c) find out what their plan is regarding divorce and what do they see for the future of your relationship?
4) If your husband is a contractor or wants to start his own business, encourage him and do not tear him down. Tearing him down will not result in the bottom line being met. Ask if there is anything you can do to help. Teamwork – partnership is essential in marriage.
I say to you remember the saying “Misery loves company” – alright that is even true when people are in debt. Prime example – how many people have come to you personally and shared about the financial habits of their spouse or financial problems they are experiencing? Hmmm – do you know and I am sure you do, you cannot solve their financial problems? What would happen if you told that husband or wife, you should go home and talk with your spouse about this?
Imagine the person being vented to giving a recommendation to that person to go and talk WITH their spouse. Oh marriages would be changed because communciation is taking place on a new level. Yes, a new level because they probably have been arguing about it instead of talking about it.
If you are listening to someone fussing about their financial situation day after day, week after week there can come a time when all of a sudden you begin taking on that same negative attitude about your finances. When in all actuality at the start of their venting your finances were probably fine. But you continued listening to them and relating to them.
Misery loves company but you do not have to be a part of that misery. You can separate yourself because you are in a different place of growth and being grateful for what is taking place in your life. The next time that friend or colleague comes to you with a sour face and prepares to vent that misery – protect yourself so that you do not become miserable too.
Yes, DEBT is no fun. It is even worse if you do not take any action. CHOOSE today to change YOUR LIFE. It is all up to you and no one else.
I love it when I find stories like this that reaffirm what I have been saying. Naturally when I found this one, I had to share this. This article talks about the 5 Costly Money Mistakes Newlyweds Make
One of the five mistakes is a lack of communication. That does not surprise me because we both know that money is still a “Taboo” subject when getting married. Even in 2009 with everything that is going on with the economy, sometimes money is not being discussed in the manner it should be.
I must admit when I read about this couple who are newly married but lived together for seven years, purchased a home after they got married stated that they realized financial decisions can be some of the toughest.
Makes me wonder what were they doing when they lived together! Were they keeping things separate and not even talking about joint finances for seven years or what do we do if this… since we are under one roof. Now, I am not advocating living together prior to marriage -what I am pulling from this article is it appears couples have not thought about married life.
A second one is a failure to plan. To me this goes without saying because when you are unprepared, financial challenges can tear down a relationship really fast, cause husbands and wives to point the finger at each other and lead to all sorts of stress in the marriage. This can happen whether you are a newlywed or married for a longer period of time.
A third one is handing over control. When it comes to managing finances for the marriage, I am a huge believer in including the person that is not the money manager. They need to be aware of all the details – how the bills are paid, when, the account numbers, the automatic deductions and more. Do not set your spouse up for financial disarray by not including them in the financial picture.
What do you think are the costly money mistakes?
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I am sooo thrilled at all the articles that are coming out regarding money and marriage. It is in the best interest of the bride and groom to talk about money prior to walking down the aisle. If they have not talked about it in depth, at least beginning the discussion will give them some idea what they are in for.
When people are preparing to wed, they are sooo caught up in the planning and excitement of a wedding, they forget about “The Marriage”. I encourage you today to take that son or daughter, niece or nephew aside and say it is important that you begin talking about money with your soon to be spouse.
Look at this recent article: Get fiscal before you wed
Money is the top reason for divorce and there is no reason that your marriage should become a divorce statistic. Take the time and learn the important skill of communicating about money which can sustain your marriage. If it is hard for you to communicate verbally in the beginning, then write your soon-to-be spouse a love note and begin sharing with him or her about your finances.
The plus side to this is that you are beginning to share and be honest in an area that can cause division, separation and eventually divorce. Take the step today to begin the Money Talk.
If you are a parent, relative or co-worker and know a bride or groom preparing to walk down the aisle, encourage them to begin talking about money beyond the wedding day. Marriage should be for a lifetime.
I wanted to address this morning the separate accounts issue because I was asked about it during both interviews last night. In a time when couples are preparing to walk down the aisle and other couples are dealing with financial challenges, I felt it was time to share it on this blog.
My position on whether a couple should have separate accounts is detailed below:
1) If you are engaged and either one of you have debt, it is my recommendation that the accounts remain separate until the debt is cleaned up. Furthermore, there are some banks that might not add a spouse to the bank account if they have debt. Keep that in mind.
2) It is acceptable to have a separate account (Do not stop reading at this point) for pampering each other and having the ability to surprise one another with the understanding that the husband and wife have access to each of these accounts and is knowledgeable of what is in the account.
3) Once the credit is cleaned up for those that have financial challenges, then absolutely a joint account is the way to go.
At the end of the day, it boils down to do you want your marriage to have financial transparency or are you going to open the door from the outset for financial infidelity. Once financial infidelity happens and it is on the table, trust is broken, arguments begin to occur and the spouse who found out about the financial infidelity will wonder what else is being kept from him or her.
I do not condone have a separate account to utilize as a “Break away fund” meaning when I have had enough, I have more than enough money saved to break away from this marriage. When you say “I Do” those vows specifically state – For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Don’t take your vows lightly.
Caution: When you lose trust, it is hard to get it back. Think long and hard what statement you are making if you want separate accounts and do not have a financial issue.
The first movie that I want to talk about is Fireproof. Understand this is my opinion as a money and marriage advocate and personal finances educator. Fireproof was a good movie overall. From the money and marriage aspect – clearly they were not on the same page regarding finances in the marriage. He had “his money” and she had “her money”. The husband had drawn those lines in the very beginning of the movie. I would’ve like them to show more detail on why he had drawn those lines. Reason: there are couples that deal with that and don’t understand because they are driven by their emotion.
When you have His Money and Her Money in a marriage, those lines are not drawn without reason. This could help couples understand each other’s motivation for some of the choices that they make.
There came a point in the movie where he did use “His Money” for a need that was important to her. Although she thought someone else did it until she did some background checking. Then she was convicted herself about her own thoughts.
Overall: It is a good movie. That was my take on the money and marriage side.
Recommendation: When you have His Money and Her Money, establish clear reasons upfront the reason it needs to be this way. Otherwise the separation of money can lead to separation in other areas of marriage and open the door for lack of trust in many areas. Know why you are choosing separate funds. All choices have consequences good, bad or indifferent. Do not make any decision lightly.