Posts Tagged ‘thought’
If you thought that a marriage could succeed on love alone, please rethink. Love is transitory. The mutual attraction or the infatuation that comes in the initial phase of love disappears soon. Then you know the honeymoon is over. Once money issues start, love tends to go out the window. After that what is left is the feeling that he/she is mine and I am his/hers. We have to journey together.
How a marriage changes in character after love disappears? This can occur in many ways. For example, the couple may begin regretting the marriage after the finishing of initial love phase. Or the couple may continue together as a sense of duty with each other and begin making a life together without passionate love. That needs caring for each other.
If you look back and think of marriages few decades back, most of the couples cared for each other. They called it love. It was essentially caring. A mother cares for her children because they are her responsibility and they belong to her. Similarly, partners care for each other because they got married. This kind of thought process can take the marriage last forever. The different thought processes of I want my freedom. I made a mistake. I am not happy with you. I must search for somebody better and so on leads to break-up. This thought process is I centered, where as the earlier one I described was care centered. You are mine and I must care for you.
We have to learn to respect human beings. We have to set aside our selfish desires for some time. We have to think about destruction that takes place by frequent marriage and divorce. Developing the thought of care for each other can surely help in making a marriage last longer.
Let me say right off I know this one is going to be loaded. When the question came in to my email, I thought to myself there are other wives this is happening to or vice versa. So let’s take it one step at a time.
Obviously the wife who wrote in anonymously found out after the fact. First question, how did she find out? Did she discover that money was missing from their joint accout? Or did he say, by the way honey a couple of weeks ago I loaned this friend some money?
I guarantee you the wife that wrote that sent that question in, is more than likely mad because he did it and she did not know about, may not even like the friend the money was loaned to and probably feels she cannot trust her man with their money because he will give it away to whomever he wants without talking with her about it as if she does not have a say so.
Money is a serious subject that cannot be avoided between a husband and wife. Husband and wives do you have an understanding about loaning money to friends, relatives or colleagues? If you do not, this is something that should be discussed beforehand. It will prevent the type of email I received.
When people lose trust in relationships, it is hard to get it back. It takes a lot of work. Then the question becomes did he really loan the money or give the money. Either way it is a serious discussion that must be had in order to prevent what the couple is dealing with right now in their relationship.
This is not saying you should not loan money, but husbands and wives should know what they agree on when it comes to loaning money, to whom and agreeing even on an amount that will not affect their household finances. Be careful, because you do not want to become a personal banker at the risk of your own marriage. It’s not worth the risk.
Last night I received this question from a colleague via my facebook page. Yes, I am on facebook as well. This is the exact wording – I still find so many do not discuss money before they get married. Why is that? What are your thoughts? It is such a vital topic that people seem to avoid for one reason or another.
I kept thinking about it last night and decided to write on it today. Money has been labeled that “taboo” topic. However, people are beginning to talk about it because of what has happened with the economy. Most of the ones that are discussing it though are already married. The effect of the economy when it comes to brides and grooms are discussing how to have their dream wedding for less. There are couples that are even going so far as to ask their guests to pay for their wedding. Mind you, some of those couples are getting married for the second time and I have clear views on that, but I digress.
Below are some of the reasons I know people are not talking about money before marriage:
1) Fear – Afraid if they tell their soon to be spouse about their financial mistakes, they will break off the engagement or wedding. Result: Other financial mistakes occur while you are not sharing about the initial ones.
2) Secret – Believe if they can just get beyond the wedding day, then they will be the ones to manage the money and their spouse will not find out. Result: it does eventually come out and can lead to arguments and trust being removed.
3) Caught UP in the Wedding Day – Both the bride and groom are so “caught up” in the wedding day, they do not even think to talk about money. Result: as soon as the honeymoon is over and the other one finds out about their debt, the arguments begin, distrust occurs and much more.
4) Denial - Don’t discuss money because they think they have a handle on everything. Result: As soon as that unexpected financial expense happens, they don’t know what to do. Usually turn to mom and dad instead of each other.
5) Want to be a statistic – By not discussing money before marriage, couples are choosing to go down the path of potentially becoming a divorce statistic. Getting divorced because of money.
6) Don’t soon to be spouse to they are a shopper. This way they can walk down the aisle and then attempt to curb it initially and then revert back to their trueself.
7) Lack of trust. They do not trust the person when it comes to money based on past baggage with someone else, so they are not even willing to open that door.
Those are some of the reasons people would not discuss money before marriage. I don’t agree with them because at the end of the day, all of them could lead to divorce court.
What do you think?
Last time I left you with the thought of if you were depending on God or your mate when it came to finances. I also said what is causing the divorce is deeper than money. We reference money as one of the top reasons for divorce but as I said before, money in itself cannot do anything.
When couples are arguing about money, they are arguing about 1) its mishandling – overspending and impulse buying which results in not having enough to pay bills or for other necessities; 2) an individual’s value system when it comes to money. Value system meaning your beliefs about how money should be handled, who should handle the money and what takes precedence when it comes to expenditures in the household. Value system is comprised of many factors especially when it comes to money – your environment, what you saw and experienced when you were growing up regarding money, your personal handling of money good and bad. All of these factors form your value system. So when your value system is challenged you react or respond a certain way.
Value system is big – so let me put it into perspective. For example, as a person that was raised by a single parent with little to no access to money, it would be within my value system to be very cautious about money, paying bills and making sure there is some left over. So it would not “feel good” to me to buy on impulse. Now from Married Christians perspective if you know that you are to pay your bills and you spend impulsively on a want versus a need and now you cannot pay your bills – the discussion is happening in a way you might not like.
So Married Christians may be divorcing and utilizing money as the reason but it is not the reason it is their value system being challenged. They have had enough. Money issues affect more than the husband or the wife, it affects their relationship, performance at work, if they have children (them as well), household bills and more.
Before you decide to file for divorce, think things through and be honest. Think about your actions when it comes to money and marriage – 1) What role did you play in this area that you believe has failed and 2) Did you have structure when it came to finances? Begin talking it out with each other to each other about money to see what you can do to make better decisions to sustain the marriage and time invested in each other than versus throwing away this union.
CAUTION: Do not wait until you are in Divorce court to find out about each other’s financial habits.
As I was outside with our twins today, my mind was literally racing thinking about money in marriage. Remember the average human has 55,000 thoughts per day which means 2,292 thoughts per hour and 38 thoughts every minute. So I was burning up those 38 thoughts in the few minutes I was out there.
What was coming to me was husbands and wives often need financial help but think it is going to cost them more money then they have. Therefore, they choose not to get the help and their marital finances get worse. Costly choice. I remember making choices like that. I don’t know if you have heard the saying, “You don’t know until you know.” So if you are a husband or wife that needs financial guidance, what can you do? I want to propose several solutions to you.
1) If you do not know exactly what your financial situation is, take a deep breath and order your credit report from one of the credit bureaus.
2) Write down what you do know such as what are open outstanding late bills while waiting for that credit report to arrive.
3) Write down also what you know is the amount of income being received for the household and what are your expenses that must be met each month.
4) After doing those things, take a sheet of paper and write down what the questions are that you have and need answers to.
5) Next, get on the internet and begin doing your research. Listen, cleaning up finances takes diligence and dedication and does not have to involve a lot of money. For example, you can come to this site http://www.moneytalkmatters.com and put in search words, there is also a page of calculators. You can also go to http://thewandwgroup.com for information on estate planning, personal finances and retirement and if you are searching for a way to manage your finances online you can go to http://www.moneystrands.com or even http://www.mint.com .
6) If you are seeking to speak with a counselor, then you can also contact me via my website and know that I don’t believe in people going into debt to learn how to manage their money, nor get out of debt.
When getting financial help you have to understand, you are not investing in that person that is teaching you money management you are investing in yourself, your marriage and your family for a lifetime. Do what is best for you without breaking the bank and recognizing that you cannot continue in the same fashion that you have been. If you want a different result, you have to take a different action.
We have all heard that said in vows during many weddings that we have attended and some of you may have even said yourself. Bride takes the groom “For better of for worse, for richer or for poorer”. Those words are often said without any thought of that become the life of Mr. and Mrs. Wed.
Then when times get tough due to financial choices made, one party of the marriage wants to divorce because of finances. Listen, we have all heard the statistics that money is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I ask you, what happened to For Richer or For Poorer and For Better or For Worse? Did they not mean or did not give any thought to life happens? Sure, Life happens and situations happen but you are the one in control. It does not necessarily matter what the situation is but HOW YOU HANDLE the situation and come THROUGH it.
Let’s say for example a spouse loses a job and now the budget gets a little tighter, well that is okay. Couples must learn to work together and not treat each other as enemies. That husband or wife did not get up this morning and say I am going to go to work and do everything I can to lose my job. There are times it is not even their fault. Jobs have been cut due to the economy and for some companies hours have been reduced in order to sustain some companies. Either way, it was not your husband or wife’s choice that this happen at their place of employment.
A situation has presented regarding employment and what are the options you have in order to keep your household functioning accordingly? Get creative – be an optimist and not a complainer about your situation. Complaining has never solved anything and there have been times when complaining makes the situation worse. If your goal is to make the situation worse, then go ahead and complain. If your goal is to make it better, then start by changing the words that are coming out of your mouth. Become solution oriented and not a victim of what happened.
I would imagine even with financial challenges, deep down you still love the person. So financial challenges does not change that. Do not make decisions based on emotions. When you said your vows – you chose to say ” I Do” because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. Begin taking your vows seriously and talk with your spouse today.
I have been asked this question over the last few months and decided that now is just as good a time as any to write it in a post. Why? Let’s face it, we both know that the economy has been taking its toll on people and marriages whether they are believers or non-believers.
So I’m not as many of you know, I am not a sugar coater when it comes to my thoughts. So let’s get right into it because more than likely this is going to be a two part blog because I do not want anyone who needs this answer to be overwhelmed and miss anything.
I said this question to my husband last night sharing with him that I was preparing to write this post. He flat out said, “The vows says For Richer or For Poorer“. I responded, you see.
I pray that you did not marry for money and married because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. I hope that you understand that money comes and goes. Yes it has many roles in our lives and it is important that you recognize the roles and functions of money in your marriage.
When a Christian man and woman stand before God, the wedding officiant and guests taking their vows, they are entering into a covenant agreement saying we will be together through good, bad and the ugly. For Richer or For Poorer means honey if we have to eat Raamen noodles for a minute then I am here with you or honey if we are eating steak and shrimp I am here with you. Regardless of what is happening with the money, Christian husbands and wives are supposed to be together working it out together. Remember, Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, A threefold cord is not easily broken. I can assure you, the GOD I SERVE is not in the business of breaking up marriages.
Marriage is not a covenant that should be taken lightly but reverently, because if you are like me and my husband, GOD blessed us with each other. We had pastors (that were complete strangers) come up to us in restauraunts even months after we were married saying, when you two are ready to get married, I want to marry you. Then we would hold up our hands and show them we were already married.
Christian marriages ARE to be examples of a GODLY marriage to non-believers. Yet if Christian marriages are doing the same thing that non-believers are doing, where is the difference and where is the example? What does it say in Hebrews 13:4-5 which I want to take from the Amplified Bible, 4 “Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.
Marriages are to be held dear. It is absolutely a blessing to me, to be with the man GOD chose for me. See, I did not have to go out there looking for a mate because I know in MY BIBLE it says HE who findeth a good wife obtains FAVOR in the LORD. It is not my role to go out there and look for a mate. My responsibilty is to have my relationship with GOD right and in order, so that when GOD blessed me with my HUSBAND, I was ready. Alright, I digress that is for another time.
Let’s move on to verse 5 which says, 5 Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]
I want to say Christians have to realize that no you are not supposed to love money but you have to recognize that money is a tool and a weapon. It is a tool that can be used to expand your ability to reach many people for the KINGDOM of GOD. It is also a weapon because it takes money in the world system to hire lawyers if necessary to defend you against a person or a claim. Money in itself is not a negative, it is what people do with and to money that makes it a negative in their life.
So for those married christians, I have to ask you are you depending on God or your mate? I want to leave you with this thought, in my opinion it is not the money that you are fighting about or getting divorced over, I say it is deeper and to find out you have to wait for part 2.
Ladies, I was sitting here reviewing and thinking back to when I was younger and some of the different women that came across my path and what they did when it came to men. Lo and behold, that is where the title of this post came from. There are women who are spending their money on a man to keep him interested when they know he is not faithful nor committed to their relationship. In their mind, they were seriously dating and not far from walking down the aisle, when he is far from it.
For the woman that is reading this and it fits you, stop now! Do not spend another dime on this man. He is not the one for you no matter how good you think you are for him. You cannot buy love because love is not for sale. It is not an emotion it is a choice. Furthermore, if you have a person that is not being faithful when you are dating, what makes you think he will be faithful once you are married? Just a thought!
Do not ignore what is happening right in front of you. If you do and force a relationship that is not supposed to happen, you are potentially in for heart ache down the road that could have been avoided. Buying toys and trinkets does not solidify your relationship what it does it cause you to be taken advantage of.
Think about it. How many women do you know that have tried to buy a man with gifts, even giving him money, etc? What was the end result? Stop today if this is you. Don’t put yourself in a financial hole for someone that is probably not going to be around much longer.
Yes, I am a researcher to my heart. As I was researching marriage articles this morning, I discovered this article that was in a column of USA Today titled Is secularism saving marriages? I continued to read because that title had me interested. It discusses how men and women are perceiving themselves as mutual partners which transforms marriages.
I wholeheartedly agree with that. The article seems to think that the religious community does not get that. At the end of the day, whether you are spiritual or not, your beliefs about marriage and what you would like to see happen in your marriage will guide you in your relationship.
I am proud to see more people taking premarital counseling and learning to work together. When married couples have situations, they have always had the ability to choose I thought who they sought guidance from. For some they will turn to their Pastor, others will see experts in that field and that is okay too. What matters is that the couples take action and get the guidance that they need in order to sustain their relationship.
Marriage does take work from the husband and wife. Both parties must be willing to do what it takes to make their marriage work. It is not always about being right but being able to forgive, not holding on to the past, accepting responsibility for choices made and moving forward for the benefit of the marriage. Nobody is perfect.
I was minding my own business this morning driving home from a meeting and this movie came flooding my mind. I thought to myself absolutely.
This movie included Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King and Della Reese. This movie has a couple of turns and twists in it – let me share without giving away the plot of the movie. Martin plays Darnell who is managing a night club, thinks he is a ladies’ man. His childhood sweetheart is Mia who had joined the military. His mom is Della Reese which I believe was perfect casting.
Darnell is working at the club and Lynn Whitfield whose character is Brandi is a very upscale, classy woman that comes to the club and steps out of a limousine. She has money, likes the finer things in life and of course, Darnell sees her as his ultimate challenge as a ladies’ man.
Just like boys, Darnell and some of his pals are making bets on how long it will take him to get physical with her. Initially Brandi rejects his attempts. Eventually he wins her over and that is when everything changes between Darnell, Brandi and Mia. Before you think you know what happened, trust me you don’t. You will want to see this movie – lies, relationships, money and more…..
Just because someone has money does not mean they do not have their share of issues in life. Some could be financial and they could also be something else. If you have money and do not know how to manage money, you can get into financial trouble really fast.
Money Tip #1: Establish financial goals for yourself and your marriage and/or relationship with deadlines.
Money Tip #2: Character Mia was comfortable with who she was and she had goals for herself. Be true to yourself and where you are financially. Do not attempt to keep up with someone else. Do YOU!
Money Tip #3: Pay attention to how your groom is spending money when you are dating or during the engagement. Is he lavishing you with gifts and not paying his bills? That will cause financial stress in marriage. Make a note.
We all know men like a challenge. Well some women do to. It is important that you keep the love alive in your marriage. Talk with your mate. Ask them about their job and what would they like to see happen in the household finances if you have not ever asked them the question. Husbands and wives alike want to be appreciated and not ignored or made to feel unappreciated.
(1) Do not discount what you have thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You could be making a costly mistake.
(2) Work with your mate for financial independence and not against them. Be the best that you can be with that mate.
(3) Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it and discover it is not what you truly wanted.
(4) Pay attention and listen to what your spouse is saying. They are revealing information to help alleviate stress in the marriage.
(5) Establish your mutual financial goals and do not get distracted by other people’s opinion on what they think you should be doing.
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