Money Talk Matters – Premarital Financial Program

Let me say right off I know this one is going to be loaded. When the question came in to my email, I thought to myself there are other wives this is happening to or vice versa. So let’s take it one step at a time.

Obviously the wife who wrote in anonymously found out after the fact. First question, how did she find out? Did she discover that money was missing from their joint accout? Or did he say, by the way honey a couple of weeks ago I loaned this friend some money?

I guarantee you the wife that wrote that sent that question in, is more than likely mad because he did it and she did not know about, may not even like the friend the money was loaned to and probably feels she cannot trust her man with their money because he will give it away to whomever he wants without talking with her about it as if she does not have a say so.

Money is a serious subject that cannot be avoided between a husband and wife. Husband and wives do you have an understanding about loaning money to friends, relatives or colleagues? If you do not, this is something that should be discussed beforehand. It will prevent the type of email I received.

When people lose trust in relationships, it is hard to get it back. It takes a lot of work. Then the question becomes did he really loan the money or give the money. Either way it is a serious discussion that must be had in order to prevent what the couple is dealing with right now in their relationship.

This is not saying you should not loan money, but husbands and wives should know what they agree on when it comes to loaning money, to whom and agreeing even on an amount that will not affect their household finances. Be careful, because you do not want to become a personal banker at the risk of your own marriage. It’s not worth the risk.

Last night I received this question from a colleague via my facebook page. Yes, I am on facebook as well. This is the exact wording – I still find so many do not discuss money before they get married. Why is that? What are your thoughts? It is such a vital topic that people seem to avoid for one reason or another.

I kept thinking about it last night and decided to write on it today. Money has been labeled that “taboo” topic. However, people are beginning to talk about it because of what has happened with the economy. Most of the ones that are discussing it though are already married. The effect of the economy when it comes to brides and grooms are discussing how to have their dream wedding for less. There are couples that are even going so far as to ask their guests to pay for their wedding. Mind you, some of those couples are getting married for the second time and I have clear views on that, but I digress.

Below are some of the reasons I know people are not talking about money before marriage:

1) Fear – Afraid if they tell their soon to be spouse about their financial mistakes, they will break off the engagement or wedding. Result: Other financial mistakes occur while you are not sharing about the initial ones.

2) Secret – Believe if they can just get beyond the wedding day, then they will be the ones to manage the money and their spouse will not find out. Result: it does eventually come out and can lead to arguments and trust being removed.

3) Caught UP in the Wedding Day – Both the bride and groom are so “caught up” in the wedding day, they do not even think to talk about money. Result: as soon as the honeymoon is over and the other one finds out about their debt, the arguments begin, distrust occurs and much more.

4) Denial - Don’t discuss money because they think they have a handle on everything. Result:  As soon as that unexpected financial expense happens, they don’t know what to do. Usually turn to mom and dad instead of each other.

5) Want to be a statistic – By not discussing money before marriage, couples are choosing to go down the path of potentially becoming a divorce statistic. Getting divorced because of money.

6) Don’t soon to be spouse to they are a shopper. This way they can walk down the aisle and then attempt to curb it initially and then revert back to their trueself.

7) Lack of trust. They do not trust the person when it comes to money based on past baggage with someone else, so they are not even willing to open that door.

Those are some of the reasons people would not discuss money before marriage. I don’t agree with them because at the end of the day, all of them could lead to divorce court.

What do you think?

I was minding my own business this morning driving home from a meeting and this movie came flooding my mind. I thought to myself absolutely.

This movie included Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King and Della Reese. This movie has a couple of turns and twists in it – let me share without giving away the plot of the movie. Martin plays Darnell who is managing a night club, thinks he is a ladies’ man. His childhood sweetheart is Mia who had joined the military. His mom is Della Reese which I believe was perfect casting.

Darnell is working at the club and Lynn Whitfield whose character is Brandi is a very upscale, classy woman that comes to the club and steps out of a limousine. She has money, likes the finer things in life and of course, Darnell sees her as his ultimate challenge as a ladies’ man.

Just like boys, Darnell and some of his pals are making bets on how long it will take him to get physical with her. Initially Brandi rejects his attempts. Eventually he wins her over and that is when everything changes between Darnell, Brandi and Mia. Before you think you know what happened, trust me you don’t. You will want to see this movie – lies, relationships, money and more…..

Money Implications:
Just because someone has money does not mean they do not have their share of issues in life. Some could be financial and they could also be something else. If you have money and do not know how to manage money, you can get into financial trouble really fast.

Money Tip #1: Establish financial goals for yourself and your marriage and/or relationship with deadlines.

Money Tip #2: Character Mia was comfortable with who she was and she had goals for herself. Be true to yourself and where you are financially. Do not attempt to keep up with someone else. Do YOU!

Money Tip #3: Pay attention to how your groom is spending money when you are dating or during the engagement. Is he lavishing you with gifts and not paying his bills? That will cause financial stress in marriage. Make a note.

Observations:

We all know men like a challenge. Well some women do to. It is important that you keep the love alive in your marriage. Talk with your mate. Ask them about their job and what would they like to see happen in the household finances if you have not ever asked them the question. Husbands and wives alike want to be appreciated and not ignored or made to feel unappreciated.

Recommendations:
(1) Do not discount what you have thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You could be making a costly mistake.

(2) Work with your mate for financial independence and not against them. Be the best that you can be with that mate.

(3) Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it and discover it is not what you truly wanted.

(4) Pay attention and listen to what your spouse is saying. They are revealing information to help alleviate stress in the marriage.

(5) Establish your mutual financial goals and do not get distracted by other people’s opinion on what they think you should be doing.

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This movie has several of my favorites again Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan and Terrance Howard. It is always my goal not to spoil it for you if you have not seen the movie, so here is my brief recap.

Harper Stewart (Taye Diggs), who is a writer and The Best Man at the wedding of Lance (Morris Chestnut) and Mia (Monica Calhoun). The three of them went to college together. Lance was a football player and becomes  a pro player. Needless to say he lived up to the reputation of a football player being physically intimate with all the girls. Then he meets Mia and decides he needs to be with her. Harper tends to dissuade him saying she is a “good, Church going girl”. Eventually Lance and Mia do hook up and he plans on marrying her. The weekend prior to The Wedding, all of their old college friends get together in celebration of this upcoming union. Harper’s book comes out and they discover he has captured their lives in print but changed their names. He tries to say that it is fiction. Lance believes he is the only person Mia has ever slept with but according to Harper’s book secrets begin to come out… You will have to see the movie to get all the juicy details. It is a GREAT movie.

Money implications:

Once secrets are revealed, it can alter the course of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether they are salvageable or not depends on the people in the relationship. These young people set out to accomplish different professions and they did it. It did not change them and they were genuinely happy for each other.

The character Terrance Howard played tried several different things and was talented. The bottom line is he did not stop at one thing  – he kept on going. The bride-to-be was comfortable in who she was and so was the groom regardless of what anyone thought.

Nia Long’s character, Jordan was an independent business woman that had everything going on. Yet she was not in a relationship. Although while they were in college, something almost happened between her and Harper. She is very career focused which happens with many women. Once their career is at a certain point, then they think about dating and/or marriage.

Julian was a teacher and content doing that job, yet his girlfriend Shelby all the college friends did not like. Shelby was a woman that was into shopping and prestige. She wanted Julian to return to become a lawyer and he is not interested. She also was big on pouting if she did not get her way. You will have to watch the movie to find out what happens.

Observation:

One of the main secrets revealed almost caused this wedding not to happen after a lot of money had been spent. It does not matter if you are on the bride’s side or the groom’s side, if a wedding is called off after the money has been spent and you cannot get deposits back it can upset everyone. Granted if you found out something the night before that you just could not live with, then those expenses would not amount to what it could costs you later. Be true to yourself and decide what you need to do. Think about the big picture not just the short-term. CAUTION: Too many people rush into a wedding trying to save face. They are more concerned with what people are going to think about them instead of their true feelings about getting married and the person they are marrying. Do not get into the habit of trying to please people.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) Financial secrets can tear down trust in a relationship and marriage. Share your financial background upfront and if the fiance’ cannot handle it then you are better off.

2) Be comfortable in who you are. That means if you are comfortable being the homemaker then be the homemaker. If you are employed outside the home, then you are employed outside the home. Have the discussion about what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is according to how each of you see it -  not what your parents think. Talk about the respective roles and agree. If you choose not to talk about it, it can be costly in the long term.

3) Husbands and wives have to believe in each other and support them in their individual dreams as well.  At the end of the day, it does affect the household bottom line. Do not be so short-sighted that you think it is only about you. Once you said “I Do” it is no longer “ALL ABOUT YOU”.

Definitely one for the library:

Good. This means that you have opened up with your soon-t0-be spouse about your finances and there is some cause for concern.  Great! Why do I say that? Because you are talking about your financial background before you walk down the aisle. Can you imagine what would happen if you did not?

Imagine walking down the aisle saying I do, knowing all the while in the back of your mind you hope that he does not find out about your debt. Let me ask you, how do you plan on keeping this from him once you are married? Should you? Remember three out of four married couples argue about money. Furthermore, we have all heard that money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

The fact that you are discussing the bottom line and it is causing concern, I say ask the soon-to-be groom the same thing. What is his financial background? This way you do not feel as if you are the only one in the hot seat. Trust me right about now you feel as if you are in the hot seat and want to change the subject.

Not necessary. Your learning to discuss money issues now will serve you well throughout your marriage instead of avoiding the tough topics. Share with me, how do you plan on starting the “Money Talk” today?

Think about these statistics:
3 out of 4 married couples argue about money
Money is one of the top causes of divorce
7 out of 10 couples say that money causes stress in the relationship
Cheating with money occurs in 1 out of 3 marriages

If you are planning to walk down the aisle and have not talked about money yet – congratulations, you still have time. With money being a main component when it comes to marriage, it is time you begin talking about this very crucial subject for the life of your marriage.

As you are reading this, I bet you can list at least three or four married couples that are having difficulty because of finances. How do I know? Because one party of this marriage is talking to you about their financial difficulties instead of talking to their spouse. Hold on, it happens to many people. Why? Because money is one of those subjects that brings with it a lot of fear, disappointment, judgment per se and also anger. Those characteristics are brought on by people though. Money in itself cannot do that. How people think about money and their experiences causes these emotions which leads to reactions!

As you are preparing to get married, remember these couples and begin talking with your future spouse now about money? Trust me this is not going to all happen in one night. Money Talk in a marriage lasts a lifetime it is not a one time occurrence. So you can start slow. The idea is TO START. For those of you that are asking how do I even start, let me say you can start by saying to your future spouse I would like to share with you about financial obligations that I have and will be bringing into the marriage. This way you know what you are getting yourself into. Don’t make it all about the spouse. Take the reigns and you start by opening up about your money management behavior.

Take it from a happily married wife of 13 years, it might be difficult in the beginning, but your soon-to-be spouse will GREATLY appreciate your honesty and this will build even more trust. You didn’t try to hide it.

If you need help in learning financial skills, have I got just the course for you. The Wedding Bailout is an ecourse that will come to your email each morning and teach you how to begin the talk. It will make you think and take you to the next step without pointing the finger. For those that get this course, you will also receive – Bride’s Guide When The Sky is Knot the Limit which helps you plan your wedding. The Bride’s Guide was written by Creations of Love a romantic decorating firm.

Before you even think about silently bringing debt into marriage, love that man or woman enough to be honest with them about your financial background and choices that you have made. Start by saying these choices I made occurred long before you and I became an item, let alone our walking down the aisle. I am not saying that I did everything right but I am saying I want to be open and honest with you before we walk down the aisle so there will not be any regrets.

Sure it appears to be the “NORM” to do this. But when did that become the norm and right? See, everything that appears to be normal is not right or the best way things should be handled. Just like “Going with the Flow” just because something has always been done a certain way. Try this: Shake things up for a little bit and STEP out of the NORM.  TELL THE TRUTH – Set yourself free by opening up about your finances.

One of two things is going to happen – either the person that you love so much is going to love you enough and appreciate your sharing. Furthermore they will work through this situation with you. Or they will leave you because they could not handle it. I must ask you if they leave you was your relationship based on love?

Love is a choice and not an emotion. No, they do not have to like the fact that you made financial mistakes. They should love you enough to be understanding and admit at this time their own financial mistakes without pretending to be perfect.

 The problem: People are so used to analyzing what the response is going to be before they even share what the concern or problem is. If they analyze it and do not like what they think will be the response, they continue to remain silent and the problem gets bigger and bigger.

Shake things up today – Reveal that you have debt prior to walking down the aisle.

I wanted to address this morning the separate accounts issue because I was asked about it during both interviews last night. In a time when couples are preparing to walk down the aisle and other couples are dealing with financial challenges, I felt it was time to share it on this blog.

My position on whether a couple should have separate accounts is detailed below:

1) If you are engaged and either one of you have debt, it is my recommendation that the accounts remain separate until the debt is cleaned up. Furthermore, there are some banks that might not add a spouse to the bank account if they have debt. Keep that in mind.

2) It is acceptable to have a separate account (Do not stop reading at this point) for pampering each other and having the ability to surprise one another with the understanding that the husband and wife have access to each of these accounts and is knowledgeable of what is in the account.

3) Once the credit is cleaned up for those that have financial challenges, then absolutely a joint account is the way to go.

At the end of the day, it boils down to do you want your marriage to have financial transparency or are you going to open the door from the outset for financial infidelity. Once financial infidelity happens and it is on the table, trust is broken, arguments begin to occur and the spouse who found out about the financial infidelity will wonder what else is being kept from him or her.

I do not condone have a separate account to utilize as a “Break away fund” meaning when I have had enough, I have more than enough money saved to break away from this marriage. When you say “I Do” those vows specifically state – For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Don’t take your vows lightly.

Caution: When you lose trust, it is hard to get it back. Think long and hard what statement you are making if you want separate accounts and do not have a financial issue.

The first movie that I want to talk about is Fireproof. Understand this is my opinion as a money and marriage advocate and personal finances educator. Fireproof was a good movie overall. From the money and marriage aspect – clearly they were not on the same page regarding finances in the marriage. He had “his money” and she had “her money”. The husband had drawn those lines in the very beginning of the movie. I would’ve like them to show more detail on why he had drawn those lines. Reason: there are couples that deal with that and don’t understand because they are driven by their emotion.

When you have His Money and Her Money in a marriage, those lines are not drawn without reason. This could help couples understand each other’s motivation for some of the choices that they make.

There came a point in the movie where he did use “His Money” for a need that was important to her. Although she thought someone else did it until she did some background checking. Then she was convicted herself about her own thoughts.

Overall: It is a good movie. That was my take on the money and marriage side.

Recommendation: When you have His Money and Her Money, establish clear reasons upfront the reason it needs to be this way. Otherwise the separation of money can lead to separation in other areas of marriage and open the door for lack of trust in many areas. Know why you are choosing separate funds. All choices have consequences good, bad or indifferent. Do not make any decision lightly.