Posts Tagged ‘wife’
Finances is a loaded issue for any marriage whether you are engaged, newlywed or married for a long time. It is loaded for several reasons:
(1) We bring our own preconceived ideas into the relationship about money;
(2) We bring past experiences from other relationships into it (good, bad or indifferent)
(3) We also bring our dreams of what we would like our lives to be when it comes to money
(4) We also try to live up to what other people think we should be doing with our money in our marriages.
When you look at those and you add being married to that component – it may even seem like a “double whammy”. Each of those 4 components above applies to each person in the marriage. Therefore, because it is a loaded issue IT WILL require work and involvement on the part of both the husband and the wife.
When it comes to money and marriage, sure one person may manage the money; however it requires both people to be involved in order for their to be peace in the marriage about how money is being spent, how bills are being paid and financial plans for the future.
In your immediate surrounding between your family and friends, marriages that go the distance are those where they talk about the money. I didn’t say argue – they talk about the money, have a plan and work it together. They realize they are on the same team and not against each other.
Being the money manager such as I am, there are times when you might not tell your spouse everything that is going on with the finances. Why does this happen? Well, I can think of several reasons – you do not want to add to his stress level, you think if you told him he would go off on you (not physically but verbally), you believe you can get it handled and no one needs to be the wiser. Listen wives, for whatever reason it – do you realize you are shouldering all the burden, stress and frustration. You also could be making decisions without all of the information and your husband could be assisting you.
Has this happened to me? There were some times when I was not discussing in complete detail the money with him because I was working the plan. I told my husband give me a chance to work the plan. Now was he willing to do it? Yes, because when I have said that before it turned out to the benefit of everyone and not to anyone’s detriment. So he knows when I say I am working the plan that it will give him more freedom later to shop without scrutiny. See, in our marriage he is the shopper and not me.
Do I think we all are shoppers at some point. Yes, because I will buy up Barnes and Nobles if left to my own devices. But other than that, it is quiet when it comes to shopping from me. I digress, when a financial issue presents itself that you did not plan on and it gets bigger and bigger, who do you turn to? When I was single and this happened, I did not turn to family, friends, nor anyone in my church. What happens then Ladies is that things spiral out of control.
Once things spiral out of control, it is almost like no turning back. Before things spiral out of control today, I am here to help you. I’m the wife who has been in debt, homeless, came back from being in debt, restored and happily married to the same man that I married when I was in debt. Do you need someone to encourage you that you can get out debt, share with you how to talk to your husband about finances and establish a plan as well as much more… then become a member of MarriageMoneyMatters.com today which is for wives.
I will be working with you on reviewing credit reports, providing one-on-one financial counseling, holding you accountable to discussing money and marriage with your husbands and much more. Join today and get the answers in the privacy and comfort of your own home.
Over the last few days I have watched some news and saw this story about Steve Phillips that worked for ESPN and the young production assistant. It is pretty sad that this is becoming so common that almost every week or so, there is a story in the news regarding infidelity which can lead to job loss, divorce, not to even mention the impact on the children.
I have yet to figure out how people can be so short-sighted when it comes to choices that they make. Because of a choice he made to involve himself with this young woman, now he has lost his job, his wife has filed for divorce.. allegedly this young woman made harassing phone calls and even came to their home one time. Seems as if this all started when this young woman’s relationship ended with him.
When I saw it on the news, they were showing a clip of the movie, Fatal Attraction which they were comparing this to. That definitely came to my mind. The price of infidelity is HIGH and I don’t think most people can afford to pay it.
What are going to be the long term effects of this on his family? How can he explain this to his kids, I believe I heard there are children. It does not matter what age children are when infidelity is a part of the reason there is a separation or divorce, someone has to explain what is happening. Sure it is not the media’s or public’s business – what happens though is these people are in the media’s eye and it becomes “open season” for them and and unfortunately the lives of their families.
Couples don’t be so short-sighted that you do not think about the long-term consequences of every decision and action you take.
Very interesting this morning I came across this article discussing Research shows Career Women make Bad Wives . Of course the title caught my attention and I had to continue reading.
This article is discussing another article that was written by a Forbes Executive in 2006 that said Don’t Marry a Career Woman. His article suggested the career woman is more likely to divorce, not have children and more. Does talk about Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Oprah, Martha Stewart and more as highly successful women that are either single, divorced or childless.
I have not ever looked at that and find that to be interesting. When you have a marriage where both husband and wife are focused on their careers, children can be a part of it. A great component of marriage, career, parenting and all that it entails is balance, communication and goals. What each spouse would like for their marriage, careers and parenting dreams? I for one do not think you have to give up your career dreams in order to be a parent.
What are your thoughts about the career women and being a wife?
Since it has been a few days since I posted, I thought today I would write on wives, money and marriage not only because I am a wife, but also because money could mean different things to women. Money in marriage can also present different issues for women. For this reason I am going to share about an experience that I had early in our marriage as a wife.
I remember coming into our marriage with debt, not having a bank account and had not started working. I mean this was within the first month or two of our being married. My husband would get up and go to work, I was finishing school and then would come home in the afternoon and work on his education consulting business. I began dreaming he was in an accident and I did not have access to any money. I was not on any of his accounts. The bank he had an account at refused to put me on his account because of my own bad debt. We didn’t necessarily have a problem with that. My focus was at that time though was if anything happened to him, I was up the creek. This dream occurred over and over again for about a week to two weeks.
Probably in that second week, there was a particular day when he came home from work and I could not take it anymore. We were best friends and I knew that I could tell him what was happening and we would come up with a solution. So I shared with him, how this dream had been literally haunting me and upsetting me that if something happened to him, I’d pretty much be in the cold. Mind you it was just the two of us, no kids at this point. He said, Babe I am so sorry you have been having a dream like that. Come on let’s go open us an account right now.
So we went to the bank where his business account was and opened a joint account that I could have access to. If I needed something during the day or whatever, then I could go to the bank and get the money I needed to take care of business. Let me preface this, he knew that I was not a shopper and would not spend because I had access.
Lessons you can learn:
(1) If one of you has bad credit and no bank account, the spouse should make sure the one without finances has access to money to take care of the household or some money for them.
(2) Do not hold back your thoughts or dreams when it comes to money and marriage. That dream was upsetting me and I am sure affecting other thoughts and decisions. Once I shared it and we handled it together, I never had the dream again.
(3) Trust is crucial in marriage, especially when it comes to money. It is imperative that you know your husband or wife when it comes to money. If I had been a different person sure I could have shopped it up as soon as he gave me access to his account. However, he already knew I was not that type of woman.
Wives, I understand we have our own issues when it comes to money and marriage. What would you have done if this was you? Weigh in!
There are many married couples where one person in the marriage is taking care of the money and the other person has no knowledge of what is truly happening with the household finances. I like to say there is a group of people that are managing money in marriage as a solo effort.
Solo means one. Doing alone. The problem with the solo effort is that the person in this position can get into financial situations where decisions need to be made that affect both the husband and the wife, not just one person. Marriage is the relationship that you are in and have; money is a facet of the marriage. It is important that both husband and wife participate in the financial facet of the marriage. You cannot put all of the responsibility on one person and then disagree with the consequences of the choices they made.
This solo effort can wind up making the person dealing with money feel soooo low that they cannot make an informed and educated financial decision. Yet the other person in the marriage has no idea what is truly happening with the finances until it is almost too late. If your marriage falls into this solo effort, stop it from continuing on this dangerous path and begin talking with your spouse today.
Inclusion is better than exclusion. When spouses are excluded from certain things, it can affect the marriage on a long-term basis. Do not put your spouse in the position of not knowing. Remove the solo effort today and include them in the household finances. You will not have to bear the burden of a lack of finances, late pays on bills and more on your own.
A united effort is better and produces better results. Don’t put all of the responsibility on one spouse. It affects both of you.
Are you reading this and are a bride to be or even a groom? Do you have a financial plan before you say “I Do”? The plan cannot be don’t discuss it and it will all go away. Hmmm, I wonder how many people who thought that prior to getting married are no longer married. I bet you could find some, maybe even close friends, family members or even co-workers. They may not say anything to you beforehand, but afterwards – you will get more advice than you need.
Yes, I understand completely that it is hard to talk about money. But is it harder to lose the love of your life because of financial issues that smothered the marriage to where you could no longer talk to each other? Or is it harder to be faced with losing your home because you did not speak up and get financial guidance to stop the vicious cycle of debt you were in because of a lack of knowledge? Could you literally be one phone call or email away from an answer that could turn your life around or finances around but you will not know because you are embarrassed to share that you have made financial mistakes?
At the end of the day, you are making a choice about your finances, marriage and your future. What do you want to see happen for your money and marriage? How does it happen? I can assure you, embarrassment and not taking action only causes you to remain the way you are.
I tell you what people need to stop coming up with these insane notions when it comes to marriage. I was doing my morning research before having class with the twins and came across this article – Does Marriage Make You Poorer? If you have been reading my blog for quite a while, you already know that I am not about the nonsense that continues to be spewed out when it comes to marriage, let alone Money and Marriage.
Let’s face it, marriage does not make you poorer. Furthermore, money does not do anything by itself. How people chooes to handle or mishandle money is what makes them richer or poorer. Then how their character changes because of money or a lack of money is what causes other situations in their lives and marriages.
If a husband and wife, discuss money openly on a regular basis, with mutual financial goals in mind, then their money and marriage is what they make. People need to understand money is not the only way that they can be rich, because there are a lot of MISERABLE rich people. Richness happens when there is a family that loves each other, enjoy spending time together and living life. Sure they could have financial challenges, but they discuss them and solve them together. One does not choose to throw in the towel because it is not a perfect world when it comes to finances.
Your money in marriage is what you make it. Do not let society dictate what your money in marriage is supposed to be today. Do not surround yourself with people that are jealous of your marriage and are telling you things to bring you into their world of misery. Take a stand for your marriage today like you never have before. Begin talking and making mutual financial goals in the present. It is a new chance to make better financial decisions.
Let me say right off I know this one is going to be loaded. When the question came in to my email, I thought to myself there are other wives this is happening to or vice versa. So let’s take it one step at a time.
Obviously the wife who wrote in anonymously found out after the fact. First question, how did she find out? Did she discover that money was missing from their joint accout? Or did he say, by the way honey a couple of weeks ago I loaned this friend some money?
I guarantee you the wife that wrote that sent that question in, is more than likely mad because he did it and she did not know about, may not even like the friend the money was loaned to and probably feels she cannot trust her man with their money because he will give it away to whomever he wants without talking with her about it as if she does not have a say so.
Money is a serious subject that cannot be avoided between a husband and wife. Husband and wives do you have an understanding about loaning money to friends, relatives or colleagues? If you do not, this is something that should be discussed beforehand. It will prevent the type of email I received.
When people lose trust in relationships, it is hard to get it back. It takes a lot of work. Then the question becomes did he really loan the money or give the money. Either way it is a serious discussion that must be had in order to prevent what the couple is dealing with right now in their relationship.
This is not saying you should not loan money, but husbands and wives should know what they agree on when it comes to loaning money, to whom and agreeing even on an amount that will not affect their household finances. Be careful, because you do not want to become a personal banker at the risk of your own marriage. It’s not worth the risk.
Last time I left you with the thought of if you were depending on God or your mate when it came to finances. I also said what is causing the divorce is deeper than money. We reference money as one of the top reasons for divorce but as I said before, money in itself cannot do anything.
When couples are arguing about money, they are arguing about 1) its mishandling – overspending and impulse buying which results in not having enough to pay bills or for other necessities; 2) an individual’s value system when it comes to money. Value system meaning your beliefs about how money should be handled, who should handle the money and what takes precedence when it comes to expenditures in the household. Value system is comprised of many factors especially when it comes to money – your environment, what you saw and experienced when you were growing up regarding money, your personal handling of money good and bad. All of these factors form your value system. So when your value system is challenged you react or respond a certain way.
Value system is big – so let me put it into perspective. For example, as a person that was raised by a single parent with little to no access to money, it would be within my value system to be very cautious about money, paying bills and making sure there is some left over. So it would not “feel good” to me to buy on impulse. Now from Married Christians perspective if you know that you are to pay your bills and you spend impulsively on a want versus a need and now you cannot pay your bills – the discussion is happening in a way you might not like.
So Married Christians may be divorcing and utilizing money as the reason but it is not the reason it is their value system being challenged. They have had enough. Money issues affect more than the husband or the wife, it affects their relationship, performance at work, if they have children (them as well), household bills and more.
Before you decide to file for divorce, think things through and be honest. Think about your actions when it comes to money and marriage – 1) What role did you play in this area that you believe has failed and 2) Did you have structure when it came to finances? Begin talking it out with each other to each other about money to see what you can do to make better decisions to sustain the marriage and time invested in each other than versus throwing away this union.
CAUTION: Do not wait until you are in Divorce court to find out about each other’s financial habits.