Posts Tagged ‘wives’

postheadericon Crying in the Morning, Noon and Night because of Debt

I had to stop and write this post because it came over heavy in my spirit. Yes, I am writing this for you looking at this screen crying because finances are tearing your marriage apart and you do not know what to do. You did the best you could with what you had but it appears it was not good enough. You did not talk to your spouse about it because you did not want more stress, you were already carrying the burden.

Once things began to spiral out of control, you had no choice but to speak up and say what was happening. 

That caused stress, strife, blame and even some distance within the marriage. Is it tooo late? No, it is not to late and at this point it depends on you. Why? Because you are the one that is still managing the money that is there. The choices you are preparing to make will be crucial.

Dry your eyes and read this clearly! I know firsthand that money issues in marriage is an embarrassing and difficult situation. Furthermore it is a very private issue – I agree. Because it is private and most of us do not want anyone to know the challenges we are facing, it  leads us to fall into even more “DEBT” traps. In order to begin resolving your issues, you have to step outside of yourself and talk to someone that knows the best course of action you can take. When you have limited knowledge about finances, you continue to do what you think is best based on what you know.

Let’s be honest, you have cried in the morning when you were waking up, at noon and even as you laid your head on the pillow at night from the turmoil that was mounting inside. Today, is a new day and a new opportunity to take some action. Maybe you will continue reading this and say I cannot afford to get help. Sure you can it is a matter of choices and what do you want to see happen.

I have created for you a membership site called Marriagemoneymatters.com . Don’t let the word “membership” scare you away because it is not like you think. This site is one where no one knows you are on but you. So it is not like a forum where you can talk with others and be judged. Its affordable and will cost you less to get help then what you are paying for probably the minimum balance on one credit card.

What do you  have to lose? If you do nothing, then you continue along the path of tears morning, noon and night. If you become an Intermediate or Graduate level  member, you get access to solutions and even a one-on-one with me.  How would you like to have your own personal financial advocate that understands what you are going through and is ready to help you move from financial woes to financial health.

If you are ready to take that step today, join at www.marriagemoneymatters.com and for those that join within the next 24 hours at the Intermediate or Graduate level, I will give you 1 additional 20 minute counseling with me at no charge.

postheadericon Membership Drive for Wives Jan 4 – February 4

Help is here for Wives that are married, widowed, divorced and even those that have a faith foundation that are seeking answers, solutions when it comes to every day money and marriage questions. This site is for wives who are committed to making a difference in their Money and Marriage, not for the complainers, negative that want to complain without taking action. No room or time for that. Time for Marriages to succeed because of steps taken in regards to money.

Get recommendations and/or answers to:
We need to save, but he is spending
Verbal abuse about money is affecting the marriage
How to establish financial goals
Is Divorce the answer when financial issues exist
Unresolved financial issues leading to divorce and much, much, more

Members will have access to this site 24/7 in the comfort and privacy of their own home. No other member will know they are on. There are downloadable ebooks, interviews with other experts regarding divorce and child support and much more. Members will be invited to a live chat that will take place the second Thursday of every month but is not mandatory.

Membership drive begins today from January 4 through February 4, 2010. For every member that joins, they will be placed into a drawing for:

Week 1 – Audio Teaching “The Debt Stops Here” – 4 cd set
Week 2 – A 30 minute session with Dr. Taffy regarding your personal finances
Week 3 – Book – So He Cheated, Now What by Nicole Cleveland
Week 4 – Gift Card (total surprise)

Winners will be notified and prizes sent at the beginning of February. Must be a member in good standing at the time of prize sent.

Go to www.marriagemoneymatters.com and click on Member Benefits to become a member today. Answers are waiting for you. Where else could you pay $19.95 per month and get access to financial guidance at home, ability to write a personal finances expert and wife that will give you answers without your being embarrassed!

Join Today! It’s time for a NEW BEGINNING that could change your money and marriage even now.

postheadericon Research regarding Career Women making Bad Wives

Very interesting this morning I came across this article discussing Research shows Career Women make Bad Wives . Of course the title caught my attention and I had to continue reading.

This article is discussing another article that was written by a Forbes Executive in 2006 that said Don’t Marry a Career Woman. His article suggested the career woman is more likely to divorce, not have children and more. Does talk about Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Oprah, Martha Stewart and more as highly successful women that are either single, divorced or childless.

I have not ever looked at that and find that to be interesting. When you have a marriage where both husband and wife are focused on their careers, children can be a part of it. A great component of marriage, career, parenting and all that it entails is balance, communication and goals. What each spouse would like for their marriage, careers and parenting dreams? I for one do not think you have to give up your career dreams in order to be a parent.

What are your thoughts about the career women and being a wife?

postheadericon Savers and Spenders Marry all the Time

The topic of savers and spenders marrying continue to be a hot topic. I know firsthand that this is true even of my own marriage. I read an article a couple of days ago that was titled Why Savers and Spenders Marry . The author shares how her husband started a new job teaching in the fall and suggested he might need some new work clothes. She braced herself for a fight. To her surprise – she calls him Mr. Frugal, he agreed with her.

I know when I met my husband, he was a shopper to his heart. Believe me when I say shopper, I mean it seriously. One of the first things he asked me was to write down all of my sizes – clothes, shoes and jewelry. I must say this floored me because that had not ever happened. Mind you I did what he asked. Once we got married, he would shop for me. This was great because I HATE shopping. I love to shop for books (I am an avid reader) but not clothes. I don’t do Christmas shopping like most. I have to make my list of what I want, where it is at. Go in, purchase it and come out.

Okay, back to the post – so when we got married we agreed on a plan to clean up our debt. Within our plan we also decided to balance his spending and he agreed. So we established healthy boundaries in money management. So the shopper became conservative and saving.  I believe that in every saver and spender their is a part of the other perspective in each. It just depends on what you would purchase. Because I turn into a shopper when it comes to books, however, for anything else I am a saver.

Husbands and wives, brides and grooms  – open communciation and being honest about who you are is essential. If you are a shopper, you are a shopper. If you are a saver, you are a saver. Do not let that role cause you to live an unhappy marriage and life. Work together for common goals in the financial aspect of your marriage.

postheadericon Wives, Money and Marriage

Since it has been a few days since I posted, I thought today I would write on wives, money and marriage not only because I am a wife, but also because money could mean different things to women. Money in marriage can also present different issues for women. For this reason I am going to share about an experience that I had early in our marriage as a wife.

I remember coming into our marriage with debt, not having a bank account and had not started working. I mean this was within the first month or two of our being married. My husband would get up and go to work, I was finishing school and then would come home in the afternoon and work on his education consulting business.  I began dreaming he was in an accident and I did not have access to any money. I was not on any of his accounts. The bank he had an account at refused to put me on his account because of my own bad debt. We didn’t necessarily have a problem with that. My focus was at that time though was if anything happened to him, I was up the creek. This dream occurred over and over again for about a week to two weeks.

Probably in that second week, there was a particular day when he came home from work and I could not take it anymore. We were best friends and I knew that I could tell him what was happening and we would come up with a solution. So I shared with him, how this dream had been literally haunting me and upsetting me that if something happened to him, I’d pretty much be in the cold. Mind you it was just the two of us, no kids at this point. He said, Babe I am so sorry you have been having a dream like that. Come on let’s go open us an account right now.

So we went to the bank where his business account was and opened a joint account that I could have access to. If I needed something during the day or whatever, then I could go to the bank and get the money I needed to take care of business. Let me preface this, he knew that I was not a shopper and would not spend because I had access.

Lessons you can learn: 

(1) If one of you has bad credit and no bank account, the spouse should make sure the one without finances has access to money to take care of the household or some money for them.

(2) Do not hold back your thoughts or dreams when it comes to money and marriage. That dream was upsetting me and I am sure affecting other thoughts and decisions. Once I shared it and we handled it together, I never had the dream again.

(3) Trust is crucial in marriage, especially when it comes to money. It is imperative that you know your husband or wife when it comes to money. If I had been a different person sure I could have shopped it up as soon as he gave me access to his account. However, he already knew I was not that type of woman.

Wives, I understand we have our own issues when it comes to money and marriage. What would you have done if this was you? Weigh in!

postheadericon Money and Marriage as a Solo Effort

There are many married couples where one person in the marriage is taking care of the money and the other person has no knowledge of what is truly happening with the household finances. I like to say there is a group of people that are managing money in marriage as a solo effort.

Solo means one. Doing alone. The problem with the solo effort is that the person in this position can get into financial situations where decisions need to be made that affect both the husband and the wife, not just one person. Marriage is the relationship that you are in and have; money is a facet of the marriage. It is important that both husband and wife participate in the financial facet of the marriage. You cannot put all of the responsibility on one person and then disagree with the consequences of the choices they made.

This solo effort can wind up making the person dealing with money feel soooo low that they cannot make an informed and educated financial decision. Yet the other person in the marriage has no idea what is truly happening with the finances until it is almost too late. If your marriage falls into this solo effort, stop it from continuing on this dangerous path and begin talking with your spouse today.

Inclusion is better than exclusion. When spouses are excluded from certain things, it can affect the marriage on a long-term basis. Do not put your spouse in the position of not knowing. Remove the solo effort today and include them in the household finances. You will not have to bear the burden of a lack of finances, late pays on bills and more on your own.

A united effort is better and produces better results. Don’t put all of the responsibility on one spouse. It affects both of you.

postheadericon What Grade is your Money and Marriage?

Iknow reading that title many of you are already thinking of what grade you are. I want you to read this post and be honest with yourself. Only you know what your money and marriage is about. Take the time to read through and be determined this day to make a change.

Grade  A -  You and your spouse openly and honestly communicate about money in marriage weekly if not several times a week. You have mutual financial goals set and are accomplishing those goals. No one person is bearing the financial burden. You and your spouse have dealt with financial challenges and survived them together without letting the stress of the financial challenges change who you are. You have learned that your love can conquer all and you work together as a team not as opponents. There is no pointing the finger in this grade, each accepts responsibility for financial mistakes and move on to solutions. Husbands and wives in this category have discovered what works best for them joint account or separate account or a combination of both. Have taken financial classes and also helped other couples.

Grade B – You and your spouse communicate about money about twice a month. One person is managing the money and makes sure the other one is knowledgeable about the finances. The person managing the money is bearing the burden of knowing immediately about the finances and tends to stress about it before talking with the other. There have been times when the money manager has been overwhelmed with the financial challenges and managed to get it resolved without including the spouse. When the money manager is overwhelmed it is evident that the personality changes which adds more stress to the marriage. Once it is resolved, returned to natural self. Will get financial help if they feel it is necessary.

Grade C -  You and your spouse are not communicating about money until an unexpected emergency happens. Then you go into panic mode and operate out of desperation. Once the emergency is solved, you return to the same behavior of not talking about money. The person that is managing the money, pays some bills and not others hoping that the spouse does not find out. There are no mutual financial goals. One person begins to feel as if there needs are not being met due to a lack of finances. Want to get help but think you cannot afford it and that leads to more financial mistakes.

Grade D -   You and your spouse found out that one of you came into the marriage with existing debt and doesn’t like it one bit. Furthermore, that person is a shopper. The silent treatment has set in because emotions have taken over because they had a different expectation for their marriage relationship than what is actually happening. The spouse without debt is not even sure if they are going to stay. Every day they think about it while at work and dread coming home because it makes them mad. This spouse without the debt is being driven by emotions and does not even want to look at what could be a solution. This makes the marriage very stressful and could also lead to health problems.  There are thoughts of getting out of debt but embarrassment stops you.

Grade F – There is no communication on any level about money. There is no joint account  – everything is separate. Both parties place the blame on each other which leads to no resolution. They keep ending up in the vicious cycle of debt. All they see is continuous debt and say to themselves why bother, not sure if this marriage is going to last anyway. Husband and wife came to the marriage with financial baggage and things are unraveling in a fast past. While the money issues are unraveling, the husband and wife are growing father and father apart. This couple is not thinking about money and marriage issues in any way, shape or form.

This post was designed to make you evaluate your money and marriage relationship. Are you talking enough? If you would like counseling or want the financial education program I created, send me an email via drtaffy@moneytalkmatters.com .

Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.

postheadericon Throwing in the Towel because of Money Issues in Marriage!

Hmmm. This title came to me while I was writing a different post. Yes, this means it is for someone out there. There are many husbands and wives that throw in the marriage towel because of money challenges that present in marriage. Let me ask you a few questions:

1) Are you throwing in the towel because you are no longer willing to fight for your marriage? Marriage with two committed people does take work and it does not have to be hard like everyone says it is. People’s perception of marriage has gotten distorted based on what friends have experienced in marriage, family members in marriage, as well as co-workers. Recommendation: When it comes to your marriage, be honest with yourself – search deep down and ask yourself have you given it your best shot.

2) Can the financial issues not be repaired? Are there so many financial issues that you feel you have not options? If you feel that you have no options, did you take steps to consult with a financial counselor or advisor to get counseling on your specific situation. Or are you continuing to utilize your credit card and incur more debt thereby making the financial issues worse? Recommendation: Before you throw in the towel because you feel the financial issues cannot be repaired, be honest with yourself. What part of the financial issues that exist did you cause? They were not caused by one party – both of you are in this together. Second if the financial challenges got to be sooo difficult and you chose to move out (I didn’t say divorce) and get a place of your own, now you are incurring more bills. That did not solve the problem. As a matter of fact,  that creates a bigger financial problem for the marriage. Why? Because now you have chosen to live a separate life and incur additional debt. Question: Is that what your goal was when you decided to leave? Next question: What happens if you decide to work it out within your marriage and now you return with a new stack of bills?

  3) I cannot help but wonder, how many people entered into marriage without talking about finances. Then once they found out there was existing debt on a husband or wife’s part that was brought into the marriage, they are ready to throw in the towel. Recommendation:  Not meaning to sound harsh – this is how I see it. You have to a legal age to get married, which means you are an adult. I am sure a lot of couples had discussions prior to getting married that invooved money, yet they creatively skirted around the deeper issues that involved money that could have raised a red flag. Be honest with yourself, if you did not discuss money before and are starting to find out some not so pretty financial habits – take the time now to talk before you make any hasty, life long decisions.

Before you throw in the towel because of the pressure and stress, be honest with yourself about your role in your money and marriage.

postheadericon Husband Loans Money to Friends without Telling Wife

Let me say right off I know this one is going to be loaded. When the question came in to my email, I thought to myself there are other wives this is happening to or vice versa. So let’s take it one step at a time.

Obviously the wife who wrote in anonymously found out after the fact. First question, how did she find out? Did she discover that money was missing from their joint accout? Or did he say, by the way honey a couple of weeks ago I loaned this friend some money?

I guarantee you the wife that wrote that sent that question in, is more than likely mad because he did it and she did not know about, may not even like the friend the money was loaned to and probably feels she cannot trust her man with their money because he will give it away to whomever he wants without talking with her about it as if she does not have a say so.

Money is a serious subject that cannot be avoided between a husband and wife. Husband and wives do you have an understanding about loaning money to friends, relatives or colleagues? If you do not, this is something that should be discussed beforehand. It will prevent the type of email I received.

When people lose trust in relationships, it is hard to get it back. It takes a lot of work. Then the question becomes did he really loan the money or give the money. Either way it is a serious discussion that must be had in order to prevent what the couple is dealing with right now in their relationship.

This is not saying you should not loan money, but husbands and wives should know what they agree on when it comes to loaning money, to whom and agreeing even on an amount that will not affect their household finances. Be careful, because you do not want to become a personal banker at the risk of your own marriage. It’s not worth the risk.

postheadericon Husband will not share money with Wife

This is a topic that I felt was worth writing about because it happens and it can be one reason that couples end up in divorce. When a husband will not share the money with his wife there is a reason behind it. Could even be more than one reason. Let me be clear, I am not saying this is right by any means what I want you to understand is the following: husbands and wives do not just keep money from each other for no reason.

In order to get to the root of the reason, consider these questions:

1) How long have you been married and has this been the practice the entire marriage?

2) If this was not the typical for the marriage, what took place in order for this to start happening?

3) If the husband is not sharing the money with the wife, does the wife have any means of income?

4) Are wives talking with husbands about the household finances? You could be discussing the finances without having access. Sure that could be cruel – begin talking.

5) This could stem from a previous relationship even though you are not that person. Therefore, if that is the case then sit down and talk with your husband about the household finances and establish mutual financial goals for the home. Furthermore, the message should be conveyed that you are partners and not enemies. You are on the same team. You will have to prove this to him which will come in the form of your managing the money appropriately.

Consider those to start with and begin talking with your spouse. Find out his reason for taking that stand and then forgive him. But you must know what the reason is first.

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