Posts Tagged ‘words’
Last night I received this question from a colleague via my facebook page. Yes, I am on facebook as well. This is the exact wording – I still find so many do not discuss money before they get married. Why is that? What are your thoughts? It is such a vital topic that people seem to avoid for one reason or another.
I kept thinking about it last night and decided to write on it today. Money has been labeled that “taboo” topic. However, people are beginning to talk about it because of what has happened with the economy. Most of the ones that are discussing it though are already married. The effect of the economy when it comes to brides and grooms are discussing how to have their dream wedding for less. There are couples that are even going so far as to ask their guests to pay for their wedding. Mind you, some of those couples are getting married for the second time and I have clear views on that, but I digress.
Below are some of the reasons I know people are not talking about money before marriage:
1) Fear – Afraid if they tell their soon to be spouse about their financial mistakes, they will break off the engagement or wedding. Result: Other financial mistakes occur while you are not sharing about the initial ones.
2) Secret – Believe if they can just get beyond the wedding day, then they will be the ones to manage the money and their spouse will not find out. Result: it does eventually come out and can lead to arguments and trust being removed.
3) Caught UP in the Wedding Day – Both the bride and groom are so “caught up” in the wedding day, they do not even think to talk about money. Result: as soon as the honeymoon is over and the other one finds out about their debt, the arguments begin, distrust occurs and much more.
4) Denial - Don’t discuss money because they think they have a handle on everything. Result: As soon as that unexpected financial expense happens, they don’t know what to do. Usually turn to mom and dad instead of each other.
5) Want to be a statistic – By not discussing money before marriage, couples are choosing to go down the path of potentially becoming a divorce statistic. Getting divorced because of money.
6) Don’t soon to be spouse to they are a shopper. This way they can walk down the aisle and then attempt to curb it initially and then revert back to their trueself.
7) Lack of trust. They do not trust the person when it comes to money based on past baggage with someone else, so they are not even willing to open that door.
Those are some of the reasons people would not discuss money before marriage. I don’t agree with them because at the end of the day, all of them could lead to divorce court.
What do you think?
As I was outside with our twins today, my mind was literally racing thinking about money in marriage. Remember the average human has 55,000 thoughts per day which means 2,292 thoughts per hour and 38 thoughts every minute. So I was burning up those 38 thoughts in the few minutes I was out there.
What was coming to me was husbands and wives often need financial help but think it is going to cost them more money then they have. Therefore, they choose not to get the help and their marital finances get worse. Costly choice. I remember making choices like that. I don’t know if you have heard the saying, “You don’t know until you know.” So if you are a husband or wife that needs financial guidance, what can you do? I want to propose several solutions to you.
1) If you do not know exactly what your financial situation is, take a deep breath and order your credit report from one of the credit bureaus.
2) Write down what you do know such as what are open outstanding late bills while waiting for that credit report to arrive.
3) Write down also what you know is the amount of income being received for the household and what are your expenses that must be met each month.
4) After doing those things, take a sheet of paper and write down what the questions are that you have and need answers to.
5) Next, get on the internet and begin doing your research. Listen, cleaning up finances takes diligence and dedication and does not have to involve a lot of money. For example, you can come to this site http://www.moneytalkmatters.com and put in search words, there is also a page of calculators. You can also go to http://thewandwgroup.com for information on estate planning, personal finances and retirement and if you are searching for a way to manage your finances online you can go to http://www.moneystrands.com or even http://www.mint.com .
6) If you are seeking to speak with a counselor, then you can also contact me via my website and know that I don’t believe in people going into debt to learn how to manage their money, nor get out of debt.
When getting financial help you have to understand, you are not investing in that person that is teaching you money management you are investing in yourself, your marriage and your family for a lifetime. Do what is best for you without breaking the bank and recognizing that you cannot continue in the same fashion that you have been. If you want a different result, you have to take a different action.
We have all heard that said in vows during many weddings that we have attended and some of you may have even said yourself. Bride takes the groom “For better of for worse, for richer or for poorer”. Those words are often said without any thought of that become the life of Mr. and Mrs. Wed.
Then when times get tough due to financial choices made, one party of the marriage wants to divorce because of finances. Listen, we have all heard the statistics that money is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I ask you, what happened to For Richer or For Poorer and For Better or For Worse? Did they not mean or did not give any thought to life happens? Sure, Life happens and situations happen but you are the one in control. It does not necessarily matter what the situation is but HOW YOU HANDLE the situation and come THROUGH it.
Let’s say for example a spouse loses a job and now the budget gets a little tighter, well that is okay. Couples must learn to work together and not treat each other as enemies. That husband or wife did not get up this morning and say I am going to go to work and do everything I can to lose my job. There are times it is not even their fault. Jobs have been cut due to the economy and for some companies hours have been reduced in order to sustain some companies. Either way, it was not your husband or wife’s choice that this happen at their place of employment.
A situation has presented regarding employment and what are the options you have in order to keep your household functioning accordingly? Get creative – be an optimist and not a complainer about your situation. Complaining has never solved anything and there have been times when complaining makes the situation worse. If your goal is to make the situation worse, then go ahead and complain. If your goal is to make it better, then start by changing the words that are coming out of your mouth. Become solution oriented and not a victim of what happened.
I would imagine even with financial challenges, deep down you still love the person. So financial challenges does not change that. Do not make decisions based on emotions. When you said your vows – you chose to say ” I Do” because you love the person. Love is a choice and not an emotion. Begin taking your vows seriously and talk with your spouse today.
Being the researcher that I am, I was reviewing different press releases tonight to keep up on things happening in the marriage movement and I found a release titled Almost 2 million Brits Admit to hiding extravagant purchases from their spouse. WHOAAAA.
It says “The Bank’s research found that almost one in five (18.5%) people in debt and in a relationship claim to be hiding the true extent of their debt from their partner or spouse.” This is an international problem – talking about money apparently is not on the top of couples list.
It is time to change that because that is unbelievable. This goes to show that people are not comfortable even in marriage opening up and disclosing their financial challenges. Yet, when most people get married within their vows are included the words For Better or For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer. What does anyone have to gain from all this secrecy? I say nothing. However, you have a lot to LOSE by hiding these truths.
The way I see it, these financial challenges are temporary and once a husband or wife takes control of their finances it can all change. But if they choose to continue the secrets and managing money improperly, more than likely the door will be open for additional financial challenges. I will let you in on a secret – until you begin correcting and talking about the financial mistakes, you are in a vicious cycle of making more mistakes and incurring more financial stress in your life.
Take control of your finances today and do not be controlled by your finances. There is a big difference.
I must admit when this movie came out, I must have missed it in the theaters. Yet, about four months ago when I was watching TV, the title made me stop and watch. Love and Other Four Letter Words – let me be honest I know some four letter words that people dislike, so I thought to myself go ahead and watch it. Below is my brief summary.
TV Personality, Stormie wants to grant her dying grandmother’s wish that she be married. So she in turn talks with her assistant and they pay this gentleman to pretend that he is going to marry her. Stormie goes along with it as long as she can and she even talks with her childhood pal who is a minister. Stormie’s Nana calls and says she is coming out there. You must watch this movie to find out what happens in the end.
Money Implications:Being a strong, independent successful woman does not mean that you cannot enjoy life as well. The character Stormie in this movie was willing to pay someone and pretend to make someone else happy in her family but not be true to herself. Marriage is a serious commitment and should not be taken lightly.
Money Tip #1: Do not plot with friends in order to marry someone because of their money. Be true to yourself and who you love.
Money Tip #2: Being independent, career oriented does not mean that you cannot have a relationship if that is what you desire. As a matter of fact, kudos to you for knowing who you are and bringing assets to the marriage table.
This person was all about pleasing her dying “Nana” no doubt, someone she would do anything for. Parents nor relatives wishes for us cannot dictate how we live. Sometimes parents are attempting to live through their young children (adults) and it causes more problems.
(1) Being an independent person has given you the opportunity learn how to manage money on your own. Take those lessons into your marriage and establish mutual financial goals.
(2) Once you are married, learn how to relax somewhat and know that you do not have to carry the load all by ourself. You know have a spouse that you can depend on.
(3) Love can lasts for a lifetime. Make decisions based on facts not emotions.
We have all heard the saying, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” I am going to address that from the aspect of money and marriage. I decided to do some research because about two years ago, I offered a teaching on the Mindset and even to this day, I continue to get more and more revelation into how the mind truly works because, I am sooo intrigued by the mind.
From my research, the average human has 55,000 thoughts per day which means 2,292 thoughts per hour and 38 thoughts every minute. WOW! That is a lot and now, it is clear to me why there are times when my mind is racing. That comes from excitement or even specific things becoming clearer in my mind.
We hold in our minds thoughts of the past, our childhood, things we did as young adults, the present and thoughts about our future. Think about it, someone could have called you on the phone and said “remember when….. ” and you would say yes and there your mind goes taking you down memory lane.
Now that you have gotten a brief glimpse into the mind, I want to turn your attention to YOUR MOUTH. Let’s get down to the specifics – one study shows that men speak an average of 15,669 words per day and women speak 16,215 words per day. Those numbers are not significantly different.
What do we speak? Words, observations, past failures that are in our MINDS. Granted we do have accomplishments and achievements and it seems it takes a lot to naturally speak up about our accomplishments. As a whole the world seems to focus on the negative sooo much instead of the positive.
When it comes to money and marriage, I have to say this – if you are not careful about what THOUGHTS you have towards money and marriage, your MIND will deceive you. How you ask? Many couples are not discussing money and marriage – they have become mind readers as to why their spouse took this course of action when it pertains to finances instead of asking. Once you become a mind reader, you make a lot of assumptions which are usually unfounded. This leads to other problems in the marriage.
Once the mind has deceived you, those thoughts that you are thinking over and over – then you begin to SPEAK with your mouth negativity, speaking out of emotions as well as past failures and experiences. Negativity, emotions, past failures and experiences can put you on a course leading your marriage straight to divorce.
Let’s take it that we do have 2,292 thoughts per hour and an unexpected financial situation presents in your marriage and you are speaking 16,215 words per day. Whether you are reacting to this situation or responding, what are you likely to utilize your mouth to speak? Optimism or will you choose to complain and argue about money issues that persist in your marriage?
Your mind (thoughts) and mouth (what you speak) are very crucial to your every day life. are very crucial to your every day life – your relationships, how you raise your children, your job, your business – everything.
One of my favorite scriptures is:
Proverbs 23:7 – So as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
What are you thinking about your money in marriage now? What do you think about your spouse? What do you think about yourself? Be careful before you speak either negativity or defeat into your life.
I encourage you to line up your mind (thoughts) and your mouth (speech) for health, happiness, marital peace, financial independence and more.
Copyright ©2009 – Dr. Taffy Wagner – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation.
Did you bring financial baggage from your past into the relationship? There are times when people have financial baggage and bring it into a marriage. The difference between money and marriage without frustration and money and marriage that has stress and is on the verge of someone walking out is ALL ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLE IT.
Yes, you cannot ignore financial mistakes because they need to be cleaned up. Ignored financial mistakes only cause more problems they do not go away by themselves. Take each mistake one at a time and set a goal to get it paid off or whatever it is that you need to do.
Sometimes what happens though is a husband or wife lets the financial baggage from their past move in on the present and limit their choices based on THE PAST. They are making decisions based on that bad experience. I have a word for you today, You do not have to unpack!
People are unpacking that baggage and glorifying it. You may ask how are they glorifying it? Look at how – by continuously talking about it to everyone that will listen, making your decisions based on what happened back then even though now you are with someone different and not giving yourself a chance at a new result. So by doing so you are saying that you want more of that to happen. If you do not want the same results that you got in the past, then begin speaking a different result, take control of your finances and EXPECT it without a doubt.
If you keep looking back you will miss out on opportunities that could get money to you. Do not become stuck on what happened in the past. Take charge and make better decisions today. It is for the benefit of you as an individual and if you are married, the family.
Money has many roles in our lives. Yet at the same time being something that most everyone wants, it is also one thing that many have limited knowledge in how to manage. With limited knowledge people manage money by trial and error thereby causing other mistakes. Look at these statistics for example:
1 in 3 marriages deal with financial infidelity
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce
The average college students has over $20,000 in debt when they graduate.
From a survey of married couples, only 14% said that income, debts and assets should be disclosed before marriage.
These are only the beginning of statistics that are out there. Money is a tough subject that changes lives good or bad. A lot of people remain in financial stress and unhappiness because of these three words that are the toughest to say…… I NEED HELP
If you cannot say these words, you stay in financial stress and difficulty. Once you step out and say these words your life can change. I remember when I said those words – it was very hard and even made me cry but once I did it, things began to change.
Caution: Do not let pride keep you in the vicious cycle of debt.
He spends, she saves or is it she saves and he spends? Regardless of which way, it is the shopper and saver roles in marriage can and have caused conflict. Conflict because when the husband and wife should be saving, the other person is spending. This sends the wrong message and causes conflict. The saver is hurt because they feel as if the spender is disregarding the overall household finances and doing what they want to do without focusing on the short and long-term consequences.
The spender knows they want it now and that is all that matters. Question: Did the saver include the spender when establishing the household financial budget and how the bills are to be paid? Does the saver (could also be the money manager) explain how the overall finances work? Do not misunderstand I am not saying it is the saver’s fault. I am saying instead of having the saver and spender financial tug of war, sit down and start talking about money for the benefit of the marriage.
There are savers that are being hurt because they feel they are not being listened to when it comes to paying the bills. They see money continuously being spent when it should be saved or used for bills. Then they come up short for bills. Emotions began to come in and words are said that can hurt, emotional spending can occur and create more bills.
If you are the spender, before you purchase that next item that you HAVE to have (sounds like a want) ask yourself, is it worth it? If you waited until next week, would you still have to HAVE it or would you have moved on to something else? Take 24 to 48 hours to think about it.
No longer be in a tug of war but rather on the same side.
Tip: The saver does also need to relax sometimes and splurge within bounds. Meaning where it will not affect the overall household finances.
As I was reading through an article this morning on CNN about 9 ways to Keep Your Marriage Healthy, it shared how 40% of couples admitted to lying to their spouse about a purchase according to a 2004 poll. My first thought is your spouse should be your best friend that you can talk to about anything including finances.
What is the purpose of lying about spending? If you spent the money, then you spent the money. Own up to it you are an adult. Deal with the consequences. You made the purchase and accept the consequences.
A word of caution, if you find it necessary to lie and have financial secrets you are the one that is leading your marriage to go south. Is it worth it.
Read the article in detail here: 9 ways to keep your marriage healthy